SCRUPLES--HEAVENLY FAVORS--JOURNEY TO BARCELONA
At last his confessor, without any suggestion on the part of the
penitent, commanded him to confess nothing of his past life, except
what was very clear and evident. But as he regarded everything of the
past as evident, the confessor's order did not help him at all. He was
in constant anxiety. At that time he lived in the Dominican monastery,
in a little cell which the Fathers had allotted to him. He kept up his
usual custom of praying on bended knees for seven hours a day, and
scourged himself three times a day and during the night. But all this
did not remove his scruples, which had been tormenting him for
months. One day, when terribly tormented, he began to pray. During his
prayer, he cried out to God in a loud voice: "O Lord, help me, for I
find no remedy among men, nor in any creature! If I thought I could
find one, no labor would seem too great to me. Show me some one! O
Lord! where may I find one? I am willing to do anything to find
relief."
While tortured by these thoughts, several times he was violently
tempted to cast himself out of the large window of his cell. This
window was quite near the place where he was praying. But since he
knew that it would be a sin to take his own life, he began to pray, "O
Lord, I will not do anything to offend Thee." He repeated these words
frequently with his former prayer, when there came to his mind the
story of a certain holy man, who, to obtain of God some favor which
he ardently desired, spent many days without food, until he obtained
the favor he asked. He determined to do the same. He resolved in his
heart neither to eat nor drink until God should look upon him in
mercy, or until he should find himself at the point of death; then
only should he eat.
This resolution was taken on a Sunday after communion, and for a whole
week he neither ate nor drank anything; in the meantime he practised
his usual penances, recited the Divine Office, prayed on bended knees
at the appointed times, and rose at midnight. On the following Sunday,
when about to make his usual confession, as he had been in the habit
of making known to his confessor everything he had done, even the
smallest detail, he told him that he had not eaten anything during the
past week. Hereupon his confessor bade him break his fast. Although
he felt that he still had sufficient strength to continue without
food, nevertheless he obeyed his confessor, and on that day and the
next he was free from scruples. On the third day, however, which was
Tuesday, while standing in prayer, the remembrance of his sins came
back to him. One suggested another, until he passed in review, one
after another, all his past sins. He then thought he ought to repeat
his general confession. After these thoughts a sort of disgust seized
him, so that he felt an inclination to give up the life he was
leading. While in this state, God was pleased to arouse him as it were
from sleep, and to relieve him of his trouble. As he had acquired some
experience in the discernment of spirits, he profited by the lessons
he had learned of God, and began to examine how that spirit had
entered into possession of his soul; then he resolved never again to
speak of his past sins in confession. From that day he was free from
scruples, and felt certain that it was the will of our merciful Lord
to deliver him from his trouble of soul.
Besides the seven hours devoted to prayer, he spent a portion of his
time in assisting souls who came to him for advice. During the rest of
the day he gave his thoughts to God, pondering on what he had read or
meditated that day. When he retired, it often happened that wonderful
illuminations and great spiritual consolations came to him, so that he
abridged the short time he had already allotted to sleep. Once while
thinking over this matter he concluded that he had given sufficient
time for conversation with God, and that moreover the whole day was
also given to Him. Then he began to doubt whether these illuminations
were from the Good Spirit. Finally he came to the conclusion that it
would be better to give up a portion and to give sufficient time to
sleep. This he did.
While he persevered in his resolution to abstain from meat, it
happened on a certain morning after rising, that a dish of cooked meat
seemed to be set before him. He appeared to see it with his eyes,
although he had felt no previous craving for it. At the same time he
afterward experienced within himself a certain movement of the will,
urging him to eat meat. Although the remembrance of his former
resolution came to mind, he had no doubt about determining to eat
meat. When he made this known to his confessor, the latter advised him
to consider whether it was a temptation or not. Pondering over it, he
felt certain that he was right. At that period God dealt with him as a
teacher instructing a pupil. Was this on account of his ignorance or
dulness, or because he had no one else to teach him? Or on account of
the fixed resolve he had of serving God, with which God Himself had
inspired him, for the light given him could not possibly be greater?
He was firmly convinced, both then and afterward, that God had treated
him thus because it was the better spiritual training for him. The
five following points will prove what he says:--
In the first place, he had a great devotion to the Blessed Trinity.
Every day he prayed to each of the three Persons and to the whole
Trinity. While thus praying to the Blessed Trinity, the thought came
of how to offer fourfold prayers to the Divinity. This thought,
however, caused him little or no trouble. Once, while reciting on the
steps of the monastery the little hours in honor of the Blessed
Virgin, his vision carried him beyond the earth. He seemed to behold
the Blessed Trinity in the form of a lyre or harp; this vision
affected him so much that he could not refrain from tears and sighs.
On the same day he accompanied the procession from the church, but
even up to the time of dinner he could not withhold his tears, and
after dinner his joy and consolation were so great that he could speak
of no subject except the Blessed Trinity. In these conversations he
made use of many different comparisons to illustrate his thoughts.
Such an impression was made on him on that occasion that during his
after life, whenever he prayed to the Blessed Trinity, he experienced
great devotion.
At another time, to his great joy, God permitted him to understand how
He had created this world. This vision presented to him a white
object, with rays emanating from it. From this object God sent forth
light. However, he could not clearly explain this vision, nor could he
recall the illuminations given to him by God on that occasion. During
his stay of about a year at Manresa, after he had begun to receive
from God consolations, and fruitful lights for the direction of
others, he gave up his former rigorous penances. At that time he
trimmed his nails and hair. During the time of his residence at
Manresa, while assisting at Mass, he had another vision in the church
of the monastery. At the elevation of the body of Christ Our Lord he
beheld, with the eyes of his soul, white rays descending from above.
Although he cannot, after so long an interval, explain the details of
this vision, still the manner in which Our Lord Jesus Christ is
present in the Blessed Sacrament was clearly and vividly stamped upon
his mind. Often in prayer, and even during a long space of time, did
he see the humanity of Christ with the eyes of the soul. The form
under which this vision appeared was that of a white body, neither
large nor small; besides, there seemed to be no distinction of members
in His body. This vision appeared to him often at Manresa, perhaps
twenty or even forty times, once at Jerusalem, and once when he was at
Padua. He saw the Blessed Virgin under the same form, without any
distinction of members. These visions gave him such strength that he
often thought within himself, that even though Scripture did not bear
witness to these mysteries of faith, still, from what he had seen, it
would be his duty to lay down his life for them.
One day he went to the Church of St. Paul, situated about a mile from
Manresa. Near the road is a stream, on the bank of which he sat, and
gazed at the deep waters flowing by. While seated there, the eyes of
his soul were opened. He did not have any special vision, but his mind
was enlightened on many subjects, spiritual and intellectual. So clear
was this knowledge that from that day everything appeared to him in a
new light. Such was the abundance of this light in his mind that all
the divine helps received, and all the knowledge acquired up to his
sixty-second year, were not equal to it.
From that day he seemed to be quite another man, and possessed of a
new intellect. This illumination lasted a long time. While kneeling in
thanksgiving for this grace, there appeared to him that object which
he had often seen before, but had never understood. It seemed to be
something most beautiful, and, as it were, gleaming with many eyes.
This is how it always appeared. There was a cross near which he was
praying, and he noticed that near the cross the vision had lost some
of its former beautiful color. He understood from this that the
apparition was the work of the devil, and whenever the vision appeared
to him after that, as it did several times, he dispelled it with his
staff.
During a violent fever at Manresa, he thought he was near his death.
The thought then came to his mind that he was already justified before
God. Calling to mind his sins, he tried to combat the thought, but
could not overcome it, and this struggle to overcome the temptation
caused him much more suffering than the fever itself. After the fever
had somewhat abated, and he was out of danger, he cried out to some
noble ladies who had come to visit him, and asked them for the love of
God, to cry out aloud the next time they should find him near death,
"O sinner!" and "Remember the sins by which you have offended God."
On another occasion, while sailing from Valencia to Italy, in the
midst of a violent storm, the rudder was broken, and he and every one
on board were convinced that the ship must founder unless help came
from above. Then, as he examined his conscience and prepared for
death, he had no dread on account of past sins, nor fear of eternal
punishment, but he experienced intense shame and sorrow at the thought
of not having made a good use of the favors and graces which God had
bestowed upon him. Again, in the year 1550, he was dangerously ill,
and in his own judgment and that of others he was about to die. This
time, however, whenever he thought of death, such consolation poured
into his soul that he wept tears of joy. He continued in this state
so long that he often had to divert his mind from the thought of
death, lest he should find in the thought too much consolation.
In the beginning of another winter he became very ill, and was placed
under the care of the father of a man named Ferrera, who afterward
entered the service of Balthasar Faria. Here he was very carefully
attended. Several ladies of the highest rank were very devoted to him,
and came every night to watch beside him. When he began to recover, he
was still extremely weak, and suffered from severe pains in the
stomach. These two causes, together with the intense cold and the
entreaties of his attendants, induced him to wear shoes, warmer
clothing, and a cap. He was obliged to accept two small coats of
coarse grayish stuff, and a small cap of the same color. During that
illness his constant wish was to speak of spiritual things, and to
find some one who could talk upon such subjects. Meanwhile the time
which he had determined upon for his journey to Jerusalem was
approaching.
In the beginning of the year 1523, therefore, he set out for
Barcelona. Many offered to accompany him, but he refused, as he wished
to go alone. He expected to derive great advantage from placing his
whole trust in God alone. Several were very earnest, and insisted that
as he knew neither Latin nor Italian, he should not go alone, but
should take with him a certain companion whom they praised very much.
Ignatius replied that even were he the son or brother of the Duke of
Cordova, he would not take him as a companion, as he wished only three
virtues,--Faith, Hope, and Charity. If he took a companion, when
hungry he would look to his companion for food; if exhausted, he
would call on his companion for help; and so he would confide in his
companion, and have some affection for him: whereas he wished to place
all this confidence, hope, and affection in God alone. These words
were not a mere expression of the lips, but they were the true
sentiments of his heart. For these reasons he wished to embark not
only alone, but even without any provision for the voyage. When he
arranged about his passage, the captain agreed to take him free, as he
had no money; but on condition that he should take with him as much
sailors' bread as would suffice for his sustenance. Were it not for
this condition imposed by the captain, Ignatius would have refused to
take with him any provision at all.
When he thought of procuring bread, he was much troubled with
scruples. "Is this your hope and faith in God, who, you were sure,
would not fail you?" The force and violence of the temptation were
such that he was greatly distressed. Good reasons on both sides
presented themselves. Finally, in his perplexity, he determined to
leave the matter to his confessor. He told him first of his great
desire to go to Jerusalem, and to do everything for the greater glory
of God. Then he gave the reasons for not taking provisions for the
voyage. His confessor decided that he ought to beg what was necessary
and take it with him. He went to a lady of rank to ask for what he
needed. When she asked where he was going, he hesitated a little about
telling his final destination, and replied that he was going to Italy
and Rome. She was somewhat astonished at this, and replied: "To Rome?
Why, as to those who go there--well, I do not like to say what they
are when they return." She meant by this that as most of those who
went to Rome did not go through motives of piety and devotion, when
they returned they were not much better. The reason of his not openly
declaring that he intended to go to the holy city of Jerusalem was his
dread of yielding to vain glory. In fact, he was so much troubled by
this fear that he was afraid to make known even the place of his birth
or the name of his family. When he had secured the bread, before going
on board he took care to leave behind him, on a bench on the wharf,
five or six Spanish coins, which had been given to him as alms.
[Illustration: OUR LADY OF THE WAYSIDE. Favorite Picture of St.
Ignatius.]
He was obliged to remain at Barcelona more than twenty days before the
ship was ready to sail. During that time, in accordance with his
custom, in order to speak with spiritual men about his soul, he sought
them out even though dwelling in hermitages at a long distance from
the city. But neither then, nor during the whole time of his stay
at Manresa, could he find any one who could help him to advance as he
wished. He met one woman, however, who seemed to be thoroughly
acquainted with the spiritual life. She promised to pray to Jesus
Christ and to ask Him to appear to Ignatius in person. In consequence
of this promise, after leaving Barcelona, he gave up all anxiety about
finding souls advanced in the spiritual life.