beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she
thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very,
very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful
because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds
before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a
diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in
her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always
look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it
cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.
So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed
to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he
said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very
wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one
another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he
would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I
could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being
hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked
quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another
engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very
unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him”
because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the
statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I
mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts
about everything.
So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite
worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party
last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be
snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is
going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of
traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really
is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I
cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how
know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really
would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to
borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might
be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night
because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy
the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an
English lady.
So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take
Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think
if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite
a failure.
April 18th:
Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take
Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be
delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up
Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me
he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars
which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.
So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and
teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.
So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat
with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call
him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie.
In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean
London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss
over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in
Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our
towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and
look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her
head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to
get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that
Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.
So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious
champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe
de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money
and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take
advantadges of what you can not do at home.
So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in
the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in
the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about
London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom
of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really
seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call
a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and
does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give
to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were
like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything
out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over
London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So
then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy
said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go
back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that
the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a
price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told
Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I
think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an
English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.
So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that
Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk
quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was
quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he
would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he
would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all
sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what
you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed
very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told
Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can
always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.
So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me
buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house
to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the
lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom
dancer in a cafe when he has a job.
So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she
has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in
oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was
a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have
a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked
him to go to the photographers but he did not go.
So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her
house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy
anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she
wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad
that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would
ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and
dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.
So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called
Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do
because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel
because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going
with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to
really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I
always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a
gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can
come of it.
Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going
to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the
Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and
I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent
me any flowers yet.
April 19th:
Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon
called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where
the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I
mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if
he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the
ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me
and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave
us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he
asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he
said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and
over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him
if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after
our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will
never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her
fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English
histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very
worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she
talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the
Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on
his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some
other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame
me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came
back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I
met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. But really, I mean
to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say
that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so
really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come
out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent
I really think it is quite jolly.
April 20th:
Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie
how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I
asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel
because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my
pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is
quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So
I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the
most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for
10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past
five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came
to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a
word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I
opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful
orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I
grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug
because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said
it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in
London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send
a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But
I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London
so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to
send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to
apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full
of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids
every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!
So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a
wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a
gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me
of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very
pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I
started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look
out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses
that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie
really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he
could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all
the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then
he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I
had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me
which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I
was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who
was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald
was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I
told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed.
So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop,
waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids
from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the
diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always
think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a
gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets
very good habits.
April 21st:
Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called
Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had
to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him
to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a
good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him
on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became
quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But
then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was
good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold
picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold
picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his
unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I
really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but
they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best
one we could.
So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I
would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs.
Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot
and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would
really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his
georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a
lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their
country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became
quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been
for years and years, so we had to go out.
This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after
tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to
people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the
ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.
So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis
Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I
really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind
a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a
gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same
storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational
that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even
want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with
London.
April 22nd:
Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset
because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because
she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over
as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay
with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves
money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told
him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she
really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I
did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris
soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a
girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his
unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond
tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we
could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if
his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like
that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at
Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the
diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret
because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara
and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But
I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would
always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one
who admires him for what he really is.
April 25th:
Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my
diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship
to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because
it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to
London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to
come to London and only one day to come to Paris.
So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is
madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to
leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here.
But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London
seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean
we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station
with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a
person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her
expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.
So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of
red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch
gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said
I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I
could do that, I could walk across the channel.
So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and
told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really
glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really
make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him
we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we
went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to
it.
So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris
and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can
hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.
CHAPTER FOUR
PARIS IS DEVINE
April 27th:
Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it
really is devine. Because the French are devine. Because when we were
coming off the boat, and we were coming through the customs, it was
quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and all the French
gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked
around and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very
gorgeous uniform and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman
and I gave him twenty francs worth of French money and he was very very
gallant and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right
through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs is quite
cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid
on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.
I mean the French gentlemen always seem to be squealing quite a lot,
especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime
called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French
gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal,
you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean
it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking,
that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.
So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when
a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne
cocktails and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think
it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly
sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and Mrs. Nash, it is
beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what
Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her
breath.
And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the
famous historical names it really makes you hold your breath. Because
when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks but in
only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty
and Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and
our whole trip was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy
get educated and have reverance. So when we stood at the corner of a
place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your back on a monument
they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s
sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to
realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the
perfume? So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris
and he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So
Dorothy will really never have any reverance.
So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window
and it really seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price
marks all had francs on them and Dorothy and I do not seem to be
mathematical enough to tell how much francs is in money. So we went in
and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems it is not
diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word
which means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word
a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I would
really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand
Dorothy’s english.
So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell
that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve
a girl because he could give her a present and it would only be worth
20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to
make me a present I will make him take me along with him because he is
really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at
the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had
imitations of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe
and they really wore the imitations, so they could wear it and have a
good time. But I told him I thought that any girl who was a lady would
not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to
hang on to her jewelry.