made for the phone and started calling up some ladies to form the
committee out of. After thinking the matter over very careful I finally
decided on six of the most prominent in my line which was, of course,
the Dahlia sisters which had been often on the same bill with me and, of
course, they ain't really related--no such team work as theirs was ever
pulled by members of the same family, unless maybe when knocking some
absent member--do you get me? Well, anyways, beside them I got Madame
Clementina Broun, the well known Lady Baritone, she being a rather
substantial party which would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Of
course Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she being so prominent
especially as to her tights and strong pull with Goldringer but I only
done it out of diplomacy, which any one knows committees has to have a
lot of. And she is less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of just
accepting for her own self she accepts also for some friends which I had
not invited, and she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. Fred
Hutchins--him who gets up those reviews--you know--which is the only
reason she is starred in them for Gawd only knows a child which had been
started anywheres near right could of done her steps at the age of
seven, they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm movements but having a
great many imitators among college boys and such, that scare-crow stuff
being as showy as it is easy.
Well, anyways, when I had got this far I had one vacancy on my hands and
as our Allies was not sufficiently represented so far, decided on Mlle.
DuChamps which of course she was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as a
toe-dancer is unequalled in any language and has a lovely broken
accent. So there we had France. Madame Clementia was married to a
Italian and he being dead or something I never asked what I felt she was
a safe Ally because she couldn't of revolted, not if a schrapnel was to
have went off under her. Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias'
Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl was and I didn't care.
II
WHEN they had all promised to get theirselves waked up on time and be
over to the Palatial, I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion about
clothes. Of course I wasn't going to fall for that uniform stuff, but
when me and Musette looked over my clothes I simply didn't have a thing
to wear. Every one of my dresses was too morning or evening or something
and above all things I do believe in dressing a part, and certainly I
had nothing which looked like a chairmaness. So after getting into a
simple little sports costume of violet satin and my summer furs, and
taking a peep into the mail box to see had anything got by the censor
yet which of course it hadn't, I started out to buy me something which
would be quiet but tasty and snappy because nothing inspires respect in
a ladies committee like a dress none of them has seen before.
Have you ever noticed how you can pass up something which has been right
under your nose day after day and then all of a sudden you hitch on to
something which belongs to it and then all you see is that thing--do you
get me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even noticed a pair, but one day
you buy them and next time you're out every second woman has them on. Or
you go into mourning for somebody and all of a sudden you commence
noticing how many other people is the same only of course there ain't
over the average--it's only that you notice it because you are in it.
Well, believe you me--that first afternoon I went out after receiving
the President's letter, I was that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of course
I had bought my thousand dollars worth the first week they was out, as
had also Ma and she and I together the same for Musette. But we had done
it on the Liberty Loans the same, also Red Cross and thought we was
through and all the signs and posters and what not had come to be
invisible to me like a chewing-gum or a soap ad--do you get me?
But now I was in it and not only did I see every sign and see them good,
but felt like I had one on my back and everybody must know about the
letter and everything. I walked kind of springy, too, in spite of the
furs, and then when I turned into the Avenue, me being on foot, a five
mile walk per day having to be got away with by me or Ma would know the
reason why, the trouble commenced. Believe you me, I must of refused to
buy thrift stamps one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every time I
said I had all I could, the look I got handed me would have withered a
publicity man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars among us, with no
imagination, for why would W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody had
bought that much? And when I wasn't refusing to buy stamps I was forking
out quarters for everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch Rabbits
for German prisoners. And it's a good thing I had a charge account to
Maison Rosabelle's or I would never of got my dress. And the more I was
pestered to buy them stamps the madder I got. I commenced to feel it was
a regular hold up, and that the police ought to interfere. A person
which is pestered to death will even sour on the Red Cross. I don't mean
that they ain't humane, neither--only that they are human, and the most
dangerous thing to do to a human is to bore it--any one in the
theatrical professions learns that young and thoroughly. And when I
realized that I was getting bored with this constant hold-up I got a
fearful jolt and a cold chill.
Here I was undertaking to chair a committee to sell the things and Gawd
knows my heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there and all, and
it was, only getting bored with the war is kind of natural, it being so
far off and nothing likely to do us personal bodily injury on the Avenue
unless maybe the restaurants or a auto and that our own fault. And so
soon as I realized what I was up against with the great Boredom Peril, I
realized also what I had personally in writing promised Mr. Wilson, and
took a brace. It was just like the early days on the Small-Time when the
booking depends on the hand and the hand was the one which fed us--and
not any too much at that with the carrying expenses--and the hand was
getting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all one night doping out my double
handspring with the heel-click. And it was a desperate effort and we
thought it was a flivver but not at all. When I landed on my feet after
the first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and any intelligent
public will realize that I remembered it now. And by this time I had
reached the store I was headed for.
I will confess that from the moment I had decided to buy a new dress I
had my mind all set on what it was to be--something sheer and
light--printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. But by the time I had
reached Maison Rosabelle my hunch on my new job was beginning to go
strong and one of the things that worried me was that dress. Also my
lunch. Sometimes it happens that too much of a good thing is the only
thing which will turn you against it--do you get me? And Ma's cream
cakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less of them I would not have had
no indigestion and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or somebody,
says. And if I hadn't had the indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worried
over the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I see inside the store
was Maison herself, very elegant and slim, only with a little too much
henna in her hair as usual.
"Well, Masie," I said when we had got into the privacy of the art-gray
dressing room and lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some models.
"Well, Masie, I want to know is business good?" Masie is her real name
she having Frenchified it for business reasons, the same as myself.
"Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is elegant! With so many officers in
town, I can scarcely keep enough things in stock. The beaded georgettes
go so fast, on account of being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three last
week of me. One party and they're gone!"
While Masie and me has been friends ever since I can remember, her
mother having been Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma and Pa's
trapeze act, as she uttered them words, I commenced feeling a little
coolness toward her. For once I get a idea in my head it's a religion to
me, and the W.S.S. was getting to me.
"Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, Masie?" I ast.
Maison run a well manicured hand over her marcelle and smiled
superior--she has always prided herself on being sort of high-brow and
reads _Sappy Stories_ regular.
"Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says. "Dont you know that a little
gaiety keeps up the morale of the country?"
"I'm not so sure about some gaiety keeping up the moral of anything!" I
says with meaning, not wishing to directly knock anybody but still
wishing Masie to get me. "And personally myself, I think any time's a
bad time to waste money on clothes which won't last!"
"My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. "What's gonner become of us if
ladies was to quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner hire our help,
and all, and how can they live if we dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" she
says. "And what are you talking about--you coming in after a new dress
yourself, and only last week had two chiffons which Gawd knows ain't
chain-armour for wear!"
"I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can my order. Just tell the girl
to bring gingham or something which will wash--if you got such a thing!"
"Well, Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going nutty!" says Masie, but she
gives the order, and I choose one at $15--which could be dry-cleaned,
and that was the nearest I could come to what I was after.
"You wont like it!" Masie warned me. "It's too cheap--better take a good
silk!"
But I wouldn't--not on a bet. Even although what Masie said about
cutting down too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or would if only
the question was how far can a person cut before they reach the quick?
Of course I see her point, and she had as good a right to live as me.
Yet something was wrong some place, I couldn't figure out where. So I
just charged the dress and set out for home, and owning a cotton dress
made me feel awful warlike and humble--do you get me?
But while I felt better about my dress, the cream-cakes was still with
me, and, being now a sort of Government Official, they and that got me
noticing the food signs, as well, and wishing I had eat only a little
cereal for my lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriving home I handed
to Ma.
"I have just bought me a wash-dress, or almost so, Ma!" I told her. "And
honest to Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it. Suppose we was
to go on war-rations of our own free wills?"
"Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome now!" says Ma. "Just like we
always done!"
"But times is different!" I says, toying with the soda-mint bottle, and
who knows but what they were being more needed abroad? "And cream-cakes
is a non-essential. Especially to one which has to keep her figure
down," I says. "So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal only," I says.
Well I hate to take pleasure from any one and the sight of Ma's face
when I said this would of brought tears to a glass eye. But I felt
particularly strong-minded just then what with the indigestion and no
letter from the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke as they are
certainly more his than Jim's by the time they get to me! But after I
had told Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent over to the boys and
how food would win the war and how Wilson expected every man--you
know--well, she got all enthusiastic over making up a lot of cheap
recipes and we had the butcher and grocer pared down to about ninety
cents each per day. Ma could just see herself growing slim, and she kept
remembering things she used to cook for Pa in the old days before she
retired on the insurance money. And first thing you knew the time had
come for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was starting for the door Ma
mentioned Rosco, our publicity man.
"Are you going to call him or will I?" she wanted to know.
"About what?" I asked.
"Why about your committee-meeting to-morrow?" she says.
"Nothing doing!" I came back at her. "Would you invite a manager to see
a practice-act? Its going to be amateur-night for me, to-morrow is, and
no outsiders are urged to attend! And anyways, I'm not doing this for
publicity which Gawd knows I dont need any, but for my Uncle Sam!"
"Well, thank goodness, you aint go no other relations you feel that way
about," says Ma, "or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!"
III
Well, that night when I came home I cried myself to sleep with my head
under the pillow so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor, but
slept good on account of the simple little war-supper of only lettuce
and a cup of soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the morning was up
with the lark as the poet says, only of course they was really sparrows,
it being the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and husky and as early as
eleven-thirty I was all fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a
actual fact Musette had to sew it together four separate places that it
come apart while putting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I had
thought, come to look at them closer, but anyways it was cheap and that
was one good thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded wheat-less
biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of funny look on her face like she
had taken her oath and would stick it out to the death. She didn't say
anything, only set it down and I ate it, saying nothing either because
it was what we had agreed we would get along on for breakfast. When I
was through she give me a news item.
"The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account of the new rations."
"That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a general thing Ma is only
too glad when this happens.
"I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as young as I was, and I cant do
_all_ the cooking!"
Well--believe you me--I sat up and took notice of that! Ma kicking at
her favorite pastime. Something was wrong. But even then I didn't get
what it was. So I just remarked we could eat our dinners at the Ritz
that being good publicity anyways and always expected of me in full
evening dress when I am dancing. So that much settled and there being no
letter yet and me being sort of nervous about that meeting which was
breaking ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's souvenir. I thought
a whole lot of that pianola, he having given it to me just before he
sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to wear over my aching heart
which is generally supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved ones
overseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting at it, and--believe you
me--my touch is a whole lot better than Ma's which me being light on my
feet by nature and business both, is not so surprising. Well, I got
myself all worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere A Voice Is
Calling with Mandolin Arrangement" and a whole lot of expression and
what with feeling a little low on account of the patriotic breakfast, I
was just in the right frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul into
the good work before me--do you get it? You do!
Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our own flat, than that same
hold-up game which I had noticed so particular the day before was
started on me. The elevator-girls, which had taken the place of a
standing yet sitting army of foreign princes which had used to clutter
up our front hall and the only excuse they had for living was the nerve
they give the landlord when he come to price the rents:--well, anyways,
the girls which had taken their places since the draft blew in, was
selling W.S.S. Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons as
yesterday. So they sprung a working girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I
contributed to that, because I believe in girls running elevators. Why
wouldn't they, when thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for years?
Well, anyways, I give them something and escaped to the street only to
be lit on for stamps by the first small boy I met. And after only seven
others had tried me, I got to the Palatial Hotel, and--believe you
me--by that time worried pretty severely about how could a person sell
twenty-five thousand dollars worth of the pesky things and not get slain
by some impatient citizen who felt that I was the last camel and his
back was broke, or whatever the poet says? Really, it was serious, and
being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, the big ballroom
with the table and seven empty chairs like a desert island in the middle
of the floor, failed to cheer me any.
Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of the table and there being
nobody around to either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this chair
and held to it with the grim expression of a suburbanite who knows her
husband isn't coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I acted prompt
as should be done in all war-measures, because pretty soon the other
ladies commenced arriving. I guess they must of thought they could get a
better part by coming early, they was so prompt, and by one o'clock they
was actually all there except Pattie and her unknown friend, which was
pretty good, the date having been twelve-thirty.
Well, we all shook hands and I arose from my seat but didn't move a inch
away from it, having seen something of committee meetings where the
wrong person had it. And then they all sat down and took in my dress and
hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and refined and I felt so glad
I had picked such a good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's we
could commence, when lo! as the poet says, my wish was granted, for in
come Pattie and with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't Ruby
Roselle!
Well, far be it from me to say anything about any lady, only pro-Germans
is pro-Germans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, provided you can
find it out, and here she was, butting in on a gathering of would-be
Dolly Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, and I wouldn't of
invited her for the world if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But
here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse and so friendly it got
me worried right away. Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white and
blue tights will at once realize what I mean, though nothing but the
tights was ever proved against her. What on earth she wanted with our
committee was very suspicious because why would she ever of taken a
expensive and difficult present like a baby alligator from a German
which she once done, if not pro, her own self?
But time for starting something had sure come, if we was ever to get any
lunch, so I got them all seated and commenced--a little weak in the
knees which it was a good thing I was seated, but strong in the voice,
so as to start the moral right--do you get me?
"Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee," I began, being
determined not to waste no time on formalities, which it has always
seemed to me that on such occasions a lot of gas is used up in them
which would have run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. We
all knew we was the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the
chairman, so why waste words making me it? "Ladies," I says, "I have a
letter from President Wilson asking me to get to work, and so have
formed a committee to sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of War
Savings Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right down and wrote him
I would do it, and here we are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth
of the month the notice is short. Probably he didn't expect us really to
get to work until next month, but personally, myself, I think we should
surprise him by getting the money by Saturday night, which Saturday
night is the first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to discuss how
will we do it. I would be glad to hear ideas, suggestions and etc."
Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes only Ruby put a little
powder on her nose and looked at it critical in her vanity case mirror,
which well she might for Gawd knows she had powder enough on her
already. Then Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared her throat.
"I would be glad to give a recital," she said, swelling up her neatly
upholstered black satin bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. I
presume the Government would hire the theatre for me."
"Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion only not quite
practical. You see it wouldn't be right to ask the Government to pay for
the theater in case it was a wet Monday and only a few came in out of
the rain. Any more ideas?"
The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then.
"Whatever you suggest goes with me, Marie," she says, which was terrible
sweet of her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy than a good
suggestion, which I did not however mention, Blondie being a real fine
Jewish American and a willing worker as I well knew.
"I thought of course it was a benefit we would give," put in Pattie in a
voice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I have a new
patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, at
front center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big about
the center of the programme."
After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully back into her
seat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under the
committee table.
"Well, benefits is always possible," I said, "and of course we could
have it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and
three days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way which
would do your act justice," I says.
"Ah! _cheries!_" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes petites!" she says, whatever
that was. "I have zee gran' idea--perfect! I will make zee speach on zee
steps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and Feeth
Avenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out
'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you--Formez vos
battillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers can
collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!"
She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandest
gestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herself
kidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, not
Ind. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into her
place, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe the
Library wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of a
fine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and of
course Mlle. DuChamps would be more _chic_ and all that, but would she
be let?
"Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for a
minute. "Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seven
thousand five hundred and let it go at that!"
Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spending
a little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it was
Ruby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything,
but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahlia
did it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at the
time.
"That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she says just as sweet, "only
you see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and one
person can't get more," she says.
"Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then," said Ruby, and I could
see very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what would
you expect different after them patriotic tights of hers?
"I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame Broun. "To tell the right
truth I haven't a one. What do you do with them--stick them on the backs
of letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?"
Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman but
more or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out that
Pattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thought
they was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored up
in the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea except
of course it's the truth that most people is boobs, outside of their
own line, more's the pity!