that remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three among
her personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raise
as much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame
Broun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousand
dollars worth of friendless little stamps with nobody to love them but
me. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks in
sight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of pie
myself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influence
and name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only by
asking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trust
people beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got this
far I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches for
other reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last of
the business which was merely how would we print our forms for
subscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violet
with whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it I
agreed, being hungry myself.
"I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount," said
Pattie. "But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you."
"Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they dont belong. Because I am
undertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose."
But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than my
reasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sunday
morning.
IV
But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, which was that fine as it
is to walk out to your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth of stamps
per each off them and of course nobody but thinks the rich should have
them, too, I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling stamps at
five dollars or even two bits, was because every one could get in on a
good thing that way. Somehow there seemed something too up-stage about
going in only for the high spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried
home full of determination to make a stab at selling to the common herd
and with a terrible appetite and anxious as could be over the one
o'clock mail.
Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate disappointment because the
censor was sitting just as tight as ever and there was only cereal for
lunch. Believe you me it give me sort of a jolt when I sat down to so
little and Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced to eat in
silence which being both perfect ladies was the only thing to do as it
was also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down on the job. She pushed
her dish over toward me in disgust.
"Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!" she says.
"Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. "And we'll get a good meal at
the Ritz to-night to make up!"
Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism than by what I had eat, I
set out to put over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head for using
places which was already kind of organized, as my selling agents--do you
get me? And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle's
because--believe you me--that cheap dress I had bought off her needed a
plastic surgeon by then. Maison was as usual giving a unconscious
imitation of a trained seal, switching gracefully around the store with
a customer which she was hypnotizing into all forgetfulness of prices.
But finally I got her alone long enough to express what I thought about
the dress and any lady will be able to imagine what that was. Then I
asked her could she fall in with my scheme which was on Saturday to take
only Thrift Stamps or W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the stamps
herself. Maison didn't enthuse over the idea, though she's rich at that.
"Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. "It ain't that I'm not patriotic,
but this establishment is _exclusive!"_
Well, I seen there was no use arguing with her, and I guess there never
is with a woman which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, not to
mention that cheap fake of a dress. Next one I buy of her without a
guarantee will be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and went over
to Chamberlin's. Of course it takes a whole lot more brains to run a
enormous cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison has to use if less
nerve, he not coming personally into contact with the customers like she
does, and I counted on this. I went in by the main door where a lady sat
selling W.S.S. and she bored me to death with them while a captain went
to find Chamberlin. When I seen him coming I tried to assume that
sprightly and convincing manner of the sidewalk W.S.S. hounds, but was
overcome with that deep seated sense of being about to make a flivver,
which also shows on most of them. However, Chamberlin was a genial good
soul and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat me to it on the
admission only by buying stamps on Saturday night.
"Better try among your rich friends, Miss La Tour!" he says. "And you'll
be surprised how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way unless you use
a gun!"
"I don't want to sell to my friends," says I. "I want to sell to
everybody--get folks to chip in. The chipping-in idea is what is so
good--get together and all that."
Well, believe you me--after this I tried a dozen places and every one of
them, stores and all, where I had any influence or charge account, had
got theirselves so full of W.S.S. schemes that I felt like a helpless
babe in arms as the poet says, before I was through. There was no room
for my little $11,000 worth any place: they had all stocked up, and what
to do next I had no idea.
On the way to the Ritz that night Ma didn't talk steady like she usually
does and seemed kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her stomach also
which I was the same by then. Not to mention the censor which it is
better not to for fear I might say what I thought and he a Government
official.
But anyways no sooner was we inside the hotel than two society swells
tackled us for W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They spoke right to
us, and everything! But my goat was got by it.
"A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. And as I spoke them fateful
words I remembered that I owned a gun, which it was left from a piece I
done for the movies and I had kept it for a souvenir. Of course I
dismissed the thought at once like the sensible woman I am. But somehow
it wouldn't exactly stay away.
Did you ever get to seeing things as they really was and wondering why
on earth people go through such a lot of motions pretending things is
not what they seem, as some guy so truly says--do you get me? As soon as
I had said "hold-up" I realized that that was just what was being done.
And when I realized that it was _necessary_ to hold up people in order
to get them to make a safe investment which would earn them a good net
profit while saving their fool lives, I got so raving mad that a gun
seemed too good for them. And mad at myself, too, for not seeing sooner
how much my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my shoulders. Somehow up
to then I had really a idea that the bunch down in Washington was
relieving me of all trouble and responsibility about this war. But now I
seen it wasn't so. If the G.A.P. or Great American People was actually
such boobs that they didn't flock up and wish their life savings onto
such a scheme, they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used to hold my
nose for my own good and believe you me--I can taste that oil to this
day!
Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept going through my mind while
running up a considerable check which Gawd knows we needed it or the
undertaker would of conscripted us. And then all of a sudden who did I
see but Ruby Roselle only two tables away and with her a husky young
lounge-lizzard which goes around with her a lot--you know--one of the
kind whose favorite flower is the wild oat, but never has anything to
spend but the evening. And him and Ruby had their heads together and was
watching me like the German spies in a movie which every one in the
audience spots except their victims which of course are looking at the
director close up front which is certainly the only reason they are
fooled.
Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby because Broadway places is
more her speed, and I never see her in such refined surroundings before.
But I realizing about her kind of patriotism I commenced wondering
wasn't she there to watch me? Though for what reason I had no idea.
That night after the show, I asked Goldringer wouldn't he use the
admission by W.S.S. Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it on for
one of his other theatres. And so I went home in despair and a taxi, and
was further cheered by a empty letter-box.
In the morning the cards come--a thousand of them--and certainly more
elegant looking than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby and
reading as follows:
"The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee will deliver to ............ of
............ worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this card.
Payment for same is hereby acknowledged."
Then came a blank which it was up to me to fill in. Well, I didn't
hesitate and after a hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and weak tea,
I tied up the lace sleeves of my negligee and set to work at signing
them. Believe you me, before I was done I quite see why President Wilson
used a rubber stamp! But I didn't weaken until noon, when any one would
have on the meal I'd had. And by then they was finished anyways and
every one of them valid and as good as my cheque. Then just as I was
feeling proud of myself in come Ma and I could see at once she was going
to take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly way.
"If you ain't too busy with your war work," says Ma very gentle but
firm, "I'd like to talk to you about something before we set down to
the skeleton lunch which is waiting and can be continued in our next for
all I care!" she says.
Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle feeling which I always get when
Ma gives me a certain look, just like I used to when she'd tell me soap
was good for washing out the mouths of kids which had told a lie. And so
I just set there and listened.
"Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. "Do you know the size of the cheque
you signed over to the hotel last night?"
"About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting a glimmer.
"When your Pa and me was married he give me twelve a week for all our
meals!" she says, and set back and folded her hands in a way which said
all she hadn't.
"But times has changed," I says sort of feeble.
"But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And how can you keep in good training
on this war-nonsense?" she wanted to know. "Not to mention me, which it
might improve my figure but never my disposition?"
"But how about making war sacrifices and all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain't
eating like we done up till yesterday!"
"Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at the Ritz, neither," she
reminds me, at which of course I shut up and she went on. "Now I dont
believe being stingy to ourselves is really gonner help the war. You
have strode in upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, and I'm going
to put you out! You don't know where to economize and I do. No more
eating out, and a good sensible table at home, minus cream cakes," she
says, "is what we do from now on!"
And with that she marches out leaving me flat as one of her own
pan-cakes. Well, this was bad enough, but when Musette got after me as I
was dressing to go for my five miles, I seen that my humbling for the
day was not finished.
"That dress Madam bought yesterday," she began.
"You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, or so I thought.
"Thank you, I do not care for it," says Musette. "I was just remarking
it is really not fit to wear again. Madam would of done better to pay a
little more!"
Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls from one pride! Believe you me I
took _some_ walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter I bet
it would have registered a lot over five miles. And while I was walking
I kept getting madder and madder and more and more worked up over what
boneheads people was and how was a person to economize nowadays and how
on earth would I sell all them stamps by Saturday night with a matinée
in between and keep my promise to President Wilson? It begun to look
like I was going to have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I got a
real good picture of myself going up to the proud or pesky passer-by,
and getting turned down so often that my spirit was bent thinking of it.
But--believe you me--I made up my mind that if I had to hold up anybody
to make them invest in the World's Soundest Securities or W.S.S. I would
hold them up good and plenty and no disguise about it. I thought again
about my revolver, the one which I had used it in the movies when I done
"The Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for a souvenir. I was that
wrought up over the situation that by the time I got home I had pretty
near decided I'd take that fire-arm to the theatre and lock the doors
and come down front center and shoot out one of the lights to show I
meant it and then take the money right off the audience. The theatre
being my native element it seemed only natural to pull the trick there,
only being a lady the gun really did look a little rough only not more
so than the public deserved.
V
WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against it with all them blanks still
on my hands and no way in sight of getting rid of them. And just to make
things nice and pleasant, what do I see when I come on the stage that
night but Ruby Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were sitting in
a box. She certainly seems to go in for reptiles for pets. And no sooner
did I get off after my eighth curtain call, than around she comes to my
dressing room and hands me a check for her stamps and for the ones she
had undertaken to sell and already had.
"I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. "You are so efficient,
dearie!"
"Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or will be by this time
to-morrow."
"Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And did I wish for my gun? I did!
"Ain't you give any of them cards out yet?" she says.
"No!" I says. "But I will--I'll commence with you, dear Miss Roselle," I
says. "And here you are"--and I filled out the receipt cards which I had
a few in my vanity case for emergencies, and give them to her. When she
took them I noticed she had a awful funny look in her eye, but at the
time it meant nothing to me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more--but
no--solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up completely. And Ruby
grabbed the cards, collected her new pet animal, and went away.
Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly poor, even after the
nice little well-ballanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn bread
with brown sugar which Ma had for me and delicious as anything you ever
ate if she did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they so unreliable
nowadays. But no letter from Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she
thought it was right to wear black, I went to bed and fell into a
exhausted sleep which lasted well on toward the box-office man's
afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep late when I have to dance
twice.
Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to the theatre for the matinée
that I hadn't no time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I did get
a cheque from each of the other committee members and told Ma to send
them receipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I _did!_ A flivver, that was
what I had made. But so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn't
care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. Wilson made a lump in my throat
while doing my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," which shows
how bad I felt. And what do you know, when I took my encore, there was
Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all alone.
This got about the last butt out of my goat and I sent an usher to get
her, but Ruby had went before the usher had made up her mind to
undertake the mission. I was just about wild all the way home, and the
sight of Ma's face when I got there almost made me cry it was that sweet
and friendly. Honest to Gawd when Ma has got her own way about anything
she is just lovely to be with! And having got the kitchen back and the
grandest dish of baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork for
dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the same under her influence and
even let her play "Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on Jim's
souvenir afterwards and never said a word to her about it, though
suffering while I listened. And then it was time to go back to the
theatre and I took Musette and that whole box of gilt edged securities
which seemed no good to nobody, but I took them, and a good yet bad
thing I did, for on the way downtown I decided what to do, and when I
got there, called the ushers and gave them instructions and a little
something else by way of promoting kindly feelings. And then with
beating heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced rubbing on
my make-up cream with trembling fingers.
Did you ever make one of them critical decisions which you knew in your
heart you was actually going to carry it through and no camouflage, even
if it killed you and it very likely to? Well, when I decided to make a
speech right out in public I got that feeling--do you get me? And any
Elk or other lodge member which attends annual banquets will know what I
mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly missed my cue, and after I finally got on
the stage the dance I did must of been either automatic or a
inspiration and I don't know why they liked it out in front, but they
did. All I personally myself could hear was "Ladies and Gentleman, I
want to speak a word to you,"--You know! And hand-springs in between!
Well of course when I come out for my first encore I didn't have the
wind to say nothing--But my eyes was as good as ever and there in a box
was Ruby Roselle again!
Believe you me--that was a jolt and a half! Here she had come to give me
the laugh I had no doubt, and somehow after the second call my wind was
all of a sudden back good and strong, and with it came my courage. For I
wouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything!
So stepping foreward in a modest manner I held up my hand and the house
got quiet and listened. As I have said, the show was at the Spring
Garden, and it's awful big and I had never knew how full of silence it
could be until I heard the sound of my own voice all alone in it. But
after a minute I got used to it, and so interested in trying to convince
the folks, that I didn't care.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is going to be a plain, good
old-fashioned hold-up! If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the screams
of the women and children, and the groans of the wounded pocket-books!
Far be it from me to do anything so unrefined as to actually use a gun
on you," I says, "but I'm going to do the next thing to it. I'm going to
sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. right here and now, and you
are going to buy them. I know all of you has probably been buying them
all day and is sick of them, but I have personally promised President
Wilson to do as much by to-night without fail and you must help me make
good. And no matter how many you have bought," I says, "unless you have
a thousand dollars worth you can spend another ten or so apiece. Now, as
I say, I know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to be. And any
public which can sit here in a theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy
a few stamps when a million of our boys is over in far-away, sort of
unreal France, giving their lives, had ought to have a machine gun
turned on them from this stage instead of a line of talk! Probably this
is the first time in the history of finances that it has been necessary
to jolly a crowd into making a good investment. If I was selling stock
in a fake gold mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing on the
stage to get it! Now will everybody willing to take ten dollars worth
kindly stand up?"
There was a few laughs, and a few people got up here and there, sort of
shamefaced.
"Come on!" I says. "Come on--are you all cripples? You over there--only
ten dollars--save it on next months grocery bill--all right--save it on
your auto bill!"
A few more got up then, but not nearly enough and I caught sight of
Goldringer in the wings by then and not having warned him what I was
going to do, I could tell by his expression that I mustn't hold the
stage too long or a militaristic system would right away be born in our
theatre. So I got desperate.
"No more!" I called. "Oh, come on get up! Will I send for crutches, or
are you only shy? Remember, I got that money promised! Only ten dollars
each!"
But no more stirred. For a minute I thought my flivver was complete, and
then I got a idea. I went over and beckoned to George, the orchestra
leader, and shaking all over at my own nerve, I whispered to him.
George grinned and passed along the whisper to his crew, and in another
minute that audience was standing, every last one of them, and--believe
you me--the Star Spangled Banner had never sounded so good to me before!
Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I jumped off the stage as I see
the ushers couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and wait or no
wait, the way that audience took my hold-up was something grand, it was
that good natured, although of course a Broadway crowd gets sort of
hardened to having their money taken away from them roughly. They was
lambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't have shuffled them good if it
had been a game.
Well, anyways, when I finally got back to my dressing-room and the
trained animals had come on at last--believe you me--I was all in, but
not a card left, and not alone eleven thousand dollars but
thirteen-fifty in actual cash! I didn't worry none about having too much
as I never see a committee yet which couldn't use more money than it had
ast for, the White Kittens always having a deficit. And then I just put
the boodle away safe in my tin make-up box which I had emptied because
it locked good, and took me and Musette and it home to Ma.
Well, that was about all for that, and I had a fine sleep that night
after sending the President a wire telling him I had the money all
right. And if only the censor had loosened up, I would have been
perfectly happy, with all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight over
the mantle-piece and a good real energy-making breakfast coming to me in
the morning.
But alas for false security, as the poet says. No sooner had Ma and me
ate breakfast next morning than in came Musette and says there are two
gentlemen outside wants to see me. Well, it seems they wouldn't give
their names so I says show them in for on account of Ma always making us
dress in real clothes for breakfast Sundays, it was alright.
Well, in come two gentlemen then, and it was easy to see one was a cop.
Why he didn't have green whiskers or something I dont know because the
one citizen you can always spot is a cop, and that tweed suit was no
disguise, although he seemed to think so. I got a awful funny feeling in
my stomach at this sight although there was nothing on my mind but my
hair pins. The other was a gentleman and no disguise about him, and I
sort of took to him right away and dropped my society-comedy manner
which is such a good weapon of defense against strangers because I knew
right away he would see through it on account of him being the real
thing.
"Miss LaTour?" he says politely.
"Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?"
"Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which was right in character and
hadn't ought to of got Ma's goat like it done.
"Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is her right name and you can see my
marriage certificate and the date is on it plain!"
"Better leave this to me for a moment, O'Rourke," says the nice
gentleman, about Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns to me while
the cop took a back seat.
"Miss LaTour," the gent. began, "I am one of the local W.S.S.
committee--Pioneer Division--Pierson Langton is my name. And I have come
to see you concerning your sale last night!"
Well--believe you me--the minute I heard his name I had him spotted! One
of the F. F. V's of N.Y. and I had often seen his name in the paper
with war-work and all.
"Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. "I am so glad to see you! It's
kind of you to come, because of course I was going to bring you the
money the first thing in the morning! Just wait till I get my make-up
box!"
And without giving him time to say another word I hurried out and got
it, the cop watching me with his hand on his hip. When I come back and
give Mr. Langton the box and key, he looked real surprised.
"Twenty-five thousand cash!" I says. "Would you mind counting it?" He
give me one of the funniest looks I ever had handed out, but he done
like I asked. Then he got up, box under one arm, and bowed, and sat down
again.
"Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win a bet with our friend O'Rourke,
here! I was sure you were all right. Your reputation was on the face of
it too valuable for such an open fraud. And your utter disingenuousness
is the final proof!"
"Fraud! What do you mean?" I gasped.
"There's been a complaint about your selling W.S.S. without no
authority!" says O'Rourke at this. "Entered last night by Miss Ruby
Roselle. We got your cards here, that she handed in. But you ain't got
no stamps! I dont know but what we ought to make a arrest, Mr. Langton!"