“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”
The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady
By
Anita Loos
Intimately Illustrated by
RALPH BARTON
NEW YORK
BONI & LIVERIGHT
1925
To
JOHN EMERSON
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes 11
II. Fate Keeps on Happening 39
III. London Is Really Nothing 63
IV. Paris Is Devine 93
V. The Central of Europe 131
VI. Brains Are Really Everything 175
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
CHAPTER ONE
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
March 16th:
A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he
said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my
thoughts it would make a book. This almost made me smile as what it
would really make would be a whole row of encyclopediacs. I mean I seem
to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite
recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything
else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do
something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know
brains when he sees them, because he is in the senate and he spends
quite a great deal of time in Washington, d. c., and when he comes into
contract with brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown
over but this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it
to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not
read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that
it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,
and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book
instead of reading one.
But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is to late to begin
with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr.
Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when
he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day.
I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and
he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus
Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in
educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see
how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is
in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down one
day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks
for all other days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony
and see a show and go to the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to
my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating
a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until
quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get
up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.
It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home
near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something
about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they
all kept after me and kept after me about practising. But some way I
never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could
not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a
career. So one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin
clear across the room and I have really never touched it since. But
writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise and
it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the
temperment out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I
have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March
18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how
tempermental I am when I get started.
March 19th:
Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a
gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the
Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they
went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his
name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So
Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight
and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a
little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions the subject of
Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not
seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr.
Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does
not show reverance to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean I
never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want
to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call
him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr.
Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy
and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies.
So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the
Ritz. I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because
Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on
him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about
some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after talking
for hours I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I
will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he always
has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last
time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald
bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful
surprise on holidays.
I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course
Coocoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with
him today, because my brother was in town on business and had the
mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. Because of course if I
went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes almost
have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got
any brother and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean
it is no wonder that I can write.
So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because
Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old
acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working
on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me.
Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I
would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing
quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up.
Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in
educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you
appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his
mother is authrodox.
March 20th:
Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I
thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time
before Mr. Eisman got in, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen
in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have
literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious
for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is
because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any
time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call a
“salo” which means that people all get together in the evening and
improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could
think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of
the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous
editor of the New York Transcript and another gentleman who is a famous
playright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I
mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems to slip my
memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam
asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so
I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I
called up Gloria and Dorothy and the gentleman brought their own
liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I
worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how
long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.
March 22nd:
Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing.
I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in
educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest
square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite
disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you
could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had
quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I
told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu
thought it was quite small and she said, if she was I, she really would
do something definite and she said she always believed in the old
addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at
dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut
diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony
and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he
is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it
was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button
profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble.
Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the
bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do
get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is
Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was
directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr.
Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls
that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the
tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in
Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really think
that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all
ready if the bolshevicks start to do it.
Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels
seems to have taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out
that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to
tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for
my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about
ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through
them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed
for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by
McGrath because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as
she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.
So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have
read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels
and they all seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in
the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite
different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how
I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to
me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted
I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman
about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is
quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going
to and fro on the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet
famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night.
But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite
a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr.
Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.
March 30th:
At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am
quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not
mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really
not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some
champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with
anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as
Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had
several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of
town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry
said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul.
So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen were like he
seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would
have to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be
nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s
slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through.
But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to
Paris this summer on professional business and I think he intends to
present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so
educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good to Dorothy when
she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her
telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses.
But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not because, of
course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and
I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another from now
on.
March 31st:
Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had
roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food
which is what he calls “nourishing” which most gentlemen never seem to
think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove for hours around
the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really
very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen
hardly ever seem to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean
Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really
would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he
became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he
said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come
out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that
most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.
So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he
can not even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never
been in love with each other but she was a suffragette and asked him to
marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until
quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I finally told
him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of
civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would
not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas
for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my
personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up
looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other and I
told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the
result of fate.
So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was
of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by
the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what
Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at
any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite delighted,
which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how
much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as
I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but
Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few
gentlemen seem to be able to do.
April 1st:
I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really
writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together
some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening
for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but
he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all
of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are
both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a
very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini
and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine
book and not dull while he is in Boston.
So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this
morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and
some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem
but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on
telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded and I
always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really
funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does
not always select and choose his stories and he just as soon I did not
go out with him. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr.
Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really
interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else
but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a
cable from Willie Gwynn who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not
even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy but he never gets
anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such as him, after
meeting a gentleman like Gerry.
April 2nd:
I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is
nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by
Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amuseing in spots because it was
really quite riskay but the spots were not so close together and I
never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the
spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many
spots that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time
on it but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and
spend the day reading a book entitled “Lord Jim” and then tell me all
about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry is away. But when
I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the
title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her
feelings. I mean I do not know why authors cannot say “Negro” instead
of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as we have.
Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until
tomorrow and also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go
to the theatre with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as
he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does
anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do
nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering
about.
April 3rd:
I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a
letter from Mr. Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me
to the Follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his
club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with
Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put in a telephone call
for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu tried to
teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on
it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to
Madame Frances and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up.
Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this
afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of
the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes
from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something
to talk about.
April 4th:
What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is
madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston
lecturing to the womens clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of
all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was so beautiful.
And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me.
But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no
good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they
both seemed to get along quite well together, but it seems that Gerry
never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up
everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be
married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us
lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he
will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And
he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the time of
Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement
ring, and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a
new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way I still
seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of
the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of
course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of
mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph
Valentino, but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl
like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel
quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always
think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains with things
you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Gerry does
not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to
give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the
Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into
the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy and
Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema because Dorothy
says that she will go if I will go.
April 6th:
Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it
seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me
his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to
me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of
talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do
anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something definite
to put my mind on soon I will scream.
April 7th:
Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long
talk, and after all I think he is right. Because here is the first real
opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden
out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an
author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the
wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that I would have to be dragged
into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr.
Eisman said that opportunities come to seldom in a girls life for me to
give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for
France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman
says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes
and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French and
besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who
speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says
that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So
it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he
will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell
him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps.
So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing
conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and
he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner
and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent
quite a pleasant evening.
CHAPTER TWO
FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING
April 11th:
Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone
could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I
always love a ship and I really love the Majestic because you would not
know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the
steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally
is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he
has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really
no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris.
So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman
she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around
with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not
finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve
my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always
scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around
with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the
Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful
presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which
was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with
Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr.
Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which
has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying
that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me.
So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu
cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more
for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life
because when she was quite young a pullman porter fell madly in love
with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home to
Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had
been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she tried to
go back home she found out that it was to late because her best girl
friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would
not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work
for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back,
because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her
apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who
sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not
nice.
Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward
has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean
the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would
have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me
quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows
that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large
book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in
England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So
I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I
would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she
has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always
become quite vexed but I always believe in giving a gentleman another
chance.
So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs
as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in
the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can
spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in
the other dining room.
April 12th:
I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a
gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the
gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distants in the bar, but if it
really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in
her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I saw this
gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman
Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset,
so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so
terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to
Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room
and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to
cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical
because it makes me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate
as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this
morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of
ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until
luncheon time.
Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste
her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and
not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she
talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet
she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon
that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a “dirty” while.
Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that
means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a
slang word and she really should not say “dirty.”
Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman.
I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a
delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the
gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and
go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean
there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my
diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Ettiquette
as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it
that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling
you what to call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what
to call them and it is generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose
real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. So I will not waste my time on
such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I
think I saw.
April 13th:
It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it
was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back
things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are.
So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the
gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful
gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name
is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London called Mr.
Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.
Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after
all. So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really
thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met
the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really
saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture.
So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to
rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the
steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset.
So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell
him all about it.
So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent
me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa
and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman
who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me
good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business colledge in
Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid
a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new
stenographer. So he looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me
out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in
his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to
know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his
office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a
gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I
went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who
really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I
found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a
bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came
out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that
the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings.
So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was
at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called
me names that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the
trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the
gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told
them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So
the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and
acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all
of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes and he
took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings
became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard
got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave
me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a
girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he
said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name of a girl who became
famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood in the
cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains
ought not to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took
me out of the cinema so he could educate me.
So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked
about, because he said it was quite a co-instance because this District
Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government
of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some
business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon
would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government
in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only
of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is
such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who
he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to
forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us
together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a
lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in
Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I
to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like
to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on
the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk
with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a
gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large
bottle of perfume and a quite cute imitation of quite a large size dog
in the little shop which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon
really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am
going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.
April 14th:
Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to
be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my
room quite late Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett
were really going to be friends because he said a girl with brains like
I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like
Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.
So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be
like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in
Little Rock he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned
out not to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains
against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks
I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in
Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly.
So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write
the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time
to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know
that I read books which is quite a co-instance because he reads them
to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon
called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in
Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot.
So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Barlett was
really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything
and the less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask
me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I
could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon
that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in
my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.
Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.
Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman
who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward
and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The
steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and
he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was
arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would
bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a
bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a
cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I
mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody
was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was
very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So
when they asked him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them
that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a
house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything
would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in
the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until
they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that
it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been
through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman
like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all
afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the
whole afternoon with him.
April 15th:
Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was
really all for the sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to
have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is
very rough. So they took up quite a collection and Mr. Bartlett made
quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents
are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I
mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl
when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was
quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of
Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but
Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the
ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a
cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion
were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope
I do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three
now and I do not see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a
jewelry store on the ship as it is really not much fun to go shopping
on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing but imitations of dogs.
So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of
the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the
moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I
would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked
me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there
and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful
dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking
for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I
went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it
seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep
a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really
had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking
for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me
when he got back home was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told
him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate.
So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the
same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in
France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I
could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me
he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had
serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I
told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some
girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was
business for the United States government at Washington and he could
not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite
a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was
business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could
be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that
Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want,
especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them
which is to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise
and I became quite stiff and told him I would have to go down to my
room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I
got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to
pack up.
So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and
she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice
the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her
time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink
champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a
lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note
to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at
France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will
see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down
at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at
Little Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for
those things but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major
Falcon all about the airoplane business as he really wants to know.
And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me
all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean
Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a
lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he
thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had
really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr.
Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to
care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.
So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel
quite thrilled because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he
does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet
as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is
always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including
the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have
quite a delightful time in London.
CHAPTER THREE
LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING
April 17th:
Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on
the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it
stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is
much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York
and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational
after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night
because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would
hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New
York.
So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of
Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I
always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to
always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.
So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw
a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy
under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on
top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I
said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American
girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an
American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have
been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I
have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really
Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all
three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each
other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better
because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to
school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all
the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being
one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical,
because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get
historical.
So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I
could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So
we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we
went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute
hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the
time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the
children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of
money.
So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon
invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton.
So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry
because she had to go to her music lesson.
So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be
English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which
seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are
honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are
just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton
was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she
took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell
flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked
her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I
am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy
because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I
mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use
shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call
it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell
flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she
would love us to meet her mother.
So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house
which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother
seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having
a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of
paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she
asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told
her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age
should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my
daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she
asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy
but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think
the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed
very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she
grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the
time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge
Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I
told the Countess that we did not need any dog.