(_From the forthcoming History of Parliament_)
One blow and Ireland sprang from the head of her Saxon enslaver a new
Minerva! Proudly and solemnly she then sat down to frame a Republic
worthy of Plato and Pat. Her first president had been a workhouse
porter and a night watchman. He was, therefore, eminently fitted both
for civil and military administration. The speech of President Pat on
opening Congress develops his policy and his well-digested plans of
legislative reform. Here are a few choice quotations:--
The key-stone of Government is the blarney stone.
Political progress may always be accelerated by a bludgeon.
Our institutions must be consolidated by soft soap and whacks.
The people's will is made known by manifesto, and by many fists too.
[Illustration: _Clerk._ "Return?"
_Pat._ "Phwat for ud Oi be wantin' a returrn ticket when Oi'm here
already?"]
Every man shall be qualified to sit in Congress that is a 10 lb.
pig-holder, provided that the pig and the member sleep under the same
roof.
Members of Congress will be remunerated for their public services.
Gentlemen wearing gloves only to have the privilege of shaking the
president's hand. The unwashed to be paid at the door.
Pipes will not be allowed on the Opposition benches, nor may any
member take whiskey until challenged by the president.
Under no circumstances will a member be suffered to sit with his
blunderbuss at full-cock, nor pointed at the president's ear.
Our ambassadors will be chosen from our most meritorious postmen, so
that they may have no difficulty in reading their letters.
The Foreign Office will be presided over by a patriotic editor who has
travelled in New South Wales and is thoroughly conversant with its
language.
Instead of bulwarks, the island will be fortified by Irish bulls; our
military engineers being of opinion that no other horn-works are so
efficient or necessary.
To prevent heart-burnings between landlord and tenant, a Government
collector of rents will be appointed, and tenant-right shall include a
power to shoot over the land, and at any one on it.--_Punch_, 1865.
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[Illustration: THE TRIUMPHS OF TEMPER.--_Fare (out of patience at the
fourth "jib" in a mile)._ "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!"
_Cabby (through the trap, in a whisper)._ "Ah thin, sor, niver mind
her! Sit still! Don't give her the satisfaction av knowin' she's got
rid av ye!!"]
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"MASTER'S away from home, sir. Would you please to leave your name?"
"Faix, an' what should I be lavin' me name forr, bedad! when he knows
me quite well?"
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RATHER MIXED.--The following is from _The Irish Times_ on
"Landslips":--"To feel the solid earth rock beneath his feet, to have
his natural foothold on the globe's surface swept, so to speak, out of
his grasp, is to the stoutest heart of man terrifying in the extreme."
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FROM IRELAND.--Good name for an auctioneer's wife--Biddy.
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