moment," says Mr. Langton. "This young lady acted in good faith, I am
convinced. And now, Miss LaTour, perhaps you will tell us how this all
came about?"
Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told anything readier. And then I
took out the President's letter which I had it on me, and told how I had
writ to him at once, partially because I couldn't read the other fellows
name.
"I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. "I will get a rubber-stamp
to-morrow!"
Then his eyes twinkled at me in the nicest way, and I twinkled back, and
after that I knew the cop hadn't a chance of running me in, which was a
big relief, for my hands felt like a couple of clams, about then, I was
so scared.
"So you ain't mad?" I says to Mr. Langton.
"Not a bit!" he says. "I think it can all be straightened out. But of
course you understand that what you did was a trifle--er--irregular. If
you will come down to headquarters to-morrow and meet the members of
our board, we will be glad to assist you in forming a more regular
organization."
And I said I would, and then we all said good-by real friendly, even the
cop. And I felt awful sort of excited and scared and glad that Ruby had
pulled that stuff, for if she hadn't I might actually of gone to jail, I
could see that plain enough now! And so, to let off a little steam when
they had all gone I sat down to my souvenir and started off "Over There
in Four Handed Arrangement." Then just as I had got it going good, Ma,
who was reading the Sunday paper, gave a holler. I turned around quick,
and there her eyes was popping out of her head and glued to the front
page.
"Jim!" she shrieked. "My Gawd!"
Well, how I reached that paper I don't know, but somehow I did and there
it was right in the middle column.
"American Dancer Now An Ace. James La Tour Brings Down Three Enemy
Planes In One Afternoon."
Oh, my heavens! Didn't I yell, just! And me knocking the newspapers and
the censor. And all the time Jim had been merely too busy to write!
III
HOLY SMOKES
I
Palatial Apartments,
0256 Riverside Drive,
New York City,
U. S. A. America.
(Kindly forward if on tower)
Passed by censor.
DEAR MARY:
Well say little one, I am certainly glad your health, new contracts and
the two fool dogs is both doing so nicely and as for the cigarettes they
were O.K. not to say swell. Only dearie, it ain't hardly necessary to
have my monogram on the next lot for Fritz has never waited for me to
catch up to him so's I could offer him one and he's about the only
person would be impressed by the J. La T. because our own boys kid me
about any little thing like that on account of their knowing me to be
your dancing-partner and not to mention husband and they are still slow
to realize that it takes a real he-man to swing you around my neck
twenty times like we do in the Tango de Lux, and I have to continually
keep showing them.
Then another good reason for no gold monogram is that the price of same
would cover quite a bunch of cheap smokes and dearie handing them about
is more to me than my own personal vanity and would be the same with my
shirts if necessary, while over here in distant Belgium I realise it was
also a waste to have them embroidered on the sleeve because the dam
chinaman always used to mark them up with monograms of his own anyways.
Speaking of money we used to spend on un-essentials before the war, I
tell you dearie we certainly learn in the army, especially since getting
into this recaptured territory, that many objects we would have swore
could not be done without is laid off like the extra people after the
ball-room scene and nobody misses them until somebody sends over one of
them--like them monogramed smokes of yours. Immediately I got them I
commenced to think about little old B'way and dry-martinis and my
little old roadster with the purple body and the red wheels, and us
dancing at the palatial with the juice full on us, red and green, violet
and amber. Oh Kid! it made me home-sick!! But then we got a order to
start on cleaning up after them Botches again and so I forgot everything
but you and my new step--which was forward, double line!
Well, sweetie, now about this smokes question. Of course your Ma having
been with the circus is used to giving up things, as naturally in a
trapese-act such as hers used to be she would need all the nerve she had
and even eating a welsh rabbit would of been a wild party to her. The
center ring is no joke and forty feet above it on a trapese from the
center canvas less so. But trapese work has not yet been offered to the
Allies except mebbe Itily on them mountains and any lady which starts a
society to keep smokes from soldiers may be strong in morals but is
surely weak in the head, which I never knew your Ma to be before. She
being always not only a lady but a great little picker on contracts and
what would we of done without her that time Goldringer tried to slip the
"satisfactory to the Goldringer Theatrical Productions Corp." stuff
over on us and she spotted it?
But for the love of liberty can this idea of hers about it not being
good for the boys to smoke and make her quit worrying about us tearing
around France learning no new sins. For sweetie the crimes a man can
committ on whats left of his pay after the alotment is took out and the
insurance and the liberty bonds instalments would be sanctioned by
anybody in the country even if his coller buttoned up the back. For take
it or leave it, liquor, ladies and lyrics is as expensive here as north
of 42nd str., and our pay dont go for them even after distracting the
above.
Why me and a fellow went off on leave to a general store in a town which
I couldn't spell for you much less mention it, even if permitted. But
anyways we went to it and Mac bought some winterweights and they was
four-fifty a pair and no better than the U.S. seventy-five cent kind,
and I got two pair socks a dollar per each and two bananas for 25c,
which only goes to show everything here is terrible expensive except
nessessaties. So dont let your Ma worry over me spending my remaining
nickel on vice.
I note what you say about the way folks at home get your goat by passing
the buck on war-reliefs--if it's chocolet they say they've just given to
tobacco, if it's tobacco they just bought a W.S.S., and if it's W.S.S.
they just got a hatful of bonds, or if it's bonds they just give their
last cent to chocolet--passing the buck all along the line. Well dearie,
I guess mebbe that's their way of getting a little war-relief of their
own, but as you say why would they need any relief when the fact that
they are for the most part without cooties ought to be relief enough in
itself? Let alone having to dodge only taxi cabs and bill-collectors
instead of shells. Only of course we dont have to do that now, only
shell-holes, and dodge them in a hurry to get one last look at the
German army before it puts on its good old soup and fish--or whatever
the German for civilized clothing is, that is if they have any.
But you are right girlie, to boost the smokes. We'll need them for a
long while yet. I know you have been obliged to keep your own from your
Ma and what with not really caring for peppermints it has been hard all
these years. But while her trapeese work stood alone in its day and no
one on Broadway is more respected at this writing and as a
mother-in-law I have no complaint on her outside of her wearing my
dress-pumps, this one time she is dead wrong. Soldiers are not always
acrobats and they do need to smoke and your Ma will put herself in the
small-time reform class if she dont look out. When I think of the stuff
I seen up and down Broadway and elsewhere in my days which could be
reformed and no one miss it, I get hot when I hear this talk about
keeping the army pure. Take it or leave it, but the truth is the Huns
has kept us pure alright--they sweat all the wickedness out of us
running after them.
But to get back to the tobacco stuff. Dont let nothing hinder you from
bothering everybody you see to send smokes. We'll use 'em up never fear!
And if you was to be walking down the Avenue or mebbe Broadway sometime
and a box in your hand and asking for Smoke Funds or something whichever
way its done--and your Ma was to fight her way through the howling mob
which would undoubtedly be surrounding you on account of course the best
known parlor-dancing act in America and the world wouldn't walk out
looking for funds and not draw a mob which was only too glad to see you
for five cents in the smoke-fund-box instead of two dollars in the box
office--well, anyways, if your Ma was to force her way through this mob
which with her weight she could do easily, why she would forgive you in
the end if not right there on the street, and I believe that a
hand-organ would start and play hearts and flowers at that.
Anyways, keep up the good work only never mind the monograms as long as
they taste like tobacco and can be lit. And if you fall out with Ma just
tell her this story which I will tell you and she will see mebbe God
didn't put tobacco in the world merely for little slum children to pluck
on their two weeks vacation in all its green beauty.
Well, the story is like this sweetie, and I will write it as good as I
can and if it seems comicle go ahead and get a good laugh only take it
or leave it, it was no comedy at the time. But if you was to news it
around mebbe the folks at home would start dropping something beside
coppers in them soda-fountain boxes you was talking about, and commence
trying to squeeze a quarter through the slot now and again. Come to
think of it, the biggest thing a copper penny can buy is the feeling a
person gets from dropping one in a Belgium milk bottle or home for
crippled children or Merry Xmas for the Salvation Army. You know the
cheap chest it gives you. Many a liberty bond has been left in the
Govts. hands by a prospective buyer stumbling on a "drop a penny" box in
a cigar store on his way to the cupon-cutters, or I miss my guess. I've
done the same in my day and the man who says he aint raised his own
stock with himself by giving a nickle to the Newsboys Annual Outing is
as big a liar as the guy which says he never loved another girl. And if
pennies was to be cut out of the currency a whole lot of cheap
philanthropists would have to make their conscience work or fight.
Well, anyways you go right on boosting the smoke-fund and never mind Ma.
She'll learn different some day.
Now about this story I was going to tell you. First off leave me explain
that the drinking regulations over here is different to uniforms than on
the Rialto and America. I hunch it that the managers and booking agents
and so forth in the U. S. Military Amusements Co. inc. figure that a few
of the rules have to be let down while the big show is on. Same as the
stars can lean against a No Smoking sign on the big time and roll a
makin's quite openly. So when on leave and even sometimes in the
dressing-room or I should say rest-billets a bottle of wine is not out
of order. Very different sweetie, from the night Goldringer gave me in
my uniform the big send off at the Ritz with all the newspaper bird and
the leads and everybody and me and you the only sober person present, do
you remember?
Well, its no news to you to say that I havent forgot I am a professional
dancer and good condition is my middle name for my future, not to
mention my present contract with Uncle Sam and that a sober man is worth
more to both--also to you and myself.
But the Allies dont look on liquor like we do. As a matter of fact they
seldom look on what we would call liquor at all, hardly ever getting a
glympse of anything hard such as rye, scotch or gin, and a cocktail
being practically a stranger and a repulsive one at that to them. But
wine is something different again. Which while with us it is the high
sign for a big party and flowing only in extremely good classes such as
at the lobster layouts--leaving aside dago spaghetti parlors when folks
is resting--with them it is a common matter and everybody drinks it and
while there aint much kick to it, still it has it all over the water we
get and coming under their idea of necessities, is low in price. Of
course by wine I do not mean champagne like we used to for publicity
purposes order for our dinner in public, but stuff made out of common
grapes, I guess, and with the seltzer left out.
Well, dearie, the reason I hand you all this info. is that the story I
am going to tell you got started because of this wine. "In Venus
Veritas" you know or so they say, and I confess that in trying to get a
little kick out of the stuff I got sort of lit and that's what caused me
the story.
II
WELL, we was sort of waiting off stage as you might call it, in a little
town in Belgium, our act having just been on and a pretty lively one it
was and the Captain give us a pretty good hand on it, although as you
know the audience didn't wait for the finish but left us their orchestra
seats or front line trenches which we moved into and then give up to the
next number on the bill and come back to watch from the wings, or would
of only we was a little too far off.
Well, the Capt. felt so good and the water was so bad that he sent a
delegation back for a little liquid refreshment. They have big jugs over
here like the molasses is kept in at home only here it is frankly boose
and no one pretends any different. And the game is this. The one which
volunteers for this dangerous work, if broke himself, takes a swig or so
out of the jug he is bringing back which it dont show on account of
their not being transparent and so the officer dont get any surprise
until toward the end of the jug and even so may think he took more than
he had thought. The private will take only a little from each but if
there is jugs enough many a mickle makes quite a jag.
Well, me and a fellow named McFarland and a French kid called Ceasare
was each given two of these molasses jugs which looked like props, and
was sent off to a village some place in congnito for you couldn't
pronounce it. And we was glad enough to go because among other things we
was short of smokes. Some cleaver actor had accidintly lit the last
mess fire with a bale of Virginias and there wasnt hardly a smoke among
us.
You just figure out how it would feel if you was to have a bath and do
your exercise and eat a swell breakfast and then realise there wasnt a
pill in the house! Think sweetie, how your brest would swell up with
alarm, and the royal fit you would throw while the elevator boy was on
his way to the corner drug store! Why figure even the way you feel once
you get a cigarette in your face and then cant find a match for two
whole minutes. Well, take it or leave it, I tell you that feeling is a
whole lot multiplied on the victorious fields of France when little
friend cigarette is notable by its absence. A empty house on an opening
night is nothing to it. So you can see where me and Ceasare and Mac was
glad to get in the neighborhood of one, leaving even all considerations
of the wine aside.
Well, we started out carrying each two jugs and as we went the fellow
which acts as usher, or sentry on the road hollers at us do we know the
way and Ceasare and him jabbered at each other in French in the
remarkable fluent way they do over here. And Ceasare laughed and when we
asked what it was he said the guy told him to look out Fritz didnt get
us on the open road, which was certainly some joke for of course we
hadn't been able to get near enough to Fritz to hear him in some time.
So we laughed, too, for if any snipers had managed to stay behind and
opened up on us we could of spotted them and wiped them out if they had
kept it up.
Well sweetie, there wasnt any road exactly toward the place we was bound
for on account of our having done considerable trespassing on private
property and taking little notice of fences whether barbed-wire or
civilian or shell-holes or trenches but having went straight ahead. And
after the last 5 years on upper Broadway you will realize it comes easy
enough to me, I often having come unharmed from the Claridge to the
Astor, and the French fields has nothing on that crossing. So to me that
first part of the trip was as little or nothing and I was the
cheerfulist of the party though we was all pretty cheerful and singing a
little song of Ceasare's which I dont know what it means but I guess I'd
better not write it in for fear you would.
Well, it was late afternoon and awful cold for the time of year, and I
was thinking that at home the frost was on the pumpkin and the pumpkin
would soon be in the pie and the turkey was about to get the axe and
Halloween was due and a lot of nice things like that. And after a lot of
kilomets had been covered, we come to the funny little town which looked
like the back-drop to the opening seane in a musical comedy only all
shot to pieces like it had been on the road with a No. 2 company for a
long and successful tower.
Well, we come to it, anyhow, and being on duty in a way as far as them
jugs went--we went with them and took what we could afford our ownselves
while we watched papa Ceasare fill 'em up. Then the tobacco dept.
claimed our attention only to find there wasn't any!
Well, sweetie, I have tried to put over the way I felt at these glad
tidings and the censor wouldn't of stood for it, so out she goes! But I
felt that way all right and so did Mac and Ceasare.
"I'll no beleeve ut!" says Mack which he talks a funny kind of way like
Harry Lauder. "I'll no beleeve ut--theer must be some someplace aboot!"
"Say la guyer!" says Ceasare and gives a shrug, although he was a lot
more disappointed than Mac on account of Mac's really caring more for
liquor than smoke any day. "Say la Guyer!" he says, and asks his pa why
it happened and his pa tells him and he translates it to Mac and me.
"He say a young lady have took it all only hour ago for free to
soldiers," he explains.
And take it or leave it, but I was certainly a little sore for although
I am the first to believe in the other fellow getting it, still this
time we all felt like the other fellow was us, and no doubt she had took
it to the nearest camp or hut, and so I ast which way was it she went
for mebbe we would get some of it. And then come a big surprise.
"No 'ospitil here!" Ceasare explained again. "An no 'ut! It ees too soon
after we take it. Then papa says she is first cross red lady we have
seen and she speak in French!"
"Well, that's funny!" I says--and of course dearie you understand this
had been enemy ground only a little before and that there was a
wine-shop going was a miricle and only for it being Ceasare's papa we
wouldn't of got none, which is how he come to be along with us.
Well, we all felt real sore and disappointed but took it like a man for
of course a red cross nurse would get it for the wounded and we had our
health.
So papa give us all another round and we took the big molasses jugs and
started off. It was getting toward twilight and pretty cold and I will
say it give me sort of sore feeling towards the folks at home and blamed
them for letting me be without a cigarette and you know how it is about
two drinks makes me a little sore at things and I began to cheer up
after the third and this was early in the evening.
Not so Mac. He has a talent for drink. Well, we had just about left the
motion-picture village behind us when he commenced to sing and while I
dont know what it was about, I will put it down this time because you
wont know neither.
"Fortune if thou'll but gie me still
Hale Breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill,
An' rowth o' ryme to rave at will,
Tak' a' the rest,
"An' deal 't about as they blind skill
Directss thee best."
Well, naturally we applauded which is always safe when you don't
understand a thing, and it certainly was comical for Mac is generally a
quiet cuss and a tightwad as well. Then I spoke up.
"These jugs is too heavy!" I says. "Let's lighten 'em up a bit."
Well they thought so and we done it and felt better and then I sang
them:
"Give me your love
The sunshine of your eyes!"
And both Ceasare and Mac commenced to cry. Mac set down his jugs and we
done the same and then Mac done the most generous thing I ever seen a
Scotchman do even in liquor. He reached inside his bonnett and took out
three cigarettes, shook the bonnett to show they was actually the last,
and give us each one and one to himself.
Well, we all sat down on a old motor chassis or what was left of it, and
burned them smokes like insense, not speaking a word! But putting that
red cross lady which had been ahead of us out of our minds and thinking
only of how we was going to give Mac our next packages from home when
they come, and he mebbe thinking of how he was going to get them. And
then we all made our jugs a little lighter and by this time it was
pretty dark and we commenced to hurry back. Before we had went very far
we had to hesitate about which way. Because sweetie, take it or leave
it, what you write about getting lost in the new subway has nothing on
finding your way about after dark by yourself in this part of the world.
Well, Mac was sure we come one way and I was sure we come another and
Ceasare he had a different hunch from either of us. So we all took
another little drink as it was getting mighty cold by now, and in the
end we started off Ceasare's way because why wouldnt he know best which
way was right and him born and raised right there on the farm? We
trusted to his judgment just like him and Mac would of trusted me to
tell the taxi-driver where to go from Keens.
So we went like he said, but somehow we didn't seem to get no place in
particular although we kept on going for a long time: I couldn't say how
long, but it seemed like a Battery to Harlem job to me only by now I
loved everybody but Fritz and a sort of fog had come up or so I thought,
and we was all singing, each our own sweet songs but at the same time.
"Lets throw away a few of these jugs," I remember saying--and really
there was so little in some of them it wasn't worth carrying back so we
just finished them off and threw them away and then we come upon a
little path--or it felt like it.
"Allou!" shouted Ceasare, "we are almost there!" and with that we sure
got the surprise of our lifes, for rat-tat-tat-tat-tat come a sputter of
machine gun fire right at us.
III
AT first we was very much jolted by this though unhurt, and then we
commenced to think it was a joke. Here we was going in behind our own
lines and being fired upon.
"Shut up, ye dam fools!" Mac hollered. "Can ye no recognize yer own
people?"
Then Ceasare yelled in French, but they paid no attention to us.
_Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!_ it come again, and this time it made me real mad.
I figured that if they didn't quit their nonsense somebody was liable to
get hurt. So I saved what was left in my last jug, threw the thing
away, and told Ceasare and Mac to come on and leave us beat up the poor
boobs with the nasty sense of humor and show them where they got off.
Well, Mac and him thought this was a good idea so they done like I done
and we ran up the little hill which we could see our way pretty good in
spite of the dark because they never let up on us but kept right on
spitting fire. Well, we got very mad by this time and to tell the truth
I can't very well recall just what did happen only when we got to the
gun the boys was German!
Well, take it or leave it, I aint had a jolt like that since the night
Goldringer raised our salary of his own accord after we put on the La
Tour Trot. And I only wisht I could remember more about what happened.
But for quite a few minutes I was terrible busy; and I guess I better
admit I was tight--awful tight. Of course there was five of them and
only three of us, and equally of course we licked them badly and took
only one prisoner but not being anything for a lady to read I will not
give particulars and anyways I dont remember any. Of course it was one
of them few remaining nest of hornets which we had joked about, but
really hadn't believed was there.
Well, when it was all over but the cheering and we was sure these birds
had been all by their lonesome, we was pretty well sobered and hot and
everything. And the first thing we done was take a look around in a few
places for tobacco. And take it or leave it--we didn't find any! Not a
smoke among the lot! Watter you know about that?
But one good thing we got out of the scrap was our senses back and it
was easy enough to spot about where our own lines would be. So after we
figured it out, and taking Fritz, the one prisoner, along, we commenced
to start off that way and you can bet the poor boob was glad to go with
us. You would of thought he had wanted to be with us all the time. Just
like after a election at home. Cant find anybody who didnt vote the
winning ticket. Which joke you may not understand, sweetie, being a
lady, and I will not now stop to explain.