little of his chink, or else I wouldn't ride about with him--I wouldn't,
by gracious! He's tickled tu death tu get hold of a chap like you to
brag on; for now that he's got rich, you haint no idee how anxious he is
to make people think he knows something and always did. He talks about
his aristocracy. The men of genius and talons make the real aristocracy
in this country, and he's in hopes of getting among 'em by claiming
relationship with you because you write for the papers. Supposing you
ask him to lend you a couple of thousand dollars."
"No," sez I, "I'll be darned if I du. If I can't cut my own fodder I'll
go hum agin."
"Wal," sez the Captin, "mebby you can git him tu help you print your
letters in a book. Your par would be tickled tu death if you could print
a book like that Sam writ."
"Wal," sez I, sort o' proud, "there needn't be no hurry about that are;
but if I du print one, and it can't pay its own expenses and a leetle
over, it may go tu grass!"
With that I bid Captin Doolittle good-bye, and made tracks for my office
agin.
* * * * *
LETTER X.
New-Year's Calls--A real Yankee's New-Year's Treat of Dough-nuts and
Cider--Jonathan's ideas of the real difference between a real lady's
House and Furniture and the House of a stuck-up Parvenu--Jonathan's
ideas of Love and Ladies.
DEAR PAR:
I made a leetle inquiry about how people did a New Year's Day, and found
out that it was the fashion for the wimmen tu stand treat that day, to
set out things, and invite everybody that come tu take a bite. So arly
in the morning I put a clean white towel on the leetle table in my
office. Then I went into the cubby house room, where I keep my new
clothes and kindling wood, besides my tooth brush and sich things as I
don't want to use every day, and I drew a quart mug of that outrageous
good cider, that you sent me by Captin Doolittle. I guess I looked like
live when I went out agin, with the mug brimming over in one hand, and
the pillow-case stuffed full of dough-nuts, that marm sent me t'other
day--besides the hunk of cheese, and the lot of baked sweet apples,
tucked under t'other arm. I heaped up a pile of the dough-nuts on one
corner of the table, and sot the apple-box on the other, an made room
for the cheese and the cider in the middle; and it raly made me feel
sort of bad because marm couldn't see how nice I'd fixed it all. Think
sez I, there wont be many people in York that'll set a better treat
afore their visiters than this I reckon, any how, and as marm aint here
I'll stand treat to every body that comes in for her sake.
Wal, who should be the fust critter that come in but cousin John Beebe,
tu see what I was a going tu du with myself all day. Arter I'd sot him a
chair by the stove, I went up to the table, and sez I,
"Cousin John supposing we take a drink; it's an allfired cold day, and
you look as if you couldn't stand it." My gracious, but didn't his eyes
snap when he saw what I'd got. I mixed the cider up, purty hot with
ginger, and then I sot it on the stove, and kept a stirring on it up
with a little ivory thing that a purty gal sent me tu fold my letters
with; it begun to foam and sparkle like anything; then I took a sip jest
to try it, and handed the mug over to cousin John.
"Here," sez I, "take a swaller; it aint like the pesky stuff you give me
when I eat dinner up to your house. Instid of kicking up a dust in your
upper story, it goes tu the right spot tu once, and makes a feller feel
prime all over in a giffy." I ruther seem to think that cousin John
warn't much afeard of the mug anyhow; he gave a sneezer of a pull tu it,
and then his eyes begun to glisten, and, sez he--
"I'm beat, Jonathan, if this aint prime; where on arth did you find it?
I've sarched from one eend of York tu t'other for it a dozen times, but
never made out tu get a drop yit." With that he sot into it agin like
all natur. "I declare," sez he, agin, choaking off long enough tu ketch
his breath, "this does taste nat'ral."
"Aint it the rale critter?" sez I, a bending for'ard and rubbing both
hands together a leetle easy. "It eenamost make me humsick when I first
tasted on it, it put me so in mind of Weathersfield. Par sent me a whole
cag on it, by Capt. Doolittle."
"Then it _did_ come from the old humstid?" sez he, a eying the mug
agin--"I must drink a leetle more, for the sake of them that sent it."
With that, he jest finished up the mug; and when he sot it down, he drew
a long breath, and sez he agin, "that's prime, Jonathan."
"Aint it," sez I, starting off tu fill up the mug agin, for it tickled
me tu see how he took tu the drink, and how much he made himself tu hum
in my office. When I cum out of the leetle room agin, John he looked
sort of eager at the mug and then at the eatables laid out so tempting.
"I declare," sez he, "I begin tu feel as I use tu when we were boys,
Jonathan." With that I sot the table between us, and the way we laid
into the provinder was a compliment to marm. Arter cousin Beebe had eat
ten of the doughnuts, and a hunk of cheese as big as your fist, he stopt
short, and sez he--
"Cousin, this wont du; if we keep on eating as much as we want, we
shan't find room for all the eatables and drinkables that the folks will
give us to-day, when we make our calls."
"Look a here, cousin Beebe," sez I, kinder anxious, "you know I'm a sort
of a greenhorn about New Year's, for we don't have no sich things over
amongst us. Supposing you jest tell me how they act and so on. I don't
want tu make a coot of myself; and that pussey cousin of mine is a
coming tu take me round in his carriage, where I suppose he means tu
stick me up like a swarry for folks tu look at; and if I don't du
everything according to gunter, he'll be turning red and fussing about
like an old hen that's got ducks for chickens. What on arth shall I say
to the gals, and what will they expect me to du?"
Cousin Beebe he sot still a minit, kinder nibbling away at the end of a
dough-nut, for he seemed mortal loth to choke off, and at last sez he--
"When you come tu a house where you want tu call, jest go into the room
where the ladies will be a waiting tu see folks, and arter a while
they'll ask you to take some refreshments: with that they'll go up tu a
table where there's wine and so on, if they hain't teetotalists, and if
they be----"
"It don't make no odds tu tell me how _they_ act," sez I, "for I don't
call on anybody that sets up to be wiser than our Savior; he turned
water into wine, and when I set up tu be better than him, I'll turn up
my nose at it, but not afore. I wish you could a heard par argufy that
question with the ministers. I rather guess----"
Here cousin Beebe sot in, and sez he, "Well, jest fill up a glass for
the lady about half full, not a drop more, then pour out a glass for
yourself----"
"What, full?" sez I.
"Sartinly," sez he.
"Wal," sez I; "that seems kinder hoggish tu give yourself more than you
du to the lady; I don't seem tu like that."
"It's the fashion," sez he.
"Oh, is it?" sez I; "wal I think as like as not they know how to help
themselves arter a feller's gone. I always notice that the gals that are
so mighty stuck up as if they couldn't swaller anything but air before
folks, stuff like all natur back of the pantry door."
John larfed a leetle as if he agreed with me, and sez he, "Never mind
that now, but when you've poured out the wine, jest step back and make a
bow, and say, 'The compliments of the season,' or any other interesting
thing that you like. A person of your genius should not be at a loss for
pleasant sayings--and after that drink off the wine, take a leetle of
anything else that is on the table, and go away agin."
"Wal now," sez I, "I can remember what to say well enough, though it
does seem to me that there would be a leetle too much soft sodder in the
speech, if it warn't made to a lady; but suppose you jest go over the
manoeuvre about the wine, so that I can git the kink on it, if you
hain't no objection."
"Very well," sez he, "remember I'm you, and you are the lady."
"Jest so," sez I.
"Wal," sez he, a taking up the cider mug, "observe me." With that he
made a purlite bow, and give another allfired pull at the drink. I see
what the critter was at; but think sez I, I ruther think you've had your
share of the cider. With that, I put out both hands a leetle easy, and
took the mug from his mouth.
"See if I hain't larnt it," sez I, as sober as a deacon; and with that I
made him a low bow, and while I was a drinking off the cider, I jest
winked one eye over the top of the mug, tu let him see that I was up tu
a thing or two. The minit I pulled up, he began tu laugh as good-natured
as a kitten; and arter I'd got my breath, I sot in, and we had a good
haw-haw right out in the office.
Arter we'd both got sobered down, John he gave me an invite to come up
and see Mary, and then he cut stick tu go home and fix for visiting. I
hadn't but jest time to run out and git a piece of Injun rubber to clean
my yaller gloves with, and begin tu fix up, when my pussey cousin come
up the street, hurra boys, carriage and all, arter me. The tall chap let
himself down from behind the carriage, and knocked at the door.
"Come in," sez I, a poking round the office arter a pin tu stick my
shirt-color together, where the etarnal washerwoman had washed the
button off, consarn her!
The feller was dressed up like a Connecticut Major-General, all in
yaller and blue, as fine as a fiddle; he kinder grinned a little when he
see my table, and that I hadn't got my fix on yet; but when I looked in
his face, he choked in, and, sez he, as humble as could be--
"Mr. Slick, my master is a waiting."
"Tell him not tu be in a pucker," sez I, "I ain't quite spruced up yet."
With that he went out--I pitched on my clothes in less than no time,
stuffed a baked apple and a few dough-nuts into my coat pocket, for fear
of accident, and follered arter. There he stood a holding open the glass
door, and a set of little steps, all carpeted off, hung down tu the
ground; and there was the fat nigger a twistifying his whip-lash round
the horses' heads, as crank as a white man. I jest had time tu see that
Jase had got his lions and roosters and crouchants pictered off on the
curtain that hung round his seat; and then I jumped into the carriage as
spry as a cricket. The tall chap folded up the steps as quick as marm
could undu a cat's cradle, and shet the door tu, and away we went like a
house a-fire. I swanny! but these coaches du go over the ground as slick
as grease; it seemed jest like being bolstered up in a rocking-chair! My
pussey cousin seemed tu swell up bigger and bigger every minit, when he
see how surprised I was with the spring of it; and, sez he--
"Now, cousin, I'm going tu take you tu see somebody worth knowing, and
when they know that you're my relation, they'll take a good deal of
notice of you; so jest put your best foot foremost."
Think sez I, it's looky that I got cousin Beebe tu show me how it's
done; but I kept a close lip and said nothing, for it was snapping cold,
and a feller's words seemed as if they'd turn tu ice, before he spoke
'em.
The nigger driv like fire and smoke, and it didn't seem no time afore we
stopped by a great house clear up town, and the tall shote opened the
door and undid the steps again, as if he expected us tu git out.
"This is my house," sez my pussey cousin, "you go in and call on the
ladies, and I'll dive round to one or two houses, and take you with me
again, by and by."
I got up sort of loth, for it seemed kinder awk'ard to go in alone; but
afore I had a chance to say so, the tall shote shet tu the stairs, gin
the door a slam, hopped up behind agin, and away they went like a streak
of lightning.
I stood a minit, a looking about. It was cold enough to nip a feller's
ears off, so I jest tucked my hands into my pockets as well as I could,
and begun tu stomp my foot on the stun walk. It raly was fun to see the
streets chuck full of fellers running up and down, hither and yon, as if
the old Nick had kicked them on eend. Every one on 'em was dressed up in
his Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, and they all had their hair slicked
down exactly alike, and most on 'em looked more like gals in boys'
clothes than anything else. Not the shadow of a petticoat could a feller
see, from one eend of York tu the other--it seemed as if the hull city
had run tu boys for one day. The streets raly looked lonesome; for,
arter all, it don't seem nat'ral to go out and not see gals and women a
walking about with their purty faces and fine clothes. A city without
them, looks like a piece of thick woods without any sweet, green
under-brush and harnsome flowers. I don't know exactly why, but when I
go into a place where there's nothing but men, it seems as if all the
sunshine and posies of human natur was shet out; and as I stood there
afore my pussey cousin's house, it made me feel sort of melancholy not
to see the least glimpse of a red shawl or a furbelow nowhere about.
I believe arter all, that when a chap is a leetle scared about doing a
thing, the best way is tu pitch for'ard, hit or miss, without thinking
on it. So as soon as I'd got a leetle grit raised, I up and pulled the
door knob as savage as could be. It was an allfired big chunk of silver
though, and the piece spread out on the door was as big as a
dinner-plate, and there was "JASON SLICK" cut out on it in all sorts of
flourishes and curlecues. Think sez I, my pussey cousin means to hang
out a specie sign, anyhow. I wonder he didn't have his rooster and lion
and crouchants pictered off in his door too.
Arter a minit a tall chap that looked like a twin tu the feller that
stood behind the carriage, all dressed out jest as he was, too, like a
major-gineral, stood a bowing and shuffling in the hall, as if he wanted
to larn me how to dance. The way he sidled and bowed and spread out his
hands as he opened the parlor door for me, was enough to make a feller
bust with larfin. Wal, afore I knew which eend my head was on, there I
stood in the middle of a great long room, that was enough to dazzle a
feller's eyes for a month, eenajest to look at it. The settees were all
bright red, and glistened with thick velvet cushions. Great, heavy,
yaller curtains hitched up with spears and poles, made out of gold, or
something plaguey like it, hung over all the winders--all furbelowed and
tossled off with great, blue balls, mixed up with red fringe. The carpet
was the brightest and softest thing I ever did see--but it was enough tu
make a feller stun blind tu look at it, the figgers on it were so
allfired gaudy. Everything in the room was as costly and harnsome as
could be; but somehow it seemed as if every individual thing had come
there on its own hook, and was so proud of itself that it wouldn't agree
with its neighbors. The chairs looked dreadfully out of sorts with the
settees, and the great looking-glasses made everything seem ten times
more fiery and bright with their glistening. The hull room seemed more
like a garden planted with poppies, sun-flowers, and marygolds, than
anything I could think on. There was a table sot out at one eend, jest
afore one of the looking-glasses, that made it seem as long agin as it
raly was. It was all kivered over with silver baskets and knives and
forks, and glasses, and everything that could be thought on tu eat and
drink. At both eends were leetle meeting-houses with steeples tu them,
all made out of sugar-candy, and hull loaves of cake with flowers and
birds a lying down on top of 'em; besides some had leetle sugar lambs
curled up on 'em, as nat'ral as life. I never did see a table so set
off in my born days; it was a sight to look on. Cousin Beebe's warn't a
touch tu it; but somehow the things were all crowded on so, and there
was sich heaps of everything, that it didn't seem half so genteel as
Cousin Mary's did. It must have cost an allfired swad of money, though.
I was so struck up with the room and the table, that it was more than a
minit afore I found out that there were any folks in the premises; but
by-am-by I discovered a fat chunked woman a sitting in a rocking chair
all cushioned with red shiney velvet. She sot close by the fire, but
when I stepped back and put my foot out to make a bow, she got up and
made me a curchy--but sich a curchy I never did see--it was about
half-way between the flutter of a hen and the swagger of a fat duck. It
was as much as I could du to keep from snorting right out to see her;
but I choked in, and sez I, bowing again, "You see I make myself tu hum,
marm. Mr. Slick, my pussey cousin, out there, wanted me to come and make
you a New Year's call."
I wish you could a seen how the critter strutted up when I said this;
but all tu once she seemed to guess who I was, for she stuck her head a
one side, and begun to smile and pucker up her mouth like all natur. Up
she cum tu me with both hands out, and sez she--
"Cousin, I'm delighted to see you. Mr. Slick was telling me about you
yesterday, and sez I, invite him by all means. It ain't often we can
make free with a relation, they are so apt to presume upon it. Raly,
some of Mr. Slick's family have been very annoying, they have indeed;
they don't seem to understand our position; but you, cousin, you that
have so much mind, can comprehend these things."
Afore I could get a chance to stick in a word edgeways, she took my
hand, yaller glove and all, between both her'n, and led me along to the
fire. Arter I'd sot down, she kept a fingering over one of my hands as
if it belonged to her. Think sez I, what on arth can the old critter
mean? I'll be darned, if she was fifteen years younger, I should think
she had such a notion to the family, that she wasn't particular how many
on 'em she made love tu. As soon as I could git her to give up my hand,
she jest let her'n drop on my knee as affectionate as a pussy cat, and
sez she, a screwing up her mouth, and sticking her face close up to
mine--
"Cousin, you can't think how delighted I was to read your letters in the
_Express_. I du like to see such upstarts as the Beebe's taken off; only
think of the idee of her giving parties, and her husband not out of
business yit! When I read that letter, sez I to Mr. Slick, 'bring the
young gentleman here, where he can see something of _real_ high life; it
would be a pity to have him throw away his talons in describing such low
affairs as Mrs. Beebe's must be.'" With that she looked round her
blazing room as proud as could be, as if she wanted me to give her some
soft sodder back agin; but I felt sort of wrathy at what she said about
cousin, and I wouldn't take the hint; but sez I, "I beg pardon, marm,
but Mr. Beebe is my friend and relation, and a chap that'll set still
and hear a friend run down, don't deserve one, according to my notion;
as for cousin Mary----"
"Oh," sez Mrs. Slick, a twisting round like an eel, "she is a lovely
woman, without any doubt. I sartinly should have called on her long ago;
but then one has so many acquaintances of that sort to remember, that
really I have never found time." Think sez I, if you wont call till Mary
wants you, I don't think you'll put yourself out in a hurry; but I
didn't say so, for jest that minit she seemed to remember something, and
she sung out, "Jemima, my dear."
With that the yaller curtains by one of the winders were rustled and
flirted out, and a young gal, finefied off to kill, come from where
she'd been standing back on 'em to look at the fellers as they went
along the street. I ruther guess there was a flirting of ribbon and a
glistening of gold things when she made her appearance. She came a
hopping and a dancing across the room, and when she come jest afore me,
she stopped short and let off a curchy that seemed more like one of her
mother's run crazy, than any thing I could think on. The old woman she
spread out her hands, and sez she, "Jemima, my dear, this is your
cousin, Mr. Slick, the gentleman whose letters you were so delighted
with."
With that the queer critter gave me another curchy and looked as if
she'd a been glad if she'd known enough to say something; but the old
woman sot in with a stream of talk about her till any body on arth would
have sot her down for an angel jest out of heaven, dressed up in pink
satin and loaded off with gold, if they'd believed a word her mother
said. Think sez I to myself, as I stood a looking at the old woman and
the gal, it's enough to make a feller sick of life to see two such stuck
up critters. The gal's furbelows didn't look so bad considering she was
so young, yet it always seems to me as if heaps of jimcracks and finery
piled on to a young critter looked kinder unnat'ral. Wimmen are a good
deal like flowers to my notion, and the harnsomest posies that grow in
the woods never have but one color besides their leaves. I've seen gals
in the country with nothing but pink sun bonnets and calico frocks on,
that looked as fresh and sweet as full blown roses--gals that could pull
an even yoke with any of your York tippies in the way of beauty, and
arter all if I ever get a wife I don't think I shall sarch for her among
brick houses and stun side-walks.
The old woman raly had made an etarnal coot of herself in the way of
fixing. She had on a lot of satin, and shiny thin stuff twistified round
her head kinder like a hornet's nest; in front on it, jest over the
leetle curls all rolled and frizzled round her face, a bird--a rale
ginuine bird, all feathered off as bright as a rainbow--was stuck with
its bill down and its tail flourished up in the air, as if it had jest
lit to search for a place to build a nest in. I never see one of the kind
afore, for its tail looked like a handful of corn-silk, it was so yaller
and bright; but, think sez I, it must be some sort of a new-fashioned
woodpecker, for it's the natur of them birds always to light on any thing
holler--and if he was once to get a going on that old woman's head, I've
an idee there'd be a drumming. She had a leetle short neck, all hung
round with chains, and capes, and lots of things--besides, a leetle
watch, all sot over with shiny stuns, was hung to her side, and her fat
chunked fingers was kivered over with rings, that looked like the spots
on a toad's back more than any thing else. She had a great wide ruffle
round the bottom of her frock, like the one cousin Mary had on at her
party; but she warn't no where nigh so tall as Mary, and it made her look
like a bantum hen feathered down to the claws. Wal, think sez I, if you
wouldn't make a comical figger-head fur Captin Doolittle's sloop. I
wonder what your husband would ask for you, jest as you stand--hump,
ruffles and all? I shouldn't a taken so much notice of her, if she hadn't
let off such a shower of talk on me about her darter; but when a woman
begins to pester me by praising up her family, I always make a pint of
thinking of something else as fast as I can. If you only bow a leetle,
and throw in a "yes marm, sartingly," and so on, once in a while, you're
all right. A woman will generally soft-sodder herself, if you let her
alone when she once gits a going, without putting you to the trouble of
doing it for her.
Arter she'd talked herself out of breath, she went along up to the
table, and spreading her hands, sez she, "Take some refreshments, Mr.
Slick?"
"Wal," sez I, "I haint much hungry, but I do feel a leetle dry--so I
don't care if I du."
I went up to the table, and took a survey of the decanters and
cider-bottles; and arter a while, I made out to find one decanter that
looked as if it had something good in it, and poured about a thimble
full into two of the wine glasses, and filled up one for myself. Mrs.
Slick and her darter took up the glasses, and then I stepped back and
made a low bow, and sez I, "The compliments of the season!--or any other
interesting thing that you like. A person of your genius----" Here I
stuck fast, for somehow I forgot how cousin Beebe told me to top off in
the speech. But the old woman puckered up her mouth, and curchyed away
as if I'd said it all out; and the gal, she went over the same
manoeuvre, and laughed so silly, and put back her long curls with her
white gloves--for she had gloves on though she was tu hum--and sez she,
"_Oh_, Mr. Slick," and then her marm chimed in, and sez she, "Now that
you've mentioned genius, Mr. Slick, I do think my Jemima has a talent
for poetry."
Think sez I, it raly is surprising how much genius there is buried up in
these York brick houses. I hain't been to see a family since I've been
down here that hadn't some darter that _could_ write so beautiful, only
she was so proud and diffident and modest, that she could not be coaxed
to have any thing printed. Think sez I, if that leetle stuck up varmint
has took to poetry, there'll be a blaze in the newspaper world afore
long. She's sartin to set the North River on fire, if nobody else ever
did.