4. Shilelaghs, revolvers, and pikes, shall not be introduced into the
House, except when accompanied by a Member.
5. A Member shall be bound to attend every debate. A Member, however,
shall be excused if he gets up in his place in the House and announces
that he would be present were he not ill at home in bed.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SCENE--_An Irish Station. Fair Day_
_Porter._ "An what the divil are ye doin', tying that donkey up there?"
_Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home)._
"Shure an' I've a perfect right to! Haven't I taken a ticket for the
baste!"]
* * * * *
6. A quorum shall consist of forty Members. Should a count-out be
demanded, Members who have been engaged in personal altercation, shall
be included unless they are sufficiently conscious to utter "Erin go
Bragh!" thrice distinctly.
7. Duels will be strictly forbidden. Should any Member, however, think
proper to break this rule, it will be considered a breach of privilege
if he does not invite the Speaker and the whole House to see the fun.
8. There will be only one Speaker; but two or more Members may be
elected to the post.
9. Only one Member shall address the House at a time, except when two
or more wish to speak at once, in which case they shall not interrupt
each other.
10. A Member when addressing the House shall not wear his hat unless he
has got it on his head before rising, when he shall remove it on any
Member directing the Speaker's attention to the fact.
11. Under no consideration whatever will the consumption of any spirits
be permitted in the House. This rule does not apply to whiskey, gin,
brandy, and the French liqueurs.
12. As only the most elegant Dublin English will be spoken in the
House, no Provincial brogue can be tolerated. To this rule there will
be no exception.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Irish Nurse._ "Now thin, mum, wake up an' take yer
sleepin' dhraught!"]
* * * * *
PAT'S TRUE BREAKFAST CHRONOMETER.--"Sure, me stomach in the early
morning is as good as a watch to me. I always know when _it wants
'something to ate.'_"
* * * * *
A BROAD HINT.--_English Traveller (to Irish Railway Porter labelling
luggage)._ "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"
_Porter._ "Shure, your honour, our tongues is the only insthruments
we're allowed. But they're asy kep' wet, your honour?"
[_Hint taken!_
* * * * *
IRISH HOUSEKEEPING.--_Bachelor._ "Mary, I should like that piece of
bacon I left at dinner yesterday."
_Irish Servant._ "Is it the bit o' bhacon thin? Shure I took it to
loight the fhoires!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN EVENING'S FISHING (BEHIND THE DISTILLERY AT
SLIGO).--_First Factory Lad._ "Dom'nick, did ya get e'er a bite at
all?" _Second Ditto._ "Sorra wan, Pat. Only wan small wan!" _First
Ditto._ "Yerrah! Lave it there, an' come home. Shure you'll get more
than that in bed!"]
[Illustration: EXPENDED.--_Guest._ "Will you give me a little
champagne?" _Hibernian Waiter._ "Shumpane, sor? Bedad, I've had none
meself this two hours!"]
[Illustration: "OPPRISSION."--_Landlord._ "Tut-t-t! 'O'bless my soul!
This must be seen to, Flannigan! The cabin positively isn't fit to live
in! Why, you're ankle-deep in----" _Pat._ "Och sure, sor, it's a mighty
convanient house, an' that's an iligant spring in the flure, sor. No
throuble to go outside for watter whatever!!"]
[Illustration: RATHER TOO LITERAL.--_Country Gentleman (in a rage)._
"Why, what have you been up to, you idiot? You've let him down,
and----" _New Groom._ "Yes, yer honner, ye tould me to break him; an'
bruk he is, knees an' all, worse luck!"]
[Illustration: "READY, AYE READY!" _Officer "Royal Irish."_ "Why were
you late in barracks last night, Private Atkins?"
_Private Atkins._ "Train from London was very late, sir."
_Officer._ "Very good. Next thime the thrain's late, take care y' come
by an earlier one!"]
[Illustration: _Irish Dealer._ "Ach, begorra, would ye run over the
cushtomers? Sure, it's scarce enough they are!"]
[Illustration: SUPEREROGATION.--_Humanitarian._ "Couldn't you manage to
put a little more flesh on your poor horses' bones? He's frightfully
thin!"
_Car-driver._ "Bedad, surr, what's the use o' that? The poor baste can
hardly carry what he's got a'ready!"]
[Illustration: _Mrs. O'Brady._ "Shure oi want to bank twinty pounds.
Can I draw it out quick if I want it?"
_Postmaster._ "Indade, Mrs. O'Brady, you can draw it out to morrow if
you give me a wake's notice!"]
[Illustration: _It is necessary in some parts of Ireland for carmen
to have their names legibly written on the tailboard of the car.
Inspector._ "What's the meanin' of this, Pat? Your name's o-bliterated."
_Pat._ "Ye lie--it's O'Brien!"]