was in the entry way, for clear on t'other eend of the room was a long
pen chuck full and running over with fiddlers, base drums, and great
brass horns, all pulling and blowing and thumping away like all natur;
didn't they send out the music!--never on arth did I hear any thing like
it! It made me choke and sigh and ketch my breath like a dying hen; and
all I could du, my feet would keep going over the steps, and my yaller
gloves seemed as if they never would git still agin, they kept so busy a
beating time on the leg of my new trousers. Jest over the pen where the
fiddlers sot, hung a great picter as big as the side of a house. I
thought of what you said about theatres being filled with picters of the
devil's own painting; but I couldn't make up my mind that that was one
on 'em, for it was so green and cold, and a pale man, pictered out on a
heap of stuns in the middle on it, looked as shivery as if he'd had a
fit of the fever and ague--besides there was water painted out, and
every body knows that Old Scratch aint tee-total enough to paint a
picter chuck full of clouds and water and sich like, without one spark
of fire to make him feel to hum in his own premises.
By-am-by sich sights of the people, all dressed off as if they were a
going to a general training ball, kept a pouring in through the leetle
doors in the galleries till the seats were all chuck full; such a
glistening of harnsome eyes and feathers, and flowers, I never did see.
A purty leetle gal cum and sot close down by me, and now and then I took
a slanting squint at her; by hokey, she was a slick leetle critter, with
the consarnedest soft eyes I ever looked into.
I wonder what on arth is the reason that I can't sit down by a harnsome
gal, but my heart will begin to flounder about like a fish jest arter
he's hooked. Think, sez I, if there's any dancing a going on to-night,
darn me if I don't shin up to that gal for a partner. But, where on arth
the folks were a going tu find a place to dance in I couldn't make out,
for in the hull building there warn't room enough tu hang up a flax-seed
edgeways.
I was jest a going tu ask cousin John about it, when the fiddles pulled
up a minit, and all tu once that great picter give a twitch, and up it
went like a streak of chalk, into the ruff, or the Lord knows where. I
jumped right on eend, I was so struck with what I see.
Clear back where the curtain had been was a purty little garden, as
nat'ral as one of our onion patches. It was chuck full of trees and
flowers, and a snug leetle house stood on one side; clear back, jest
under the edge of the sky, lay the soft water, looking as blue and still
as could be. What to make on it I couldn't tell; it warn't like a
picter, and yet I couldn't think how on arth there could be room enough
tu have sich a place near the theatre. While I sot there a bending
for'ard with one of my yaller gloves pressed down on each knee, and
staring like a stuck pig with my mouth a leetle open, a lot of folks
dressed off in short jackets and trousers cut off at the knees, come a
dancing out of the house, and begun tu talk all at once, and chatter and
laugh together as chipper as a flock of birds. They seemed as happy as
clams in high water; and the fellers skipped and hung round the gals
like good fellers.
But the gals were dressed out too bad. I'll be darned if some of 'em
didn't make me feel streaked, their frocks were so short. They didn't
seem tu make no bones of showing their legs half-way tu their knees. I
swanny if I wasn't ashamed of the purty gal that sot by me. Think sez I,
if she don't blush and feel all overish I'm mistaken. Arter a while, I
give her a slantidicular squint, but she sot as still as a kitten, and
looking as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, but was a staring right
straight at the garden without seeming to mind the gals' legs a bit more
than if they had been so many broom sticks.
It warn't a great while afore I didn't seem to mind it much either, for
a little old comical looking chap come out in front of the garden, and
begun to chatter and larf, and fling his arms about every which way, and
to tell about some young gal that was a going to be married. Madeline,
he called her.
Wal, while he was a talking, a feller, all in red regimentals, come
round the house, as big as my pussey cousin, with a set of letters in
his hand, and blowing a tin toot-horn, as if he wanted us all tu come tu
dinner. He turned to be a sort of post-rider, with letters; he give one
to the funny old chap that owned the house, but it only had another
letter in it, and that was for the gal that was a going tu be married.
I begun to feel awful curious tu see that gal, arter hearing them talk
about her so much; but the post-office feller cut up his shines, and
ordered the folks about as obstroperous as my pussey cousin; a prime
chap he was--and I took a sort of a notion to him, he acted out so
slick.
By-am-by in come the purtyest looking critter that ever I did see; she
walked and sidled through the garden like a bird among the green trees,
and her voice sounded so funny when she spoke; she kinder cut her words
off, and lisped 'em out so sweet, that every word sounded chuck full of
honey. I swan it made my heart rise right up in my mouth every time she
spoke. She had tarnal harnsome eyes, as bright as the biggest star in
the gill-dipper, and I could almost tell what she was a saying by the
cut of her face; I never did see a critter look so happy. She had the
cunningest leetle white hat that I ever did see, stuck on one side of
her head, with blue ribbons streaming from it over her shoulders; on
t'other side her long shiny curls hung down on her shoulders, and a
harnsome white rose was stuck in them back of her ear; but it didn't
seem much whiter than her forehead and neck, for they were as white as
the froth on a pail of new milk afore it is strained. She had on a blue
silk frock, cut off a leetle too short at the bottom, for my notion, and
her cunning leetle feet raly cut about in them new shoes a leetle _too_
spry; I never did see anything so subtle as she was in my life.
The minit she came into the garden, all the folks in the galleries, and
on the seats below, begun to stomp, and yell, and holler, till I was
afeard that I made a mistake, and got into a political meeting agin. She
began to curchy, and lay her hand on her bosom, and curchy agin, all the
while a looking so sweet and mealy-mouthed that I wanted to eat her
hull, I swow I did. Arter a while they begun to get tired of making sich
etarnal coots of themselves, and then she begun to go round among the
folks in the garden, and give them presents, because she was a going to
git married in the morning, tu a rich gentleman that lived close by.
All tu once the comical old chap called "Madeline!" and give her the
letter the post-rider had brought for her.
Arter she'd gone into the house, he begun to tell the folks all about
her--how she was a poor leetle French gal that he'd undertook tu bring
up and keep out of harm, when everybody in her country was afeard of
their lives--and how she'd got a brother yet in France, whose life
wouldn't be worth four-pence-half-penny if he should once set foot over
in England; for they made believe that all this garden and things was a
going on in England.
Wal, arter they'd all gone in, out come Madeline agin with the letter in
her hand. I swanny, but I couldn't help but feel for the poor critter.
She looked as if she'd been crying her eyes out, but she kept a kissing
the letter and reading it sort of loud, and a crying all the time, so
that we all found out it come from her brother, and that he was a coming
tu take her away with him in the morning; and it seemed to make her feel
bad because he didn't know that she was a going to be married then. When
she'd read her letter through, she went into the house agin, looking as
peaked and wamble-cropped as a sick lamb.
When the picter was rolled up agin, the garden was all gone, and there
sot the purty leetle Madeline in a room with a chest open by her filled
with wimmen's clothing, and there was a rale harnsome young feller a
standing by her that she seemed so fond of, and that she called her
brother.
While they were talking together, and afore she had time to tell him she
was a going to be married, there was an allfired noise outside of the
door, and you never see a cat jump up spryer than she did. She turned as
white as a sheet, and wrung her leetle hands, and seemed more than half
crazy, for she said the officers had cum arter her brother to hang him
for a spy. She hugged him one minit, and then she'd wring her hands, and
look round so anxious for some place to hide him in. At last she run to
the chest, pulled all the clothes out on it, and made him git in
there--she put them all back agin, and kivered it over with a great red
shawl. She hadn't but jest sot down and took up her sewing work, when a
great etarnal coot of a feller, that made my blood bile every time I
looked at him, cum into the room along with another feller, and begun to
sarch arter the poor young chap that she'd hid away.
We could see that the poor gal was eenamost scared out of her senses,
for she turned as white as a ghost--but she cocked one foot over
t'other, and went on a sewing as fast as could be. I swanny, it made me
wrathy tu hear the varmint how he run on agin the poor gal. I never did
see sich wicked eyes as hisen were in my life, nor sich a ragged drunken
looking shark; it made my grit rise every time he looked towards that
sweet gal.
The officer couldn't find nobody, and wanted to go hum, but the tall
shack went up to the chest, and begun to poke about among the clothes,
and asked what she'd got there. She looked as if she would go off the
handle at that; but she didn't give up. Arter a minit she jumped up and
took up a gown and showed it to the officer, and then she took up a
shawl and told him it was her wedding shawl, and she began to run on and
smile, and talk so coaxing, and spread out the shawl all the time, till
the young feller in the chest crept out and got into another room, while
she held the shawl afore him. They went off grumbling, and consarnedly
wamble-cropped, for a reward had been offered for the purty French gal's
brother, and the etarnal scamp meant tu git his revenge on her and
money tu boot.
I was a looking steady into the room, when all tu once it slid away, and
there was the garden agin, and the outside of the house, and it was dark
as midnight among the bushes. By-am-by out came the ragged scamp and
stood jest under the poor French gal's winder, to see what was a going
on, and while he was there, the good-hearted chap, that she was a going
tu be married tu, came along tu look at her winder, as fellers will when
they are over head and ears in luv.
Then the French gal cum to the winder, and the young feller that she'd
been a hiding away, jumped out, and she put his cloak on and hugged him
as if her heart was eenamost ready to bust. When she see her brother
clear off she went back tu bed, but the squire and the ragged scamp had
seen her, and sich a row as it kicked up never was heard on afore.
In a little while there was sich a hubbub in the garden; all the wimmen
that she'd gin presents tu, got together, and begun to run out agin her,
and saying that they always thought she was no better than she ought tu
be. The squire said he wouldn't marry her, and the tarnal old man turned
her out of doors.
I thought I should a boo-hooed right out, when I see her cum out of the
door with a bundle in her hand, a crying as if she hadn't a friend on
arth. She was a going away so slow and sorrowful, when the squire cum up
and offered her some money, for he seemed tu feel sorry for her, though
he thought she'd been a cheating him.
She looked at him so still, and yit so proud, as if her heart was brim
full of grief, but she wouldn't take his money. At last he told her that
the man she'd had was took prisoner. Oh, how she did take on then! She
wrung her hands, and sobbed, and cried enough tu make one feel
wamble-cropped to see her, and she said now that her character was gone
and her brother taken, that she wanted to die.
The squire felt dreadfully when he found out that the man was her
brother. So he made up with her, and she got on tu a horse and rode off
full chisel tu get her brother's pardon.
By-am-by she got back with the pardon for her brother, and there was
such crying and kissing and shaking hands, as you never heard on. I
bellered right out a crying, I was so allfired glad tu see the poor gal
happy once more.
Wal, by-am-by, a bell tinkled; the picter rolled up agin and the
fiddlers begun to put on elbow grease till the music came out slick
enough. Instead of the garden there was a long ball-room with rows of
great shiney pillars running all through it. It was as light as day, for
there seemed to be candles out of sight among the pillars, besides a row
of lamps that stood along the pen where the musicianers sot. I was
staring with all the eyes I had in my head, when the harnsomest critter
I ever sot eyes on cum flying into the middle of the room, and there she
stood on one foot with her arms held out and her face turned towards us,
looking as bold, and smiling as soft as if she'd never done nothing else
all her life. I was so scared when she fust sprung in, that I raly
didn't know which een my head was on. The darned critter was more than
half naked--she was, by golley! To save my life I couldn't look at her
right straight with that blue-eyed gal a setting close by me. At fust I
was so struck up that I couldn't see nothing but an allfired harnsome
face a smiling from under a wreath of flowers, and naked legs and arms
and neck, a flying round like a live wind-mill. I thought I should go
off the handle at fust--I felt sort of dizzy, and as if I was blushing
all over. I don't think I ever was in such an etarnal twitter in my hull
life. I partly got up tu go out, and then I sot down agin as streaked as
lean pork, and kivered my face with my yaller gloves, but somehow I
couldn't hold my hands still all I could du--the fingers would git
apart, so that I couldn't help but look through them at that plaguey,
darned harnsome, undecent critter, as she jumped and whirled and
stretched her naked arms out toward us, and stood a smiling and coaxing
and looking tu the fellers. It was enough to make a feller cuss his
mother because she was a woman; but I'll be darned if there ever was a
feller on arth that could help looking at the critter.
I've seen a bird charmed by a black snake, but it was nothing tu
this--not a priming. One minute she'd kinder flutter round the room
softly and still like a bird that's jest beginning tu fly, then she'd
stand on one foot and twinkle t'other out and in against the ankle so
swift you couldn't but jest see it. Then she'd hop for'ard and twist her
arms up on her bosom, and stick one leg out behind her, and stand on one
toe for ever so long, till all on us had had a fair sight on her that
way. Then she'd take another hop and pint her right toe forward, and
lift it higher, till by-am-by round she'd go like a top, with her leg
stuck out straight and whirling round and round like the spoke of a
broken waggin with a foot tu it. It raly did beat all that I ever did
see. When she stood up straight, her white frock was all sprigged off
with silver, and it looked like a cloud of snow, but it didn't reach
half way down tu her knees, and stuck out dreadfully behind. I hadn't
dared to unkiver my face yet, and was sort of trembling all over in a
dreadful pucker, wondering what on arth she meant tu do next, when she
give a whirl, kissed her hand, and hopped away as spry as a cricket,
jest as she came in.
I swan, if I didn't think I never should breathe straight agin; I raly
wouldn't a looked in that purty blue-eyed gal's face for anything; but
somehow I happened tu squint that way, for I felt kinder anxious tu see
how red a gal could blush, and there she sot a smiling and a looking as
she raly liked the fun. She was whispering to a young feller that sot
t'other side, and sez she--
"Aint it beautiful! Oh! I hope they'll call her back!"
"She will come, I dare say," sez the feller a larfin, and beginning to
stomp and clap hands with the rest on 'em that were a yelling and
hooting like all possessed. "Celeste treats the Americans very much as a
lover does his lady."
"How so?" sez the gal, looking sort of puzzled.
"Why, she can't leave them without coming back again and again to take
_farewell_!" sez he, a larfin; "but here she comes!"
True as a book, there she did cum, and begun tu sidle and whirl, and cut
up her crancums all over agin. By leetle and leetle I let my hands slide
down from my face, and when she give her prime whirl and stuck out her
toe the last time, I sot a staring right straight at her, so astonished
I couldn't set still, for as true as you live, the nice, leetle French
gal that was so sweet and modest, and the bold, beautiful critter with
her foot out, her arms a wavering around her head, and her mouth jest
open enough tu show her teeth, was the same individual critter, and both
on 'em were Madame Celeste.
I went hum. But I'll be choked if them legs and arms, and that frock
with the flowers over it didn't whirl round in my head all night, and
they ain't fairly out yit.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XII.
Jonathan receives an Invitation to a Fancy Ball--Dilemma about the
Dress--Choice of a Character, &c.
DEAR PAR:
I du think this ere trade of writing is about the darndest bisness that
a feller ever took to. The minit a man begins tu git his name up here in
York, the way the gals du haul him over the coals is a sin to Crocket,
as they say down here. They talk about the Yankees having a nack of
cheating people out of their eye teeth. By gracious! if the York folks
don't know how to hold up ther end of the yoke at that trade, I'm a
coot, that's all. They may take my grinders and welcome, but I'll be
darn'd if I give up my Christian name, without making an all-fired
rumpus about it. I can't go down Cherry-street now without somebody's
stopping me to find out who writes my letters, jest as if I didn't write
'em myself. Some on 'em seem to think it's a Portland chap, an allfired
smart critter, that come from down East, and that's been a writing a
capital history of the war down on the territory that haint got no
boundary; and people keep a coming to the Express office every once in a
while, to find out if Major Jack Downing don't write 'em and sign my
name. I should like to ketch him at it once! Let him or any other chap
put my name to any thing that I don't write, and if I don't lick him
within an inch of his life, then he may steal my name and welcome.
Now, jest to git the York people out of the etarnal twitter that
they're in to find out who writes my letters, I've made up my mind to
tell 'em here, in one of my letters; and if I don't tell 'em the truth,
I hope I may be hung and choked to death, so there!
In the first place, I aint intimate with Major Jack Downing, and never
sot eyes on him in my life, till t'other night at "the Grand Fancy
Ball," as they call it. He's a smart chap, but I'll be darned if he ever
writ a word of one of my letters in his life,--and more than all that,
he don't know me from Adam; no more does the Portland chap, or any of
the rest on 'em,--and I du think it's allfired hard, if I can't have the
credit of writing letters on my own hook, and nobody's else. Now these
two chaps are prime fellers, and old hands at the bisness; but I never
tried my hand at writing a letter in my hull life, till I sent the fust
one to the Express--and that I put my name tu as large as life. Neither
the Portland Major Jack Downing, nor the New York Major Jack Downing,
nor our Sam, nor nobody else, has a finger in my dish; but all the
letters that has my name and picter to 'em are writ by me.
****************************
* *
* MR JONATHAN SLICK ESQ. *
* *
* CHERRY STREET *
* *
****************************
That's my card! as they say at the theatre,--and now I hope the Yorkers
wont pester me any more, to know who I am.
Arter going to the Park Theatre t'other night, I begun to feel sort of
dissatisfied with the carryings on in this place, and I eenamost made up
my mind to come back to Weathersfield and stick to the old business for
life. Somehow I couldn't git them naked legs and arms, and so on, of
Marm-sel Celeste out of my head,--and I couldn't help feeling awful
streaked when I thought of them in the day-light. Sich sights aint fit
for any thing but candle-light, and then a feller must be half corned
before he can see them without feeling ashamed of all womankind.
I du think, when a chap begins to have a bad opinion of the wimmin
folks, it's a sign that there is something out of the way in his own
heart; but it comes tough to keep a feller's heart in the right place,
while sich sweet, purty, indecent critters as that Celeste, are a
kicking up their heels and flinging all sorts of queer ideas into his
mind. Arter seeing her flurish her white short gown, without petticoat,
afore all them folks, I begun to hate the gals like pison; it seemed to
me as if they warn't made for men's wives, or tu be mothers and
sister's. It was a hull week afore I could make up my mind to go out of
my office, and the sight of a furbelow raly made me sick. I began to
rale out agin all the feminine gender like all natur.
Wal, one morning I got up, and sat down by the stove, with my legs
stretched out, and my hands fingering the loose coppers in my trousers'
pocket, when Cousin John come in, looking as tickled as a puppy dog.
"See here, Jonathan," sez he, "I've got an invitation, for you to go to
a fancy ball to-night, clear up town, so I've come to see what you'll
wear, and all about it."
"Wal," sez I, kinder melancholy, "I've got eenamost tired of sich
things; it raly don't seem to agree with me frolicking so much, but I
suppose I may as well go."
"Wal," sez cousin, "what do you mean to wear?"
"What du I mean tu wear?" sez I, "why, my new clothes sartinly: I ruther
guess all the shine haint worn off from them yit, by a great sight."
"Yes," sez he, "but you must go in character to this ball."
"Look a here, cousin," sez I, a rilin up a leetle, "I don't know as
you've ever seen me go to any place that was out of character yit, so
you needn't say that."
John, he colored up and larfed a leetle, and sez he, "Don't git wrothy,
Jonathan--I didn't mean nothing, but the fact is, it will be best for
you to dress in something a leetle different to your common clothes.
Supposing you dress like a Turk?"
"What! like one of them chaps that keep a hull caravan of wives shut up
in their housen?" sez I. "I'm much obligated to you for the idee--but
I'd a leetle ruther not. I'd jest as lives go to sleep and dream I was a
gad fly in a black hornet's nest."
"Wal," sez he, "supposin you let me dress you up like an Injun--how
would you like that? I'll dress Mary up like a squaw, and you can walk
in together."
"Why," sez I, sort of puzzled to find out what he was at, "I'd ruther be
an Injun any day than be one of them tarnal Turky fellers; but what will
the folks think of us if we come fixed out so? I should feel as streaked
as a piece of ribbongrass, I'm sartin."
"Oh, never mind that, they'll be glad to have you come like an Injun;
you don't know what a sight of folks are a going. There'll be Kings and
Queens, nuns, Scotch ladies, Englishmen, and women born two hundred
years ago, and all sorts of people."
"Gracious gaully how you talk!" sez I, all in amaze, for he seemed as
arnest as an ox team.--"Why, they haint sent invites over the water,
have they?"
"You'll see," sez John, a larfin a leetle easy, and rubbing his hands.
"But I want a favor,--wont you lend me them old clothes of yours to go
in?"
"What, old blue, with the shiney buttons, and the pepper and salt
trousers!" sez I. "Wal now, I'd jest as lives you had 'em as not? but
raly if you want to slick up, hadn't you better take the new fix, it'll
look a good deal more scrumptious?"
"No," sez he, "I want them that your picter was took in, they're jest
the thing."
"They'll fit you to a notch," sez I. "The trousers may be a leetle too
short, but I can get the gallus buttons sot on strong, and the pockets
are nation handy."
"Do," sez he, "and I'll git your dress. Come up to our house, and, we'll
all start together."
With that John he went away, and I sot down all in a flustration to try
and make out what he wanted me to fix up like a born Injun for; but the
more I tho't the more I got in a pucker about it, so I jest give it up,
and stopped thinking about it as much as I could.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XIII.