colt, he cum a kickin up his heels amongst the wimmen and children as
crazy as a bed bug. I pushed in close up tu the captin, and he and I and
the rest on 'em rode along afore the sogers as crank as you please. But
the mare, she didn't seem tu like the way they pinted them guns at her,
and once in a while she'd kick up and grow a leetle sarcy, and snort
right in their faces like a tin toot-horn about dinner time. When we'd
got about half way through the sogers--and it seemed as if all creation
had got intu regimentals jest then--the mare she got anxious about the
colt, and sot up a whinner that a'most shook me off from her back. I
tried tu make her git along, but she only bust out in a new spot, dug
her hoofs close tu the ground and backed into the crowd till I got
wrathy as all natur with her; but the more I paid the gad on, the worse
she got, till by-am-by she stood stock still, a shakin her head, a
stompin with her fore foot, and a yellin arter the colt like a lovesick
gal.
The President he was a gitting ahead, and the darn'd coots all around,
begun to larf and poke fun at us, when the colt he cum a scampering
through the trees, and a scattering hull squads of wimmen, and boys, and
babies, every jump, till he ended off in a crazy caper, all around the
mare and me. This pacified the critter, and arter whinnering over the
colt a leetle, she jogged on as meek as a cosset lamb, and the colt he
follered close tu, till I came up with the captin agin, and then he'd
stop every once in a while, and face about, look right into the sogers'
eyes, so arnest, that they couldn't help but bust out a larfin, if the
President and I was a lookin at 'em.
It was about the greatest show that I ever sot eyes on. The Battery is
one of the harnsomest spots on arth, all kivered with grass, and chuck
full of trees, and a hull army of sogers, some in brown regimentals,
some in green, with yaller feathers, and some in red, yaller, blue, and
all sorts of colors, a wheelin round under the trees, was enough to make
a feller proud of his country.
When we got to the gate, which opens at the eend of Broadway, Captin
Tyler he got into a carriage, and wanted me to git in tu, but I was
afeard to leave the mare, and so Robert Tyler, the chap with the yaller
hair, we agreed to hitch tackle, and ride along with one another. A hull
army of sogers with their drums a beating, and colors a flying, went
ahead; Robert Tyler and I, and the colt, and a hull squad of other great
men cum next, and then come on the President with his hat off, and a
bowin to all the winders and stoops as he went along. Wasn't them
winders and ruffs and stoops a sight tu behold! Every square of glass,
and every railing that a critter could hold on to was kivered with
folks. In my hull life, I never see so many harnsome gals. It seemed as
if every man in York, had hung out a sample of his family, for the
fellers to pick and choose from. I swan tu man, if it didn't seem to me
as if all the gals in creation was a swarming round the President and I,
like yaller butterflies round a mud hole, all on 'em anxious for a
smile at one or t'other on us. It made the blood kinder tingle all over
me to feel that hull battery of bright eyes a pouring fire down on us. I
raly don't see how the President stood it! He couldn't, if the crowds of
free born citizens that swarmed every step of the way, layer on layer,
hadn't kept him a shakin hands out of the carriage a'most every step,
till he was clear tuckered out, and a'most wilted down in the carriage,
long afore we got up the _Express_ office. When the news boys see me and
the colt, they sot up a hurra that outdid anything I'd heard since we
come away from the Battery, all the purty gals waved their hankerchers
about, and every winder was jammed full, and all on 'em a lookin
straight at me and Bob Tyler and the colt. So I lifted my right hand
kinder slow, and took off the old bell-crown--I drew in the bridle so as
to make the mare caper about right, and made six bows one arter t'other,
till my forred near about touched the old mare's neck.
They gin me three more cheers of the tallest kind, as they say in York,
but when I looked round, there was Bob Tyler with his hat off, and a
shakin that swad of yaller hair about, jest as if _our_ news boys would
cheer him, or any body else, when _I_ was a goin by!
"That's right, Mr. Slick," sez he, when he see my bell-crown off.
"_Par the President_ must be a'most tired to death, a bowin and a shakin
hands so much, it's quite proper that you and I should do a little on it
for him."
"Wal," think sez I, "if you aint a self-conceited critter, I don't know
who is," but the feller looked as innocent as a lamb, and I was afeard
he'd feel about as sheepish as if I let out on him--so I put my
bell-crown on agin, with a leetle knock at the top, for I had to settle
the grit somehow, and sez I,
"Wal, Mr. Tyler--to git on a new subject--how'll you swap horses?--say
my mare and colt agin that harnsome critter of your'n, saddle and bridle
thrown in?"
The feller kinder smiled, but didn't answer right off, so I jest turned
about, and leaned one hand on the old mare's cropper, while I whistled
the colt up tu us, and pinted out his harnsome head and chist, and the
clean notion that he has got of flingin out his legs.
"He's a smart critter, I can tell you," sez I; "and as for the old mare
here, she's worth her weight in silver dollars. Haint got but one fault
on arth."
"And what's that?" sez Mr. Robert Tyler, sez he.
"Why, she's troubled with the _botts_ a leetle, once in a while, but it
aint nothin worth mentionin."
Mr. Robert Tyler he give a start, and he turned as white as skim milk in
the face. Sez he, all in a twitter, sez he, "Don't mention it, Mr.
Slick. My par, the President, wouldn't let a horse go into his stable
that had ever gin symptoms of the botts. It's an awful disease. Don't
mention it to him, for he'd never git over it if you did!"
"Wal, then, I s'pose we can't trade," sez I. "Think on it agin. Mebby
you'll change your mind to-morrow."
"Hello!" sez I agin. "What's that. Captin Tyler's druv his carriage
right out of the ranks, and is gone fair split down Broome street."
Mr. Robert Tyler he turned his horse, and he and I and the colt took
arter the President full chisel. We cum up with him jest as he was a
gittin out before the Howard Hotel. He was so beat out and tuckered down
that I raly felt sorry for him; for arter all that folks say, I believe
that he's a good hearted old chap, and wants to du the thing that's
about right, if he could only be sartin what it was. He couldn't but
jest hold up his head, and had tu go to the Theatre yit. As I was a
looking at him, a notion cum intu my head, and, sez I--
"Captin, jest put on your hat a minit, and drive down to the sloop--I've
got somethin there that'll make your nose tingle, and chirk you right
up, till you'll be as chipper as a squirrel in the fall time."
Captain Tyler he got right up, and sez he--"I'll do anything on arth
that'll make me feel better." "Mr. Robert," sez I, "tell the gals that
we'll come back right off"--so down we went, I helped the President into
the carriage, and in less than no time we got out and went aboard the
sloop.
Captain Doolittle had gone ashore, and there wasn't nobody aboard but
the leetle nigger. I sent him to the wharf for a pitcher of cold Croton
water, and then I asked the President down into the cabin. It was
cleared out, and swept as neat as a new pin. The table that stood in the
middle of the cabin was scoured off as white as milk, and Captain
Doolittle he'd hung up the checkered curtins that marm made for him,
right over the highest berth, till it looked as temptin as our spare
bed. I gin the Captin a chair, and he sot his hat down on the table,
close by old bell-crown, while I opened a locker and took out a hull
dishfull of doughnuts that marm biled up for me afore I cum away. Just
as I'd sot them on the table, the nigger cum with the cold water. I took
it up tu the locker, and filled in with vinegar and lasses enough to
make it prime switchel, such as marm mixes up for the workin hands since
you took the pledge, par. When I stirred it up well, and took a swig, to
see if it was the rale critter, I got a tumbler, and arter filling one
for the President, I sot down, and sez I--
"Now, Captin, make yourself to hum, and take hold."
He didn't need much urgin, for the switchel was ginuine stuff, sweety
and yet sort of tart, and cool as a cowcumber, and the doughnuts beat
all natur.
The President hadn't eat more than half a dozen, and had his tumbler
filled about as often, afore he begun to chirk up, and look as good as
new agin.
"Mr. Slick," sez he, "this is what I call livin," but my mouth was half
full of a middling-sized doughnut, and I had to wash it down afore I
could answer.
"Help yourself, Captin; don't be afeard--there's enough more where these
cum from," sez I, a swollering the last mouthful.
"Wal, I think I've done purty well," sez he, a stretching hisself up and
putting his hands in his pockets, "I raly begin to feel like myself
agin; that's excellent drink of yourn, aint it, Mr. Slick?"
"Coolin," sez I, "and ruther toothsome; shall I mix another pitcher,
captin?"
"No, not now," sez he, "but I wish you'd write me out a receipt."
"I'll do it," sez I, "and glad of the chance, for darn me if I haint
took a sort of a notion to you; my opinion is that you're a rale ginuine
feller, if them consarned politicians would only let you be; all you
want is a downright honest chap that'll tell you the truth right out,
and that you can trust, he'd be worth a hull bilin of Whigs, or
Loco-focos either."
"But where is he to be found?" sez the President, sort of melancholy.
"Look a here!" sez I, a flingin one arm over the chair and a leaning
t'other elbow on the table; "look a here!"
The President he sot with both hands in his pockets a looking right in
my face for ever so long, and sez he at last, sez he--
"Mr. Slick, will you go back with me to the hotel, and sleep with me
to-night? I want to have some talk with you: of course you'll go with us
to the Park Theatre?"
"With all the pleasure in natur," sez I, "and we'd better be a-goin;
take another swig of the pitcher, captin, and stow away some of the
doughnuts in your pockets, they'll be prime at the Theatre."
The President said he'd eat enough, so as I was a follering up my own
advice, he got up and was a puttin on his gloves, when he see his own
pictur a hanging by Captin Doolittle's berth, and I could see that he
was kinder tickled with it.
"Captin Doolittle aint much of a politician," sez I, "but he bought that
picter because he parsists that it proves you to be the most consistent
President that ever lived, when you veto so many bills."
"How does my face prove that," sez he, looking sort of puzzled.
"Why," sez I, "he sez that a man that runs so ginerally to _nose_ can't
be expected to say yes when he don't want to."
The President he bust right out a larfin, and with that I took old
bell-crown, and arter sending the nigger to put up the mare and colt I
follered on to the hotel; but it's gittin late and I can't write any
more till next week; but mebby you'll hear from me then, for the
President and I went to the Theatre, and slept together, and are as
thick as three in a bed jest now, and if he haint no objections I shall
write all about it, but 'twill be jest as it takes my notion whether I
send it right on or print it.
I send you my pictur and the captin's tu, but it was engraved in a
hurry, and aint nigh on so harnsome as either on us; by-am-by I'll set
for another, and then you'll see a chap worth while a figgering in the
Express agin.
Your dutiful son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XXVII.
JONATHAN SLICK IN NEW YORK.
Jonathan attends the President at the Howard House--Visits the Park Theatre
with the President and his Handsome Girl--Goes with Mr. Robert Tyler to
have his Hair Cut at Clairhugh's--Takes Refreshments with the Ladies at the
Howard House--Bed-chamber Scene with the President--Serenade, &c.
DEAR PAR:
I begin tu feel a leetle sort of better, but nothing to brag on yit. I
raly believe that I'd a been a gone sucker, if it hadn't been for the
mustard plasters and the onions that Captin Doolittle kept a filling
into me, outside and in, till I can a'most feel myself sprouting out
greener than ever, and twice as strong. My gracious! when this ere
influenza does git hold of a feller, it aint a critter that you can
scare off in a hurry. It's the worst kind of a Down East cold, double
and twisted strong; and if you don't humor it like a cosset lamb, jest
as like as not it ups and goes off, stuboy, into a galloping
consumption; and the worst on it is, it carries you off with it, whether
you will or no.
Let me see; I was a telling you about the President, and how he seemed
tu enjoy the doughnuts and switchel aboard the sloop. The old chap took
tu it like a nussin baby, and if he wasn't clear grit, and no mistake,
arter it, I don't know the symptoms of prime living.
Wal, we went back to the Howard Hotel, and the President he jumped out
of the carriage as spry as a kitten, and both on us run up the steps
that open out of Maiden Lane, to git rid of a hull swad of
office-holders that was a hurraing at the front door in Broadway.
The President he took off his hat, and slicked down his hair a leetle in
the entry-way, and I pulled up my dickey a trifle, and hauled out a
corner of my yaller hankercher, and sez I--
"Captin, go ahead, I'm all ready."
We went right intu the harnsomest room that I ever sot eyes on in my
hull life. Nothing that I ever see at the Astor House was a primin to
it. The carpeting was all finefied off, and curlecued with posies, and
green leaves, and morning-glory vines went a twistifying all over it as
nat'ral as life, and all on 'em seemed kinder tangled up and trying to
unsnarl all over the floor, till it raly seemed like treading on a patch
of wild posies, with the moonshine a streamin over it; you would a'most
smell the roses when a feller sot his foot on a bunch on 'em, they were
pictered out so nat'ral and temptin.
The President, he sidled off to one of the cushioned benches, and sot
down right in a swad of the harnsomest of the gals that sot in the room.
They squeezed together tu make room for him, and larfed so good natered,
and looked all in a twitter they was so tickled tu git him among 'em;
and there I was, eenamost alone, a standin up parpindicular, and a
feelin as streaked as a pair of old cotton trousers in washing time.
That pesky harnsome critter that wore the checkered frock aboard the
boat, she got nigh agin the door, so when she see me a standin there,
she pinted with that leetle white hand of her'n, and sez she--
"Why don't you take a seat, Mr. Slick?"
"Wal," sez I, a bowin, "I don't care if I du, jest to oblige you;" so
down I sot, but the cushion give so, that I sprung right up on eend
agin, and when I see it rise up as shiney and smooth as ever, I looked
at her, and sez I--
"Did you ever!"
"It's elastic," sez she, a puckering up her mouth.
"I don't know the name on it," sez I, "but it gives like an old friend,
so I'll try it agin."
"These cushions are very beautiful and pleasant," sez she.
"Yes," sez I, a spreadin my hankercher over the cushion and a settin
down, "they're as soft and blue as them tarnal sweet eyes of your'n, but
not half so bright."
She kinder larfed a leetle cozy, and begun tu play with a tossel that
hung to a corner of her seat, and then she went to talkin with the fat
woman that sot t'other side, like all possessed--the darned tanterlizin
varmint.
The President he was as chipper as a blackbird, with the gals around him
a smiling and a twitterin as tickled as so many trout round a bait. It
raly made my dander rise tu see it, and me a settin there as lonesome as
git out. There, jest afore me on the wall, was great smashin pictur,--a
rale pen of gold, with a man and a woman a huggin and kissin, and a
lookin into each other's eyes, right in the middle on it,--as if there
wasn't enough rale live temptin critters to rile a feller up without
tanterlizin him with picturs tu.
I say, par, did you ever see a checkered adder a charmin a bird, with
his head stuck up in the sun, and kinder slanted a one side,--his mouth
wide open, and that are leetle forked tongue a tremblin in the middle on
it, as if it was sot to dancin by that lazy hum, hum, hum, that comes
etarnally a bilin up from the pison critter's throat? Haint you never
observed the purty bird, half scared tu death, and yit a flutterin
closer and closer to the varmint, till by-am-by, she lights right in his
jaw, and lies a twitterin there while he's a swallerin it hull? Wal,
par, jest take away the pison, and you've some idee how I and old
bell-crown come the soft sodder round that gal; but I didn't want to git
her to hankering arter me tu much, for nothin on arth is so likely to
cure a chap of a love-sick fit, as to see the gal a gittin tu strong a
notion arter him; so I gin my fingers another snap, to change the tune,
and tapered of into Old Hundred with a touch of Greenbank, and that
froze her down, eyes, feet and all, in less than no time.
The Theatre was chuck full of folks, and the minit we went in, the hull
bilin on 'em got up and begun to fling their hats about and yell agin
like all possessed. I tell you what, par, these ere Yorkers are nigh
about tickled tu death to think that I've cum back agin. The President
and I, we both got up and laid our hands aginst our vest pockets on the
left side, and then we begun tu grin like two whipporwills in a black
alder bush, and sot tu bowin and rollin up our eyes, till they went at
it a consarned sight more fearce than ever. Arter they begun to cool
down a trifle, the President and I, we sot down on one of the front
benches; so I jest gin the harnsome gal a wink to set down close tu
t'other side, and then the hull on 'em begun tu pile in, till we cut
about as harnsome a dash as a'most anybody need tu see.
The mayor, he was a goin tu set down by the President, but when he see
me, of course he gin away, and sot on t'other seat.
Jest then the curtain cum down ca-chunk, and the folks all riz and gin
me three cheers that made the blood bile in my heart like maple sap in a
sugar kittle. Then a leetle, lank, office-seekin chap sticks hisself up
in the back seats, and yelled out, "Three cheers for the President."
But lord a marcy, cheers aint to be hauled out of a crowd of free-born
citizens like fish from a mill pond. Two or three mean looking shotes
like him squealed out "Hurra!" but that bait wasn't temptin enough for
known fish. I didn't want to make the President feel bad, nor jealous,
nor nothin, so I jest gin old bell-crown a whirl, and hollered out,
"Three cheers for _my_ friend, the captin."
Gaury, didn't they let into it then! the ruff with all its picturs and
curlecues seemed a liftin right up from the walls, hats and hankerchers
streamed out; and sich a blast of human thunder aint heerd every night
at the Park Theatre.
"That'll du," sez I, a sinkin old bell-crown, and letting myself off in
a bow like an iled jack-knife. "That'll du. Now, captin, I guess we'd
better go hum."
"But I've got to go to the Chatham Theatre yit," sez the President, a
takin up his hat. "The Democracy, the Democracy, you know, Mr. Slick,
that must be our fust consideration."
"You aint a goin, Mr. Slick?" sez the harnsome gal, a lookin with them
two eyes right into mine, and a clinchin them ere white fingers over the
edge of old bell crown.
"I ruther guess not," sez I, a droppin my yaller hankercher over that
pesky white hand, for it looked so temptin that I was afeard the
President would want to git hold on it, and somehow a President al'ers
does purty much as he's a mind to with the gals, except now and then one
that's got a right idee of her place.
"Wal," sez I, "captin, if you're detarmined to tackle in with that
arnimal that you jest mentioned, make up your mind to cut your own
fodder. I go for human natur in gineral--the best part of natur I take
to be the wimmen folks--so, if you'd jest as lives, I'll stay and go hum
with the gals."
With that, Captin Tyler and the mayor, and the chaps with the silk
rosies went off; but Robert Tyler and I jest hitched ontu the wimmen
critters, and took them hum to the Howard Hotel. The landlord, he sent
us some drink that was enough to make your eyes water, besides a great
dish of pine-apples sliced up, sugared off and with wine poured all over
'em, that he sot right under the glass dish full of fire, where they lay
yaller and shiny enough to tempt a tee-totaler to break his pledge. The
wimmen they all drawed up round the table, and while they were laying
into the eatables and drinkables, I jest sidled round to the harnsome
gal and took one of marm's doughnuts out of my pocket, and I slid it
into her hand. I gin her a wink, and, sez I,
"Keep dark, I don't want tu be mean, nor nothin; I haint got enough to
go all round."
She was so tickled that she turned red all over, and eenamost larfed
out; but she took the hint and rolled the doughnut up in her hankercher,
not to make the rest jealous.
Jest then, I slipped out and run down tu the sloop, for I felt a dry
agin, and them pine-apples made me feel sort of womble-cropped about the
stomach.
Your dutiful son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XXVIII.
JONATHAN SLICK IN NEW YORK.
Jonathan goes to see Mr. Macready--Description of the
Theatre--Introduces himself to a Handsome Girl at the Theatre--Enters
into a Flirtation--Promises to Visit her--Jonathan takes a Novel Method
of providing himself with a Fashionable Dress--Quarrels with Captain
Doolittle--Is reconciled, and starts off to make a Morning Call on the
Handsome Girl.
DEAR PAR:
Here I am agin, safe and sound, large as life, and chipper as a
grasshopper on a high rock in a sunshiny day. I tell you what, a few
ginuine huskings to hum, with purty gals to put the music in a feller's
elbows, as he strips the husks off from the corn, is jest the sort of
occasions to put the grit into a feller from top to toe--jest top them
off with an apple cut or so, sich as we had to our house when you and
marm cut about amongst the gals and the young chaps, like two spring
colts jest let out to grass; and taper the hull off with a week sich as
I had a ropin onions with Judy White, with her pesky red pouters a one
side, and two or three prim Weathersfield gals on t'other a turning
their good natured eyes at a feller every string, till his heart is a
cuttin pigeon wings agin his ribs to the music of their larf--jest let a
chap get used to that sort o'pastur, and consarn me, if it don't do more
towards making a ginuine man of him than a hull etarnity of York life,
where every other man and gal you meet have got their hearts so tarnally
used up, that they have to lean agin their back bones to rest more than
half the time, and likely as not get sound to sleep at that.
The old sloop jest hit the nail on the head, and hauled into Peck Slip
the night arter Mr. Macready, a smashin actor from the old country, got
to the Park Theatre, where he's been a acting out things that'd make
your hair stand right up an eend eenajest to see it. I tell you what,
he's a hull team and a horse to let--no mistake in that.
Did you ever see a race horse up on eend for a run, with his neck curled
over like an ox bow, and his skin shinen like a junk bottle? Did you
ever look into the critter's eyes, and see the fire dancing through the
black?--arnimal lightning, every darned spark on it. If you've seen that
are, then you've got some idee of the allfired smashin critter that my
arm was eenamost girting afore I took a squint at her face.