Injun, and Cousin Beebe in the character of Jonathan--Cousin Mary as
Jonathan's Squaw--Jonathan among Kings and Queens, Spaniards, Turks and
Jews--Jonathan meets his pussey Cousin in the character of a
Turk--Jonathan cuts his pussey Cousin.
DEAR PAR:
Wal, Thursday, jest afore dark, I bundled up old blue, and the pepper
and salt trousers, and pulled foot for Cousin Beebe's as chirk as a
grass-hopper. The nigger set me in and took me up stairs to a little
room, where John was sittin in a great chair, with the tarnationest heap
of feathers and things about him that ever you did see. He jumped up as
soon as he saw me with the bundle under my arm, and sez he--
"Come, hurry now and get off your things, I want to paint you." With
that he come along with a saucer of red stuff, and begun to stir it up
mighty savage.
Wal, think sez I, that don't look over inviting--but I s'pose I may as
well die for an old sheep as a lamb; so I took off my coat, and
unbuckled my stock, and let him brush away. Didn't he snake on the paint
though! Think sez I, I don't know how I shall feel--but if I don't look
streaked, it wont be the fault of this ere leetle brush any how. Arter a
while he begun to ri-bob-skew my hair up on the top of my head; I raly
couldn't but jest wink, he drew it so tight; but I grinn'd and bore it
as well as I could. By-am-by he made me put on a red shirt, and sich a
heap of nigger gimcracks as would've made you larf only jest to look at.
When he'd tied, and pinned, and stuck on all the feathers he could find,
he told me to get up and look in the glass. Gauly-oppalus--what a darn'd
lookin critter I was! I raly thought I should a bust, I larfed so; my
hair was all girt on the top of my head, and a hull grist of red
feathers stuck into it every which way, till my head looked like an
allfired great beet, a running to seed--my face was painted a sort of a
brick color, with two or three streaks of black and yaller, to make it
look lively; I had on a sort of a leather nightgown, without any
sleeves--all fringed off with beads, and feathers, and quills, that made
a noise every time I moved, like the loose ice rattling off a tree arter
a freezing rain; besides the legs of a pair of leather trousers, that
only come up to my knees, but they were fringed and finefied off to
kill, I can tell you. The shoes were smashers, though they sot to my
feet as slick as a biscuit, and felt as soft as a silk weed pod. You
never saw anything worked off so--purty leetle shiney beads glistened
all over with them, and they were kivered all over with flowers, and
spangled off with silver, till they took the shine off eenamost anything
I ever did see.
I don't know what got into me, but the minit I got the Injun toggery on,
I begun to feel as subtle and slimpsey as an eel, and the way I
flourished about and kicked up my heels, beat Miss Celeste all to
nothing. I raly thought Cousin John would a died a larfin. "Look a
here," sez he, "don't kick up a pow-wow till you get to the ball. Did
you ever see a rale full-blooded Injun?"
"I ruther surmise so," sez I.
"Wal," sez he, "du you think you can act one out?"
"Can't I! Look a here--don't I du it as slick as a whistle?" sez I, and
with that I looked as savage as a meat-axe, and begun to strut up and
down the room like a turkey-gobbler on the sunny side of a barn-yard.
"That'll du," sez John; "now you must have some medicine."
"I'll bet a copper I don't, though," sez I; "I despise all kinds of
doctor-stuff, and if you git any o' your rhubarb, or calomel, or
Brandreth's pills down me I'll lose my guess."
Here John went off the handle agin, like a broken coffee mill, and the
way he did tee-hee was enough to make a feller's dander rise.
"Look a here," sez I, a walking straight up to him, "you needn't larf,
nor try to come your soft sodder over me. I don't believe its the
fashion to take pills here in York, afore a chap goes to a ball; and I
won't do it. There now, I've sot down my foot."
It was a good while afore John could ketch his breath; but arter all he
gin up--and, sez he, "Here, you haint no objections to carrying this
thing, and calling it medicine, have you?"
"Not the least in natur," sez I,--and with that I took a sort of a young
woodchuck skin, stuffed out till it looked nat'ral as life, and I tucked
it under my arm, and went down stairs to see how Cousin Mary looked.
As sure as a gun there she sot all dressed out to kill--her hair was
braided in great long tails, and all hung over with silver and gold, and
leetle bunches of red feathers. A row of short red and yaller and blue
feathers went round her head, and was twisted together on one side, with
a gold cord that had two long tossels made out of gold and leetle shiney
beads, that hung glistening over her shoulder as bright as a handful of
ripe currents, when the sun strikes 'em.
I swow, but Mary did make a purty leetle squaw--her frock was made out
of the whitest leather you ever did see, and was kinder like my
no-sleeved coat, only a great deal harnsomer and hull all round. It
didn't come clear down to her feet and that tarnal leetle foot and ankle
of her'n did cut a swath in the leetle glistening shoes and them
figgered silk stockings. It raly made me ketch my breath to look at her,
she was so consarned harnsome. I thought I should a bust when cousin
Beebe came into the room in my old blue coat and pepper and salts, with
his hat stuck on the back of his head, and his hands in his pockets. It
was me all over, cow-hide boots, red hankercher and all.
By-am-by the nigger come in and said that the carriage was at the door,
so we all up and got into it about the quickest, and off we driv full
split up town, till we come to a whopper of a house clear up to
Seventeenth street. When we got eenamost there, the horses couldn't but
jest git along, there was sich a grist of carriages streaking it one
arter another toward the house. They put me in mind of a string of
onions jest broke loose, they were so tarnal thick.
Arter a good while we driv chuck up to the stun walk that had a lot of
tow sheets stretched out over it to keep folks dry, and went right
straight up to the stoop, where a couple of spruce-looking chaps with
red ribbons stuck in their button holes, come up and took us through a
great long entry way, where the lights eenamost dazzled a feller's eyes,
to a sort of a twistified pair of stairs.
I kinder wanted to stop by a stun table, sot off in the back part of the
entry way, and take a swig of punch, but I hadn't time to git a hull
swaller afore John and Mary were half way up stairs, so I pulled foot
and went arter 'em sort of wamblecropped at having to choke off from the
punch, for it was the rale critter, I can tell you.
Mary she went into a great harnsome room, chuck full, and running over
with gals, for I took a sly peak through the door as she went in, jest
to see what was a going on; and then Cousin Beebe and I went into
another room, and walked round till she cum out agin. Down we went
through the entry way till we come to a door at the further eend.
"Why don't you give Mary your arm?" sez John to me, jest as I was
walking along toward the door.
"If I'm to play Injun to-night," sez I, "I'll do it according to my own
notion if you'd jest as livs. I never see an Injun and squaw a hooking
arms yet,--so cousin Mary may jest walk behind me, if she aint too stuck
up."
With that I tucked the woodchuck under my arm, and walked right straight
ahead as stiff as a crowbar. Gracious me! what a smasher of a room we
went into--it was all set off with yaller and blue settees and benches,
and every sich thing, eenamost as slick as my pussey cousin's room, and
the darndest set of critters were a dancing and a sidling about that
ever I did see. There warn't no carpet on the boards, and if they'd a
been a mind tu, they might have shinned it down about right, but instead
of that they went curchying and scooting about, jest like so many tom
tits on the bank of a river. It raly made my grit rise to see a set of
folks come from all the four quarters of the globe, to a party, that
didn't know how to dance an eight reel or munny-muss as it ought to be
done. They didn't seem to mind us when we went in, or else I should a
felt awful streaked a standing up there like a darned Injun, with Mary
by me. I felt sartin of not being known, and so I kept a purty stiff
upper lip, and looked on jest to see how foreign gentry acted when they
were tu hum. There was a swad of tarnal harnsome wimmen in the middle of
the room curchying and twistifying and wriggling about one another, and
making believe dance like all natur. But, oh forever! how they were
dressed out! One on 'em had on a great long black silk cloak, with
sleeves to it, and a sort of white bib hanging down before, for fear
she'd spill the wine and sweet sarce on to her dress when she eat, I
s'pose, and she looked sort a like a nice harnsome chap, and sort a like
a gal, kinder half and half, like a fence politician. There was a gal
close by her dressed out to kill; her shoes were tied on with red
ribbons, over a leetle stuck up foot, that looked good enough to eat;
and she had on three open dresses, one over t'other, made out of white
silk and thin shiny stuff, bound and trimmed off with strips of gold;
the sleeves hung down like a feller's shirt, but there warn't no
ristband to 'em, and they hung wide open, so that her pesky white arm
shone out enough to dazzle a feller's eyes. She had two allfired great
breast pins, one on 'em spread out like a sun on her bosom, and another
down to her waist, all sot chuck full of stuns, that kept a glistening
in the light, like a handful of sparks out of a blacksmith's chimney.
She wore another of these glistening leetle suns on her harnsome white
forehead; her long shiney curls hung down on her shoulders, and a white
veil, that looked like a cloud with the sunshine a pouring into it,
dropped over them. I whispered to cousin Mary, and asked who the darned
likely critter could be. She said she come from Peru, and was a
priestess, or something, of the sun. Before I could get a chance to ask
whose son it was that she preached tu, and to say that I shouldn't
grumble if sich a critter as that should preach a trifle easy to Mr.
Zepheniah Slick's son--up come a leetle black-eyed gal, about knee high
to a toad, with a stick in her hand, and curls a hanging all over her
shoulders.
"Hellow," sez I, "none of that are," as she hit my woodchuck a dab with
the stick, and run off larfin, ready to bust her leetle sides. Before I
knew which eend my head was on, up comes another set of leetle queer
looking gals, so young that they didn't seem much more than babies,
that ought to have been spanked and put to bed, instead of being there.
They were dressed off in short frocks, and glistened like a hail storm;
but where they come from I couldn't tell, for they all had wings on
their shoulders, and I never read of such winged critters on this arth,
and it didn't seem as if children would be sent from t'other world to a
York ball. Before I could say Jack Robinson, they made themselves
scarce, and then sich sights of men and wimmen cum a walking about, some
dressed like angels jest dropped down, some in regimentals, and all
sorts of ways, that ever a feller dreamed of. I swan, if I didn't begin
to git dizzy with looking at 'em.
I kept by the door yit, a huggin my woodchuck, and a wonderin how on
arth the man that gave the party made out to send round to all parts of
the world to git his folks together, when I happened to give a squint
towards cousin Beebe, and I bust right out a larfin, all I could du to
help it. There he stood with his mouth sort of open, and both hands dug
down into the pockets of my old pepper and salts, a staring about like a
stuck pig. Arter a minit, he went up to the slick leetle gal, right from
Spain, with shiney black hair, eyes as bright as a hawk's, and a great
long black veil a streaming down her back, and he made a bow and asked
her to dance as genteel as I could a done myself. Pokehontas! but didn't
he make the old cowhides flurish about. The way he balanced up and
played heel and toe back agin, was Weathersfield all over. The old blue
and pepper and salts had put the grit into him about right. I don't
believe he'd felt so nat'ral afore since he left Connecticut. I thought
Mary would a gone off the handle, she was so tickled, and I had to go
away to keep from haw-hawing right out.
I went along through a great wide door into a room all set off with
blue, that had a pen full of fiddlers at the further eend, where some
folks from Turkey and Amsterdam were a whirling the foreign gals round
and round like so many horses a grinding cider. I couldn't look at 'em
without feeling my dander rise, yet I couldn't help but be sort of glad
that the great people from foreign parts made as tarnal coots of
themselves as we du here to hum. There wasn't a gal dressed out like a
true born American among 'em; but the way they did flirt round with the
men a hugging them, and the light a pouring down from the heaps of glass
and white candles over head, was as bad as I ever see in a rale York
party. It kinder made me dizzy to look on, so I jest turned my back and
begun to take an observation of the consarned harnsome picters that hung
agin the wall and listened to the music that come a streaming from the
fiddle and horns and bass viols as slick as a streak of chalk iled at
both eends. By-am-by I seemed to git tired of that, so up I went to see
if I couldn't find out where the Kings and Queens had hid to; for I had
a kind of a hankerin notion to see what kind of stuff they were made on.
Wal, I went along the entry-way, only jest stopping time enough to take
a swig of drink from the stun table, till I got into a room where they
kept the Kings and Queens. The light come down almighty powerful over
the great thick red carpet, and the settees and foot-stools and chairs
glistened out like a bed of tulips in a hot sun. But the Queens, it raly
did make me ketch my breath to look on 'em. Sich consarned beautiful
critters I never did see. They beat all horned cattle that ever I sot
eyes on. One on 'em sot on a foot-stool, with her feet sort of crossed
in a letter X. She had shiney trousers on, all spangled off, and a kind
of a silk frock-coat puckered up awfully at the waist, with a lot of
them shiney stuns round her neck, and on her arms, and among her thick
hair, and all over, till she glistened as if she'd been out among a
storm of firebugs. There was a leetle hump-backed critter of a man, all
finefied off with satins, and feathers, and velvet, and gold; but a
darn'd queer shote he was for a king! So I jest went by him, and the odd
looking Queen squat on the foot-stool that he was a talking to, as
chipper as could be, and sidled sort of bashful, woodchuck and all, up
to a tall, harnsome, stuck-up looking Queen, that stood a talking to a
chap with a great long feather in his cap, that they called a Night. She
had on a great long shiney velvet dress, that streamed out behind like
the tail of a comet, and round her beautiful head was a rale ginuine
crown, that seemed as if it struck fire every time she moved her head;
it raly made my eyes snap to look on it.
Think sez I to myself, "Wal, I never did speak to a Queen yit--but, by
gaully! I'll have a try at it this time--Injun or no Injun."
I didn't exactly know how to begin, but I'd heard say that folks always
got down on their marrow bones when they spoke to sich stuck up quality;
and think sez I, what's manners for a white man, must be manners for an
Injun. So I went whop down on my knees, and sez I--"Look a here, Marm
Queen, shouldn't you like a nation well to have a look at a rale prime
Yankee woodchuck? They are curious critters, I call tell you!"
With that, I held up the consarned little critter, and begun to stroke
down his back as if he'd been a pussy cat.
The Queen kinder jumped and stepped back, and said, "Oh, my!" and a
leetle finefied boy, dressed off to kill, that stood behind her a
holding up the eend of her frock, he begun to snicker, and at last he
tee-heed right out.
Arter a minit, the Queen begun to larf too, and she sartinly was about
the sweetest lookin critter that I ever did see, with her purty mouth
opening like a red rose-bud, and her leetle white teeth a shining
inside.
"Before I take your medicine," sez she, "tell me what tribe you belong
to?"
I didn't know what on arth to say, for I never could twist my jaws with
one of them crooked Injun names--but, sez I to myself, I calculate that
a queen aint nothing but a woman arter all, and it'll only make her
think the more of me if I keep dark, so I shook my head as if there was
a good deal in it, and sez I--
"Oh, marm, that's telling. You aint the first gal that has tried to find
me out; but it's plaguey hard work a kneeling down here, so if you'd
jest as livs I'll stand up--but I raly wish you'd let that leetle shaver
of your'n tend my woodchuck awhile--I'm eenamost tuckered out a carrying
it."
Here the other Queens and all the Kings and Nights come a crowding round
us all in a twitter to hear what we were so chipper about. I begun to
feel a sort of streaked with so many of them lofty foreign cattle a
looking at me, so I put out my elbow, and sez I to the Queen--sez I,
"Will you take my arm and let's go and see if we can't find a bite of
something to eat--I'm a gittin kinder hungry, aint you?"
She seemed to hang back a minit as if she was loth to go, but they all
begun to giggle and said they'd go along, so she put her leetle white
hand on my arm, and away we went, the eend of her frock a streaming out
behind, and the leetle chap a holding on as you've seen a kitten to an
old cat's tail.
"Wal," think sez I, "if marm could see me now a streaking up these ere
stairs with a ginuine Queen on one arm and a stuffed woodchuck under
t'other, and a hull grist of Kings and Queens coming arter us, it seemed
to me that she'd allow that I'd been lifted up a notch or two above the
vulgar since I left hum."
In all my born days I never saw a table that could hold a candle to the
one we found all set off in one of the big rooms up stairs. There was no
eend to the silver and glasses a glitterin and flashin up among the
eatables and drinkables. The visiters couldn't git to but one side of
the table, and on t'other side was a hull grist of waiters and niggers a
bustling about like a swarm of black wasps in a tantrum.
I gin the Queen a heap of good things, and it raly did me good to see
how she nibbled at 'em; the way she stowed away the jellies and
presarves was as much like any of our York gals as if she hadn't been a
Queen.
When she'd eat about enough I crooked my elbow, and we went down stairs
jest as we cum up--Kings and Queens and Nights and Injuns and all--a
rale mixed up squad. As soon as I'd found a seat for the queen I cut
stick as stiff as could be. At fust I was a going to make her a bow
before I went away, but I wasn't exactly sartin whether Injuns ever larn
them things, so I pulled in and cut away to the big ball room tickled
eenamost to death with the notice that had been taken of me.
I was a looking round arter Cousin Mary, when a leetle slim stuck up
critter cum up to me with her yaller hair all a flying and her wings
spread like a frightened butterfly, and afore I thought what I was at, I
bust right out.
"Good gracious," sez I, "If it aint my etarnal pussey cousin's leetle
finefied darter Jemima!"
The critter heard me and run up and spoke to a fat old Turk of a feller
in a frock and trousers and with a red hankercher twisted round his
head. He got up and whispered to a pussey sort of a woman all kivered
over with yaller silk and glistening like a bank of ice with gold and
stuns, and up they all three cum a fluttering like a flock of hens at
seeing a handful of corn, and the woman she stuck out her fat hands and
squealed out,--
"Oh, cousin Slick, is that you? I declare I'm delighted that Jemima has
found you out. How very bright of her wasn't it? but then she is----"
I didn't hear any more, for the foreign quality turned round and stared
with all the eyes they had in their heads. I cut and run--pulled foot
like scared sheep, till I got outside the door. For there, as sure as a
gun, was my pussy cousin and his wife turned Turks. It was bad enough to
have him a struttin round to show a feller off, in his black coat and
trousers; but I raly believe I should a gin up if he'd a cum up in his
Turk's frock and great wide silk trousers to claim relationship with me.
My heart riz up in my throat at the idee of going back tu join the stuck
up varmints, and it was a good while before I could make up mind to
skulk back and look up Cousin Beebe and Mary. She was a dancing with the
humped-backed King, and John was a shinnin it down like all natur with a
purty woman, that wore a shiney black velvet dress, all kivered over
with silver stars. It raly did me good to see him take the double
shuffle; but I was allfired anxious to git away, for fear of seeing them
pussy Turks agin, that he choked off, and we went hum about as well
tuckered out as ever you see three critters.
Arter all I don't think these ere foreigners are anything to speak on
more genteel than our ginuine Americans. Mebby it's because they hain't
got used tu our ways yet, but some on 'em seemed tu be rather awk'ard in
their blazin fine dresses, but I s'pose it made 'em feel bad tu see how
kinder easy we free born Americans felt with them.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XIV.
Advice to Jonathan from the Humstead--Jonathan's criticism on his
Brother Sam's book--The ennui of Jonathan in good society--Jonathan's
entree into a Milliner's Establishment, and sad mistake about a
Side-saddle.
DEAR PAR:
It raly makes me feel bad to have you keep a writin so much advice to
me. I du want to please you; and I don't think there ever is a time in
the world when a chap can know enough to turn up his nose at his
father's advice; but it's my ginuine opinion, that when you let a feller
go away from hum, it's best to let him cut his own fodder.
You've gin me a first rate edecation for your parts, and you've also
told me to be honest and industrious, but sharp as a razor. The truth
is, you've sort of cultivated me, as you du our onion patches, but arter
you've dug them up and put the seed in, and kept the weeds out till the
ginuine roots get stuck purty deep and the tops shoot up kinder thrifty,
haint you also found it to du best to leave 'em grow accordin to natur,
with nothing but the night dew and rich arth and the warm sunshine to
help 'em along; and don't they git ripe and run up to seed and down to
root, and bring in the hard chink jest as well as if you kept diggin
about 'em and trimmin 'em up from morning till night? If you keep the
weeds out when they're young, and manure the arth well in the spring,
there haint so much danger that the soil will grow barren all tu once,
or that the weeds can spring up so quick as to choke a good tough onion.
It ain't in natur, ask our minister if it is.
Now don't you be scared about me, if I du go to the theatre once in a
while, or dress up like a darned coot of an Injun jest to see what
etarnal ninny-hammers kings and queens and quality can make of
themselves. I ain't in no danger, I can tell you. A feller that's got
his eye teeth in his head can al'ers see enough to larf at in his
sleeve, and to make him pity human natur without forgitting that he's a
man, and that he was born to du good, and not spend his hull life in
trying to cut a dash. Don't you nor marm worry about me--I may be a
leetle green at fust, but I shall come out right side up with care, yit,
you may be sartin on it.
I feel sort of wamblecropped to day, par, for I've jest been a reading
our Sam's new book about the Great Western. I was up to cousin Beebe's
when he brought it hum, and begun to read it to Mary. He hadn't read
more than twenty pages afore cousin Mary made believe a headache, as
women always du when they feel oneasy about anything, and she cut and
run with about the reddest face I ever did see. I felt as streaked as a
winter apple, and cousin John, sez he--
"Jonathan, if the folks off in Canada hadn't made Sam a judge, I'd stick
to it that he wasn't a relation of mine; his book raly ain't fit to read
afore the wimmen folks."
I wanted to stick up for Sam, but I'll be darn'd if I could see how to
du it, for the book's an allfired smutty thing, and that's the fact; but
I thought what consarned rough words the printers sometimes put in my
letters to you, when I've writ something very different,--and so, think
sez I, I'll put it off onto the printers and publishers; for I'll be
choked if I don't believe they've made as much of a mistake in
publishing the book as Sam did in writing it. So sez I,