_To Editor Woman’s Page, who was once a Baby, but has got over it._
Dear Mr. Sir:
I have now released myself from Patriot’s Bluff, Ohio, where I took
considerable experience away with me. There I done home-work for Mr &
Mrs Henery M. Bushel & child for delicious cheapness of wages, thank
you. When I approach this Bushel home 2 weeks formerly from now, Hon.
Mrs (refined lady with wealthy golden tooth) look severely at my
Japanese humility.
“Togo,” she narrate, “this house contains the brightest, most valuable
& booflest Hon. Baby in all world.”
I attempt to look surprised. “Mrs Madam,” I say gradually, “I have
worked already at 13½ places which also contained the brightest, most
valuable & booflest Hon. Baby in all world. How could it? Did them
other places all have same baby?”
“No. But them other babies was all imposters,” she dib.
So she led me to setting-room, walking with quiet toes and wrapped
expression peculiar to folks approaching Mikado or some other
President. In 1/8 size rocking-bed I observe Hon. Baby laying among
considerable softness and appearing quite babyhood.
“Are he not remarkabilious child?” she require.
“I are sure he must be very distinguished,” I say sweetishly.
“Why you think so?” she require with gently smiling.
“Because,” I says so, “all distinguished persons appears quite plain
when first observed.”
“I do not care to hear your foreign thoughts,” she grudge.
Hon. Baby make happy guggle to see me, so I know we should get very
friendship together. I waggle my thumbs to him, so he make more laugh.
“DON’T!!” holla Hon. Mrs. “You wish explode my child’s nerves by this
actions?”
“Are it injurious for childhood to laugh at my thumbs?” I ask it.
“Many children are spoilt forever by too much laughter in infancy,”
she explan. “I raise this child like I raise biscuits--by book. Volume
entitled ‘How Do It to Grow Best Children’ tell me delicious nervus
diseases what children will be entitled to if not careful. By feeding,
exercise, etc., I intend to make this Babe great man for future.”
“Shall he be Presidential Candidate, perhapsly?” I require.
“No! he shall never have such brutal treatment!” she exclam. “Yet I are
sure he shall be great because he has his grandfather’s eyes.”
I could not believe such youngly child could rob old gentleman of
his eyesight. Yet I say nothing. “Have he got a name?” I require for
chivalry.
“Several,” she report. “He are pronounced Alexander Applegate Leopold
Bushel.”
“Bushel baskets have been filled with less,” I say punnishly. “That
name surrounds him completely.”
“For shortness we call him Goo,” she say so. “Now I shall tell you his
daily programme.” She take paper from table and read me following list
of deeds intended for that Babyhood:
5:30 to 6 A. M. crying exercises enjoyed for development of lung.
6:15 sterilised milk programme with bottle.
7:30 Hon. Baby bathed in fluid offensive to mikrobes. Hon. Father
then permitted to bring out scales and weigh Hon. Baby so to show
he soon will be a Physical Perfection like Family.
8:10 A. M. ½ hour baby-talk conversation by his mother for
development of brain.
8:40 slight perambulation in baby-cab continuing 2 hours. This
trip must go through considerable streets and scenery, so Hon.
Baby will get used to travel.
10:40 homeward arrival. More crying exercises enjoyed for benefit
of lung.
11:30 continual sleep programme until entirely saturated with
slumber.
Afternoon--same like morning programme, only more so.
Hon. Mrs Bushel told me this with intense accuracy peculiar to
statistics.
“You speak reverently about sterilised milk,” I pronounce. “How do you
make this youthful beveridge?”
“This milk are best science for all baby,” she report. “You put him in
clean kettle & boil him to scalding point--”
“Boil Baby to scalding point?” I screech with shocks.
“No!! Boil milk,” she otter.
Which show what difficult housekeeping babies can be.
* * *
Mr Editor, one important rule I notice about babies--you must not
never give them nothing that they want. This Hon. Bushel Baby are
continuously poking forth sweet hands and making considerable blueness
from his eyes to show his undesirable whims & requisitions. One time
I was approaching steps with 100-lb ice-chunk for kitchen. Hon. Baby
seen this and order some by making finger-signals. How could I disobey
this toy boss? So I split off slight fracture of ice & was attempting
to make present of this to him when--O scream! Mrs Boss came flewing
outward and seen what was.
“Stop!” she holla. “You wish refrigerate that darling interior?”