_Visits of Condolence._
XCIII. All those who labour under any great misfortune, may properly be
classed among the sick or infirm. Those things which we commonly call
diseases, begin with the body, and from thence proceed to affect the
soul; but the disease of grief, or sadness, begins with the soul, and
from that is communicated to, and infects the body. To the afflicted
with grief, all the visitors should act the physician, nor indeed are
there any other physicians, who can afford them so much relief. The
cure of the passions of the soul, do not appertain to medicine, but to
ethics. Thus the discretion of a man who visits an afflicted person may
afford him relief, when all the precepts of old Hippocrates can furnish
him with none.
XCIV. But what most frequently happens in these cases? why, that the
visits of condolence, add a new affliction to him who is already borne
down by grief. It is necessary to leave a disconsolate widow, or a man
who was exceedingly fond of his deceased wife, for a few days after
their loss to themselves, both out of respect to the formalities of
the world, and to afford them an opportunity to vent their sorrow.
The natural alleviators of great grief, are abundant tears, impetuous
sighs, repeated exclamations, and extravagant gestures. None of these
can be indulged by any one, while he or she is receiving a visit; for
people at such times, are obliged to behave with as much composure,
as a person who is acting a serious part in a play; and must confine
themselves to expressions of their grief, that are purely theatrical.
Their words and their sighs, must issue from them, in form, in order,
and according to rule. Their bosoms are oppressed with an ocean of
bitterness, and they are only permitted to vent it drop by drop. The
doing of which if you consider it, does not afford them the slightest
relief; but on the contrary, the violence they put upon themselves
to conform to these regular demonstrations of sorrow, is rather an
addition to their torment.
XCV. The cruel consequences that result to afflicted people, by denying
them the natural breathings of their sorrow, and restraining them
from venting their grief by all ways and means, is well explained by
Picineli in his simile of a River, which swells the more, the more its
course is obstructed, _ab obice crescit_; for so it is, that grief
increases by being suppressed, and that the less vent is given to it,
the more apt it is to suffocate. _Strangulat inclusus dolor_, said
Ovid, who was well versed in these matters.
XCVI. For these reasons, I am of opinion, those who have met with such
misfortunes, should for a certain time, be only seen by their relations
and most intimate friends, their familiar intercourse with whom, would
rather facilitate, than interrupt those burstings of their souls, which
relieve the oppressions of their breasts. The visits of such people,
should always be accompanied with expressions of friendship, and hearty
tenders of kind and generous offers, and especially, when the grief
is increased by apprehensions, that the consequences of the loss they
have sustained, will be a partial, or total privation of their temporal
conveniences. And besides those intimate friends and relations, the
visits of some spiritual man, whose character for virtue and discretion
is generally acknowledged and confessed, might afford great comfort
in affliction, or to speak more properly, the interposition of Divine
Providence through him, might administer greater relief in such cases,
than could be furnished by the nearest relations, and the most sincere
friends. And the best office that could be done to those who are borne
down with grief by their friends and relations, might possibly be to
procure them frequent visits from men of this character.
XCVII. I would have it understood, that I mean all I have just said,
as applicable only to great and real griefs; for truly appearances in
these cases are very uncertain and equivocal. If a father, a mother, a
husband, or a wife dies, the nearest relation to the deceased party,
manifests great tokens of being deeply affected. But who will believe
that a husband can be greatly concerned for the death of his wife,
who was known to be much fonder of other women than of her? or who
can believe that a wife can be really grieved for the death of her
husband, who always played the tyrant with her, and treated her like a
galley-slave of matrimony? or who that a son can be feelingly affected
by the death of a father, whose estate he has long panted to be in
possession of? In such instances as these, multitudes of visits of
condolence may not be improper; for condolences of compliment, are well
suited to mournings of ceremony.