IGNATIUS LEAVES HIS NATIVE LAND--WHAT HE DID AT MONTSERRAT AND AT
MANRESA
Ignatius, starting from his father's house, set out upon his journey
on horseback. About this time he began his habit of taking the
discipline every night. His brother desired to accompany him as far as
Ogna, and during the journey was persuaded by the Saint to pass one
night of watching at the shrine of Our Blessed Lady at Aruncuz. Having
prayed some time at the shrine for new strength for his journey,
leaving his brother at Ogna at the house of their sister, to whom he
paid a short visit, he journeyed on to Navarre. Remembering that an
official in the Duke's palace owed him some money, he collected it by
sending in a written account to the treasurer, and distributed it
among persons to whom he felt indebted. A portion of the money he
devoted to the restoration of a picture of the Blessed Virgin. Then
dismissing his two remaining servants, he rode forth alone from
Navarre in the direction of Montserrat, a mountain town of Catalonia
in the northern part of Spain.
It will not be amiss to recall an event that occurred during this
journey, to show the manner in which God directed him. Although filled
with an ardent desire of serving God, yet his knowledge of spiritual
things was still very obscure. He had undertaken to perform
extraordinary penances, not so much with a view to satisfy for his
sins as with the intention of doing something pleasing to his Lord. He
declared indeed that though filled with the liveliest abhorrence of
his past sins, he could not assure himself that they were forgiven;
yet in his austerities so intense was his desire to do great things
for Christ that he did not think of his sins. When he recalled the
penances practised by holy persons, his whole mind was bent on doing
something to equal and even surpass them. In this holy ambition he
found his consolation, for he had no interior motive for his penances,
knowing as yet very little about humility or charity or patience, for
to obtain these many holy men have led austere lives. He knew still
less the value of discretion, which regulates the practice of these
virtues. To do something great for the glory of his God, to emulate
saintly men in all that they had done before him--this was the only
object of Ignatius in his practices of external mortification.
While he journeyed on, a Saracen mounted on a horse came up with him.
In the course of the conversation mention was made of the Blessed
Virgin. The stranger remarked that though he admitted that the Mother
of Christ had conceived without detriment to her virginal purity, yet
he could not believe that after the conception of her divine Son she
was still a virgin. He was so obstinate in holding this opinion, that
no amount of reasoning on the part of Ignatius could force him to
abandon it. Shortly afterward the Saracen rode on, leaving the pilgrim
to his own reflections. These were not of the most peaceful nature. He
was sorely troubled as he thought over the conduct of his recent
fellow-traveler, and felt that he had but poorly acquitted himself of
his duty of honoring the Mother of God. The longer his mind thought
upon the matter, the more his soul was filled with indignation against
himself for having allowed the Saracen to speak as he had done of the
Blessed Virgin, and for the lack of courage he fancied he had shown in
not at once resenting the insult. He consequently felt impelled by a
strong impulse to hasten after him and slay the miscreant for the
insulting language he had used. After much internal conflict with
these thoughts, he still remained in doubt, nor could he decide what
course to follow. The Saracen, who had ridden on, had mentioned to him
that it was his intention to proceed to a town not far distant from
the highroad. At length, Ignatius, wearied by his inward struggle and
not arriving at any determination, decided to settle all his doubts in
the following novel way: he would give free rein to his horse, and if,
on coming to the cross-road, his horse should turn into the path that
led to the destination of the Moor, he would pursue him and kill him;
but if his horse kept to the highroad he would allow the wretch to
escape. Having done as he had decided, it happened through the
Providence of God that his horse kept to the highroad, though the
place was distant only about thirty or forty yards, and the way
leading to it was very wide and easy.
Arriving at a large village situated a short distance from Montserrat,
he determined to procure a garment to wear on his journey to
Jerusalem. He therefore bought a piece of sackcloth, poorly woven, and
filled with prickly wooden fibres. Of this he made a garment that
reached to his feet. He bought, also, a pair of shoes of coarse stuff
that is often used in making brooms. He never wore but one shoe, and
that not for the sake of the comfort to be derived from it, but
because, as he was in the habit of wearing a cord tied below the knee
by way of mortification, this leg would be very much swollen at
night, though he rode all day on horseback. For this reason, he felt
he ought to wear a shoe on that foot. He provided himself also with a
pilgrim's staff and a gourd to drink from. All these he tied to his
saddle.
Thus equipped, he continued on his way to Montserrat, pondering in his
mind, as was his wont, on the great things he would do for the love of
God. And as he had formerly read the stories of Amadeus of Gaul and
other such writers, who told how the Christian knights of the past
were accustomed to spend the entire night, preceding the day on which
they were to receive knighthood, on guard before an altar of the
Blessed Virgin, he was filled with these chivalric fancies, and
resolved to prepare himself for a noble knighthood by passing a night
in vigil before an altar of Our Lady at Montserrat. He would observe
all the formalities of this ceremony, neither sitting nor lying down,
but alternately standing and kneeling, and there he would lay aside
his worldly dignities to assume the arms of Christ.
When he arrived at Montserrat, he passed a long time in prayer, and
with the consent of his confessor he made in writing a general
confession of his sins. Three whole days were employed in this
undertaking. He begged and obtained leave of his confessor to give up
his horse, and to hang up his sword and his dagger in the church, near
the altar of the Blessed Virgin. This confessor was the first to whom
he unfolded his interior, and disclosed his resolution of devoting
himself to a spiritual life. Never before had he manifested his
purpose to anybody.
The eve of the Annunciation of Our Blessed Lady in the year 1522 was
the time he chose to carry out the project he had formed. At
nightfall, unobserved by any one, he approached a beggar, and taking
off his own costly garments gave them to the beggar. He then put on
the pilgrim's dress he had previously bought, and hastened to the
church, where he threw himself on his knees before the altar of the
Blessed Mother of God, and there, now kneeling, now standing, with
staff in hand, he passed the entire night.
After receiving the Blessed Sacrament, to avoid recognition he left
the town at daybreak. He did not go by the direct route that leads to
Barcelona, as he might have met those who knew him and would honor
him, but he took a byway that led him to a town called Manresa. Here
he determined to remain a few days in the hospital and write out some
notes in his little book, which for his own consolation he carefully
carried about with him. At about a league's distance from Montserrat,
he was overtaken by a man who had ridden after him at a rapid pace.
This man accosted him and inquired if he had given certain garments to
a poor man, as the latter had declared. Ignatius answered that it was
true that he had given them to a beggar. On learning that the latter
had been ill-treated because he was suspected of having stolen the
clothes, the eyes of Ignatius filled with tears, in pity for the poor
man.
Although he had fled so anxiously from the praise of men, he did not
remain long at Manresa before many marvellous things were narrated of
him. This fame arose from what had occurred at Montserrat. His
reputation increased day by day. Men vied with each other in adding
some particulars about his sanctity, declaring that he had abandoned
immense revenues, and other wonderful things without much regard to
real facts.
At Manresa he lived on the alms that he daily begged. He never ate
meat nor partook of wine, though they were offered him. On Sundays,
however, he never fasted, and if wine were offered him, he drank of it
sparingly. In former days he had been very careful of his hair, which
he had worn, and, indeed, not unbecomingly, in the fashionable manner
of the young men of his age; but now he determined to cease to care
for it, neither to comb it nor to cut it, and to dispense with all
covering for his head both day and night. To punish himself for the
too great nicety which he had formerly had in the care of his hands
and feet, he now resolved to neglect them.
It was while he was living at the hospital at Manresa that the
following strange event took place. Very frequently on a clear
moonlight night there appeared in the courtyard before him an
indistinct shape which he could not see clearly enough to tell what
it was. Yet it appeared so symmetrical and beautiful that his soul was
filled with pleasure and joy as he gazed at it. It had something of
the form of a serpent with glittering eyes, and yet they were not
eyes. He felt an indescribable joy steal over him at the sight of this
object. The oftener he saw it, the greater was the consolation he
derived from it, and when the vision left him, his soul was filled
with sorrow and sadness.
Up to this period he had remained in a constant state of tranquillity
and consolation, without any interior knowledge of the trials that
beset the spiritual life. But during the time that the vision lasted,
sometimes for days, or a little previous to that time, his soul was
violently agitated by a thought that brought him no little uneasiness.
There flashed upon his mind the idea of the difficulty that attended
the kind of life he had begun, and he felt as if he heard some one
whispering to him, "How can you keep up for seventy years of your life
these practices which you have begun?" Knowing that this thought was a
temptation of the evil one, he expelled it by this answer: "Can you,
wretched one, promise me one hour of life?" In this manner he overcame
the temptation, and his soul was restored to peace. This was his first
trial besides what has already been narrated, and it came upon him
suddenly one day as he was entering the church. He was accustomed to
hear Mass daily, and to assist at Vespers and Compline--devotions from
which he derived much consolation. During Mass, he always read over
the history of the Passion, and his soul was filled with a joyful
feeling of uninterrupted calm.
Shortly after the temptation just spoken of, he began to experience
great changes in his soul. At one time he was deprived of all
consolation, so that he found no pleasure in vocal prayer, in hearing
Mass, or in any spiritual exercise. At another, on the contrary, he
suddenly felt as if all sorrow and desolation were taken from him,
experiencing the relief of one from whose shoulders a heavy cloak had
suddenly been lifted. On noticing all this, he was surprised,
wondering what could be the import of these changes which he had never
before experienced, and he said to himself, "What new kind of life is
this upon which I am entering?"
At this time he became acquainted with some holy persons who
manifested great confidence in him, and gladly conversed with him; for
though he had, as yet, little knowledge of spiritual things, still he
spoke with great fervor on religious subjects, and incited his
hearers to make greater progress in the way of God's service. Among
those holy persons who dwelt at Manresa, there was one lady well
advanced in years who had long been given to the service of God, and
who was so well known in many places in Spain that his Catholic
Majesty, the King of Spain, had desired her presence on one occasion
in order to take counsel with her about certain projects that he had
in his mind. This lady, speaking one day to our new soldier of Christ,
said to him, "Would that the Lord Jesus might appear to you some day!"
Ignatius, wondering at her words, understood in a literal sense, and
asked her, "What would He look like if He were to show Himself to me?"
He always persevered in his custom of approaching the Sacraments of
Confession and Holy Communion every week. But herein he found a great
source of anxiety on account of the scruples with which he was
annoyed. For though he had written out his general confession at
Montserrat, and with great diligence and care had tried to make it
complete, yet he always felt that he had forgotten something in his
confession, and this caused him much anxiety. Even though he should
now confess it again, he received no consolation. He tried then to
find a spiritual person, who could give him relief in his trouble, but
he found no one. Finally, a certain doctor who had experience in
spiritual things, and who was a preacher in the church, advised him to
write down anything he remembered and feared that he had not
confessed. He obeyed, and even after he had confessed these sins, his
scruples still continued to fill his soul, and he was constantly
recalling minor details that he had not confessed. In this way he was
cruelly tormented. He knew well that these scruples caused no little
harm to the spiritual life, and that it was most expedient to get rid
of them, yet they continued to torture him. At times it occurred to
him that it would be well if he could have his confessor command him
in the name of the Lord Jesus not again to confess anything of his
past sins; and he inwardly prayed that his confessor would give him
some such command, but he could not bring himself to ask him to do
so.