so I sot down by the table and hauled a plate up to me, and begun to
make myself to hum. There was no eend to the sweet things that I piled
up on my plate and begun to store away with a silver knife and a spoon.
Mrs. Slick, she begun to fuss about, and offered to help me to this,
that and t'other, till I should raly have thought she didn't care how
much I eat, if she hadn't contrived to tell me how much every thing cost
all the time. Jest as I was finishing off a plate of foreign presarves,
the door-bell rung, and in streaked five or six fellers, dressed up tu
kill. It raly made me eenamost snicker out to see how slick and smooth
every one of 'em had combed his hair down each side of his face. They
all looked as much alike as if they'd been kidney beans shelled out of
the same pod. When the old woman and the gal sot to wriggling their
shoulders and making curchies to them, I begun to think it was time for
me to get up and give them a chance. So I bolted the last spoonful of
presarves, and took out my red silk hankercher to wipe my mouth. I
thought it come out of my pockets purty hard, so I gave it a twitch, and
hurra! out come three of the doughnuts that I'd tucked away to be ready
in case of fodder's getting scarce, and they went helter-skelter every
which way all over the carpet. At fust I felt sort of streaked, for the
young chaps begun to giggle, and Miss Jemima Slick she bust right out. I
looked at her, and then I looked at the fellers, and then, instead of
sneaking off, I bust right out, jest as if I didn't know how they come
there, and sez I,
"Did you ever!"
[Illustration: "So I bolted the last spoonful of presarves, and took out
my red silk handkercher to wipe my mouth. I thought it come out of my
pocket purty hard, so I gave it a twitch, and hurra! out come three of
the dough-nuts"--_Page 110._]
I didn't say another word, but jest made them a low bow all round, and
was a going out, but Mrs. Slick got hold of my arm, and told me not tu
seem to mind the doughnuts, and said, sort of low, that she'd tell the
gentlemen that I was a relation of her'n, and that there warn't no
danger of their poking fun at me about it. Think sez I, I see how to get
out of the scrape: she'll think I'm awful mean not to offer her some of
the doughnuts, when I had them in my pocket, so seeing it's new-year's
day, I'll make her think I brought 'em tu make her a present on, for
relation's sake. I jest went back, and picked up the tarnal things, and
heaping them up in one hand, I made a smasher of a bow as I held 'em out
tu her, and, sez I--
"I thought mebby you'd like tu see how a prime Weathersfield doughnut
would taste agin; so I jest tucked a few one side, tu bring up here;
take 'em, you're as welcome as can be; I've got enough more tu hum."
She looked at the gentlemen, and then she turned red, as if she didn't
exactly know how tu take me.
"Don't be afeard on 'em," sez I, "they're fust rate; chuck full of
lasses, and fried in hog's lard as white as snow."
With that she took them out of my hand and put them on the table, and,
sez she, a puckering up her mouth, "you men of genius are so droll."
Think sez I, I've made a good hit off this time, any how, so I'll cut
stick. I made another bow, and out I went, jest as the chaps were all a
bowing and saying, "the compliments of the season," one arter another,
like boys, in a spelling class.
I hadn't but jest got to the door, when my pussey cousin driv up, so I
got intu the carriage, and off we went, down Broadway, at a smashing
rate, till at last we stopped afore one of the neatest-looking houses
that I've seen in York: it warn't crinckled and finefied off with
wood-work and iron fences, but the hull was solid stun. The steps were
made of the same, with great stun sides a rolling down from the door tu
the side-walk. The door was sunk clear intu the front; there warn't no
chunk of silver in the middle, tu write the owner's name on; so I s'pose
he thought that every body ought to know where a rale fashionable chap
lives, without his hanging out a sign to tell folks. Jason was jest a
going tu give the knob a twitch, but he seemed to remember, and, sez he,
to the tall chap that had got down,
"Why don't you ring?"
With that the chap made a dive up the steps, and it warn't a second
afore the door swung open, and a nice old feller, dressed up as neat as
a new pin, but without regimentals, stood inside. Arter making a bow, he
opened a mahogany door, and made a little motion with his hand, as much
as to say--"walk in."
Jason he kinder seemed loth to go in fust; and arter all his money, I
couldn't help but think the old feller in the hall looked as well and
acted a good deal more like a rale gentleman, than he did. There's
nothing like being rich to git up a man's pluck; arter fidgeting with
his watch-seals a minit, Jase stuck up his head like a mud turtle in the
sun, and in he went. I follered arter as close as a bur tu a chestnut;
for in my hull life I never felt so scared.
The house didn't seem like Miss Miles's nor Cousin Beebe's, nor yet like
my pussey cousin's. Coming from his house into that, seemed like going
out of a blustering wind into a calm snowstorm. Every thing was so slick
and still, that it didn't seem like anything else that I ever see.
Cousin Slick went in fussing along, and a tall harnsome lady got up from
a chair, where she sot by the fire, and cum towards us. Arter Jason had
give her a little information about the weather--told her it was
dreadful cold, and so on, he stepped back, and spreading out his hands
sort of like his wife, sez he--
"Mrs. ----, this is Mr. Jonathan Slick, a young relation of mine."
I declare it made my heart beat to see how purtily she smiled--her
curchy was as soft and easy as a bird--she didn't wriggle up her
shoulders and stick out her feet as some of the rest of 'em did, but
jest seemed to droop down a little easy, and then she asked us to sit
down; and in less than no time we felt as much tu hum as if we'd known
her ever since she was a nursing baby. Instead of beginning to give me a
lot of soft sodder, as some of the other women did, she jest set in and
began to talk about old Connecticut, and sich things as she must a seen
was likely to tickle me like all natur, and her voice was so soft, and
she kept a smiling so, that I never felt so contented in my life as I
did a talking with her.
At last she began to ask Jason some questions about the Western
country--so I had a chance to look about me a leetle. Instead of being
dressed out like a thing sot up for a show, she hadn't nothing on but a
harnsome silk frock, and a leetle narrow velvet ribbon tied round her
harnsome black hair, that was brushed till it looked as bright as a
crow's back. I never did see anything braided up so nice as it was
behind. She hadn't on the leastist bit of gold nor furbelows of any
kind, only jest a leetle pin that glistened like a spark of fire, which
pinned the velvet ribbon jest over her white forehead. It raly beats me
to make out why I can't tell you what was in the room, jest as I du
about all the other places; but somehow it aint easy to tell the
difference, for there was settees, and chairs, and tables, and curtains,
and so on--but yet it warn't a bit like any room I ever see afore. There
warn't no glistening and shining, and gold and silver; but I couldn't
get the notion out of my head that everything cost a good deal more than
if there had been ever so much of it. The room seemed made exactly for
the things that were in it, and there warn't a thing that didn't fit
exactly into its place like wax-work. There was one consarn that looked
awful harnsome, and it was rale ginuine too; but at first I thought it
was some of these York make-believes. It was a slim green tree, eenamost
tall enough to reach my head, all blown out and kivered over with as
much as twenty of the biggest and whitest roses I ever did see. It was
sot jest below the two winders, and when the sun came kinder softly
through the curtains down into the white posies they seemed to sort o'
blush like a beach blow; yit they raly were as white, according to
natur, as the cleanest handful of snow you ever see. The tree grew out
of a great marble flower-pot, and when I asked its name of the lady, she
looked as bright and sweet as one of the flowers, and told me it come
from Japan, away east. There was some picters hung agin the wall, that
struck my eye so that I couldn't keep from looking at 'em. She see how I
was took up, and sez she--
"That's a beautiful picter, Mr. Slick, don't you think so? There is
something in Doughtie's picters that I love to look on; his grass and
hillocks are so soft and green, he does excel every American artist most
certainly in his atmosphere."
"Wal, marm," sez I, "I aint no judge of picters, but sartinly, to my
notion that does outshine cousin Jason's lions and roosters, and
croushongs, all to nothing. It don't glisten so much, but somehow them
great trees du look so nat'ral, and them cows lying down under them so
lazy; it eenamost makes me hum sick to go back to Weathersfield when I
see it." Here Jase trod on my toe with his consarned hard boot. Wal,
think sez I, what have I said now; and I looked right in the lady's face
to see if she'd been a laughing; but she looked so sweet and unconsarned
as could be, and sez she, a getting up and going across the room; for
Jase made a motion as if he was in a hurry, sez she--
"Let me help you to some cake and wine."
With that she went to a table that had some decanters and wine-glasses
on it, besides a loaf of cake as white as drifted snow. I sniggers, but
it did look as neat as a new pin. There was a heap of rale flowers and
leaves, jest picked from the bush, fresh and fair, twisted round the
edge of the cake, and a leetle white sugar dove snuggled down in the
middle.
Cousin Jase filled the glasses and he made a leetle speech--but somehow
it didn't seem to me as if I could go to talking soft sodder tu that
harnsome critter--she looked so sweet yet so proud. All I did was jest
to drink the wine, and then bend my head kinder softly to try and match
her curchy--but if I didn't wish her a happy New Year in my heart, I'm a
lying coot, that's all. When we went away, she gave us an invite to come
agin, and she was mortal perlite to me. If I don't go, it'll be because
I'm afeard, for I don't know when I've taken such a shine to anything
that wears petticoats.
Jest as soon as I'd got clear of the door, and Jase had bowed and
scraped himself out, we got into the carriage agin, and sez he--
"Wal, cousin, how do you like Mrs. ----?"
"Like her!" sez I, "if I don't there's no snakes. She's none of your
stuck up, finefied, humbug critters, but a _rale ginuine lady_, and no
mistake."
"It's a pity she hasn't more taste and emulation to fix up her house,"
sez he. "She raly don't know how to cut a dash, and yet her husband is
as rich as a Jew."
"Wal, raly, I don't know what to think of that," sez I. "Somehow when I
see everything in a room kinder shaded off, one color into another
that's eenamost like it, till the hull seemed to be alike, jest as it is
in that lady's room,--it seems to take my notion amazingly. I can't tell
you why, but it made me feel as if the room had been made up into a big
picter, and so it is in part, and I begin to think that----"
I was a going to say something allfired cutting about these stuck up
flashy houses and people that I'd seen here in York--when the carriage
driv up to another door. In we went, eat and drank, and then out agin;
and then it was riding from one house to another, and eating and
drinking till it got eenajest dark, and I was clear tuckered out,
besides beginning tu feel wamblecropped a leetle, with the heap of sweet
things I'd been eating all day.
This New Year's day here in York is sartainly as good as a show,--such
lots of gals as a feller sees, and such lots of good living; but give me
a Thanksgiving dinner yit afore a York New Year's,--a good turkey with
plenty of gravy and tatur. I swanny, how I wish I'd been a eatin them
things instead of this heap of tarnal cake and sugar things. I shan't
feel right agin in a month, I'm sure on it.
I guess you Weathersfield tee totalists would a stared some tu see how
the young chaps begun tu make fence along the stun side-walks towards
night; some on 'em were purty well over the bay I can tell you. I went
to see lots of women and gals, and cousin Mary amongst the rest, and
arter I got back to my office I couldn't get one wink of sleep. My head
was chuck full of gals all night,--such a whirring and burring as there
was in my upper story you never did know on,--every time I shet my eyes
the office seemed chuck full of purty gals and feathers and gold and
decanters, cut glass, till it seemed as if I would go crazy a thinking
over all I'd done; but the last thing that got into my brain jest afore
I dropped to sleep, was the _real lady_ and my pussey cousin's stuck up
wife.
But I can't stop to write you on all my dreams that night. I don't think
doughnuts or sugar candies set well on the stomach, and I don't think
seeing so many gals sets well on my head. There is a terrible all
over-ish sort of a feeling in a young feller when he's been cruising
among the gals all day, and comes hum and cuddles up in bed at night.
When he gits one gal stuck fast in his head and his heart, as I had Judy
White, he's as quiet as a kitten, and his head's a sort a settled; but
arter he's been a roving over the world as I am a doing, his natur gits
ruther rily, and there's nothing that sticks in it except the dregs, the
pure essence sifting out all through.
Getting in love is somewhat like getting drunk, the more a feller loves
the more he wants tu,--and when the heart gits a going, _pitty pat,
pitty pat_, there is such a swell, that it busts up all the strings, so
that it can't hold the ginuine grit at all. When Judy White fust took
hold a my arm I give the coat sleeve a rale hearty smack, where her hand
had lain, and that coat I raly did love better than any other I ever had
on; but I never think the better of my yaller gloves for shaking the
hands of all the gals in York. I've only got Miss Miles out of my head,
to git a thousand new shinin faces in. Lord knows what'll become of me,
Par, if I go on to be bedivilled arter the women, as I have been this
new year's day. When a feller is made any thing on by 'em he must have
been brought up under good preaching in Weathersfield to stand it here
in York. I feel as if I shouldn't be good for much afore long, myself,
the way I am going on, but to skoot up and down Broadway like that ere
Count, and to hang round gals' winders with fifes, and bassoons, and
drums, and gitars at night.
I can't look full into a purty gal's face all a flashing so, without
being kind a dazzled and scorched. It warms me up in this cold weather,
and kindles such a touse in my heart, that the blood runs through it as
hot as if it had scooted through a steamboat pipe. And then the allfired
critters have so many sly ways of coming over a feller, that I don't
think much of a man who can see their purty mouths tremble, and not feel
his tremble tu. If they sidle up, I can't help sidling too if I died;
and when them black eyes fall flash on me, I wilt right down under 'em
as cut grass in Weathersfield on a hot summer day. It is natur all this,
and I can't help it no how.
But you know, Par, I was brought up under good preaching, and I go now
to Dr. Spring's meeting always as straight as Sunday comes round, and
twice a day. If wimmin do snarl up a feller's heart strings, though,
they keep him out of other scrapes, anybody will tell you that. A man
that is in love a leetle is not always a running into rum-holes, and
other such places. He don't go a gambling, and isn't a sneakin round
nights.
Love, according to my notion on it, is a good anchor for us on this 'ere
voyage of life!--it brings us up so all a standing when we put on too
much sail. It puts me in mind, now I think on it, of our cruise through
Hell Gate in Captin Doolittle's sloop; for jest as the tide and the wind
was a carrying us on the rocks, we dropt anchor and kept off. I look on
the uses of women purty much as I look on the freshet that in the spring
brings down the Connecticut the rale rich soil for the meadows in
Weathersfield. They make a great deal of splutter and fuss in their
spring-time, with their rustles and their ribbons, and their fooleries,
I know; but when they light on a feller for good, they are the rale
onion patches of his existence. Put us together, and the soil will grow
anything; but keep us apart, and we are his thistles and nettles.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER XI.
Visit to the Park Theatre--First Impressions of the Poetry of Motion, as
written on the air, in the aerial feats of Mademoiselle Celeste--First
shock at the exhibition of a Ballet Costume accompanied by the
"twinkles" of Celeste's feet--with her pigeon wings, double-shuffles,
gallopades, and pirouettes.
DEAR PAR:
I've been a trying tu git time tu write you a letter this ever so long;
but somehow I've had so many parties tu go tu, besides sleigh-rides,
balls, and so on, that I haint known which eend my head is on more than
half the time. Besides all that, I've felt kinder loth tu write you, for
I aint jest sartin that you and marm won't be in a pucker about what
I've been a doing since I writ tu you before. But I've got my pluck a
stirring jest now; so I'm detarmined tu up and tell you all right out,
jest as it is--for arter all, a feller must be a consarned coward
that'll do a thing, right or wrong, and then back out from owning on
it.
Wal, t'other night Mr. Beebe he cum up tu my office about sundown, and
sez he, "Cousin Slick, supposing we go tu the Park Theatre to-night, and
see Madame Celeste dance."
My heart riz right up into my throat as he said this, for the very idee
of going tu the Theatre set me all over in a twitter. Ever since I cum
down here tu York, I've had an etarnal hankering tu go and see some of
their plays; but I tried all I could tu pacify myself, and thought over
more than forty times all the preachings you used to make agin them--how
you used tu say they were filled with sinful devices and picters of the
devil's own painting, and that they warn't nothing more nor less than
scraps of the infarnal regions sot up here on arth tu delude away poor
mortals.
I wanted tu go awfully, but insted of giving in tu cousin John when he
fust come, I jest sot too and let off one of your preachments to him; he
didn't seem to mind it a mite, but, sez he, "Cousin, would you think it
right if a feller was tu cum out like all blazes agin one of your
letters in the _Express_, if he hadn't read 'em?"
"I should like to ketch a feller at it--I should," sez I.
"Wal," sez he, "du you think it fair tu run out agin the Theatres till
you've seen something on 'em?"
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know as it is; but haint my par an old man as
well as deacon of the church, and hadn't he ought tu know? What's the
use of a man's experience, if his children won't profit by it, as long
as he can't turn about and live his life over agin?"
"That's true," sez cousin John; "but are you sartin that your father was
ever at a play in his life?"
"What, my par at the Theatre!" sez I, a holding up both hands, "Mr.
Zephaniah Slick, Esquire, Justice of the Peace and Deacon of the Church,
at the Theatre! Look a here, cousin John, why don't you ask if he ever
plays all fours, or 'I had as many wives as the stars in the
skies,'--he'd be about as likely tu du one as t'other."
"Wal," sez John, sort of parsevering, "how can he judge about them sort
of things without he's seen 'em? Come, come, jest put on your fix and
let's go down."
So with that he come his soft sodder so strong that I couldn't hold out
no longer, so I jest giv up, and we started off; but my heart felt sort
of queer all the way, for I couldn't keep from thinking how you and marm
would feel when you found out where I'd been tu. I don't think there's
anything very scrumptious about the outside of the Theatre anyhow. Think
sez I, as I looked up tu it, if this is raly a temple of Old Nick, he
haint put himself out much tu finefy it off. A good many of the
meeting-houses here in York go ahead of this all tu nothing. It looks
more like a town hall or a tavern than any thing else that I can think
on.
When we got into the entry-way, cousin Beebe he took out a dollar bill,
and went up tu a little hole cut out in the wall, and stuck in his hand,
and sez he, "A ticket."
Think sez I, wal, if this don't beat all! They raly du mean tu carry on
all kinds of develtry; who'd a thought of finding one of these darnation
lottery offices here.
"You wont want a ticket," sez cousin John.
"No," sez I, "I guess I don't; if there's any thing on arth that makes
my blood bile, it's gambling." I was a going on tu give him a piece of my
mind, but jest then he pushed a door open, all kivered over with green
flannel, and give his paper tu a tall man that stood there, looking as
solemn as an owl in a storm; and, sez he, a pinting tu me, this
gentleman belongs tu the press. The feller looked at me as sharp as a
needle, and he begun tu fumble over a paper, as if he didn't know
exactly what he wanted; but at last he held out his hand, and said it
was custom for the press to leave cards at the door. I never was so
struck up in my whole born days. Think sez I, wal, if this don't beat
all natur; they think because a feller is green enough tu go tu the
Theatre that he must play cards, and every thing else that's bad. I
shouldn't wonder, sez I tu myself, if he wants me tu begin and cuss and
swear next. I looked him right in his eyes, and put my hands down in my
pockets allfired hard, and, sez I--
"Look a here, you sir, I ain't no gambler--none of your foreign chaps,
that git their living by playing cards. You must be soft in the upper
story if you don't see that the first giffy. You don't see no hair on my
upper lip. I don't carry a cane with a bagonet in it, nor wear
checkered trousers, so you needn't ask _me_ to give you any cards, I
haint touched one of the pesky things since marm broke the tin dipper
over my head for singing out, 'high, low, Jack and the game, by gauley,'
one day when I and another little shaver got hid away in the corn-house
a playing all fours."
The feller opened his eyes a few when I said this, but three or four
finefied young fellers, with white gloves on, and little canes in their
hand, come to the door, and stood a grinning at me like so many hungry
monkeys. Cousin John spoke sort of low, and sez he,--
"It is your name the man wants. If you haven't any cards, write it out
on a piece of paper."
With that the man handed over a piece of paper, and cousin Beebe give me
his gold pencil.
Think sez I, "If they will have my name, I'll give 'em a smasher,"--so I
flourished the "J" off with an allfired long tail, and curlecued the "S"
up till it looked like a black snake in the sun. I ruther seem to think
the feller stared a few when he saw the name. The grinning chaps cum and
looked at it, but made themselves scarce in less than no time arter they
had made it out, and the tall chap, he bowed close down to the floor,
and sez he--
"Walk in, Mr. Slick, Mr. Simpson put your name on the free list ever so
long ago."
I was going to ask him to tell Mr. Simpson that I was very much
obligated, though I hadn't the least idea what he meant by his free
list, but that minit there was such a smashing of fiddles and drums and
toot-horns inside that I eenamost jumped out of my skin. It seemed as if
a dozen training bands had all been set a going tu once.
Cousin John he took hold of my arm, and hauled me along through a little
door into a great big room built off more like a meeting-house than
anything else--and yet it wasn't like that neither. It was shaped kinder
like a horse shoe, the floor was chuck full of benches, kivered over
with red cushions, and there was four galleries all pillared off and
painted, and set off with gold and great blazing glass things that made
every thing look as bright as day. In the second gallery there were
five or six pens all boarded off from the rest, with lots of gold
picters all round them, and hung over with silk curtains, till they
looked more like the berths on board a steamboat than any thing I could
think on. These places were chuck full of allfired harnsome gals and
spruce looking fellers, that were dressed off to kill, and talked and
laughed as chipper as could be. The ruff was an etarnal way up from the
floor; it rounded up, and was crinkle-crankled off with gold and picters
till it looked like the West jest afore sundown, when the red and yaller
and purple lie in heaps and ridges all over the sky.
Think sez I, if that's what par means by a device of the devil, Old Nick
is no slouch at putting the shine on the ruff of his house, anyhow.
We sot down on one of the red benches in the lowest gallery, and I got a
leetle over the twitter that I was in at fust, and jest made up my mind
to look amongst the folks to see what was going on.