lions never do anything as other people do!--I don't wonder Miss Beebe's
proud of him."
The young fellers joined in and stopped larfin as quick as could be, the
minit they begun to see how the wind was a blowing up in my quarter, and
when I finished off and led the black eyed gal tu one of the footstools,
there was no eend tu the soft sodder they all put on tu me. Sez I tu
myself, nothing like keeping a stiff upper lip with these stuck up
fashionables, for arter all they aint more than half sartin what's
genteel and what aint.
Jest then the music begun agin, and one of them tall hairy lipped
fellers got up with a purty little gal, that didn't look more than
eighteen years old, and he put his white gloves on a little tighter, and
then I'll be darned if he didn't begin to hug her right there afore all
on us. He put one arm round her little waist jest above the hump on her
back, and he took one of her hands in his'n, and then she looked up into
his eyes and he looked down into hers as loving as two pussy cats, and
then they begun to make cheeses on the carpet till you couldn't have
told which was which.
I never felt my blood bile so in all my life; it raly didn't seem
decent, and if she had been a relation of mine, I'll be darned to
darnation if I wouldn't have knocked that pesky varmint into a cocked
hat in less than no time. I'd a made him glad to eat himself up hair and
all, greasy as it must a tasted, tu have got out of my way. Oh! but I
was wrathy with the coot for a minit; and then says I to myself, "I
don't know as the chap's so much to blame, arter all, it's the gal's
own fault; if she likes to be hugged and whirled round so afore the
folks, the feller must be an allfired fool not to like it as much she
does; but, thinks I, if the gal means to git married, her bread will be
all dough agin, arter this, for no decent honest man would want to marry
a gal arter he'd seen her tousled about afore fifty people, by such a
shote as that chap is."
As soon as the two critters sot down, the fellers and the gals all
locked arms and begun to stream out of the room. I thought I might as
well see where they were a going, so I jest crooked my arm, and the
black eyed gal put hers through it, and out we went into the entry way
tu a room further back, where all the company was standing about round a
table sot out with everything good on arth that a feller ever thought of
eating.
I thought the table, when I eat dinner at cousin John's, took the shine
off from everything that I'd ever seen afore in my life, but it warn't a
circumstance to this. There was no eend to the silver dishes and baskets
all sot out with flowers, and a running over with bunches of white
grapes and oranges, and everything else good that ever grew on arth! and
there were more than half a dozen little steeples, all made out of red
and white sugar candy, hung over with flowers and curlecued about with
little sugar images, and sich lots of cake, and presarves, and jelly,
and things that I'd never seen afore in my life. Everything glittered
and shone so it fairly took away my appetite. There was another little
table kivered over with decanters and with a lot of them cider bottles
that I've told you about, standing on it; but I kept purty clear of
that, I can tell you. Cousin Beebe cum to me with one of 'em in his
hand, and sez he, sort of larfin,
"Come, cousin Slick, take a glass."
Says I, "No, if you'd jest as lives, I'd a little ruther not, your York
cider don't agree with me."
"Oh," sez he, "it's only sham pain, try a little."
"I'm jest as much obliged to you, but I'd a little ruther not, it warn't
sham pain that I had in my head the day arter I drunk it before, I can
tell you."
With that cousin Beebe larfed, and sez he, "you must be gallant, and
help Miss Miles, she hasn't got no refreshments yit." I looked toward
the black eyed gal, and sure enough, there she stood as mute as could
be, looking on, while all the rest was a eating. I went up to her again,
and I made her a bow, and sez I,
"Miss Miles, what will you take? arter you is manners for me, and I
begin to feel a little as if I should like a bite."
I could see that tarnal purty mouth of hern begin to tremble, as if it
wanted to say something funny, but she looked in my face, and sez she,
"I'll take a little blue monge if you please."
I didn't know what she could mean, but there was some stuff in some
little blue glasses, that looked as much like soap suds as anything
else, and I took one of 'em out of the silver thing that it stood in,
and I jest stirred it up a little with the spoon, afore I give it to
her. I dont know what on arth become of the blue monge, but I hadn't
more than touched it when off it went, and left the glass eenajest
empty. Miss Miles larfed a little, and says she,
"Thank you, the syllabub will do jest as well. A few grapes, and a
trifle of that jelly, if you please."
"But," sez I, holding the glass, and a lookin down on the carpet and
over my new trousers, "where on arth can that monge have gone tu! I hope
there aint none of it got on tu your silk frock, Miss Miles."
"Oh, no," sez she, "don't mind it, the grapes will do jest as well."
I took up a plate and gave her a great whopping bunch from off one of
the dishes, and then I made another bow, and, sez I--
"Anything else, Miss Miles? I'd do anything on arth to oblige you."
She twisted up that plump little mouth of hern in one of the handsomest
smiles I ever see, and, sez she, "I'll take that rose bud that dropped
from the grape basket when you took these out."
I swan, but she looked plaguy harnsome, I couldn't but jest keep from
staring right in her face all the time. I felt my heart a floundering
about, like a pullet with its neck twisted, when she said this, and I
took up the rose bud between the fingers of my yaller gloves, and I
stepped back and made as genteel a bow as I could, considering I hadn't
room to square my elbows, and, sez I--
"I hope you'll keep that ere to remember me by."
She gave me another of them tarnation bright smiles, and she stuck the
rose in her bosom, and sez she, kinder larfin a little--
"What shall I give you, Mr. Slick? This myrtle sprig? it'll keep green
longer than your rose."
"No thank you," sez I, a looking at her as killing as could be, "I'll
take it; but I don't want anything to make me remember you."
I kinder expected that she'd have blushed a little when I said that; but
somehow these city gals don't color up very easy. She smiled again, and
sez she--
"Well, Mr. Slick, you must call and see how well your rose keeps with
me. Mrs. Beebe, will come with you any time."
Sez I, "but I aint sartin as you'll be glad to see me, you must have a
great many beaus, and I may be in the way."
She was a going to answer me, but jest then that tarnal varmint with the
hair come up with a plate in his hand, and sez he--"Let me help you tu a
jelly, Miss Miles."
I could have knocked the critter into the middle of next week, I was so
tarnal mad; but there he stood a bowing and a smiling through his hair
lip like an etarnal monkey that had got the stomach ache, and I couldn't
get a word in edge ways. I couldn't eat a morsel, but I took up one of
the cider bottles without a thinking what I was a doing, and I drunk two
glasses right off, and arter that I felt a little better; but I'll be
darned if it didn't make me grit my teeth tu see that stuck-up coot work
his arm as if he warnted to go into t'other room with Miss Miles. She
looked round as if to see where I was, and then I went right straight
up, and, sez I tu him--
"Arter _me_ is manners for _you_."
With that I took her little hand in my yaller glove, and I put it into
my arm as genteel as could be, and walked straight into t'other room
with her. She sot down on one of the settees, and I jest pulled one of
the footstools close up to her, and there we both sot as sociable as
could be till the folks all come back agin. Arter that I had to git up
and give a pale-looking gal my seat; but I kept a standing up by the
eend of the settee, till Cousin Beebe come up tu me, and, sez he--
"Cousin Slick, jest step this way a minit."
He went right between the silk winder curtins into the place where the
bushes, and the birds, and the swarry was, and sez he--
"Cousin Jonathan, did you know that the straps to your pantaloons have
slipped out from under you boots?"
"You don't say so," sez I, a looking down at hisen, tu see how he fixed
them, for I didn't want him to think that I'd left 'em so on purpose;
but I felt awful streaked when I see his was buttoned under the sole of
his dancing pumps.
"Here, jest lift up your foot," sez he.
I histed my foot up, and he jirked the strops down quick enough; but I
swan if I didn't feel as if he'd corded me up tu see how long I'd keep.
I didn't wonder the chaps sidled and wriggled about so when they tried
tu dance, a feller couldn't take a regular strong step tu save his life,
girt up in a pair of these new-fashioned trousers.
"Look a here, cousin Beebe," sez I, jest as he was a going out, and I
pinted tu the naked marble woman a standing among the bushes, with the
light a coming in from t'other room onto her, till she looked like a
harnsome ghost a walking among the bushes by moonlight; "if you'll take
a fool's advice you'll buy a frock and petticoat for that purty swarry
of yourn, afore you have another party. How should you feel if some of
them young gals was tu cum in here?"
John bust out a larfin, and I raly thought the critter would never stop.
"Now what are you a haw-hawing about?" sez I, sort a wrathy, "because I
cum here with my trousers slipped up a leetle. I don't s'pose anybody
but you see them."
"Oh never think about it," sez he, a biting in, but the tears kept a
running down his cheeks, for all that. "If they did see it, they'll set
it down for the eccentricity of genius, as the young ladies say. You
literary chaps can do a'most anything now-a-days."
"I begin to think we can," sez I, for jest that minit I remembered all
that tarnal sweet critter, Miss Miles, had been a saying to me, and I
looked down tu see if the sprig of myrtle was in my button-hole yit.
When we went into the room, there warn't scarce any of the party left. I
stood by one of the doors till I saw Miss Miles cum down with her purty
face half buried up in a great silk hood--so I jest went with her to the
door, and there stood a carriage with a nigger a standing by the
door--so I jest took hold of her hand and helped her to git in; and
arter that I felt so lonesome, I bid cousin Mary good night and made
tracks for my office. I ruther think I won't tell what I dreamed
about--you old steady folks do love to larf at a young chap so--and as I
ruther think I shall cum hum tu thanksgiving, I don't mean to let you
all poke too much fun at me.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER VII.
Scenes in Broadway--Jonathan's Interview with the Count and Flirtations
with Miss Miles.
DEAR PAR:
I am eenamost sartin that you was disappinted because I didn't come hum
to thanksgiving, but somehow I couldn't raise pluck enough to start, all
I could du. I raly don't know what seemed to be the matter with me; but
arter Miss Beebe's party, I begun to git as peaked and wamblecropped as
could be. I swanny, if it didn't set me all in a fluster the next
morning, when I got up and found the sprig of myrtle that Miss Miles
give me a lying on the floor jest where it had dropped from the button
hole of my new coat.
I didn't hardly give myself time to put on my clothes, afore I went out
to a crockeryware stand and bought a tumbler to put it in; and then I
set it on my desk, and tried to write a little, for I didn't feel jest
like eating any breakfast. But it warn't of no use trying--all I could
du, every idee in my head got fixed on the myrtle, and Miss Miles, and
the party. I didn't write two words together, but scrabbled all over the
paper, and figgered out little heads, and meeting-houses, and hay-stacks
on it, as nat'ral as could be; but if I'd been hung and choked to
death, I couldn't a wrote two rale ginuine lines. I felt sort of odd all
over, and I hadn't the least notion what could ail me; it warn't a very
tedious feeling, though, but it seemed as if I was a dreaming yit, and
all about that tarnation little Miss Miles. I kept a seeing them bright
black eyes and them long curls of hern all the time, as plain as day.
I'll be choked if I didn't git afeared that I was a beginning to have a
kind of a sneakin notion arter her, and sez I to myself, "Mr. Jonathan
Slick, this won't do no how. Arter what you've seen of woman natur in
that Judy White, you must be a darned crazy shote to poke your fingers
in that fire agin." But a feller may as well drink tu much lickor and
ask it not to make him stagger, as to git his head chock full of the
gals and then try to talk common sense to hisself. It is like giving
advice to a rat when his leg is in the trap.
The long and short of it was, I couldn't set still, and I couldn't think
of anything on arth but that gal, so I jumped up all tu once and sez I
to myself--"Wal, one way or t'other, by hook or by crook, I'll see her
agin--I will, by hokey! it's of no use to git down in the mouth about
it, she can't do more than give me the mittin, any how, and it will be
the first gal I ever got it from, if she does, I can tell her that."
I was so anxious that it seemed forever afore I got on my dandy coat and
trousers agin. My hankercher smelt purty strong yit of the essence of
peppermint, so I fixed it right in my pocket, put on my yaller gloves,
and stuck the sprig of myrtle in my bosom afore I gin the last peak into
the leetle looking-glass that hangs in a corner of my office. I don't
think there could be much said agin my looks, as I went down Cherry
street with my head flung back, sort of independent, and the tip eend of
my yaller gloves stuck in my pocket. Consarn that Broadway tailor! he
made the trousers so tight that I couldn't get a hull hand in no more
than I could fly.
Miss Miles lives clear up to the further eend of Broadway, so I took a
short cut across the Park, and went along by the Astor House. A lot of
dandyfied looking chaps stood on the steps a staring at the harnsome
gals as they went by, all furbelowed and finefied out like a stream of
garden flowers all in full blow.
They may talk about England and France and Garmany, as well as all the
other big places that a feller can pint out on the map; but, for my
part, I don't believe there is a place on the arth where the wimmen
dress so allfired costly as they du here in York. It raly is enough to
make a feller grit his teeth to see the harnsome critters sideling and
curchying along the stun walks, wrapped up in silks and satins and
velvets, and all sorts of feathers, as long as them that Captain Jones
wore in his training cap, as if it only wanted a fiddler to set them all
a dancing, when their husbands are out a shinning and working themselves
to death to keep their notes from being sued by the lawyers. It don't
seem right, but yit they do look tarnal killing in their furbelows--it's
of no use denying that.
But one thing did raise my dander a leetle as I went along, that's a
fact. Any body that had half an eye could see that all the young gals
were possessed after them foreign chaps with the brustles and whiskers.
Every once in a while one of the indecent varmints would come along with
his head twisted round under some purty woman's bonnet, talking as soft
and as mealy-mouthed as could be, like an old grey cat mewing round a
bird cage, and the gals seemed all in a twitter, they were so tickled,
and screwed up their mouths, and smiled to show their teeth, and looked
as proud as peacocks of the etarnal impudent critters. I'll be darned if
I don't believe every one of them chaps are barbers or chair-makers when
they are to hum, and hearing what a chance the York gals give every kind
of animals that come from foreign parts, and how they begin to turn up
their noses at a rale true born American, whenever they can git a chance
to make fools of themselves with them hairy lipp'd fellers, they've come
over here to York to court the gals and git up a new crop of hair to
begin bisness with when they git hum agin. Think sez I, it wouldn't be a
bad joke sometime about six months arter this, if some of them same gals
that don't think nothing of chasing arter them fellers, should buy his
whiskers and all the rest on 'em that they fall in love with, stuffed
into a footstool, sich as I saw at Miss Beebe's. Stranger things than
that has happened afore now, I reckon.
It raly made me feel bad to see tall, harnsome-looking fellers, ginuine
Americans, with revolutionary blood in their hearts, a standing on the
tavern steps, and a walking all alone up and down the streets as
molancholy as mice in an empty mill, while their own wimmen folks, that
ought to feel ashamed of themselves, were a talking and smiling and
giggling with that pack of varmints. It made my blood bile to see it, I
can tell you.
You wont think it exactly like a Christian to run on as I du about them
fellers, I'm afeard; but the truth of it is, I _do_ hate 'em like pison.
If I owned a caravan of living animals, darn me, if I wouldn't catch
some on 'em for specimens, and cage 'em up for a show. They wouldn't be
a strutting up Broadway and a showing themselves for nothing much
longer, I can tell them that! They talk about Yankee speculations; I
reckon this would be a prime one--wouldn't it? If a feller could only
get a good trap made, there wouldn't be no difficulty but we could find
purty gals--them that live in fine houses and hold up their heads as if
they were queens too--that would be willing enough to let you use them
for bate.
You wont be surprised that I am wrothy about them chaps when I tell you
how I was struck up jest arter I went by the Astor House. I was thinking
about one thing or another, when all to once I lifted my head and there
was Miss Miles a coming toward me a looking as fresh and harnsome as a
full blown butter cup, and close to her side, that Count with the
crabbed name that I saw at Miss Beebe's was a twistifying himself along,
with his head bent sideways till the great long white feather that she
wore in her bonnet all but swept across his eyes. I eenamost felt as if
I should holler out, and I raly believe I should have boo hooed right in
the street if I hadn't been so allfired wrathy at the sight of him. Oh!
but my Yankee grit did rise--I dug my hands down in my trousers' pocket
and walked right straight up to them a grinning like a hyena, for I was
detarmined to let them see that I didn't care a copper how much they
walked together. They were so busy twisting their heads about and a
looking soft sodder at each other that they didn't see me till I stood
right afore them as stiff as an iron crowbar, with my head up straight,
and one foot stuck out for'ard, as an independent and true born Yankee
ought to do when he sees himself imposed on.
There was no mistake in Miss Miles this time any how. She gave a little
scream and blushed as red as a turkey's comb, and then she looked about
sort of skeery as if she was afeard somebody would see how slick I'd
caught her. I was mad as all natur, but as true as you live I couldn't
but jest keep from haw hawing right out to see how that hair lipp'd
Count acted when he saw me a standing up afore him. He kinder stepped
back and stuck out one foot a little sideways, jest as if he was a going
to make a bow, and he twisted his little stuck up waist round till his
head poked out like a mud turtle when he wants to see if anybody is
near. Then he took a thing out of his vest pocket hitched to a gold
chain that he wore round his neck, and held it up to one eye, and there
he stood a staring at me and twisting his face and a brustling up his
hair lip, like an etarnal monkey. I didn't seem to mind him, but looked
right straight at Miss Miles, and sez I--
"How do you du, Miss Miles?"
She didn't seem to know how to take me at first, so she looked at the
feller and then at me, and, arter a while, sez she--
"Oh! Mr Slick, is it you?"
"Wal, I ruther guess it is," sez I, "but I s'pose my room's as good as
my company, I don't want tu keep you from talking tu your beau there."
"Oh! Mr. Slick," sez she, a twisting up her mouth and a looking in my
face, jest as she did the night afore, "how odd you men of genius are!
The Count, I'm sure, will be happy to meet you, won't you, Count?"
She called the coot by his hull name, but how she could twist that
little mouth of hern so as to git the word out, I can't tell. Arter that
she turned her head a little, and said something sort of low to him. She
smiled so harnsome, and her voice was so soft and coaxing, that I had
eenamost forgot the chap, but her talking to him made me rile up
agin--and jest as he was letting that half of a pair of spectacles down
from his eye, and was a beginning to put his face ship shape agin, I
walked right straight up to him, and sez I--
"Look a here you chap, I ruther guess you mean to know who I am the next
time you see me."
"Sare?" sez he, a standing up straight and opening his great black eyes
till they seemed chuck full of fire and brimstone.
"Wal, what on it?" sez I.
"You are impertinent," sez he.
"Wal, now I reckon that aint what I was baptized. I'll tell you what,
Mr. Hair-lip, I haint a going to let you nor any body else call me
names," sez I, a taking both hands out of my trousers pockets, and a
pulling up my yaller gloves, as spiteful as could be, jest to show him
that my mawlers were fit for use.
The feller's lips began to grow white, but he twisted them up as if he
wanted to make me think he didn't care for what I said.
"Sare," sez he, "do you know whom you are speaking to?"
"Wal," sez I, larfin in his face a leetle, "I ruther guess I du, though
I haint just made up my mind what kind of horned cattle you call
yourself yit: they give all sich stranger-critters a name, and I s'pose
you'll git one by-am-by, as well as the rest on 'em."
With that he turned as white as a tub of curd, and sez he--
"This is too much, sare; remember you are speaking to a Count." Here he
out with a name as long and crooked as a sassafras root.
"You don't say so!" sez I.
"I'm a nobleman!" sez he, and he was a going on to give me another
string of foreign jaw-breakers; but I jest sot down my foot, and sez I,
"Look a here, you feller--I don't care the value of a butnut-shell how
many names you've got; we don't own no Counts in this ere free land of
liberty, but them that can count down the most hard chink, and they have
to work tarnation hard afore they git the title, I can tell you. As for
your noblemen, we have raised a new-fashioned sort of 'em in this land
of liberty. In the Revolutionary War a hull grist on 'em sot their
titles down on our glorious Declaration of Independence, and there
they'll stay, as bright as the stars, to all etarnity, and a day longer.
We don't ask our noblemen who their fathers were, or how they got a
living. _Great deeds_ and--what's the same thing--_good deeds_ make
noblemen here. Every man has to work out his own title and when he dies,
instid of leaving it to some booby of a son, he writes his date out in
the history of his country, and takes it back to him who gave the power
to arn it. As for any other noblemen--though I believe arter all that
the true ginuine lords and counts that come out here are as scarce as
hen's teeth--" (here the count didn't seem to stand easy,) "we _true_
Americans, rale full-blooded Yankees, don't care any more for their
titles than we do for the stuns under our feet. It's only your
half-blooded Americans that have been baked over in Europe, and our
silly finefied gals that chase after you. An honest straight for'ard
Yankee gal would take you for jest what you are worth as _men_, and when
they du that, I rather guess we can pull an even yoke with any of you
that come from t'other side the water."
Here I gave Miss Miles a squint that made her wilt like a broken rose in
the hot sun! "Mr. Slick," sez she, eenamost crying, "I beg, I entreat,
let us walk on. See how the people are remarking us."
"Wal," sez I, sort of mollified, "I aint doing nothing to be ashamed on,
am I?"
"Oh, no," sez she, "I didn't mean to say that."