there; but the sequel, which is told in a number of the now leading
journal a few days afterwards, will perhaps repay perusal. A day or two
after the advertisement had appeared, the gentleman to whom application
was to be made received a letter as follows: “Sir--With reference to an
advertisement which were inserted in the _Times_ newspaper a few days
since, respecting a school assistant, I beg to state that I should be
happy to fill that situation; but as most of my frends reside in London,
and not knowing how far Homer and Virgil is from town, I beg to state
that I should not like to engage to teach the classics farther than
Hammersmith or Turnham Green, or at the very utmost distance farther
than Brentford.--Wating your reply, I am, Sir, &c. &c., John Sparks.”
The errors in orthography and syntax have been copied as in the letter,
but we fancy the matter looks suspiciously like a hoax. The editor,
however, thinks otherwise, and after appending a few remarks, says,
“This puts us in mind of a person who once advertised for a ‘_strong
coal heaver_,’ and a poor man calling upon him the day after, saying,
‘he had not got such a thing as a _strong coal heaver_, but he had
brought a _strong coal scuttle_, made of the best iron; and if that
would answer the purpose, he should have it a bargain.’” About this time
the following request for a minister was published in the _Monthly
Mirror_, and doubtless applications were numerous for the engagement:--
WANTED, for a newly erected Chapel, near Grosvenor Square, a gentleman
of elegant manners, and insinuating address, to conduct the
theological department to a refined audience. It is not necessary that
he believe in the Thirty-nine Articles; but it is expected that he
should possess a white hand and a diamond ring; he will be expected to
leave out vulgar ideas, and denunciations against polite vices which
he may meet with in the Bible; and, upon no account, be guilty of
wounding the ears of his auditory with the words h----ll, or d----n.
One who lisps, is near-sighted, and who has a due regard for amiable
weaknesses, will be preferred.
N.B.--If he is of pleasing and _accommodating_ manners, he will have a
chance of being introduced to the first company, and three card
parties every Sunday evening. One who knows a few college jokes, or
who has been Chaplain to the Whip Club, will be preferred. He will
have no occasion to administer Baptism, &c. &c. there being an old
gentleman employed, who, on account of extreme distress, has agreed,
for ten pounds per annum, to preach in the afternoon, and do all the
under work.
Letters must be addressed to James Speculate, Esq., Surveyor’s Office,
New Square, Mary-le-Bone.
Apropos of the foregoing, “The Goodfellow’s Calendar,” a handbook of
humorous anecdote and criticism for nearly every day in the year--some
stray leaves of which have found their way into our possession--gives
some account of a parson who, it says, would have been eminently fitted
for the situation. “The Rev. R. C. Maturin, Curate of St. Peter’s,
Dublin, and author of one of the most immoral and trumpery tragedies,
‘Bertram,’ that ever disgraced the stage, or gratified the low taste of
an acting manager, died October 30th 1824. This exemplary pillar of the
Established Church was exceedingly vain, both of his person and
accomplishments, and as his income would not allow him to attract
attention by the splendour of his dress and manners, he seldom failed to
do so by their singularity. Mr Maturin was tall, slender, but well
proportioned, and on the whole a good figure, which he took care to
display in a well-made black coat tightly buttoned, and some odd
light-coloured stocking-web pantaloons, surmounted, in winter, by a coat
of prodigious dimensions, gracefully thrown on, so as not to obscure the
symmetry it affected to protect. The Curate of St. Peters sang and
danced, and prided himself on performing the movements and evolutions of
the quadrille, certainly equal to any other divine of the Established
Church, if not to any private lay gentleman of the three kingdoms. It
often happened, too, that Mr. Maturin, either laboured under an attack
of gout or met with some accident, which compelled the use of a slipper
or bandage on one foot or one leg; and by an unaccountable congruity of
mischances he was uniformly compelled on these occasions to appear in
the public thoroughfares of Dublin, where the melancholy spectacle of a
beautiful limb in pain never failed to excite the sighs and sympathies
of all the interesting persons who passed, as well as to prompt their
curiosity to make audible remarks or inquiries respecting the
possessor.” We are much afraid that the vanity of Mr Maturin was not
wonderfully peculiar, and with due allowance for those differences in
our styles of dress and living which have been made in fifty years, it
would not be difficult to find ministers of the gospel who would prove
strong rivals to the curate of St Peter’s.
In 1825 the _New Times_ presented the public with the original of that
singular advertisement which has been so often quoted as an Irish bull,
but which would appear to be home-bred: “Wanted by a Surgeon residing at
Guildford, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family.”
The Hibernian companion to this would most fitly be the Dublin editor’s
statement, in reference to a newly-invented laundry machine, that by its
use every man would probably become his own washerwoman. From
washerwomen to general servants is but a step, and so from the _Times_
of five-and-twenty years back we extract a model specimen, supposed to
emanate from that rarest of _raræ aves_, a pattern domestic:--
DO YOU WANT A SERVANT? Necessity prompts the question. The advertiser
OFFERS his SERVICES to any lady or gentleman, company, or others, in
want of a truly faithful, confidential servant in any capacity not
menial, where a practical knowledge of human nature in various parts
of the world would be available. Could undertake any affair of small
or great importance, where talent, inviolable secrecy, or good address
would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst societies without
being contaminated by either; has never been a servant, begs to
recommend himself as one who knows his place; is moral, temperate,
middle-aged; no objection to any part of the world. Could advise any
capitalist wishing to increase his income and have the control of his
own money. Could act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman.
Can give advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box,
preach a sermon, tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or sublime,
or do anything from the curling of a peruke to the storming of a
citadel--but never to excel his master. Address ----.
Differing considerably, and yet much in the same line, is the following,
which is amusing from the amount of confidence the writer possesses in
his own powers, and the small value he sets upon the attainments of
those who possess that most valuable qualification of all--property. The
offer never to be better than his patron is a condescension indeed from
such a paragon:--
TO INDEPENDENT GENTLEMEN.--Wanted by a respectable, modest young man,
who can produce a cubic yard of testimonials, a living without a
master--that is, he wishes to become a companion to some gentleman,
and be his factotum. He can ride, shoot, sing, fish (but never better
than his patron without he is wanted), keep accounts, see that
servants do their duty, do twenty other things, equally necessary in
this life, and make it his whole duty to please and be pleased. Any
one seriously wishing such a person, may address, post paid to Z., to
be left at ----.
Advertisements from the other side--from employers--are also noticeable
now and again, as this will show:--
BOARD AND RESIDENCE FOR WORK.--An old literary gentleman invites two
widow ladies, about forty, to assist him in doing without servants,
except a charwoman once a week. One lady must undertake entrées,
soups, and jellies. Both must be strong and healthy, so that the work
may be rather pleasant than irksome; two-thirds of it being for their
own comfort, as no company is ever kept. A private sitting-room.
Laundry free. All dining together at seven o’clock. References of
mercantile exactness required.--Address A. B., ---- stating age and
full particulars of antecedent position, &c.
This old literary gentleman was wise in his generation, as his offer,
though very plausible, meant nothing less than obtaining two servants
without wages, and society as well. Possibly, however, the fact of the
ladies being widows was supposed, upon the principle of Tony Weller, to
compensate for shortcomings in the way of salary. Other applications for
a superior class of servants deserve attention, the following modest
offer for a governess being a case in point:--
WANTED, in a gentleman’s family, a young lady, as NURSERY GOVERNESS,
to instruct two young ladies in French, music, and singing, with the
usual branches of education, and to take the entire charge of their
wardrobe. She must be of a social disposition and fond of children,
and have the manners of a gentlewoman, as she will be treated as one
of the family. Salary twelve guineas per annum. Address ----.
All for the small price of twelve guineas per annum, about half what a
decent housemaid expects, and with less than half the liberty of a
scullion. Yet this advertisement appeared in the _Times_, and is but the
representative of others of the same kind, not one of which is supposed
to betray meanness or poverty of spirit on the part of its originator.
For twelve guineas a year, the poverty-stricken orphan or daughter of
some once rich speculator is to teach French, music, singing, writing,
arithmetic, geography, history, and other of the “usual branches of
education,” to two young ladies, who it is only fair to expect would be
much more like the brassfounder’s daughter who objected to Ruth Pinch
than similar to the charge of Becky Sharp when she occupied a
governess’s position. In addition to the drudgery of teaching, there is
the charge of the young ladies’ wardrobe, which means an occupation of
itself; and then comes--oh, worst of all!--the social disposition, by
which is undoubtedly meant a capacity for doing whatever any other
member of the family may object to do--for being the drudge of the
drawing-room when the little tyrants of the nursery are abed and asleep.
By the manners of a gentlewoman is understood a capacity for receiving
studied insult without resentment, and by treatment as one of the family
such care and comfort as would cause the cook to take her instant
departure. And all this for twelve guineas per annum! This may be called
an overdrawn picture, but that is what is said of most self-evident
facts. And what father worthy of the name would die easily if he thought
that his tenderly-nurtured daughters were likely to be grateful for the
protection and the salary offered in the foregoing specimen
advertisement? Yet many a young girl has suddenly found herself divested
of every luxury, and subject to the tender mercies of those who regard a
nursery governess as “one of the family.” There is an old story in
reference to the selection of governesses which is worth repeating here.
A lady wrote to her son requesting him to find a teacher for his
sisters, and enumerating a long list of qualifications, somewhat similar
to those generally expected in a pretentious family. The son seems to
have been wiser than his mother, for he replied stating that he had
studied the requirements, and that when he found a young lady possessed
of them all, he should endeavour to engage her, not as a governess for
his sisters, but as a wife for himself. Marriage alters women, however,
as the subjoined notice from an Irish paper proves to the most
sceptical:--
RUN AWAY FROM PATRICK M‘DALLAGH.--Whereas my wife Mrs Bridget
M‘Dallagh, is again walked away with herself, and left me with her
four small children, and her poor old blind mother, and nobody else to
look after house and home, and, I hear, has taken up with Tim Guigan,
the lame fiddler--the same that was put in the stocks last Easter for
stealing Barday Doody’s gamecock.--This is to give notice, that I will
not pay for bite or sup on her or his account to man or mortal, and
that she had better never show the mark of her ten toes near my home
again.
PATRICK M‘DALLAGH.
N.B. Tim had better keep out of my sight.
Mrs Bridget seems to have been in the habit of straying from the path of
virtue and her husband’s home, which, if we are to believe Irish poets
and orators, must have been very exceptional behaviour in the land of
“virtue and Erin.” As if to provide against similar emergency, a
Parisian puts forth an advertisement, the translation of which runs
thus:--
A gentleman in his twenty-sixth year, tired of the dissipation of the
great world, is forming a comfortable establishment in one of the
least frequented quarters of the city. His domestics are a coachman,
cook, three footmen and a chambermaid. He is in search of a young girl
of good family to improve this honourable situation: she must be well
educated, accomplished, and of an agreeable figure, and will be
entertained in the quality of _demoiselle de compagnie_. She shall
receive the utmost attention from the household, and be as well served
in every respect as, or even better than, if she were its mistress.
As just now there is constant change of opinion as to what forms the
best pavement for the streets with the greatest traffic, as the stones
which seemed to be agreed on for ever are every day becoming more and
more disliked, and as the main difference now is which is likely to
prove the more profitable change, asphalt or wood, the following, from
the _Times_ of 1851, may not be uninteresting:--
WOOD PAVEMENT.--All poor and distressed cabriolet proprietors and
others, wheresoever dispersed, are particularly requested to FORWARD
to us immediately PROVED ACCOUNTS in writing of all ACCIDENTS to and
DEATHS of HORSES, and Personal and other Casualties, in order that the
several parishes may respectfully, in the first place be
extra-judicially called on to repay all damages (at our offices),
within one calendar month of our respective applications, or otherwise
have proceedings taken against them respectively in the County Courts,
or under superior jurisdictions, and be so judicially and speedily
made to pay on account of entering into ex-parte contracts rendering
life and limb and travelling generally unsafe and dangerous in the
extreme, and so continuing the bad state of the wood pavement; for no
contracts can be lawful and right unless impliedly perused and
approved of on behalf of the public generally.
Cole and Scott, Solicitors, 12 Furnival’s Inn and Notting Hill.
If the “London stones” become things of the past, they and their
advocates will be revenged by the undoubted fact that whatever follows
them will, after the novelty has worn off, be just as much abused as its
predecessor, and most likely changed much more speedily. Deserving of
attention, too, though on a totally different matter, is the following.
It seems hard to believe that a London tradesman could believe he was
likely to get his note back by informing a man what he must have already
known; but such is the case. This must be what is known as “throwing
good money after bad:”--
CORAL NECKLACE.--The gentleman who purchased a coral necklace in
Bishopsgate-street, on Monday last received in change for a £20 note a
FIVE-POUND NOTE too much. He is requested to RETURN it.
Vulgar people would say that the buyer of the coral necklace changed his
name to Walker after this. But changes of name are not legal unless duly
advertised. Speaking of advertising changes of name, a title by which
those lodging-house pests, bugs, are now often known, that of Norfolk
Howards, is derived from an advertisement in which one Ephraim Bug
avowed his intention of being for the future known as Norfolk Howard. We
have never seen this announcement, but have noticed many others, the
appended being a specimen, though of a much less sensational kind than
that we have just referred to:--
NOTICE.--I, the undersigned THOMAS HUGHES FORDE DAVIES, of Abercery,
in the county of Cardigan, Esq., do hereby Give Notice, that I shall,
on and after the 1st day of October, 1873, ASSUME the names THOMAS
HUGHES FORDE HUGHES, instead of the names of Thomas Hughes Forde
Davies, by which last-mentioned names I have hitherto been known and
described. And I do hereby request and direct all persons whomsoever
to address and describe me as Thomas Hughes Forde Hughes, and not
otherwise. And I further Give Notice, that I have executed the
necessary Deed Poll in that behalf, and cause the same to be enrolled
in her Majesty’s High Court of Chancery.--Dated this 29th day of
September, 1873.
THOMAS HUGHES FORDE DAVIES.
There is a good deal in a name in the present day, and there are some
names which for obvious reasons do not smell as sweet as roses, and
therefore require changing. This observation does not, of course, refer
to the change from Davies to Hughes, of which we know absolutely
nothing, except that it appeared in the _Standard_ of October 1873. As
there seems little to choose between the two names, it is fair to assume
that family reasons or property qualifications led to the alteration. In
the interest of those good people who sincerely believe in appearances,
we select our next example from the columns of the _Times_. Those, also,
who are in the habit of asking what good there is in a University
education will do well to ponder over these lines:--
ARTICLED ASSISTANT.--If the GENTLEMAN who called at Messrs ---- and
---- 29, Poultry, on Thursday the 20th February in answer to an
advertisement in that day’s _Times_ for “An Articled Assistant” will
CALL again at the office to which he was referred, and where he stated
that he was a Cambridge man &c., no doubt satisfactory arrangements
can be made, as appearance is the chief object.
Appearance is indeed the chief object of attention at the present day,
and its influence goes much farther than people imagine, even at the
very time they are subscribing to it. Not alone does it affect the
positions of the drapers’ young man, the shop-walker, and the modern
_jeune premier_, the latter of whom may be an idiot so long as he is
young, tall, slim, and good-looking, but it materially influences a
higher class of society. Day after day we see men credited, by means of
lying heads and faces, with the qualifications and abilities they do not
possess; and, on the other hand, we as frequently find the mildest and
most benevolent of gentlemen regarded as desperate characters or
hard-fisted old curmudgeons. No one will nowadays believe that a man who
does not look very clever or very foolish can do anything in literature
or the arts above the common run; and the most frequent exclamation to
be heard after a real celebrity has been seen is one of disappointment,
so little will he bear comparison with the ideal. Appearances were never
more deceptive, and never more believed in, than they are now.
Stories of advertising tombstones, some true, some apocryphal, are
plentiful, and the best of those in which reliance can be placed is that
about the Parisian grocer. It is well known that at the Père la Chaise
Cemetery, near Paris, there stands, or stood, in a conspicuous position,
a splendid monument to Pierre Cabochard, grocer, with a pathetic
inscription, which closes thus:--
His inconsolable widow
dedicates this monument to his memory
and continues the same business at the
old stand, 187, Rue Mouffetard.
A gentleman who had noticed the inscription was led by curiosity to call
at the address indicated. Having expressed his desire to see the widow
Cabochard, he was immediately ushered into the presence of a
fashionably-dressed and full-bearded man, who asked him what was the
object of his visit. “I come to see the widow Cabochard.” “Well, sir,
here she is.” “I beg your pardon, but I wish to see the lady in person.”
“Sir, I am the widow Cabochard.” “I don’t exactly understand you. I
allude to the relict of the late Pierre Cabochard, whose monument I saw
yesterday at the Père la Chaise.” “I see, I see,” was the smiling
rejoinder. “Allow me to inform you that Pierre Cabochard is a myth, and
therefore never had a wife. The tomb you admired cost me a good deal of
money, and, although no one is buried there, it proves a first-rate
advertisement, and I have had no cause to regret the expense. Now, sir,
what can I sell you in the way of groceries?” The art of mingling
mourning and money-making was still better illustrated in the following
notice of a death in a Spanish paper:--
This morning our Saviour summoned away the jeweller, Siebald Illmaga,
from his shop to another and a better world. The undersigned, his
widow, will weep upon his tomb, as will also his two daughters, Hilda
and Emma; the former of whom is married, and the latter is open to an
offer. The funeral will take place to-morrow.--His disconsolate widow,
Veronique Illmaga. P. S. This bereavement will not interrupt our
employment which will be carried on as usual, only our place of
business will be removed from No. 3, Tessi de Teinturiers to No. 4,
Rue de Missionaire, as our grasping landlord has raised our rent.
Advertisements which now and again appear in the _Times_ from people who
seek employment or money are both curious and eccentric, and in none of
them do the writers suffer at all from bashfulness or modest ideas of
their own qualifications. In this, which is an appeal for a situation,
the constructor describes himself as
A CHARACTER.--The noblemen and gentlemen of England are respectfully
informed that the advertiser is a self-taught man--a “genius.” He has
travelled (chiefly on foot) through the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Ireland, in Holland, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium,
France, and Italy. He has conducted a popular periodical, written a
work of fiction in three vols., published a system of theology,
composed a drama, studied Hamlet, been a political lecturer, a
preacher, a village schoolmaster, a pawnbroker, a general shopkeeper;
has been acquainted with more than one founder of a sect, and is now
(he thanks Providence) in good health, spirits, and character, out of
debt, and living in charity with all mankind. During the remainder of
his life he thinks he would feel quite at home as secretary,
amanuensis, or companion to any nobleman or gentleman who will engage
a once erratic but now sedate being, whose chief delight consists in
seeing and making those around him cheerful and happy. Address A. Z.,
at Mr. ----’s, ---- Street, Regent’s Park.
As a rule, when people break out in this style they are much more in
want of the money than the work, although they cloak their actual
desires under the guise of applications for situations or employment.
There are not a few, however, who come boldly to the point, as the
following, also from the _Times_, shows:--
A MAN OF RANK, holding a distinguished public office, moving in the
highest society, and with brilliant prospects--has been suddenly
called upon to pay some thousands of pounds, owing to the default of a
friend for whom he had become guarantee. As his present means are
unable to meet this demand, and he can offer no adequate security for
a loan, the consequence must be ruin to himself and his family,
unless some individual of wealth and munificence will step forward to
avert this calamity, by applying £4000 to his rescue. For this he
frankly avows that he can, in present circumstances, offer no other
return than his gratitude. A personal interview, however painful, will
be readily granted, in the confidence that the generosity of his
benefactor will be the best guarantee for his delicate observance of
secrecy. He hopes his distressing condition will protect him from the
prying of heartless curiosity, and to prevent the approaches of
money-holders, he begs to repeat that he can give no security. Address
to “Anxious,” General Post Office, London.
For the benefit of those who are curious about men of rank, and in the
interests of those who may like to speculate as to who this holder of a
distinguished public office may have been, we will state that the
advertisement appeared just thirty years ago. There were then, and have
been since, many men in office who wanted four thousand pounds; in fact
it would be a hard matter to find a man anywhere to whom that
amount--or, for the matter of that, a good bit less--would not be
agreeable. That these advertisements were not altogether fruitless,
this, from the _Times_ of February 1851, would seem to show:--
TRURO.--The generous friend who transmitted from this place under
cover to the Secretary, G.P.O. an ENVELOPE containing a SUM of MONEY
is gratefully informed that the individual for whom it was intended
was relieved by it to an extent of which he can form no conception,
and is earnestly entreated COMMUNICATE, if not his name, at least an
address to which a letter may be sent.
W. H.
Men reduced in circumstances seem to have less and less chance as the
world gets older. There would not be much good got out of an
advertisement for money nowadays, whatever the original position of
advertiser, unless he could promise something in return. His promise
might be quite impossible of performance, but still it would be
something; and if we are to judge by most of the swindling
advertisements which have succeeded in taking in thousands of people,
the more improbable the undertaking the more probable the success. Here
is another man of high rank, of later date, who only asks for
employment. A good pinch of salt must, we think, be taken with the
concluding sentence of the application:--
IT WOULD BE A NOBLE ACT OF HUMANITY if any generous and kind-hearted
individual would procure or grant EMPLOYMENT to a suffering
individual, in whose behalf this appeal is made. He is of high rank,
education, and manners, and in every point of view fit to fill any
situation. He is without influential friends, and from complicated
frauds and misfortunes, is unable to continue the education of eight
lovely children. He seeks nothing for himself, except to be so placed,
giving to the hands of his kind benefactor all he receives for his
children’s present and future support. This will save him from a
broken heart. Any situation that will enable him to effect this object
will be received with heartfelt gratitude, and filled with honour,
assiduity, and fidelity. Most respectable reference, &c. N.B. No
pecuniary assistance can be received. Address ----.
A man of “high rank, education, and manners,” without influential
friends, is certainly an anomaly in this country; and the “eight lovely
children” forcibly remind us of the large families which begging-letter
impostors and cadgers generally have constantly at home, hungering not
so much for education as for bread and meat. The mention of high birth
reminds us of the many advertisements which have in the course of years
appeared from people who, not satisfied with being rich, seek to be
fashionable, and who offer free quarters and other advantages to any one
possessed of the _entrée_ to Society, and yet not over-gifted with the
more solid blessings of this world. Of course these generally appear in
the most fashionable papers, and the specimen which follows is taken
from the _Morning Post_ of half-a-dozen years ago. With the exception
that it mentions foreign towns, it is almost identical with others which
have appeared in reference to our own most exclusive circles:--
SEASONS at SPA and BRUSSELS.--A Lady and Gentleman, well connected,
offer to RECEIVE as their GUEST, free of all expense, a lady or a
gentleman of family, who, in sole return for the freedom of home,
could give the entrée into Belgian society. Spa in the summer,
Brussels in the winter. A small establishment. A good cook. The
highest references.--Address P. R., Poste Restante, Brussels.
Such notices as this go far to prove the truth of the saying that there
are blessings beyond price, that is, of course, always supposing the
advertisements were unsuccessful. We shall never in future meet any loud
vulgar person in Society--provided we are ever admitted within the
sacred portal--without suspecting him of having crawled in by means of
bribery. Yet our suspicions may alight upon the very leaders of _ton_;
for, so far, the most vulgar men we ever met--among gentlemen--were a
horse-racing earl and a coach-driving viscount, and they could have been
backed against any four men in that army, the peculiarities of which,
while in the Low Countries, will be found recorded in “Tristram Shandy.”
Among other advertisements in the columns of the leading journal, worthy
of notice in this chapter, are those singular effusions which appear at
intervals, especially during any period of political effervescence, and
which consist of mad schemes, the offspring of enthusiastic patriots and
headlong regenerators of the nation. The following is a fair specimen of
these:--
TO THE MINISTERS OF STATE, NOBILITY, AND COMMUNITY AT LARGE.--A Remedy
for the distresses of England. Every considerate person admits the
present condition of society to be perfectly anomalous. A remedy has
at length been discovered--a remedy which would effectually arrest the
progress of pauperism, confer incalculable benefits upon the
industrial community, and diffuse joy and gladness throughout the
length and breadth of the land, making England (without exaggeration)
the envy of surrounding nations, and the admiration of the world. The
plan possesses the peculiar merit of being practicable, and easy of
application, without in the slightest degree infringing the rights of
property as by law established, or in any way disturbing the present
relations of society. The advertiser will communicate his discovery
either to the ministers of state, nobility, or those who may take an
interest in the wellbeing of society, on condition of his receiving
(if his plans are approved, and made available for the purposes
contemplated) £100,000. “If the nation be saved, it is not to be saved
by the ordinary operations of statesmanship.”--Lord Ashley. Address
----.
In this chapter, the mysterious “personal” advertisements which years
ago were so frequent and so extraordinary--but which now are rarely
noticeable except when devoted to the purposes of puffing tradesmen, or
when they are more than ordinarily stupid--must naturally receive
attention. Now and again a strange announcement attracts a little
curiosity in the present day; but for good specimens of the dark and
mysterious advertisement we must go back twenty years, and by so doing
we shall be enabled at the same time to give a very good reason why
people who correspond through the public papers in cipher or otherwise
are careful not to attract particular attention. This reason will
exhibit itself by means of two cryptographic specimens selected, which
appeared in the _Times_, and were the means of showing that writers of
secret signs and passwords must be clever indeed if they would evade the
lynx eyes of those who are ever ready for a little mild excitement, and
whose hobby it is to solve riddles and discover puzzles. Certainly there
must be more pleasure in finding out the meaning of a secret “personal”
than in answering the double acrostic charades with which the weekly
papers swarm, and which must occupy the attention of thousands, if the
quantities of correct and erroneous replies that are received at the
various offices may be accepted as evidence. In the early part of 1853 a
mad-looking advertisement appeared in the _Times_, which ran thus:--
CENERENTOLA.--N bnxm yt ywd nk dtz hfs wjfi ymnx fsi fr rtxy fscntzx
yt mjfw ymf esi bmjs dtz wjyzws, f imtb qtsldtz wjrfns, mjwj It bwnyf
f kjb qnsjx jfwqnsl uqjfxj: N mfaj gjjs ajwd kfw kwtr mfund xnshy dtz
bjsy fbfd.
Which being interpreted, reads: “Cenerentola, I wish to try if you can
read this, and am most anxious to hear the end, when you return, and how
long you remain here. Do write a few lines, darling, please. I have been
very far from happy since you went away.” This appeared in February 2,
and some difficulty appears to be in the way, for it is not till the
11th that we find another, which is evidently not in reply, and equally
evidently not satisfactory. It says:--
CENERENTOLA.--Zsynq rd mjfwy nx xnhp mfaj ywnji yt kwfrj fs
jcugfifynts kwt dtz gzy hfssty. Xnqjshj nx xfs jxy nk ymf ywzj hfzxj
nx sty xzx jhyji; nk ny nx fgg xytwnjx bngg gj xnkyji yt ymj gtyytr.
It dtz wjrjrgjw tzw htzxns’x knwxy uwtutxnynts: ymnsp tk ny.
As this system simply consisted in commencing the alphabet with the
letter _f_ and continuing in regular sequence, the explanation of the
last specimen is almost obvious; but so that there should be no
difficulty or doubt about it, and so that the intriguers should know
they were discovered, some literary lockpicker inserted on the 15th, in
the usual personal column of the _Times_, a full translation, correcting
all errors of the printer, and concluding with a notice in the secret
language, which must have frightened its originators. The explanatory
advertisement runs thus:--
CENERENTOLA, until my heart is sick have I tried to frame an
explanation for you, but cannot. Silence is safest, if the true cause
is not suspected: if it is all stories will be sifted to the bottom.
Do you remember our cousin’s first proposition? Think of it.--N pstb
Dtz.
The cryptogram at the end is a warning, for, subjected to the test, we
find it is neither more nor less than “I know you.” This seems to have
effectually silenced the originals; but the marplots were probably still
at work, for on the 19th of February another notification appears, this
time in plain English, and running thus:--
CENERENTOLA, what nonsense! Your cousin’s proposition is absurd. I
have given an explanation--the true one--which has perfectly satisfied
both parties--a thing which silence never could have effected. So no
more such absurdity.
How miserably small the inventor of this cipher must have felt, and how
ridiculous those most interested must have appeared to each other, we
leave to the imaginations of those readers who have suddenly been
stopped in any grand flight to find themselves as idiotic as they had
before considered themselves ingenious. Doubtless the Cenerentolans will
not want for sympathisers even amongst those who affect most to ridicule
them. Much about the same time as the instance we have given, and while
the rage for secret advertising was in its meridian, one of the most
remarkable samples of the kind appeared--remarkable as much for its want
of reason as for anything else. On February 20, 1852, we are told by the
_Quarterly_, there appeared in the _Times_ the following mysterious
lines:--
TIG tjohw it tig jfhiirvola og tig psgvw.
F. D. N.
This was a little above the ordinary hand, and many attempts at
deciphering it failed. At last the following explanation was published
in the _Quarterly_. If we take the first word of the sentence, Tig, and
place under its second letter, i, the one which alphabetically precedes
it, and treat the next letters in a similar manner, we shall have the
following combination:--
T i g
h f
e
Reading the first letters obliquely, we have the article “The;” if we
treat the second word in the same manner, the following will be the
result:--
T j o h w
i n g v
m f u
e t
s
which read in the same slanting way produces the word _Times_. So far
our authority is correct, and here we leave him. The following
participle and article are of course evident, and then comes the
principal word of the sentence, which the transcriber makes to be
Jefferies, which it is doubtless intended to be; but in his hurry the
inventor or solver has made a mistake, as is shown upon an attempt at
the same conclusion:--
J f h i i r v o l a
e g h h q u n k z
f g g p t m j y
f f o s l i x
e n r k h w
m q j g v
p i f u
h e t
d s
r
This gives the word as Jeffemphdr, an expression which, if it can be
expressed at all, is very dissimilar from that we expected, after being
told that the sentence read--
The Times is the Jefferies of the press.
We have taken this trouble and used this space in the endeavour to see
if the letters would make “Jefferies,” because we have always had a
suspicion that the first explainer was also the originator. The
advertisement, without being rendered into English, could not have
gratified the malice or satisfied the spite of its writer; and as, if
any one else had discovered the key and made the attempt, he would have
remarked the error, it is but fair to assume that “F. D. N.,” whoever
else he may have been, was the individual whom a writer in the
_Quarterly Review_, a couple of years or so afterwards, described as the
friend who “was curious and intelligent enough to extract the plain
English out of it,” and whose design we commenced with. Was he an author
who had been slated in the _Times_? However, as the advertiser evidently
meant Jeffreys, however he may have fancied to spell it, the explanation
may be taken as all right.[35] This and the preceding advertisement
must have set people thinking that it was hardly safe to trust to
secrets in the papers, no matter how carefully disguised; but the
crowning blow to cryptographic communication was given by means of the
“Flo” intrigue, which created some little sensation, and was the cause
of a good deal of amusement at the close of the year 1853 and the
beginning of 1854. On November 29 of the first-named year the following
was first seen in the _Times_:--
FLO.--1821 82374 09 30 84541. 844532 18140650. 8 54584 2401 322650 526
08555 94400 021 12 30 84541 22 05114650. 726 85400 021.
It may be as well to premise that the idea of the “Flo” system was to
make an alphabet with the nine numerals and the cipher, and the
correspondents evidently prided themselves, poor innocents, on having
arranged the letters arbitrarily and not in regular order, and fixed the
tell-tale capital I when standing alone at 8:--
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
y u o i e a d k h f
s t n m r l q g w p
x c b
v
So the communication read: “Flo, thou voice of my heart! Berlin,
Thursday. I leave next Monday, and shall press you to my heart on
Saturday. God bless you.” How they communicated for the next month does
not appear, but judging by the quotation just given, it is to be
supposed personally, and that another separation occurred soon after,
for on December 21 there is this:--
FLO.--1821 82374 29 30 84541 8 53 02 522450. 8 3300 021 3244 1852
4844. 8 5227 51 0214 9371144 48440 23781. 8 0426 021 52 326352 08585
12 8459 42116 021 88354 505449 59144 632244. 31 8355 7449 021 8543 526
021 3101 95270 1851 31 5430 544 42126 021. 726 85400 021.
Which, errors included, reads: “Flo, thou voice of my heart, I am so
lonely. I miss you more than ever. I look at your picture every night. I
send you an Indian shawl to wrap rou_t_d you while asleep after dinner.
It will keep you warm, and you must fancy that m_t_ arms are round you.
God bless you.” Two days afterwards the next appears, though the
translation hardly gives a substantial reason for the repetition:--
FLO.--184 5501 850 84227 8 449451 31. 1821 82374 29 30 84541 8 53 02
522450. 8 3300 021 3244 1852 4844. 8 5227 51 0214 9371144 48140 23781.
8 0426 021 52 326352 08585 12 8459 42126 021 88354 505449 59144 63224
31 8355 7449 021 8543 526 021 3101 95270 1851 30 5430 544 42126 021.
726 85400 021. 828 8 62 5284 021.
This makes: “Flo, the last was wrong, I repeat it. Thou voice of my
heart, I am so lonely. I miss you more than ever. I look at your picture
ev_u_ry night. I send you an Indian shawl to wrap round you while asleep
after dinn_r_. It will keep you warm, and you must fancy my arms are
round you. God bless you. How I do love you!” It will be hard to
discover, if the last was wrong, how this can be right, as for each
error he corrects he makes another. Then we go on to the new year, and
on January 2 recommence with the following:--
FLO.--30 282 5284 853 85990 57532 31 30 5374 5857327 9423 5 856 64453.
021 544 30 5334 12 7228 1851 18444 305 785274 29 044327 021 12 8454
9423 021 12 62 183270 12 422178. 8 08555 140 526 044 021 0222 84314 12
34 50 29142 50 021 752 726 85400 021 1821 82174 29 30 84541.
Difficulties seem to have been removed by this time, for when the magic
of the key has been tried upon it the advertisement just quoted says
this: “Flo, my own love, I am happy again; it is like awakening from a
bad dream. You are, my li_m_e [? life], to know that there is a chance
of seeing you, to hear from you, to do things to enough [there is an
evident bungle here]. I shall try and see you soon. Write to me as often
as you can. God bless you, thou vo_u_ce of my heart!” The wise men who
had been content to understand this so far, now thought it time that
these turtle-doves should know they were not so wise as they supposed,
and that their cipher was being read regularly. So on January 6 the
_Times_ contained the following:--
FLO.--1821 82374 29 39 84541. 828 8 62 5284 021. 828 544 021 08555 021
84 5536 19 1830 094 327. 8 752 044 021 8557327 8318 0214 6545327 8851
8 82156 7384 12 84 8318 021. 185270 924 0314 5501 541144 8 9454
2218327 811 0495 451322 9423 021 021 544 30 82456 30 5394 30 8294.
1821 3244 1852 5394 95448455 726 85400 021.
And this when read must have caused some feeling of consternation, as it
was an evident burlesque of the real correspondent’s style: “Flo, thou
voice of my heart! How I do love you! How are you? Shall you be laid up
this spring? I can see you walking with your darling. What would I give
to be with you! Thanks for your last letter. I fear nothing but
separation from you. You are my world, my life, my hope. Thou more than
life, farewell! God bless you!” The natural effect of this was to cause
an alarm to be given, and so on the following day the following was
inserted in the famous private column:--
FLO.--8 9454 6454401 214 739 844 30 6307284446. 84314 51 2274 12 0214
943426 “326352 08585.” 9. 2. 8177327853. 81770.
Which drops the curtain upon “Flo” and her lover, who is more than
likely not to have been her husband--and this without affecting the
question as to her being married. It is translated in these words:
“Flo.--I fear, dearest, our cipher is discovered. Write at once to your
friend, “Indian Shawl,” P. O., Buckingham, Bucks.” So much for secret
correspondences, which are not often to be seen nowadays, though when
any one is found foolish enough to confide in the press under these
circumstances, the comic papers almost invariably make capital out of
the communications, and give to their less acute readers full
information. Here is one we fell across the other day in the
_Telegraph_. We must admit to a decided ignorance as to what it means,
but perhaps the reader, profiting by the foregoing, will be able to
decipher it:--
KANGAROO revived by bones, though nearly choked by a piece of one
after swallowing five hard biscuits. Troubled. Four cat two six camel
five two one eight pig one boar in every way. Four nine leopard one
four elephant three four seven boar. Faithful until death.
This looks like an attempt to set the cryptographists on a wrong scent,
and probably means nothing. If it really is a genuine communication, its
scope must be extremely limited. Many of the mysterious advertisements
which appear in the usual style are very noticeable, though of late the
art has fallen a prey to the vendors of quack medicines and cheap books,
and the managers of some theatres and music-halls. What has been
characterised, and with every probability of truth, as the most ghastly
advertisement that ever appeared in a public journal is the following,
which is taken from the _Times_ of the year 1845. It certainly is a most
frightful paragraph:--
TO THE PARTY WHO POSTS HIS LETTERS IN PRINCE’S STREET, LEICESTER
SQUARE.--Your family is now in a state of excitement unbearable. Your
attention is called to an advertisement in Wednesday’s Morning
Advertiser, headed “A body found drowned at Deptford.” After your
avowal to your friend as to what you might do, he has been to see the
decomposed remains, accompanied by others. The features are gone; but
there are marks on the arm; so that unless they hear from you to-day,
it will satisfy them that the remains are those of their misguided
relative, and steps will be directly taken to place them in the family
vault, as they cannot bear the idea of a pauper’s funeral.
The most horrible subject has, however, a ludicrous side, and the idea
of the decomposed remains objecting to parochial interference is as
dreadfully funny as the matter generally is dreadfully shocking. In
another notice, five years later, there is, as it were, a plaintive
moan, the cry of a weak and distressed woman, who has no “strong mind”
to enable her to bear up against infidelity and loss. Listen to it:--
THE one-winged Dove must die unless the Crane returns to be a shield
against her enemies.
Far different is the next, which is a couple of years later, and which
displays as much strength of purpose and self-dependence as its
forerunner betrays weakness:--
IT is enough; one man alone upon earth have I found noble. Away from
me for ever! Cold heart and mean spirit, you have lost what
millions--empires--could not have bought, but which a single word
truthfully and nobly spoken might have made your own to all eternity.
Yet are you forgiven: depart in peace: I rest in my Redeemer.
The reader can imagine the flashing eyes and indignant face of a proud
and wronged woman, as this is read; and it might well be taken as the
text for a whole volume of a modern novel. The next which we select is
still from the _Times_, and appeared several days in succession in
February 1853. It forms a good companion to that which precedes it:
TO M. L. L.--M. L. L., you have chosen your own lot: may it be a happy
one! and if it be so I would not have you think of the desolate heart
you leave behind; but oh! my child, if sorrow should ever overtake
you, if you should find, when too late, that you have been leaning on
a broken reed; then, my Maria, come back to her whose heart has ever
cherished you; she will always be ready to receive you.
Maybe M. L. L. has proved herself devoid of gratitude, and left a kind
home to follow the fortunes of some adventurer. But the good heart of
the advertiser does not turn sour, nor does she give vent to repining;
and so even in advertisements do we see the finest as well as the worst
sides of human nature. In the same paper that contained the address just
given we stumbled across one of the most laconic notices ever seen. It
says--
IF H. R. will Return, I will forgive him.
E. R.
This is evidently from a relenting parent, whose sternness has been
subdued by the continued absence of his prodigal. Most likely the latter
returned, and went away again as soon as “the guv’nor” showed signs of
resuming sway. And so on through one of those wretched dramas with which
all people must be acquainted, in which the principal characters are a
broken-hearted mother, a worn-out and prematurely old father, and an
utterly demoralised, drunken, and perhaps dishonest son, who is most
likely a brutal husband as well. Of quite another kind is this, which is
also from the _Times_:--
TO EQUATOR.--Fortuna audaces juvat. Vincit omnia veritas.--E. W.
As we have before remarked, the newspapers of to-day give us no such
specimens of secret and mysterious advertising as those we have
unearthed, although the opportunities are far more numerous than--and we
presume the occasions quite as frequent as--they were twenty years ago,
for every daily paper, and a good many of the weeklies, now keep special
columns for the display of private announcements. Quite unique, however,
in its way is one which appeared in _Lloyd’s_ half-a-dozen years ago. It
says that
=HARRIET AND HARRY COMPTON=
ARE well.--124, Stamford-street, Lambeth.
The ignorance may be crass, but we are bound to confess that even now we
are not aware of the claims upon publicity of Mr and Mrs Compton. The
information is given in style worthy of a royal bulletin, and doubtless
it much interested all whom it may have concerned. A very faint attempt
at cryptography is made in an advertisement which appeared comparatively
recently in one of the penny papers, the writer of which must have had
great faith in the dulness of the British public if he thought that
backward writing would not be at once detected. This is it:--
LUCKY 6d. and 4d.!!--Came back by train a few minutes after meeting
you that forenoon, the only real reason for my coming. Always the same
feeling for you as expressed. Od etirw ecno ot pihs ot yas uoy evah
nees siht. Quite efas Rolias. Will sometimes advertise.
The next is a specimen of the present day, and is from the _Times_. Want
of logical consequence is its chief characteristic:--
CANNOT mistake the decision of continued exceeding courtesy. Awaited,
but could not identify. Forgive, dear, if I have been too
superstitious. ’Tis the first fault, though twice repeated, and you
still hold the lash.
Readers may possibly remember two rather singular advertisements which
appeared in the _Telegraph_ quite recently, and were full of gratitude
to the firm which had unwittingly led to a pleasant if questionable
acquaintance between two persons. After this luncheon-baskets will
probably be carried by all gentlemen anxious for adventure--that is,
when they travel on lines the authorities of which graciously permit
their caterers to supply them. Here is the first:--
THE lady who travelled from Bedford to London by Midland train on the
night of the 4th inst., can now MEET the GENTLEMAN who shared with her
the contents of his railway luncheon basket. She enjoys the
recollection of that pleasant meal, and would like to know if he is
going on another journey. Will keep any appointment made at the
Criterion in Piccadilly.--Answer to A.
The application seems to have had the desired effect, for a day or two
afterwards this was published:--
A. will meet you at the Criterion, on Wednesday, at three. Am going on
another journey shortly, and will provide luncheon-basket.--F. M.
Any one who has travelled a distance by Midland or any other of the
lines supplied with refreshments by Spiers & Pond, must have noted what
a great boon to the traveller is the well-stocked basket, which can be
taken in full at one station and delivered out wholly or partially
empty, according as appetite serves, at another. Yet the luncheon-basket
is a very small item in the revolutionisers’ total. Those who have
suffered under the old system of railway refreshments, will admit that
Spiers & Pond fully deserve whatever credit has been given them for
their efforts in the public interest. Ten years ago no man in his senses
would have dreamt of applying for food or drink at a railway buffet
while he could go elsewhere; now Spiers & Pond daily serve thousands who
desert the old familiar taverns and crowd the bars at the various City
stations. Among the many great feats in the way of providing for the
hungry and the thirsty performed by this firm is one which has claims
for particular notice, as it is told in an official report of a
Wimbledon meeting. For the camping-time the following is the record: Of
bread there were eaten 25,000 lbs.; of butter 3 tons; of cheese 1 ton;
of bacon 11 cwt.; of hams 3 tons; of eggs 23,350; of rolls 52,677; of
flour 36 sacks; of tea 1967 lbs.; and of coffee 2240 lbs.; 15 tons
weight of meat were eaten, and 1446 fowls, with 626 ducklings, and 304
goslings. In the way of fish, the consumption of salmon reached 6200
lbs., with 1667 soles, 400 turbot, 80 brill, and 2330 lobsters.
Vegetables were devoured to the amount of 12 tons, to which must be
added 40,000 lettuces and 500 quarts of shelled peas. In fancy pastry
5000 pieces were made, with 1120 lbs. of biscuits, and 2460 quarts of
cream and water ice. Add to these 720 baskets of strawberries, 75 lbs.
of grapes, 400 pine-apples, 287 tongues, 10,800 bottles of aerated
waters, 896 plus 522 gallons of wine, 130 dozen and 312 gallons of
spirits, 348 hogsheads of beer, 275 lbs. of tobacco, 300 boxes of
cigars, 67 gallons of salad oil, 1½ hogshead of vinegar, 150 lbs. of
mustard, 6000 gallons of claret cup, 13 cases of lemons, 84 tons of ice
brought direct from the ship’s side from Norway, 33 gallons of various
sauces, 120 gallons of pickles, 25,000 sandwiches, 24 tons of sugar, 30
cwt. of currants, and 25,000 lbs. of “Volunteer” plumcake. In addition
to these, large quantities of wines, spirits, &c., were supplied to
sutlers, messmen, and volunteers. On subsequent occasions, when, for
reasons best known to themselves, the Rifle Association has provided its
own commissariat, it has been discovered that the efforts of Spiers &
Pond were by no means overpraised at the time, and that the laudatory
notices received by the men who came from Australia to teach the mother
country a profitable lesson were well deserved. Spiers & Pond have, it
is true, met ample recognition from the press; yet now and again those
gentlemen who consider it the whole duty of a journalist to sneer at
everybody and everything have had their usual fling, and have written
about pretentious eating-house keepers, forgetful of the fact that a
dozen years or so ago they were crying their eyes out because the weary
traveller in Great Britain could nowhere find the accommodation he was
so anxious to pay for. We have been careful not to stray into the
opposite extreme, though a long course of railway journeying under the
old _régime_ of mouldy pork-pies and stale Banbury cakes has made us
feel very well disposed to a firm whose name has already passed into a
proverb.
Some little interest was exhibited in the annexed, which appeared in the
_Times_ a few weeks back, and, according to the side espoused, looks
like just indignation or brutal intolerance:--
SHOULD this meet the eye of the lady who got into the 12.30 train at
New Cross Station on Friday, May 15, with two boys, one of whom was
evidently just recovering from an illness, she may be pleased to
learn that three of the four young ladies who were in the carriage are
very ill with the measles, and the health of the fourth is far from
what her relations could desire.
It has been quite the fashion to say how wrong it was of the lady with
the sick boys to get into a train and spread infection; and nobody seems
to have thought that the poor lads wanted change of air--had perhaps
been ordered it. As no special provision is made for the travelling
sick--or for the matter of that, for the travelling healthy--the fault,
if fault there be, lies not with the mother, who was anxious for the
recovery of her children, but with the railway authorities. Judging from
the tone of the advertisement, we should think that the advertiser would
have resented any interference had his or her young ladies been
travelling as invalids, instead of being in that state of health which
is most subject to the attacks of disease. The case is hard, argued from
either side, but it seems very unfair to cast the blame all one way.
The last example we shall give of this kind of advertising shows that
extended space is used for “personals,” without any extension of
interest, the following being but a mild kind of raving on the part of a
weak-minded man after an obstinate woman. It appeared early during the
present year (1874) in the _Telegraph_:--
MARY ANN C.--Do return home. You labour under an illusion. What you
wish to accuse me with does not exist. This I solemnly declare. I have
at last a good position, but am so wretched that I cannot attend to my
duties properly. Many happier returns of the 1st. God’s blessing be
with thee, and that He may tend thy heart to believe me in truth. Put
six years of love and happiness against your accusation, and you must
feel that you are wrong. Oh, you are very, very wrong. Do write and
give me an appointment, so that happiness may be re-established. You
must be very unhappy, but for God’s sake do not be so strong-minded.
My love and devotion are unaltered. For your own peace, my sweet,
pretty, good wife, come back. When death parts it is sad enough, but
to part while living, and without true cause, creates and leaves
wretchedness to both. Come back to your unhappy but true-loving
husband.
These last extracts are quite sufficient to show the style which now
obtains in this class of advertisements, and to prove that what a score
of years ago promised to be a never-ending source of amusement has
become sadly deficient of its original properties.
Familiar to many people, among curious announcements, will be the
following, which is one of many similar that have from time to time
appeared in the leading journal:--
THE CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER acknowledges the receipt of the first
halves of two £10 notes, conscience-money, for unpaid Income-Tax.
The man who sends conscience-money for income-tax must have been
virtuous indeed, if the evasion of that impost has been through life his
worst sin. There are many otherwise estimable persons whose greatest
pride it is that they have never paid income-tax unless compelled. Yet
these men have in ordinary matters the greatest abhorrence of anything
mean or paltry, and their general conduct might be safely contrasted
with that of the bestowers of conscience-money. So, after all, there is
something more than a joke in the humourist’s idea of a grand new
patriotic song called “Never pay your taxes till you’re summoned, my
boys!”
Those who wear artificial teeth must have been now and again
indescribably shocked by advertisements like the following, which,
scarce a short time back, are getting more and more frequent, so that
what at first appeared a revolting riddle to the many, may have now
developed into a lucrative pursuit for the few. Is it right to suppose
that new sets of teeth are made up from second-hand materials? If so,
how horrible!
WANTED to PURCHASE some OLD ARTIFICIAL TEETH. Persons having the above
to sell can apply, with the teeth, or, if forwarded by post their
value will be sent per return.--Mr ----.
Theatrical advertisements are, as has been remarked, often very funny,
and whether from ignorance on the part of the writers, or the
prevalence of technology, the columns of the _Era_ absolutely teem with
startling notices, which when coupled with the really remarkable as well
as “original” correspondence, and the provincial critiques, make the
chief theatrical organ one of the most genuine among comic papers, and
this is none the less so because the _Era’s_ comicality is
unintentional. A fair specimen of the general style is given in an
advertisement appearing in March 1874, and if our reproducing it will be
of any use to Messrs Gonza & Volta, they are quite welcome. In fact it
would be sad to think that such an effort should go unrewarded:--
Nil Admirari.
GONZA and VOLTA!!!
GONZA and VOLTA!!!
GONZA and VOLTA!!!
The Modern Hercules and Achilles. The Goliathan Gymnasts. The
Champions of Olympia Resuscitated. The greatest Athletes since the
Christian Era.
M. DE GONZA, the famous Mexican Athlete of the Golden Wing and Olympic
Club; also of Crystal Palace, Cirques Napoleon and de l’Imperatrice
celebrity, and late Proprietor of Gonza’s Transatlantic Combination
Company, has much pleasure in announcing that the Colossal Sensation
he is about submitting to the World’s criticism is in course of
progression, and that he has secured the services of EDOUIN VOLTA, the
grandest Aerial Bar Performer of the period, who will have the honour
of making his First Appearance in England in conjunction with M. DE
GONZA’S New Aerial Athletic Performance. M. DE GONZA, without desiring
to eulogise, prognosticates that his coming achievement will introduce
an astonishing epoch in gymnastics. In ancient days mythological
conceptions were framed by senile philosophers for the wonder and
delectation of the inhabitants of the world B.C., more particularly
during the existence of Rome under the Empire, when the stupendous
Colosseum lived in its glory, and where myriads witnessed the famous
gladiatorial combats. In those mighty days of heroism, when the great
pan-Hellenic festivals were held, every fourth year in Olympia,
instituted by Iphitus, King of Elis, the ninth century B.C., when
Athletic revels and Icarian games were as prevalent as cigar smoking
in this generation, people were more prone to countenance the possible
existence and marvellous exploits of the gods and goddesses.
Evanescent ages have flown by, and in the sentiments of millions there
now subsists a certain amount of familiarity with the intrepid and
valiant deeds of those illustrious mythological gods Hercules and
Achilles. They have been quoted and spoken of so often that their
fictitiousness is forgotten. They have ingratiated their fabulous
selves into the good graces of mankind, and become entwined around
their minds like the ivy around the gnarled and knotted oak; and,
although centuries have passed away, this nurtured concatenation of
deep-rooted imaginations have not proven altogether futile, for these
legendary and dauntless heroes actually do exist in the persons of
GONZA and VOLTA,
The Cyclopean Athletes of the Age.
Anchorites, ascetics, persons of secluded and fastidious natures,
stoics, and misanthropists, all will be metamorphosed into congenial
spirits, and be reconciled to the world and its pleasures after
witnessing these gigantillos and wonders of creation in the most
surprising and surpassingly elegant gymnastic exhibition hitherto
placed before an appreciative nation, the production of which due
notice will be given. Meanwhile all communications are to be addressed
to M. DE GONZA, ----.
Turning from such extremely professional exponents of art and
literature, we are reminded of one who stands in quite an opposite
position to that of the Cyclopean athletes, Dr Vellère, the champion and
foremost representative of the “unacted and unread,” of the theorists
who would regenerate the drama with their own works, and, if they could
only once be performed, would mark an epoch in the history of the stage.
Doubtless they would. About five years ago the enthusiastic Doctor--who,
being a foreigner, has a perfect right to regenerate the British drama,
as well as the British Constitution--burst forth in the _Times_, and at
once placed himself at the head of that glorious minority which, owing
to the iniquitous “ring” formed by a clique of authors, managers, and
critics, cannot get its plays, marvellously good as they are, produced;
and thus not only they, but the great British public are sufferers under
a system which Vellère & Co. will yet expose or perish in the attempt.
The first advertisement of the regenerator appeared on October 2, 1869.
It ran thus:--
TO the PATRONS of the LEGITIMATE DRAMA and to the
PLAY-GOING PUBLIC in GENERAL.
Ladies and Gentlemen,--As a general outcry arose some considerable
time ago that there was a great dearth of good, original English
dramas, and as the recent so-called original productions of English
dramatists have failed to stifle it--because they have either traduced
English society or have been simply adaptations from the French
respecting a state of society which cannot exist here, and in both
cases have proved unpalatable to the English, and, therefore,
unsuccessful--I, who am a writer in more than one language, resolved
to produce a drama on purely English topics, and I was guided by the
dictum of your immortal poet, Byron, that “Truth is stranger than
fiction,” because all fictitious situations prove less “sensational”
(pardon me the vernacular), as produced by those dramatists, with all
the powerful accessories and machinery of the stage, than the simplest
police report from the daily papers. It took me more than a year of my
half-holidays to write the drama “Stern Realities,” and in about five
months I wrote the play “Trust.” Now, I have been trying for the last
eighteen months to have one of these pieces accepted, but all my
endeavours have been in vain. The excuse was, that I am not known (a
circumstance which, by-the-by, happened once to Shakespeare also), and
that it is far preferable to produce the works of authors already
known to the public, even if their more recent efforts have proved a
failure in more than one respect. It is now for the public of this
great country to decide whether this arrangement between Managers of
Theatres and a certain small clique of authors is a monopoly that is
to go on for ever; or whether it is only a false and preconceived
notion on the part of the former regarding the want of good taste for
superior productions on the part of the public. Though I am a
foreigner I consider myself as one of the public who has endeavoured
to amuse his fellow-citizens, but to whom no opportunity has hitherto
been afforded. However, as the author of a collection of songs, of
which some are written in English, French, and German, or English and
German, or simply in English poetry, and which volume is entitled
“Honi soit qui mal y pense,” and was collectively dedicated to the
Queen, and accepted by her Majesty, containing dedications also, by
special commission, to ladies of the highest titles, and to others
equally exalted in attainments, I beg you to believe me, when I assure
you, on the word of a gentleman, author, and schoolmaster, that the
two pieces I have written will meet with your approbation. I appeal
now to you, ladies and gentlemen, to assist me in bringing out one of
the two pieces; and, in my humble opinion, the most effectual way,
perhaps, in which this could be done, would be in addressing me a
note, kindly informing me which of the two pieces, “Stern Realities”
or “Trust,” should in your opinion be performed first, and that you
promise you will come to see either or both. Receiving thus from you a
great quantity of letters, I shall, armed with such a phalanx of
patronage, present myself as the bearer of the popular will to the
Manager of one of the London Theatres, and--we shall see! A letter
simply addressed thus, “Dr. Vellère, Harrow,” will safely reach me.
Trusting to hear from you at your earliest convenience, I remain,
ladies and gentlemen, very faithfully yours,
E. R. W. VELLERE.
The English and Continental College,
Harrow, October 1st, 1869.
Before the attention directed to this novelty in literature had died
away, another similar effusion appeared, and for about a twelvemonth the
_Times_ contained every three or four weeks a message of direful import
from Dr Vellère on dramatic monopoly and its probable ultimate effect on
dramatic literature and the stage generally, varied by requests similar
to those given here. Iniquity was still triumphant, however, and the
patrons of the legitimate must have been unwilling to interfere, for at
the end of the year Dr Vellère was yet unacted. He is still busy writing
plays, for he believes that success must come in the end; and if his
literary ability be in any way proportioned to his pertinacity, the
chief of the Elizabethan roll of dramatists has at last met a worthy
rival. Happily there is a way out of the difficulty with which Dr
Vellère and his friends are encompassed. Let them take a theatre, engage
actors, and play each other’s dramas in turn. If they can only agree as
to the order of production, and the relative merits of the pieces, they
are sure to succeed; for if our experience goes for anything, the
unacted and unread are sufficiently numerous to support any house of
moderate pretensions. But they mustn’t all want to be put on the free
list. That great distinction must be left for Dr Vellère and a chosen
few--composed, say, of friendly critics, and managers distraught with
the knowledge that priceless gems have been discarded, and that the new
era has at last arrived.
[34] The letter written by the sailor with the artificial hands to the
printer of the _Caledonian Mercury_.
[35] Our information of this advertisement, and the clue to its
explanation, was, as already stated, obtained from an article in the
_Quarterly Review_. On reference to the _Times_ to discover whether
the Jefferies portion was right or not, we could not for a long time
find the particular notice we were in search of. At last, after the
above was written, under date February 10, it was found; and then we
saw that the word was “Jfhiiwola,” which subjected to the process as
above, will give the required name. We have preferred to explain this
in full, as the _Quarterly_ is undoubtedly entitled to the merit of
deciphering the puzzle, if not to anything else; and any alteration or
correction of ours would have detracted from such merit, which is
original, and without which the quaint libel might still have remained
in obscurity. Besides, it shows how a small printer’s error may spoil
the calculations of a week, in matters like this.