over hard to please, if a woman only had a title to her name; but I
wonder how on arth he contrived tu git so thick with the quality over
there in England. I ruther think I shall go over there and try my luck
one of these days, in his way, they seem to be so taken up with us
Yankees, but arter all if a feller has to go over England to let them
lords and editors puff him, afore anybody will take notice on him, he'd
better take tu some other bisness. There ain't a man in all this country
that ever wrote more genuine things than that chap did when he was a
leetle shaver in Yale College, and yet nobody would believe a word on't
till he went off to England. Now it's my opinion that he never wrote
anything arter he went off, half so much to his credit as he did afore,
and when he came here to York from about our parts, jest as I've come
now, if he didn't desarve tu be treated well then, why he don't now,
that's sartin. But I used to know him down East, and it's my opinion
that he's a first rate, hull-hearted feller, and a rale ginuine poet tu
boot! But I swanny! Miss Miles, I must be a going, you hain't no idea
how much I've got to du!"
With that I got up and made a bow. She made a curchy, and, sez she, "Mr.
Slick, call agin, we shall always be glad to see you."
"Sartinly," sez I; so I made another bow and cut stick down stairs into
the open street. But if Miss Miles ever ketches me on her premises
again, she'll ketch a weasel asleep. That Count may marry her--what
there is left of her--and go to grass, for what I care.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER IX.
A New York Parvenu--Jonathan's Account of his Cousin Jason Slick, and
how Jason was too lazy to work, and got rich on soft sodder--The dinner
of a Connecticut Coaster--A New York Coat of Arms, lions couchant and
levant--Yankee Ancestry--The way a Yankee speculates, and gets up
States, Railroads and Banks, by soft sodder.
DEAR PAR:
It is eenamost twelve o'clock, jest arter New Years, and here I be as
wide awake as a night hawk, and a feeling purty considerably rily in the
upper story. So I believe it'll be about the best thing I can du tu
clap down and tell you all about New Year's Day here in York.
But first I want tu tell you something about all the trials and troubles
that I've had tu go through since I wrote my last letter--I don't
believe there ever was a human critter so chased arter as I've been.
They talk about Cherry street not being fashionable, but I'll be darned
if I believe there's a more genteel street in the city. It's the folks
that live in a place that make it genteel or not, and if Cherry street
aint at the top of the mark afore many more weeks, it'll be because I
move my office out on it, for there's no eend to the great shiny
carriages that come down and stop afore my door, eenamost every hour in
the day. It raly does look funny enough to see great pussey fellers, as
big as the side of the house, a sitting in them things all bolstered up
with cushions and kivered over with skins, like a baby shut up in a
go-cart afore it begins tu run alone.
T'other day there was one of these fat chaps come into my office, and
sot out tu make me believe that he was a sort of a relation of mine. I
didn't feel jest right, for since I begun to print my letters in the
Express it beats all natur how many relations, that I never heard on
afore, have been a trying tu scrape an acquaintance with me. Wal, after
a good deal of beating about the bush, this chap at last made out purty
tolerably clear that he was a kind of a great toe cousin of our'n, and
that he was born and brought up in Weathersfield. He come his soft
sodder over me mighty smooth, and had a good deal to say about how much
he thought of us all, and how fond he'd been of Sam and me. I wish you
could a seen how he pussed out his mouth and breathed through his nose,
and what a heap of pomposity he put on when he was a talking. He acted
jest like our old turkey gobler, when he goes training the young turkeys
round the barnyard, with his wings feathered out and his tail spread.
Wal, arter talking all kinds of rigmarole for about an hour, he begun to
tell how hard it was for a young man tu start in the world, and git
along without somebody tu give him a push up the hill, and that it
didn't make much odds how much genius a man had, or how smart he was, if
he hadn't some rich and influential friend tu back him up.
"Now," sez he, "cousin Slick," and you can't think how easy he seemed tu
call me cousin; "you've done purty well since you come to York,
considering that you hadn't nobody to help you along but Mr. Beebe; but
you must git a peg higher yit; we must introduce you among the
aristocracy."
"The what?" sez I.
"The aristocracy," sez he agin, strutting back, and poking one hand down
into his trousers' pocket, as if he was a going tu take something out.
Wal, think sez I, I s'pose arter he's fumbled about long enough, he'll
show me what aristocracy is, if he carries it about in his pocket like
the rest on 'em; but he only took out a piece of pinted gold, and begun
to poke it between his teeth; and arter he'd got through, he made out tu
finish what he was a saying.
"Now," sez he, "I think I've seen Mr. Beebe at the New England dinner,
and at one or two places of that sort where one meets almost every body,
and for a merchant that hasn't made enough to leave off business, I dare
say he's a very respectable sort of a man, but he don't exactly belong
tu the--the; that is, tu the class--who--which I mean tu take you inter,
Mr. Slick; a class that claim some standing from their ancestors--men of
family, that can be traced back like our's, cousin."
"Yes," sez I, sort o' pleased, "I believe we never had many relations tu
be ashamed on. Par always used to say that grandpa Slick could make
about the harnsomest pair of cow-hide boots of any feller in
Weathersfield; and as for uncle Josh, I'd be darned if ever I saw his
equal at shoeing a hos. They were prime old chaps both on 'em--rale
peelers, I can tell you. Now, come tu think on it, there was one lazy
coot of a feller that never would work for a living; but he went off
when I was a little shaver, and our folks don't know what became of him.
He warn't much credit to us, that's a fact."
I don't know what on arth made my pussey cousin get so fedgety all tu
once, but he begun to hitch about in his chair, and turned as red as a
winter apple; and, sez he--
"Cousin Slick, this isn't the way we gentlemen prove that we are men of
family. If that was the way we did it, there aint many men in the
country that would go back two generations without breaking their neck
over a lap stone or an anvil. Now I have taken a good deal of pains to
trace out our family line, and the only way I could du it was to skip
all the mechanics and farmers, jest touch slightly on the merchants,
lawyers and ministers, but to dwell purty particularly hard on them that
lived high and did nothing; now a days it helps a feller along a good
deal if he can count up an author or so; and it was considered something
of a feather in a man's cap if any of his relations were sent to
Congress a few years ago; but now, since they've got a kicking up a dust
every other day in the Capitol, and to spitting fire at each other like
dogs and cats, it don't help a man much to claim any of them for
connexions except here and there one that has got decency enough to be
ashamed of the rest. I begin to be glad that none of our family ever got
into politics much; but step to the door cousin Slick, and I'll show you
the coat-of-arms that I've got on my carriage."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't care if I du, though it comes kinder tough to
leave the stove this cold day." With that I tipped down my chair, and
took my feet off from the stove and went to the door. By gracious! but
he had a smasher of a coach standing there. It glistened and shone in
the sun like a house afire. A great strapping nigger sot on a kind of
double chair with a low narrer back, kivered over with fine brown
broadcloth, all fringed and tossled off like any thing--and a great bear
skin was hauled up over his legs, all scolloped off with red cloth and
stuck over with coons' tails. The horses beat all live critters I ever
did see; they were as black as crows, and I couldn't say which glistened
the most, their tarnal smooth coots, or the harness put over them. They
were all kivered over and sot out with silver. The horses had great
yaller roses stuck on the sides of their heads, like a gal when she's
dressed up for a party. My pussey cousin, he opened the door, and sez
he,
"Look a here, cousin, haint this purty well got up?"
I looked inside, and there was a leetle sort of a room about big enough
for cousin Beebe to put his swarry in, if he wanted to carry it about
with him. It was all lined off and stuck full of cushions, and tossled
and fringed like a curtained bed. Two great spotted skins lay tumbled up
in the bottom, and there were leetle glass doors with steps to them on
both sides; it raly was harnsome enough to make a feller's eyes feel
snow-blind.
"Wal," sez I, a looking at my pussey cousin; "this does about take the
shine off eenamost all the coaches that ever stopped to my office--and
there's been a grist on 'em, I can tell you, and some with tarnal
handsome ladies in them too."
"Yes," sez he, sort of interrupting what I was going to say; "but you
haint a looking at the coat of arms--that is what I want you to see."
"Wal," sez I, a giving the nigger a purty general survey, that sot back
of the horses dressed up in sort of regimentals, all finefied off with
buttons and yaller cloth; "The coat is well enough--I don't see much to
find fault with in it, though to own the truth, Captin Wolf, of the
Weathersfield Independent Company, had a training coat that beats it all
tu nothing. As for the critter's arms, niggers may be different to white
people in that way, but I don't see much odds--mebby you mean this other
chap's, and his are long enough, that's a fact."
With that I jest took a good squint at a great tall shote of a feller,
with arms like a pair of flails hung up arter threshing. He was a
standing up back of the coach, and a hanging on to a couple of great
tossels fastened to it, as independent as a monkey in a show. His coat
and trousers were just like the nigger's, and he had a great wide band
of gold stuff round his hat! my pussey cousin only shook his head when I
looked at the chap. The nigger twisted his neck round, and the tall
varmint stuck his'n up, and they begun to grin and tee hee at each other
over the coach.
"See here, this is what I mean," sez my cousin; and his fat cheek begun
to grow red with the cold or something. With that he put his finger on a
picter, all sprigged out with gold that was figgered on the door, and
sez he, "this is the coat and arms."
"Wal," sez I, "I've seen a good many picters, but I never heard them
called by that name afore. I s'pose this is some York notion that you've
picked up, aint it?"
"It's the ginuine thing," sez he, "and I paid a deal of money for it, I
can tell you."
"Wal," sez I, a looking at the consarn purty sharp; "them two critters a
lying down there cut a considerable of a dash, that's a fact; but the
rooster on the top, that are beats all. It's so nat'ral, it seems to me
as if I could hear it cockadoodledoo right out."
"Yes," sez my cousin, "that is well done, aint it? But I see you don't
exactly comprehend the science of heraldry. Now all these things mean
something."
"You don't say so!" sez I.
"These are lions couchant," sez he, a pinting tu the wild critters.
"You don't say so!" sez I agin; "I've seen a good many lions in the
shows that travel through Weathersfield, but I never saw a croushong
afore. They look purty much alike, don't they though?"
With that the two varmints stuck up at each eend of the carriage begun
tu tee hee agin, and my pussey cousin, sez he, "Mr. Slick, supposing we
go in."
"Wal," sez I, "but if you'd jest as lives, I should kinder like tu know
what the rooster means afore we go."
"Can't you guess what part of the Slick family that belongs to?" sez he,
a strutting up and rubbing his hands together as proud as could be.
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know, without it belongs to Aunt Lydia--par's old
maid of a sister; she sartinly did beat all natur at raising chickens.
You never heard of an egg turning out rotten, or a duck gitting drowned,
on her premises."
With that the two chaps giggled right out, and stuck their fists into
their darn'd great tatur-traps as if they felt a cold; and my pussey
cousin, sez he, "it's a gitting cold--less go in."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't care if we du; but I tell you what, if them two
chaps don't jest hush up their yop, I'll give them both an allfired
thrashing--I will, by gosh!"
I ruther guess the two mean critters hauled in their horns a few at
this; and arter I'd gin them both a purty savage look, we went into the
office agin.
"Now," sez my pussey cousin, jest as soon as we'd both sot down agin,
"Cousin Slick, I've found you out, and I mean to du something for
you--something harnsome, you may depend on't. Jest you call up to my
house next New Year's day, and git acquainted with my folks, and arter
that you needn't be consarned about anything. I'm purty well known here
in the city, and _my_ relation can hold up his head almost anywhere, I
should think! I was down tu the Astor House t'other day," sez he, a
stopping to git breath and stretching both his legs out straight, while
he stuck both hands in his pockets, mighty big, "and there was that
foreign Count and Miss Miles's brother running on about you, and
swearing that they'd skin you alive the first time they caught you in
Broadway; but I went up tu them, and sez I, 'that young gentleman is a
near relation of mine, and anything you say agin him, I take tu myself.'
You can't think, cousin Jonathan, what an impression it made! So you
needn't have the least fear of what they can du while I stand by
you--they know me."
With that, my pussey cousin got up--and arter he'd shook hands with me,
he went off, carriage and all. I say, par, I wish I could give you some
idee of him. Did you ever see a great spotted toad a swelling under a
harrer, or a turkey gobbler jest afore thanksgiving?
I say nothing; but didn't I larf arter he'd gone. The great stuck-up
bear, with his family, and his hens and roosters--he go to grass.
Wal, jest as soon as my pussey cousin had cleared out, I put on my hat,
and streaked it down to Peck slip, for Captin Doolittle has jest put in
agin with another load of garden sarce; and think sez I, mebby he can
tell me something about this chap, for he knows eenamost everybody that
ever lived anywhere about Weathersfield.
The Captin had jest sot down to dinner, and was a digging away like all
natur, at a hunk of cold pork and a raw onion; a mug of something hot
stood on the locker afore him, and he looked like live, I can tell you.
"Wal, Jonathan," sez he, a looking kinder skewing at my new trousers,
"Wont you set by and take a bite?"
"Wal," sez I, "I shoudn't mind if I did, but to-morrow is New Year's,
and I've got tu go and see a hull heap of these York gals, and I'm
afeard my breath will smell of the onions."
I wish you could a seen how Captin Doolittle stared, as he stuck his
face close up tu mine, giving his jack-knife a grip, he struck the butt
eend of it down on the locker, and sez he,
"Jonathan, they're a spiling you down here in York, they be, by hokey!
Go hum, I tell you, and marry Judy White--she knows what's what, and I
can tell you these York gals that turn up their noses at the smell of
onions, can't have decent bringing up any how. They've sot you agin
onions already, and it wont be a great while afore you'll turn agin your
own relations."
"Now," sez I, "Captain Doolittle, don't say that are, it makes me feel
bad, and I don't desarve it. A feller that will let money, or a stuck up
name, or the handsomest gal that ever trod shoe leather set him agin his
own father and mother, desarves tu be kicked tu death by grasshoppers."
This seemed to sort of mollify the captin, but he stripped the peel off
another onion mighty wrothy, and arter a minit sez he. "Wal, Jonathan,
I'm glad to hear that you've got some of your old notions left, but I
always make a pint not to talk when I'm a eating, so if you won't set
by, why just keep a stiff jaw while I stow away another slice of pork
and this piece of onion, and then I'm the man for you."
With that he went to cutting off a chunk of pork and a chunk of onion to
hand about, till it fairly made my eyes water to see him crunch them
down. Arter a while he wiped his jack-knife on his cuff, shut it tew
with a jerk, and put it in his trousers' pocket; then he took a pull at
the mug, and arter he'd got a long nine purty well a going, he stretched
out his legs, and sez he:
"Wal, Jonathan, what did you come for, if you didn't want nothing to
eat?"
With that I sot down and told him all about my pussey cousin. I could
see that the critter had heard on him afore by the way he twisted his
mouth around about the long nine; but when I told him about the carriage
and rooster and so on, he jest took and gave the long nine a fling,
clapped his thumb agin the side of his nose, and winking one eye, make
his fingers twinkle up and down for as much as a minit without saying a
word; arter a while he asked the critter's name, and when I told him, he
jumped up, cut a pigeon wing over the locker, and stopping right afore
me, winked t'other eye, and sez he--
"Look a here, Jonathan, didn't your par never tell you about Jase Slick,
the great lazy coon, that got married and went off West, because he was
so allfired lazy that he couldn't git a living like other folks? Jest
let me cool off a leetle, and I'll tell you all about him."
With that the Captin brushed away the onion skins and we sot down
together on the locker, and sez he--"Mebby your par never told you what
an etarnal lazy shote Jase was, but he did beat all natur for doing
nothing but swop jack-knives and pitch coppers. He was a tickler though
at trapping mushrats and shooting foxes, and he use to send the skins
down here to York. Now it aint common that you'll find a lazy shack of a
feller very tight about money, but Jase was as close as the bark of a
tree; he'd a skinned a musketoe any day for the hide and taller. I don't
believe the critter ever stood treat in his hull life; I don't, by
gracious.
"Wal, arter all, he warn't a bad hearted feller; but when he see that
all the gals turned up their noses at him, and didn't give him invites
to their quiltings and so on, he coaxed me to let him work his passage
down here to York. He used to send his skins by me, and so I kinder felt
for him, and kept track on him a good while arter he got here. He did
purty tolerably well at first, considering who it was--he bought a
hand-cart, and took people's trunks and sich things up from the
steamboats and sloops that put into Peck slip; but there was too much
work about that to suit him; so he got somebody to lend him a little
money and sot up a rum shop close by the slip.
"Arter that," sez the Captin, a picking up his long nine and a lighting
it, "arter that I kinder lost track on him, but somebody told me that
he'd swopped off his stock and gone out West. Wal, two years go by purty
quick, you know, Jonathan--or if you don't know, you will, when you git
to be as old as I am--and I couldn't but jest believe it was so long
since I'd seen the critter, when I met him smash in the face one day
when I was a scooting up Wall-street, to get specie for a five dollar
bill. Gracious me! how he was a strutting up the side-walk--didn't he
cut a swarth--with his shiney black coat and the bunch of golden seals a
hanging down from his watch fob! He didn't seem to know me at fust, but
I went right straight up to him and sez I--
"'Wal, Jase, how do you do?' I never--how he did look! First he kinder
held out his hand a leetle, and then he hauled it back agin, and, sez
he, 'how do you du, sir?' but he seemed to be all in a twitter. I didn't
seem to mind it, but I stuck my hands in my pockets jest as you do,
Jonathan, there in your picters--and sez I--
"'Tough and hearty as ever. How does the world use you about these
times?'
"It was as much as I could du to keep from larfin right out, to see the
etarnal pussey critter skew his head round and look at the stream of men
that was a going up and down on each side of the way, as if he was
afraid that some on 'em would see us, the mean sneaking coot! Arter a
minit he sez, sez he, 'Captin, I'm in a hurry now, but I s'pose you can
be found in the old place. Good morning.'
"With that he jest put both hands under his coat tail, and tilting it up
a leetle, went sailing along up the side-walk like a prize hog jest
afore killing time. I snorted right out all I could du to help it. Then
I bent down my knees a leetle, and stuck my hands down hard in both
pockets, and I ruther guess the whistle I sent arter him made all the
folks stare a few. It wasn't good manners, but I sarved him right.
Jonathan, I'd been a friend to the critter when he wanted one bad
enough, and any man on arth that's ashamed of his acquaintances because
he's got a peg above them in the way of money is a coward and a mean
shote,--there's no two ways about that.
"Wal, arter seeing Jase in the street so stuck up, I jest inquired a
little about him, what he'd been a doing and so on; and arter a while, I
found out what made him so mighty obstroporous. You see he'd found out
it warn't so easy tu git a living in York without doing some kind of
work, so he absquatelated, as they say down here--but I don't think
that's a ginuine word--and went off West.
"There he mushquashed round in the woods till he got tired of that kind
of fun, and then he squat down on a section of wild land, cogitating a
way tu git a living without grubbing for it. Arter a while he went round
to all the places that had any people to brag on, and put up to the
taverns, and told every body he met there about the spot where his land
lay--what capital land it was--what good water and allfired heavy
timber. He sent here tu York and got him a map all pictured out chuck
full of water privileges and all sorts of things, till he raly made the
people believe that he'd found the very spot where the millinium was a
going tu begin; a place where every holler tree was stuck full of honey
comb, where the wild cats went pouring about like so many rabbits, and
the hen hawks cum down as kind as could be tu help the hens feed their
little chickens.
"Wal, it warn't long afore his soft sodder begun to work among the
greenhorns like yeast in a kneading trough full of dough. Jonathan, if
you ever see a flock of sheep shut up in a paster, you know something
worth while about human natur. The minit one takes it into his head to
clear the stun wall for another lot, the others all foller hilter
skilter, as if the old Harry had kicked them on eend. Your Cousin Jase
knew a thing or two about the natur of mankind--he got the first sheep
to make a jump, and, hurra! it warn't no time before his section was all
cut up into town lots, and grist mills whirling three stuns, wherever
there was a quart of water tu make them go; and there was no eend to the
corduroy roads and log bridges, and great kivered waggons, chuck full of
women and children and other housen stuff, with baskets and brass
kittles a hanging on behind, that travelled over them eenamost from one
year tu another. When folks began tu wonder what on arth he'd du next,
the critter got his territory transmogrified into a State, and then he
sot railroads a twistyfying every which way all through his lands; and
that made things rise in value like a toad stool in a hot night.
"By the living hokey, the critter wasn't content with this, but he got
another kink into his head that did beat all. One way or t'other, I
don't know how, he got all his land and railroads and so on, worked up
into pieces of paper that they call scrip; he bundled them all into his
great coat pocket and come down to York again. And in less than no time
he had the scrip all cut up into these red-backed bills with picters on
'em, that they offer here in York for money--then he sot up a bank on
his own hook, where he keeps a making money hand over fist. He has a
good chance, I tell you, for he owns all in the bank; so he's President,
Cashier, and everything else, all himself, and arter all his laziness,
he's worth an allfired grist of money considering how he got it."
I swanny, I couldn't hardly keep still while Captin Doolittle was a
talking. I felt all over in a twitter, and my mouth would keep a sort of
open with thinking so eager of what he was a saying. The minit he'd done
I jumped up and hollered right out--
"Hurra," sez I, "if that aint Yankee all over. I haint the least doubt
now but the critter is jest what he says he is--Slick to the back bone.
Do you s'pose there is any animal on arth besides a full-blooded
Connecticut Yankee that would have gone that way to get rich--all soft
sodder and no work? I tell you what it is, captin, I'm raly proud tu own
the critter. He's done some good in his day and generation, if he is so
stuck up; for it aint in the natur of things for a feller to git rich
himself without making a good many others better off. To help himself a
great deal a chap _must_ help others a little, that's my notion."
"Yes," sez the captin, "but it's an etarnal shame for these chaps tu
curl up their noses at honest men."
"Jest so," says I.
With that I put on my hat, and was jest a going to cut stick--but Captin
Doolittle, sez he--