_CURIOUS AND ECCENTRIC ADVERTISEMENTS._
Advertisements of the kind which form the subject of this chapter have
been so often made matter of comment and speculation, have so often
received the attention of essayists and the ridicule of comic writers,
that it is hard to keep out of the beaten track, and to find anything
fresh to say upon a topic which seems utterly exhausted. Yet the store
of fun is so great, and the excellence of many old and new stories so
undoubted, that courage is easily found for this the most difficult part
of the present work. Difficult, because there is an embarrassment of
riches, an enormous mine of wealth, at command, and the trouble is not
what to put in, but what to leave out, from a chapter on quaint and
curious advertisements. Difficult again, because some of the best
stories have been told in so many and such various guises, that until
arriving at the ends it is hard to tell they have a common origin, and
then the claims of each version are as near as possible equal. There is,
however, a way out of all difficulties, and the way in this is to verify
the advertisements themselves, and pay no attention to the apocrypha to
which they give rise; and though it is a tedious proceeding, and one
which shows little in return for the pains taken, it may be something to
our readers to know, that curious as many of the specimens given are,
they are real and original, and that in the course of our researches we
have unearthed many impostures in the way of quotations from
advertisements which have never yet appeared, unless private views of
still more private copies of papers have been allowed their
promulgators. There is, after all, little reason for a display of
inventive power, for the real material is so good, and withal so
natural, as to completely put the finest fancy to a disadvantage. It has
already been remarked that in the whole range of periodical literature
there is no greater curiosity than the columns daily devoted to
advertisements in the _Times_. From them, says a writer a few years
back, “the future historian will be able to glean ample and correct
information relative to the social habits, wants, and peculiarities of
this empire. How we travel, by land or sea--how we live, and move, and
have our being--is fully set forth in the different announcements which
appear in a single copy of that journal. The means of gratifying the
most boundless desires, or the most fastidious taste, are placed within
the knowledge of any one who chooses to consult its crowded columns.
Should a man wish to make an excursion to any part of the globe between
Cape Horn and the North Pole, to any port in India, to Australia, to
Africa, or to China, he can, by the aid of one number of the _Times_,
make his arrangements over his breakfast. In the first column he will
find which ‘A 1 fine, fast-sailing, copper-bottomed’ vessel is ready to
take him to any of those distant ports. Or, should his travelling
aspirations be of a less extended nature, he can inform himself of the
names, size, horse-power, times of starting, and fares, of numberless
steamers which ply within the limits of British seas. Whether, in short,
he wishes to be conveyed five miles--from London to Greenwich--or three
thousand--from Liverpool to New York--information equally conclusive is
afforded him. The head of the second, or sometimes the third column, is
interesting to a more extensive range of readers--namely, to the
curious; for it is generally devoted to what may be called the romance
of advertising. The advertisements which appear in that place are
mysterious as melodramas, and puzzling as rebuses.” These incentives to
curiosity will receive attention a little further on; meanwhile we will
turn to those which are purely curious or eccentric.
The record of these notices to the public is so extensive, and its
ramifications so multifarious, that so far as those advertisements which
simply contain blunders are concerned, we must be satisfied with a
simple summary, and in many cases leave our readers to make their own
comments. Here is a batch of those whose comicality is mainly dependent
upon sins against the rules of English composition. We will commence
with the reward offered for “a keyless lady’s gold watch,” which is,
though, but a faint echo of the “green lady’s parasol” and the “brown
silk gentleman’s umbrella” anecdotes; but the former we give as actually
having appeared, while so far the two latter require verification. A
lady advertises her desire to obtain a husband with “a Roman nose having
strong religious tendencies.” A nose with heavenly tendencies we can
imagine, but even then it would not be Roman. “A spinster particularly
fond of children,” informs the public that she “wishes for two or three
having none of her own.” Then a dissenter from grammar as well as from
the Church Established wants “a young man to look after a horse of the
Methodist persuasion;” a draper desires to meet with an assistant who
would “take an active and energetic interest in a small first-class
trade, and in a quiet family;” and a chemist requests that “the
gentleman who left his stomach for analysis, will please call and get
it, together with the result.” Theatrical papers actually teem with
advertisements which, either from technology or an ignorance of literary
law, are extremely funny, and sometimes alarming, and even the editorial
minds seem at times to catch the infection. One of these journals, in a
puff preliminary of a benefit, after announcing the names of the
performers and a list of the performances, went on: “Of course every one
will be there, and for the edification of those who are absent, a full
report will be found in our next paper.” This is worthy of a place in
any collection: “One pound reward--Lost, a cameo brooch, representing
Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra-road, about ten o’clock, on Tuesday
evening.” And so is this: “The advertiser, having made an advantageous
purchase, offers for sale, on very low terms, about six dozen of prime
port wine, late the property of a gentleman forty years of age, full in
the body and with a high bouquet.” The lady spoken of in the following
would meet with some attention from the renowned Barnum: “To be sold
cheap, a splendid grey horse, calculated for a charger, or would carry a
lady with a switch tail.” But she would find a formidable rival in the
gentleman whose advertisement we place as near as possible, so as to
make a pair: “To be sold cheap, a mail phaeton, the property of a
gentleman with a moveable head, as good as new.” Students of
vivisection, and lovers of natural history generally, would have been
glad to meet with this specimen of life after decapitation: “Ten
shillings reward--Lost by a gentleman, a white terrier dog, except the
head, which is black.” And as congenial company we append this: “To be
sold, an Erard grand piano, the property of a lady, about to travel in a
walnut wood case with carved legs.”
Differing somewhat, though still of the same kind, is the advertisement
of a governess, who, among other things, notifies that “she is a perfect
mistress of her own tongue.” If she means what she says, she deserves a
good situation and a high rate of wages. An anecdote is told of a
wealthy widow who advertised for an agent, and, owing to a printer’s
error, which made it “a gent,” she was inundated with applications by
letter, and pestered by personal attentions. This story requires,
however, a little assistance, and may be taken for what it is worth. Not
long ago, a morning paper contained an announcement that a lady going
abroad would give “a medical man” £100 a year to look after “a
favourite spaniel dog” during her absence. This may not be funny, but it
is certainly curious, and in these days, when starvation and misery are
rampant, when men are to be found who out of sheer love kill their
children rather than trust them to the tender mercies of the parish
officials, and when these same officials are proved guilty of
constructive homicide, it is indeed noticeable. A kindred advertisement,
also real and unexaggerated, asks for “an accomplished poodle nurse.
Wages £1 per week.” This has double claims upon our attention here, for
in addition to the amount offered for such work, there is a doubt as to
the actual thing required. Is it a nurse for accomplished poodles, or an
accomplished nurse? And, if the latter, what in the name of goodness and
common sense is accomplishment at such work? Do poodles require peculiar
nursery rhymes and lullabies, or are they nursed, as a vulgar error has
it about West-country babies, head downwards? This is not the exact
expression used with regard to the infants; but it will do. We will
conclude this short list of peculiarities with two which deserve notice.
The first is the notice of a marriage, which ends, “No cards, no cake,
no wine.” This is evidently intended for friends other than those “at a
distance,” whose polite attention is so constantly invoked. The
remaining specimen appeared in the _Irish Times_, and runs thus: “To
Insurance Offices.--Whatever office the late William H. O’Connell, M.D.
life was insured will please to communicate or call on his widow, 23
South Frederick Street, without delay.” One hardly knows which to admire
most, the style or the _insouciance_ of the demand.
Of curious advertisements which are such independent of errors,
selfishness, or moral obliquity, we have in the purely historical part
of this work given plenty specimens from olden times; but there are
still a few samples of the peculiarities of our ancestors which will
bear repetition in this chapter, more especially as most of them have
not before been unearthed from their original columns. Before quoting
any of those which are purely advertisements in the ordinary sense of
the word, we will present to our readers a curious piece of puffery
which appeared in an Irish paper for May 30, 1784, and which from its
near connection with open and palpable advertising, and from its
whimsical character, will not be at all out of place, and will doubtless
prove interesting, especially to those of a theatrical turn of mind, as
it refers to the gifted Sarah Siddons’s first appearance in Dublin. The
article runs thus: “On Saturday, Mrs Siddons, about whom all the world
has been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely
person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitching,
melting, and all-tearful character of _Isabella_. From the repeated
panegyrics in the impartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect
the sight of a heavenly angel; but how were we supernaturally surprised
into the most awful joy, at beholding a mortal goddess. The house was
crowded with hundreds more than it could hold,--with thousands of
admiring spectators, that went away without a sight. This extraordinary
phenomenon of tragic excellence! this star of Melpomene! this comet of
the stage! this sun of the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank
verse! this queen and princess of tears! this Donnellan of the poisoned
bowl! this empress of the pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakspeare!
this world of weeping clouds! this Juno of commanding aspects! this
Terpsichore of the curtains and scenes! this Proserpine of fire and
earthquake! this Katterfelto of wonders! exceeded expectation, went
beyond belief, and soared above all the natural powers of description!
She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was
the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom,
gilliflower, wall-flower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary! In short,
she was the bouquet of Parnassus! Where expectation was raised so high,
it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the
audience who were injured:--several fainted before the curtain drew up!
When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah! what a
sight was there! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, ‘albeit, unused to
the melting mood,’ blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread
and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears
ran from the bassoon players’ eyes in such plentiful showers, that they
choked the finger stops; and making a spout of the instrument, poured in
such torrents on the first fiddler’s book, that, not seeing the overture
was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat.
But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks
drawn from the smelling-bottles, prevented the mistake between flats and
sharps being discovered. One hundred and nine ladies fainted! forty-six
went into fits! and ninety-five had strong hysterics! The world will
scarcely credit the truth, when they are told, that fourteen children,
five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen, were
actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the
galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to increase the briny pond in the
pit; the water was three feet deep; and the people that were obliged to
stand upon the benches, were in that position up to their ankles in
tears! An Act of Parliament against her playing any more will certainly
pass.” As this effusion appeared almost immediately after the famous
actress’s first appearance, we are hardly wrong in considering it as
half an advertisement. It must certainly have helped to draw good houses
during the rest of her stay.
Lovers of the gentle craft maybe interested to know that what was
perhaps the earliest advertisement of Izaak Walton’s famous little book
“The Compleat Angler” was published in one of Wharton’s Almanacs. It is
on the back of the dedication-leaf to “Hemeroscopeion: Anni Æra
Christianæ, 1654.” Hemeroscopeion was William Lilly, and the almanac
appeared in 1653, the year in which Walton’s book was printed. The
advertisement says:--
There is published a Booke of Eighteen-pence price, called _The
Compleat Angler_, Or, _The Contemplative man’s Recreation_: being a
Discourse of Fish and Fishing. Not unworthy the perusall. Sold by
_Richard Marriot_ in S. _Dunstan’s_ Church-yard, _Fleetstreet_.
The publication of births, marriages, and deaths seems to have begun
almost as soon as newspapers were in full swing. At first only the names
of the noble and eminent were given, but soon the notices got into much
the same form as we now find them. One advantage of the old style was
that the amount a man died worth was generally given, though how the
exact sum was known directly he died passes our comprehension, unless it
was then the fashion to give off the secret with the latest breath. Even
under such circumstances we should hesitate to believe some people of
our acquaintance, who have tried now and again, but have never yet
succeeded in telling the truth about their own affairs or those of their
relatives. And doubtless many an heir felt sadly disappointed, on taking
his property, to find it amount to less than half of the published sum.
Notices of marriages and deaths were frequent before the announcement of
births became fashionable; and in advertisements the real order of
things has been completely changed, as obituaries began, marriages
followed, and births came last of all. In the first number of the
_Gentleman’s Magazine_, January 1731, we find deaths and marriages
published under separate heads, and many papers of the time did
likewise. The _Grub Street Journal_ gave them among the summary of
Domestic News, each particular item having the initials of the paper
from which it was taken appended, as was done with all other information
under the same head; for which purpose there was at the top of the
article the information that C. meant _Daily Courant_, P. _Daily
Post-Boy_, D. P. _Daily Post_, D. J. _Daily Journal_, D. A. _Daily
Advertiser_, S. J. _St James’s Evening Post_, W. E. _Whitehall Evening
Post_, and L. E. _London Evening Post_. In the number for February 7,
1734, we find this:--
_Died_ last night at his habitation in Pall-mall, in a very advanced
age, count Kilmanseck, who came over from Hanover with King George I.
_S. J._--At his lodgings. _L. E._ _D. A. Feb. 1._--Aged about 70. _P.
Feb. 1._----Of the small-pox, after 8 days illness, in his 23d year
count Kilmansegg, son of the countess of Kilmansegg, who came over
from Hanover the beginning of the last reign. _D. P. Feb. 1._--He came
over with his highness the prince of Orange, as one of his gentlemen.
_D. J. Feb. 1._--_Tho’_ Mr Conundrum _cannot_ account _for these
different_ accounts _of these two_ German counts, _yet he_ counts _it
certain, that the younger_ count _was the_ son of the countess, who
came over _from the_ county _of_ Hanover.
About the same time we find in the same paper another paragraph worthy
of notice:--
_Died_, last week at Acton, George Villers, Esq; formerly page of the
preference to queen Anne, said to have died worth 30,000l.--Mr Ryley,
a pay-master serjeant, as he was drinking a pint of beer at the Savoy.
_D. J._--On friday Mr Feverel, master of the bear and rummer tavern in
Gerard-street, who was head cook to king William and queen Anne,
reputed worth 40,000l. _P._--Mr Favil. _D. P._--Mr Favel. _D. J._--Mr
Fewell, 21,000l. _D. A._
On March 14, also of 1734, there is this:--
_Died_ on tuesday in Tavistock-street, Mr Mooring, an eminent mercer,
that kept Long’s warehouse, said to have died worth 60,000l. _D.
J._--_This was 5 days before he did die, and_ 40,000l. _more than he_
died worth _according to_ D. P. _Mar. 12_.
And on the 28th this:--
_Died_ yesterday morning admiral Mighelles. _C._--Mighells.
_P._--Mighills. _D. P._--A gentleman belonging to the earl of Grantham
was found dead in his bed. _P._
And so on, there being announcements in every number, many of which
showed differences in the daily-paper notices. There are also plenty of
marriage announcements, which, as a rule, give the amounts obtained with
the ladies, and sometimes the gentlemen’s fortunes. The following is
from the _G. S. J._ of February 21, 1734:--
_Married_, yesterday at S. James’s church by the right rev. Dr Hen.
Egerton, lord bishop of Hereford, the hon. Francis Godolphin, of
Scotland-yard, Esq; to the 3d daughter of the countess of Portland, a
beautiful lady of 50,000l. fortune. _P._--Will. Godolphin, Esq; to the
lady Barbara Bentinck, &c. _D. P._--At the chapel-royal, at S.
James’s: youngest daughter, &c. _D. J._ _D. A._
A few weeks later on there is this:--
_Married_ this day the countess of Deloraine, governess to the
princesses Mary and Louisa, to Will. Wyndham, Esq; son to the late
col. Wyndham. _L. E._--_They were not_ married _’till_ 10 at night.
And on April 25 this:--
_Married_ a few days since -- Price, a Buckinghamshire gentleman of
near 2000l. per ann. to miss Robinson of the Theatre Royal in
Drury-lane. _L. E._--On tuesday, the lord Visc. Faulkland to the lady
Villew, relict of the late lord Faukland, a lady of great merit and
fortune. _D. P._--Mr Price’s marriage is entirely false and
groundless. _D. A. Ap. 24._
There are in the _Journal_, as well as in contemporary and earlier
papers, occasional references to births as well, but none calling for
any comment at our hands. In the _Gentleman’s Magazine_ of February 1736
there are two notices of deaths, one commencing the list, which is
curious, and the other immediately following, which cannot fail to be
interesting:--
SIR _Brownlowe Sherard_, Bt in _Burlington_ Gardens. He was of a human
Disposition, kind to his Servants dislik’d all extravagant Expence,
but very liberal of his Fortune, as well to his Relations and Friends,
as to Numbers of distressed Objects; and in particular, to St.
_George’s_ Hospital, near _Hyde-Park Corner_.
_Bernard Lintott_, Esq., formerly an eminent Bookseller in
_Fleet-street_. High Sheriff for Sussex, aged 61.
Also the Earl of Derby, and several men who are noted to have died worth
sums varying from £13,000 to £100,000, find obituary notices. These give
particulars of the lives of the deceased, and the ways in which the
various properties are disposed of, very different from the short
announcements of modern days. Thus we find that by the death of the Hon.
Walter Chetwynd, the barony of Rathdown in the county of Dublin, and
viscounty of Chetwynd of Beerhaven in the county of Cork, both in the
peerage of Ireland, became extinct, but that his brother, John Chetwynd,
was consoled by an estate of £3000 per annum; that Mrs Eliza Barber
succumbed to “an illness she had contracted in Newgate on a prosecution
of her master, a baronet of Leicestershire, of which being honourably
acquitted, and a copy of her indictment granted, she had brought an
action of £1000 damages;” that Mr Fellows was an eminent sugar-baker;
and that Gilbert Campbell had during his life got himself into trouble
for misinterpreting his duties as an attorney. The marriage lists have
also the admirable fashion of giving the sums of money obtained with the
brides or bridegrooms as the case may be, and in some instances the
amounts of revenue.
In the _London Journal_ of February 7, 1730, there is the following,
which shows that the presentation of advertisement-books gratis is by no
means a novelty:--
_At the_ New Masquerade Warehouse _in_ Henrietta Street, Covent
Garden, _are given gratis_.
PRINTED Speeches, Jokes, Jests, Conundrums and smart Repartees, suited
to each Habit, by which Gentlemen and Ladies may be qualified to speak
what is proper to their respective Characters. Also some Dialogues for
two or more Persons, particularly between a Cardinal and a Milkmaid; a
Judge and a Chimney-sweeper; a Venetian Courtezan and a Quaker; with
one very remarkable between a Devil, a Lawyer and an Orange Wench. At
the same place is to be spoke with Signor ROSARIO, lately arrived from
Venice, who teaches Gentlemen and Ladies the behaviour proper for a
Devil, a Courtezan, or any other Character. And whereas it is a
frequent practice for Gentlemen to appear in the Habits of Ladies, and
Ladies in the habits of Gentlemen, Signor ROSARIO teaches the Italian
manner of acting in both capacities. The Quality of both Sexes may be
waited on and instructed at their Houses.
Also in 1730 two Roman histories, translated from the French by two
Jesuit priests, appeared at the same time--one by Mr Ozell, the other by
Mr Bundy--which caused the following advertisement to be inserted by the
publishers of Ozell’s work:--
^This Day is Publish’d^
_What will satisfy such as have bought Mr Ozell’s Translation of the_
ROMAN HISTORY, _and also undeceive such of Mr Bundy’s Friends as are
more Friends to Truth:_
_Number I._ of the
HERCULEAN LABOUR: or the AUGÆAN STABLE cleansed of its heaps of
historical, philological, and Geographical Trumpery. Being Serious and
facetious Remarks by Mr Ozell, on some thousands of capital and
comical Mistakes, Oversights, Negligences, Ignorances, Omissions,
Misconstructions, Mis-nomers and other Defects, in the folio
Translation of the ROMAN HISTORY by the Rev. Mr BUNDY.
A witty Foreigner upon reading an untrue Translation of Cæsar’s
Commentaries, said: “It was a wicked Translation, for the Translator
had not rendered unto Cæsar the things which were Cæsar’s.”
With equal truth tho’ less wit, may it be said the Translator of the
ROMAN HISTORY has not paid the Rev. authors the TYTHE of their DUES;
which in one of the same cloth is the more unpardonable.
The Money is to be returned by Mr Ozell, to any Gentleman, who, after
reading it shall come (or send a letter to him in Arundel Street, in
the Strand) and declare upon Honour, he does not think the Book worth
the Money.
In the _Bristol Gazette_ for Thursday, August 28, 1788, among
advertisements of the ordinary kind, some of which are noticeable as
emanating from Robert and Thomas Southey, we find the following:--
_Swansea_ and _Bristol_ DILIGENCE,
To carry THREE INSIDES.
WILL set out from the Mackworth-Arms, _Swansea_, on Wednesday the 18th
of June, and continue every Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at
four o’clock; and will arrive early the same evening at the New
Passage, where a good boat will be waiting to take the Passengers
over, and a Coach ready at eight o’clock the next morning to carry
them to _Bristol_.
Also a LIGHT COACH will set out every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday
afternoon at five o’clock, from the WHITE LION, to meet the above
Diligence.
Fare from Bristol to Swansea 1l. 10s., passage included.
Short passengers the same as the Mail Coach.
N.B.--Parcels carried on moderate terms, and expeditiously delivered;
but no parcels will be accounted for above 5l. value, unless entered
as such and paid for accordingly.
Performed by
J. LAKE, Mackworth-Arms, Swansea.
C. NOTT, Ship and Castle, Neath.
C. BRADLEY, Bear, Cowbridge.
J. BRADLEY, Angel, Cardiff.
M. HOGGARD, New Passage.
R. CHURCH, New Passage.
W. CARR, White Lion, Bristol.
N.B. A COACH every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday morning, at seven
o’clock, from the White Lion to the New Passage.
It is to be presumed that the line about short passengers refers to
those who travel short journeys only, though a friend of ours, himself a
Welshman, makes several jocular allusions to the conditions that used in
the days of travelling by road in and about the Principality to be
imposed on people of less than the average height. As these will be some
day published in a volume, the title of which is already decided
upon--“Cheese and Chuckles; or, Leeks and Laughter”--and which is
intended for distribution among the bards at the annual Eisteddfod, we
will not discount the sensation then to be derived from their
publication, more especially as we have tried in vain and failed to
understand them.
For those who take such interest in the poet Southey that anything
connected with his family is regarded with favour, we present the
following, from the same number of the _Bristol Gazette_, which was
kindly forwarded by a gentleman on hearing that this work was in
progress:--
DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP.
THE PARTNERSHIP between ROBERT and THOMAS SOUTHEY, _Linen-drapers_,
&c., of this city, was by mutual consent dissolved on the 21st of July
last; all persons to whom the said partnership stood indebted, are to
send their accounts to ROBERT SOUTHEY, Wine-street, and the persons
indebted to them, are respectfully requested to pay the same to the
said ROBERT SOUTHEY, who continues the trade as usual.
ROBERT SOUTHEY.
THOMAS SOUTHEY.
BRISTOL, August 8th, 1788.
[Illustration]
R. SOUTHEY, thanks his friends in particular and the public in
general, for the kind support he has hitherto experienced, and begs
leave to inform them, that he is just returned from London with a
large assortment of goods; particularly fine printed CALLICOES,
MUSLINS, and LACE, which he is determined to sell on as low terms as
any person in the trade, and solicits the early inspection of his
friends.
N.B.--Part of the old Stock to be sold very cheap.
There is also an advertisement in the paper from Thomas Southey, who has
taken up quarters in Close Street, soliciting custom and describing his
wares. Our correspondent, who is a gentleman of position at Neath, and
whose veracity is undoubted, says: “My father was a correspondent of
Southey’s, and in one of his letters Southey says he was very nearly
settling in our Vale of Neath, in a country house, the owner of which
was a strong Tory, but as Southey at that early period of his life was a
great Radical, he was not allowed to rent the property! If this had not
been so, he says, ‘my children would have been _Cam_brian instead of
_Cum_brian.’”
Among other old customs now fast falling into desuetude, there is in
Cumberland and some other parts of the north of England a practice known
as the Bridewain, which consists of the public celebration of weddings.
A short time after courtship is commenced--as soon as the date of the
marriage is fixed--the lovers give notice of their intentions, and on
the day named all their friends for miles around assemble at the
intending bridegroom’s house, and join in various pastimes. A plate or
bowl is generally fixed in a convenient place, where each of the company
contributes in proportion to his inclination and ability, and according
to the degree of respect the couple are held in. By this custom a worthy
pair have frequently been benefited with a sum of from fifty to a
hundred pounds. The following advertisement for such a meeting is copied
from the _Cumberland Pacquet_, 1786:--
INVITATION.
Suspend for one day your cares and your labours,
And come to this wedding, kind friends and good neighbours.
NOTICE is hereby given that the marriage of ISAAC PEARSON with FRANCES
ATKINSON will be solemnized in due form in the parish church of
Lamplugh, in Cumberland, on Tuesday next, the 30th of May inst.;
immediately after which the bride and bridegroom with their attendants
will proceed to Lonefoot, in the said parish, where the nuptials will
be celebrated by a variety of rural entertainments.
Then come one and all
At Hymen’s soft call
From Whitehaven, Workington, Harrington, Dean,
Hail, Ponsonby, Blaing and all places between,
From Egremont, Cockermouth, Barton, St Bee’s, }
Cint, Kinnyside, Calder and parts such as these; }
And the country at large may flock in if they please. }
Such sports there will be as have seldom been seen,
Such wrestling, and fencing and dancing between,
And races for prizes, for frolick and fun, }
By horses, and asses, and dogs will be run }
That you’ll all go home happy--as sure as a gun. }
In a word, such a wedding can ne’er fail please;
For the sports of Olympus were trifles to these.
Nota Bene.--You’ll please to observe that the day
Of this grand bridal pomp is the thirtieth of May,
When ’tis hop’d that the sun, to enliven the sight,
Like the flambeau of Hymen, will deign to burn bright.
These invitations were at this period far from rare, and another,
calling folk to a similar festival, appeared in the same paper in
1789:--
BRIDEWAIN.
There let Hymen oft appear
In saffron robe and taper clear,
And pomp and feast and revelry,
With mask and antic pageantry;
Such sights as youthful poets dream,
On summer eves by haunted stream.
GEORGE HAYTON, who married ANNE, the daughter of Joseph and Dinah
Colin, of Crosby Mill, purposes having a BRIDEWAIN at his house, at
Crosby near Maryport, on Thursday the 7th day of May next, where he
will be happy to see his friends and well-wishers, for whose amusement
there will be a variety of races, wrestling matches, etc. etc. The
prizes will be--a saddle, two bridles, a pair of _gands d’amour_
gloves, which whoever wins is sure to be married within the
twelvemonth; a girdle (_ceinture de Venus_) possessing qualities not
to be described; and many other articles, sports and pastimes too
numerous to mention, but which can never prove tedious in the
exhibition.
From fashion’s laws and customs free,
We follow sweet variety;
By turns we laugh and dance and sing;
Time’s for ever on the wing;
And nymphs and swains of Cumbria’s plain
Present the golden age again.
A similar advertisement appears in the _Pacquet_ in 1803, and contains
some verses of a kind superior to that generally met in these appeals.
It is called
A PUBLIC BRIDAL.
JONATHAN and GRACE MUSGRAVE purpose having a PUBLIC BRIDAL at Low
Lorton Bridge End, near Cockermouth, on THURSDAY, the 16th of June,
1803; when they will be glad to see their Friends, and all who may
please to favour them with their Company;--for whose Amusement there
will be various RACES, for Prizes of different kinds; and amongst
others, a Saddle, and Bridle; and a Silver-tipt Hunting Horn, for
Hounds to run for.--There will also be Leaping, Wrestling, &c. &c.
☞ Commodious ROOMS are likewise engaged for DANCING PARTIES, in the
Evening.
Come, haste to the BRIDAL!--to Joys we invite You,
Which, help’d by the Season, to please You can’t fail:
But should LOVE, MIRTH, and SPRING strive in vain to delight You,
You’ve still the _mild_ Comforts of LORTON’S sweet VALE.
And where does the GODDESS more charmingly revel?
Where ZEPHYR dispense a more health-chearing Gale,
Than where the pure _Cocker_, meandring the Level,
Adorns the calm Prospects of LORTON’S sweet VALE?
To the BRIDAL then come;--taste the Sweets of our Valley;
Your Visit, _good Cheer_ and _kind Welcome_ shall hail.
Round the _Standard_ of OLD ENGLISH CUSTOM, we’ll rally,--
And be blest in _Love_, _Friendship_, and LORTON’S sweet VALE.
A correspondent, writing in Hone’s Table-Book, date August 1827, says it
was in the early part of the century “a prevalent custom to have ‘bidden
weddings’ when a couple of respectability and of slender means were on
the eve of marriage; in this case they gave publicity to their
intentions through the medium of the _Cumberland Pacquet_, a paper
published at Whitehaven, and which about twenty-nine years ago was the
only newspaper printed in the county. The editor, Mr John Ware, used to
set off the invitation in a novel and amusing manner, which never failed
to insure a large meeting, and frequently the contributions made on the
occasion, by the visitors, were of so much importance to the new-married
couple that by care and industry they were enabled to make so good ‘a
fend as niver to look ahint them.’” That this or a similar custom was
practised commonly a generation ago in Wales, where it is even now
occasional, a notice issued from Carmarthen shows. It is peculiar, and
runs thus:--
CARMARTHEN, April 12, 1836.
AS we intend to enter the MATRIMONIAL STATE on THURSDAY, the 5th of
MAY next, we are encouraged by our Friends to make a BIDDING on the
occasion the same Day, at the Sign of the ANGEL, situate in
LAMMAS-STREET; when and where the favour of your good and agreeable
Company is most humbly solicited, and whatever donation you may be
pleased to confer on us then, will be thankfully received, warmly
acknowledged, and cheerfully repaid whenever called for on a similar
occasion,
By your most obedient humble Servants,
DAVID DANIEL
(Shoemaker,)
RUTH EVANS.
THE Young Man, and his Mother, (Mary Daniel,) and his Brother and
Sister (Joshua and Anne,) desire that all gifts of the above nature
due to them, be returned on the said Day, and will be thankful for all
favours granted.
Also, the Young Woman, and her Mother (Sarah Evans,) and her
Grand-father and Grand-mother (John and Frances Evans,) desire that
all Gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the above
Day, and will be thankful with her Uncle and Aunt (Benjamin and
Margaret Evans, Penrhywcoion,) for all additional favours granted.
The applications made by means of the notes which follow the
advertisement show that the promise made by David and Ruth to repay all
amounts when called upon is something more than a mere flourish. We
should not like, though, to guarantee that these promises were always
kept, and have no doubt that the concocters of the foregoing found, as
so many others did before them, and not a few have done since, that
kindness is generally obtained from the least expected, and often the
least valued, quarter. This is a glorious dispensation of providence,
and few people who have experienced misfortune, or have been in want of
assistance, but have felt how compensating is the hidden power which
guides our destinies. Yet writers who constantly rail about the
insincerity of friendship make little or no mention of those truest
friends, the friends who appear uninvoked, and do whatever has been
asked in vain of others who may have promised freely, or who are in fact
indebted to those they ignore in the moment of adversity.
Burly old Grose, the friend of Burns, in his “Olio” gives a curious
specimen of composition, which he says was the effort of a mayor in one
of our University towns, though which is not stated. It tells us that--
WHEREAS, a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of
outrageous Accidents by Fire, we whose Names are undersigned, have
thought proper that the Benefit of an Engine, bought by us, for the
better Extinguishing of which, by the Accidents of Almighty God, may
unto us happen, to make a Rate to gather Benevolence for the better
propagating such useful Instruments.
Some clever student of style may be able to tell, by a clue invisible
to the uninitiated, whether this is Oxford or Cambridge. We are not
learned in such matters, and so prefer to admire, without troubling
ourselves to identify.
Poetical advertisements were not at all uncommon a hundred years ago and
less. The demand for space, and the steam-engine rate at which we live
now, have, however, destroyed not only the opportunity for them, but
their use. Towards the close of the last century there lived in the
Canongate, Edinburgh, one Gavin Wilson, a hard-working bootmaker, or, as
his sign described him, “Arm, Leg and Boot maker, _but not_ to his Royal
Highness the Prince of Wales.” He was a singular fellow, and was the
inventor of an art for hardening and polishing leather, so as to be
workable into powder-flasks, snuff-boxes, drinking-mugs, ink-cases, and
other articles of a similar kind. His genius did not stop at this rough
work, but enabled him to form a German flute and a violin, both of
leather, which, for neatness of workmanship and melodiousness of tone,
were, friendly critics said, not a bit inferior to any fiddle or flute
formed of wood. His greatest triumphs, however, were artificial arms and
legs, also made of leather, which not only completely remedied loss of
limb, but also closely resembled their human prototypes, being covered
with skin, nails, &c. The unexampled success of his endeavours in this
way was curiously illustrated by a person who, having lost both his
hands by a cannon-shot, was provided with a new and useful pair by Gavin
Wilson. This man expressed his gratitude in a letter of thanks, written
with the artificial hands, which appeared in the _Caledonian Mercury_
for 1779, along with an advertisement of the ingenious mechanic. Wilson
had also pretensions to wit, and was occasionally a votary of what Foote
once described as the Tuneful Ten. “Nine and one are ten,” said Foote
one day to an accountant, who was anxious the wit should hear his
poetry, and who commenced, “Hear me, O Phœbus and ye Tuneful Nine!”
Having got so far, he accused Foote of inattention; but the latter
said, “Nine and one are ten--go on,” which was too near the shop to be
pleasant. The following advertisement may serve as a specimen of
Wilson’s poetical attempts:--
G. Wilson humbly as before
Resumes his thankfulness once more
For favours formerly enjoy’d
In, by the public, being employ’d.
And hopes this public intimation
Will meet with candid acceptation.
The world knows well he makes _boots_ neatly
And, as times go, he sells them cheaply.
’Tis also known to many a hundred
Who at his late invention wonder’d,
That polish’d _leather boxes_, _cases_,
So well known now in many places,
With _powder-flasks_ and _porter-mugs_,
And jointed _leather arms_ and _legs_.
Design’d for use as well as show,
_Exempli gratia_ read below,[34]
Were his invention; and no claim
Is just by any other name.
With numbers of production more,
In leather ne’er performed before.
In these dead times being almost idle,
He tried and made a _leather fiddle_.
Of workmanship extremely neat,
Of tone quite true, both soft and sweet.
And finding leather not a mute
He made a _leather German flute_,
Which play’d as well and was as good
As any ever made of wood.
He for an idle hour’s amusement
Wrote this exotic advertisement,
Informing you he does reside
In head of Canongate, south side,
Up the first wooden-railed stair,
You’re sure to find his Whimship there.
In Britain none can fit you better
Than can your servant the _Bootmaker_.
GAVIN WILSON.
Notwithstanding that their day is past, occasional poetical
advertisements are to be found in the papers now. They are, as a rule,
infinitely bad, and the following is so very different from the general
run of them, that we cannot help quoting it. Perhaps it was written
after taking a dose of “Lamplough,” which is said on authority to have
so many beneficial effects, that power over writers of verse in general,
and the writer of the following in particular, may easily be included
among them. So all minor poets had better study this, which we extract
from a “weekly” a year or so ago:--
A DRINKING SONG.
IF ever your spirits are damp, low,
And bilious; you should, I opine,
Just quaff a deep bumper of Lamplough--
Of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline.
The title is quaint and eccentric--
Is probably so by design--
But they say for disturbances ventric
There’s nought like Pyretic Saline.
Don’t bid me become exegetic,
Or tell me I’m only a scamp low,
If I can tell you more of Pyretic
Saline manufactured by Lamplough.
A second good specimen was published in a theatrical paper at the time
when Mr J. S. Clarke, an American comedian, whose strength is in his
advertisements, and who is well known this side the Atlantic, was
playing in “The Rivals.” It is entitled
SAVED.
IT was a chill November eve and on the busy town
A heavy cloud of yellow fog was sinking slowly down;
Upon the bridge of Waterloo, a prey to mad despair,
There stood a man with heavy brow and deep-lined face of care.
One ling’ring look around he gave, then on the river cast
That sullen stare of rash resolve he meant should be his last.
Far down the old cathedral rose, a shadow grey and dim,
The light of day would dawn on that but ne’er again on him.
One plunge within the murky stream would end the bitter strife.
“What rest’s there now,” he sobbed aloud, “to bid me cling to life?”
Just then the sound of stamping feet smote on his list’ning ear,
A sandwich-man upon his beat paused ’neath the lamplight clear.
One hurried glance--he read the board that hung upon his back,
He leapt down from the parapet, and smote his thigh a smack.
“I must see that,” he cried--the words that put his woe to flight
Were “John S. Clarke as Acres at the Charing Cross to-night.”
Another of these effusions, well worthy of insertion here, appeared
quite recently in a humorous paper, and is devoted to the interests of
Messrs Cook & Son, the tourist agents. Whether or not it was paid for as
an advertisement, they must have found it valuable. Despite the sneers
of several small wits whom fortune has enabled to travel in the old
expensive mode, there are very many who are neither cads nor snobs,
whatever the distinction may be, and whose greatest sin is a paucity of
income, that have felt the benefit of the popular excursionists’
endeavours. The verses are called
COOK’S PERQUISITES.
In longitude six thousand ninety-two,
Latitude nothing, the good ship, _Salt Beef_,
Caught in a gale, the worst that ever blew,
Was stranded on a coral island’s reef.
Her back was broken, so she went in halves,
The crew and captain perished, every hand;
Only a pig, some chickens, and two calves,
And the one passenger, escaped to land.
King Bungaroo, with all the royal suite,
Was waiting to receive him on the beach;
And seeing he was plump and nice to eat,
Received him graciously with courteous speech.
The suite, who thus their coming banquet eyed,
Their gastric regions rubbed with grateful paw,
And wondered if the king would have him fried,
Or boiled, or roasted,--or just eat him raw!
The hungry passenger their meaning caught
As hinting dinner in some manner dim,
And smiling at the notion, little thought
That they meant feasting _on_--and not _with_--him!
But, as you draw a fowl before ’tis drest,
The suite proceeded first, of everything
The pockets of their victim to divest,
And laid their plunder down before the king.
The monarch started at some object there--
Then seized the prisoner’s hand and cried aloud,
“Bo, bingo wobli! Chungum raggadare.
Howinki croblob? Boo! Owchingadowd!”
Which means--“Unhand this kindly gentleman.
Observe those coupons! Note that small green book!
Put out the fire--hang up the frying-pan!
We mustn’t eat him. He belongs to Cook!”
But turning back to the early times on which we started in quest of
amusing advertisements, we come upon a fictitious letter addressed to
Sylvanus Urban in the _Gentleman’s Magazine_ for September 1803, which
is signed Maria Elderly, and falls sadly foul of the indecorous
announcements then so plentiful. It runs thus: “Good Mr Urban,--You must
know, Sir, I am a married woman and a mother (I bless Heaven!) of
several not unpromising daughters. We read most of the best English and
French authors together as we sit at our work: that is to say one reads
aloud whilst the rest draw, sew, or embroider. The hours thus pass more
pleasantly; and our amusement I will hope is productive of solid mental
profit. It is a proverbial good-natured joke with young gentlemen that
curiosity is of the feminine gender. I will not stop to dispute the
matter with such acute grammarians; but will rather honestly admit that
(although I think otherwise) perhaps ‘much may be said on both sides.’
Nay, I will own, Sir, that what with the natural timidity of my sex, and
the fear of Bonaparte’s invasion, I do feel a little hankering or so, to
learn how the world of politics is conducted. I therefore have lately
taken in a certain fashionable morning newspaper, and was much amused at
first with its contents. But, my dear Mr Urban, I fancy I must give up
this paper; and as I find you are a married gentleman, I will at once
tell you why: I have often been vexed, Sir, at the sight of certain
indecorous advertisements. Proof is better than accusation at all times.
I will therefore just allude to a few, which, however, I assure you, are
not the worst. I know you cannot expect _me_ to transcribe them. The
first instance I shall notice, is in the paper of April 21, 1803, where
‘a lady near 30, wishes to be companion to a single gentleman;’ and as a
proof of the impropriety of this advertisement, Mr O. of Dover Street
(to whom the _lady_ referred) thought it necessary pointedly to deny all
knowledge of her in another advertisement of April 28. In the paper of
May 5, I read that ‘a widow-lady _pleasing in her person_, &c., solicits
the loan of £40 from a gentleman.’ The lady refers to a house in Dean
Street, Soho. In that of May 26 ‘a young female intreats the loan of
£130 from a nobleman or gentleman of fortune.’ She refers to Curriers’
Row, Black friars. In that of June 1, a young lady (who refers to the
post-office, Blandford Street, Portman Square) inserts a most
unqualified proposal indeed. In that of June 16, the proposal is
repeated in still more impertinent terms. The lady now refers to Eyre
Street, Hatton Garden. In that of June 18, appear two advertisements
from females, _of a very curious nature_, addressed to two young men.
Both are assignations; and they are expressed too in very intelligible
terms, I do assure you. I believe you will agree with me that such
advertisements can do no good and may do much harm. I could enlarge my
list very greatly, by pointing your eyes to paragraphs of a later date;
but the subject is a very unpleasant one, and I at present forbear. ‘My
poverty, but not my will consents’ may do in a play; but it is a sad
excuse for the editor of a daily publication: and it is _criminal_, Sir,
when we consider how many young minds may thus be empoisoned.” We trust
this letter will be taken as evidence that we have in the preceding
chapter by no means selected the worst specimens of the style which
pervaded advertisements at the close of the last century and beginning
of the present.
The believers in vested interests may see by an advertisement of the
year 1804, that proprietorial rights were respected in those days even
among beggars:--
TO be disposed of for the benefit of the poor widow a Blind Man’s WALK
in a charitable neighbourhood, the comings-in between twenty-five and
twenty-six shillings a week, with a dog well drilled, and a staff in
good repair. A handsome premium will be expected. For further
particulars, inquire at No. 40, Chiswell Street.
The halcyon days of cadgers and crossing-sweepers are over, and we no
longer hear of members of either profession leaving fortunes. It has
often been source of wonder to us how a right was maintained in any
particular crossing or walk. It is presumable, of course, that no action
would lie in the event of one man taking another’s favourite corner;
yet, if story-tellers are to be depended upon, the “good-wills” of these
places in days gone by were worth not hundreds alone, but thousands of
pounds. The new police and the mendicity societies have considerably
disturbed such sinecures, and even those affectionate parents that of
late years lived on the earnings of their young, who pretended to sell
cigar-lights and newspapers, but who in reality begged freely, have been
driven to earn their own meals by the officers of the various
school-boards. So passes away the glory of free trade from this
over-legislated and effete old country, where no one is allowed to do as
he likes if it at all interferes with the comfort of his
neighbours--except, of course, when he is rich and the neighbour is
poor. Passing on to 1811, we come upon a quaint request for a servant in
the _Morning Post_ of December 4:--
A COOK-HOUSEMAID, or HOUSEMAID-COOK is wanted, for the service of a
single gentleman, where only one other, a manservant is kept. The age
of the woman wanted must not be less than 25, nor more than 40 years;
and it is requisite that she should be equally excellent in the two
capacities of Cook and Housemaid. Her character must be
unexceptionable for sobriety, honesty and cleanliness. The sobriety,
however, which consists in drinking deep without staggering will not
do; nor will the honesty suffice which would make up for the possible
absence of pilfering by waste. Neither will the cleanliness answer
which is content with bustling only before the employer’s eyes--a sure
symptom of a slattern. The servant advertised for, must be thoroughly
and truly cleanly, honest and sober. As it is probable that not a drab
out of place who reads this advertisement but will be for imposing
herself, though, perhaps, incapable of cooking a sprat, and about as
nice as a Hottentot, all such are warned not to give themselves
useless trouble. On the other hand, a steady, clean woman, really
answering the above description, will, by applying as below, hear of a
place not easy equalled in comfort; where the wages are good and
constantly increasing, and where servants are treated as
fellow-creatures, and with a kindness, which, to the discredit of
their class, is seldom merited. Personal application to be made, from
one to three o’clock, to Mr Danvers, perfumer, No. 16, Craven Street,
Strand.
Here we have the crotchety old bachelor of the novels to the life. This
advertiser was evidently a judge of character, and doubtless one of the
kindest-hearted of men, but irascible and touchy, subject to twinges of
gout, and possessed of a horror of east winds. A man who would scorn to
be affected by the most pitiful story, yet whose hand was always in his
pocket, and whose sympathy always meant relief as well. Where are all
these good old creatures gone? Are they all dead, and is the race
extinct? Frankly we must admit that we never met with any one of them,
though we should very much like to, as we could in our own person find
plenty of opportunity for the disposition of extra benevolence. It is
said that the brothers Cheeryble had an actual existence, and perhaps
they had, but if so, they managed to conceal their identity extremely
successfully. We remember once meeting two brothers in business, who in
appearance and manner were exactly like Nickleby’s benefactors; but two
more astute individuals were not to be found in the three kingdoms. And
on the strength of this likeness they possessed a great reputation for a
benevolence which never had even a symptom of real being. Apropos of
those imaginary philanthropists the Cheerybles, we present one of the
advertisements which were called forth by their appearance in the story.
It is from the _Times_, and was published February 7, 1844:--
TO THE BROTHERS CHEERYBLE, or any who have hearts like theirs. A
clergyman, who will gladly communicate his name and address, desires
to introduce the case of a gentleman, equal at least to Nickleby in
birth, worthy, like him, for refinement of character, even of the best
descent; like him, of spotless integrity, and powerfully beloved by
friends who cannot help him, but no longer, like Nickleby, sustained
by the warm buoyancy of youthful blood. The widowed father of young
children, he has spent his all in the struggles of an unsuccessful but
honourable business, and has now for eighteen months been vainly
seeking some stipendiary employment.--To all who have ever known him
he can refer for commendation. Being well versed in accounts, though
possessed of education, talents, and experience, which would render
him invaluable as a private secretary, he would accept with gratitude
even a clerk’s stool and daily bread. Any communication addressed to
the Rev. B. C., Post-office, Cambridge, will procure full particulars,
ample references, and the introduction of the party, who is now in
town, and ignorant of this attempt to serve him.
Dickens, knowing his power at that time, must have laughed in his sleeve
at the trick he was playing the professional swindler when he portrayed
the brothers; though, if we are to believe what we are told in the
preface to a subsequent edition of his book, the noble army of
begging-letter writers and suchlike impostors had ample revenge, for he
was pestered nearly to death with importunities to reveal the real name
and address of purely mythical characters. Inventors of appeals to the
benevolent, either by way of letter or advertisement, are a hard-working
race, and must find the task of enlisting sympathy much more difficult
than it was when Mr Puff tided over a time of misfortune by aid of the
charitable and credulous. It is possible even now, despite the efforts
of societies and detectives who give themselves entirely to the work of
unmasking counterfeits, to find one or two of those heart-stirring
appeals to the benevolent which have maintained many an impostor in
idleness for years together. Like Puff did in his time, though
evidently less and less successfully, these advertisers support
themselves upon their inventions by means of the proceeds of addresses
“to the charitable and humane,” or “to those whom providence has blessed
with affluence.” The account which Puff gives of his fictitious
misfortunes so little exaggerates the advertisements which appear
occasionally in the _Times_, that it is well to the point, and worthy of
quoting. “I suppose,” he says, “never man went through such a series of
calamities in the same space of time. I was five times made a bankrupt,
and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoidable
misfortunes. Then, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice
burnt out, and lost my little all both times. I lived upon those fires a
month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and
lost the use of my limbs. That told very well; for I had the case
strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself!
Afterwards, I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea for a debt
benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was then reduced to--oh
no!--then I became a widow with six helpless children. Well, at last,
what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other
valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I
determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my
conscience.”
But leaving “The Critic,” and the ideas which the specimens just given
have promoted, we will fall back upon an advertisement of a truly
humorous nature, which is given to the world as long back as 1816. What
householder who has improved his dwelling for the benefit of a grasping
proprietor will not sympathise with the writer of this?--
WANTED IMMEDIATELY, to enable me to leave the house which I have for
these last five years inhabited, in the same plight and condition in
which I found it, 500 LIVE RATS, for which I will gladly pay the sum
of £5 sterling; and as I cannot leave the farm attached thereto in the
same order in which I got it, without at least Five Millions of
Docks, Dockens (weeds), I do hereby promise a further sum of £5 for
said number of Dockens. Apply ----.
Dated, 31 October, 1816.
N.B. The Rats must be full grown, and no cripples.
In close companionship with the above we find another, which for
peculiarity is quite as noticeable. The advertiser has evidently studied
humanity without receiving much benefit from his researches, unless the
knowledge that he is vastly superior to every one else is a benefit. If
the advertisement were not a swindle, of which it seems very suggestive,
it is not unreasonable to suppose that failure attended upon it, for no
man who believed to such an extent in himself could ever be brought to
have faith in another:--
IT is the general desire of princes and opulent men to live
friendless--they gain obsequiousness, adulation, and dependents, but
not friends: the sycophants that surround them disappear when the lure
that attracted them is lost: beguiled by blandishments, deceived by
hypocrisy, and lulled by professions they do not discover imposture
till adversity detects it. The evil is unbounded--they never obtain a
sincere opinion, whether regarding pecuniary embarrassment or domestic
dissension--in any perplexed or unhappy event they receive no counsel
but that which benefits the sinister views of him who gives it. Of
what advantage is fortune if it transforms friends into parasites, and
we are to live in constant delusion; or isolated and secluded, we must
exist like hermits to shun intercourse with our fellow-beings, and
escape perfidy? One whose affluence precludes speculation, who has
proved himself undaunted in danger and unshaken in fidelity, proffers
his friendship to him who deserves it, and will know how to appreciate
it;--his reading has not afforded mere abstract knowledge, but has
been rendered auxiliary for a vast intercourse with the world; years
have furnished experience, reflection has improved it. His advice and
aid he hopes is not insignificant, be the station of him who requires
them ever so elevated. As there can be no independence where there is
not equality of circumstances, no one of inferior condition can be
noticed.
Still about the same period we come upon the advertisement of an Irish
schoolmaster, which for inflation, pomposity, and ignorance is perhaps
unrivalled. It is only fair, while quoting this, to say that Mr Hendrick
is not by any means a good specimen of the Irish teacher, who is, as a
rule, modest, conscientious, and chokeful of learning. This extract
forcibly reminds us of one of Samuel Lover’s characters:--
MR HENDRICK’S DEVOIR TO THE GENTRY OF LIMERICK.
WOULD be elated to assign his attention for the instruction of eight
or ten Pupils, to attend on their houses each second day, to teach the
French language, Geography on the Principles of Astronomy, traversing
the Globe by sea and land on the rudiments of a right angle, with a
variety of pleasing Problems, attached to Manners, Customs, &c. of
different Countries, Trade and Commerce; Phenomenons on Volcanos,
Thunder, Sound, Lightning, &c. Such as please to continue, may advance
through a Course of Natural Philosophy, and those proficient in French
can be taught the above in that Language.
N.B. At intervals would instruct in the Italian Language.
Please to inquire at Mr Barry, Newtown-Perry.
J. HENDRICK, _Philomathos_.
In a Jersey newspaper for December 1821 there is a very funny
advertisement for a lost dog--so funny indeed is it that it seems more
than likely to have been a hoax, or a hit at the peculiarly broken
English identified with the Channel Islands. Still it appears as an
advertisement, and so we append it:--
LOSE.--Dere ave bin von doge, dat vil replay to de appel of “Outre;”
he is betwin de couleur of de vite and de bruin, dere is belif he was
delay by some personne on propos, as he was vont by de oner on Monday
next for to come to de chasse, as he kno vere was de hairs. Applie of
de oner at de Printure.
As a companion, here is the following from the _Handelsblad_ of
Amsterdam. It is much more natural than the Jersey effusion, and is
evidently an attempt to write the language known on the Continent and
abroad generally as American. It will be recollected that one of the
last requests of the Emperor Nicholas during the Crimean war was that,
in gratitude for the efforts at assistance made by the good people of
the United States, the cadets in the military schools should be taught
the American language. This must be near to his idea of it:--
MEDAILLE of SILVER at New-York.
MEDAILLE of GOLD at Paris, London and Berlin.
The very celebrated AMERICAN-BALSAM, notwithstanding the great
competition, preserve the preference; wherefore, did is your question
because every body is content with his expectation and recommend this
balsam indeed.
The under signed have by experience of himself following the working
of this balsam and may be rejoicing to offer an his honorables
fellow-citizens and compatriots a very excellent remedy to prevent the
sally of hair, to dissiporte the erysipelas; and than the greatest
desire of man consist to recover the hair upon their bald-spates, it
is reading every day in the newspapers, but none annonce, as the under
signed has the right to do it with contract _NO HAIR NO MONNEY_.
The prevent imitation none than THEOPHILE is sole agent for the
Netherlands, St. Nicholasstreet at Amsterdam. Ladys! Perriwigs! curls,
tress shall be dying very beautiful is every colours, of light haired
to black.
Bony inspection of a long wigt tress, with teen differents coleurs.
On December 23, 1823, the following droll advertisement appeared in the
_Morning Herald_. It was probably a satire on the manners and customs of
quasi-fashionables of the day, though why any one should be so anxious
to mark his disapprobation of the state of affairs as to pay for the
publication of his satires we really are not prepared to say:--
WANTED, for the ensuing London Campaign, a CHAPERON, who will
undertake the charge of two young ladies, now making their entrée into
fashionable life; she must possess a constitution impervious to
fatigue and heat, and be perfectly independent of sleep; _au fait_ at
the mysteries of Whist and Cassino, and always ready to undertake a
round game, with a supper appetite of the most moderate description:
any personal charms, which might interfere by her acting as a foil to
her charges, will be deemed inadmissible; and she must be totally
divested of matrimonial pretensions on her own account, having
sufficient experience in the _beau monde_ to decide with promptitude
on the eligibility of invitations with an instinctive discrimination
of Almack men, and eldest sons. Address to Louisa, Twopenny Post
Office, Great Mary-le-bone-street.
N.B. No Widow from Bath or Cheltenham will be treated with.
In the _Times_, at the close of the year 1826, an advertisement
appeared, which ran as follows:--
TO SCHOOL ASSISTANTS.--Wanted, a respectable GENTLEMAN of good
character, capable of TEACHING the CLASSICS as far as Homer and
Virgil. Apply ----