"Good morning, Mr. Slick, I'm very much obliged to you for calling;"
and with that he made another bow, and I give him one back again, and
made tracks for Cherry street, as tickled as could be.
Wal, when Thursday cum, I begun to feel mighty anxious about the party;
I had all the clothes sent down to my office, besides a prime hat, which
I got, and a pair of real dandy boots that sot to my foot like wax.
As soon as it was dark I shut myself up and begun to fix. I declare I
never did see anything fit as them checkered trousers did; they sot to
my legs like the tin moles to a pair of tallow candles in freezing time,
and I felt as if I'd been jest corked up in a junk bottle, foot
foremost. Arter I got them on, and all buttoned up tight, I begun to
think that I should have to go to the party in the blue mixed socks that
marm knit for me, the last thing afore I cum away from hum; for my feet
had got hung in a slip of leather, that was sowed across the bottom of
the trousers' legs, and how to get 'em out, so as to put on my boots, I
couldn't tell. I pulled and kicked till I eenamost bust off my gallows'
buttons but they wouldn't give a morsel, and at last I jest took hold on
the leathers, and I give them an allfired jerk till they slipped over my
heel, and arter that I made out to roll up the trouser's legs till I
could pull my boots on. When I pulled them down again the leathers stuck
out from the heel of my boot behind, as if I had got spurs on; I didn't
exactly like the feel of it, but "Who cares," sez I to myself, "a feller
may as well be out of the world as out of the fashion, especially down
here in York."
As soon as I'd got my trousers purty well braced up I put on the vest,
and it sot like a button, for there wur holes behind and strings that
laced up like a gal's corsets, and I girted up purty tight I can tell
you. I snuggers, them yaller sprigs did glisten, and arter I'd put on
the new stock that I bought along with the clothes, I rather guess I cut
a dash. It was all bowed off and curlacued over, with red and yaller
sprigs, and it made my neck look as slim and shiney as our big red
rooster's used to when he stretched his head out in the sun to see how
many old hens and spring pullets he'd got about him.
I swanny, if I hadn't been in such a hurry to git on my new things that
I forgot to wash my hands and face till jest as I was a putting on my
coat! I peeked in the little looking-glass that I've got hung up in my
office, and my hair was standing out every which way; and somehow my
teeth looked as yaller as if I'd been chawin tobaccy a hull week. What
to du I couldn't tell, but I picked up the Express, and looked into the
advertisements to see if I could find out anything to make my grinders
white--there warn't nothing there; but I happened to think that I'd seen
Doctor Sherman's tooth-paste puffed in some of the papers: and though I
don't mean to patronize anybody that don't advertise in our paper, I
thought, seeing as I was in a hurry, per'aps it would be as well to go
out and get some of it. I slipped on my old coat, and down I went into
Nassau street, eenamost to the corner of Fulton street, and I bought a
little cheny box full of red stuff, about as thick as hasty pudding, and
as sweet as honey, and back I went again to the office like a streak of
lightning.
I didn't know how to use the stuff, but think siz I, they must rub it on
their teeth somehow, so I spread some on the corner of my towel, and
began to polish away like all natur. It warn't two minits afore my teeth
was as white as a nigger's; so I jest washed them off in the hand basin,
and went at my hair, tooth and nail.
How on arth these York chaps make their hair curl so, I can't guess--I
tried to coax mine to twist up a little, on each side of my face, but it
warn't of no use. I combed it out with a fine tooth comb, and I put some
hog's lard scented with some of the essence of peppermint that marm give
me to use if I should git the stomach ache down here, and I twisted it
round my fingers, but it wouldn't stay curled a minit; so at last I gave
it up for a bad job, and put on my new coat as mad as could be.
I ruther guess you couldn't have found a better looking chap of my size
anywhere about, than I was, when I put on my yaller gloves, and fixed my
new red silk hankercher in my coat pocket, so as to let one eend hang
out a leetle, arter I'd put a few of the peppermint drops on it--and the
way I pulled foot up Pearl street and toward Broadway, wasn't slow I can
tell you. It takes a feller forever to fix here in York--I'd ruther
slick up for twenty quiltings and apple-bees, than for one swarry, I can
tell you. I was a'most skared to death, for fear I should be too late,
for it was eenajest dark afore I left the office, so I didn't let the
grass grow under my feet on the way to cousin Beebe's, you may be
sartin.
When I got to cousin Beebe's door, I pulled the silver knob kinder
softly, for I felt a sort of palpitation of the heart at going into a
room chuck full of quality; and I jest pulled up my dickey a little, and
felt to see if my hankercher hung out of my pocket about right, afore
the nigger opened the door. At last he made out to cum, and when I asked
if all the folks was tu hum, he begun to show his chalkies jest as he
did afore, and sez he,
"Yes, but they haint come down yit."
With that I pitched in, and, sez I, "Look a here, Cuffy, none of your
grinning at me, but jest mind your own bisness. I've come to see the
swarry that Mr. Beebe's been a buying to treat his company with; so jest
shut your darned liver lips, and show it to me."
"Oh," sez he, a trying to choke in, "the swarry is going to be in the
drawing room there, walk in."
"What, haint it come yit," sez I, "and where's all the folks?--I thought
he was going to have a party, too."
"Wal, so he is," sez the nigger, "but they haint begun to come yit."
"Wal, now," sez I to myself, "If this don't beat all creation. Now, in
Connecticut it would a been eenamost time to go hum agin; these Yorkers
du beat all for laziness." With that I went into the room. By the living
hokey, I never see anything like it! It was enough to dazzle one's eyes;
the two doors were slid back into the partition, and it seemed like one
great ball-room; and, besides that, there were too great winders at the
further eend, that opened into a place that seemed kinder like a garden.
I didn't know what to make of it, for it was chuck full of posies that
looked as bright and as green as if it was the fourth of July, and yit
it was a freezing like everything out of doors. I went down the room and
stuck my head through the winder, and as true as I live it was a little
room all full of bushes and roses sot up on benches; it had a glass
ruff, and the sides were one allfired great winder, with little vines a
hanging down over it, and a great tree chuck full of something that
looked like oranges, a standing up agin it.
There were five or six cages full of little yaller birds a hanging among
the bushes, and right back of the tree stuck over with oranges, stood a
marble woman a holding up a bunch of grapes cut out of marble, with a
lot of green leaves twisted round it as nateral as could be. It was
awful harnsome, but I swan if it didn't make me feel streaked to look at
her a standing there among the bushes, for she hadn't the least rag of
kivering on, and it raly was enough to make a feller blush to see her a
holding the grapes over her head, as if she wanted to make people look
at her.
Think sez I, is this the swarry that Cousin Beebe has bought to show his
company: I reckon he'd better have bought a calico frock or something of
that sort to kiver over it. I couldn't bear to look at it, and so I jest
turned about and stood still by the winder with my eyes wide open, for
at the t'other eend of the room was another garden with a naked swarry
and bushes in it, as much like the one I'd been a looking in as could
be. I went toward it, but stopped short, and burst out a larfin all by
myself, for it was nothing but the same garden a shining in the great
big looking glass, that I wrote to you about, that hung up right afore
me.
[Illustration: "Think, says I, is this the swarry that Cousin Beebe has
bought to show his company: I reckon he'd better have bought a calico
frock or something of that sort to kiver over it."--_Page 56._]
Arter I'd stole another sly look at the orange tree and the swarry, I
jest stuck my hands in my pockets as well as I could, considering they
were so tight, and stickin out one foot, leaned back again the winder
frame and looked around the room. A hot sweltering sun in dog days could
not have been brighter than everything was. There were two great things
hung by chains from the middle of both rooms, with hundreds and hundreds
of chunks of glass a hanging all over them; and they were stuck full of
candles as white as curd, all a burning and blazing, till they looked
like a heap of ice and snow hung up to melt in a fire. Both the mantle
shelfs were kivered over with them things that I told you about that
looked so much like gold; some on 'em were lamps, and some had great
white candles stuck into them; and there were lots on lots of flowers
set in among them that smelt as sweet as new hay, and such a shining
and glistening I never did see. The best on it all was, that the
whopping looking glasses on both eends the rooms made them seem twice as
long, and as if they had a great many more things in them than they raly
had. There were two round tables made out of some kind of cloudy stun,
about as large as marm's cherry-wood tea-table, a standing at both eends
of the rooms, all kivered over with leetle picters and all sorts of
play-things, besides heaps of books with morocco backs and sprigged off
with gold, all lying among them every which way, as if somebody had been
in a hurry, and had pitched them on the tables without staying to pile
them up.
Besides all that, they had brought in a whole heap more of them
footstools that I told you about, and they had put square kind of back
pillows all tossled off and kivered over with flowers at the eends of
the two settees, besides a good many other things that I haint time to
write about. "Wal," sez I to myself, "if Cousin Beebe don't take the
shine off these New Yorkers in his party I lose my guess; but I wonder
where on arth he contrives to raise money to do it with these hard
times, for all this must have cost him a few, I'm sartin."
Jest as I was thinking this, the cuffy come into the room, and sez I--
"Look a here, snow ball, when is the party a coming, I've seen the
swarry all I want tu, and I'm eenamost tired of standing here and doing
nothing."
"Wal," sez he, "I s'pose they'll be here in an hour or two,--it aint
mor'n eight o'clock yit."
"I rather guess I shan't stay here all alone any longer," sez I, and
with that I buttened up my coat, and jest took a walk into the Apollo
gallery to see the picters, till it was time for the party to cum. I
haint time to say anything about the heap of harnsome picters that I
saw, and besides, I mean to write you all about them some day afore
long, for they are curios I can tell you. I felt so much pleased with
looking at 'em, that it was long after nine afore I thought of it. So I
jest started off agin for Cousin Beebe's. When I went in this time the
rooms were brim full of people, and I was eenamost scared to death. I
unbuttoned my coat and pulled up my dicky a leetle, besides giving my
hair a brush--and then I went in with my head straight up, and my new
fur hat in my hand; jest as I used to go in the singers' seat, there in
Weathersfield. Think sez I, I'll jest let 'em know that I haint been to
dancing school for nothing. So I held my hat a leetle afore me by the
rim, and I made a genteel bow, first to one side and then to t'other.
Arter that, I went and sot down on one of the settees, and I looked
round for cousin Mary, for I felt kinder awk'ard; and I hadn't the least
idee that she wouldn't have come up, as she used to in Weathersfield,
and put out her hand and ask me if she should take my hat. But there I
sot with it between my hands, a fingering it over as if it had been a
hot potater, and she never cum near me. I felt dreadfully, for there was
a lot of harnsome gals a staring at me, and a puckering up their purty
leetle mouths, as if they would a gin the world to larf right out. Arter
a minit cousin John cum up to me, and sez he,
"Cousin Slick, I'm glad you've cum, step in the next room and take a
glass of wine with me. Mrs. Beebe is so crowded you won't get near her
jest yit."
I got up, and we went into the entry way together, and then says cousin
Beebe to the nigger, "Here, Ben, take Mr. Slick's hat."
The nigger took my hat and carried it off up stairs, and, arter a few
minits, cousin John went back into the room where the company was,
without saying another word about the wine.
"You had better go up and speak to Mary, now," sez he, kinder low;
"there she stands by Count ----." I didn't hear the name, but it was some
darned crabbed word, that was enough to choke a feller.
I hadn't looked round much when I cum in before, for somehow my head
didn't feel steddy; but arter cousin John cum and spoke to me, I didn't
seem to mind it, so I jest looked round as bold as could be. I declare I
never did see any body dressed out as cousin Mary was. She had on a
frock of shining satin, with harnsome pink sprigs all over it, and there
was a great wide ruffle round the bottom, made out of something that
looked as white and thin as a gal's veil the day arter she's married;
and that was hitched up on one side half way to her waist, with a pink
rose, made out of ribbon with long eends, that fell down eenamost to the
floor. A heap of some kind of shiney thin stuff was ruffled round her
bosom, and hung down round her arms, for her frock sleeves were short,
and made like a little gal's; and she had on a pair of white gloves,
with ribbon tops to 'em. One on 'em was fastened round her wrist with a
wide piece of gold, and three or four bands set full of shiny stuns wos
on t'other arm, which was plaguey white, or else I suppose she would not
have let folks see it.
Mary al'ers had a tarnal purty little foot, but I never see it look so
small as it did in that glistening white shoe of hern, and to own the
rale downright truth, she didn't seem to be much ashamed to show it, but
kept it stuck out from under her ruffler, as if she'd made up her mind
to be ready to make a curchy any minit. There was one thing that kinder
puzzled me a good deal; Mary's skin never was over white, but somehow it
looked like wax work, that night, and you never see a meadow pink look
brighter than her cheeks did; but instead of coming into her face and
going away again, as every man loves to see the color in a gal's face
when she's a talking, and knows that he's a looking at her, Mary's
always kept jest so; it didn't seem as if an earthquake would make her
turn pale. The hair hung in long curls down her cheeks and on her
shoulders, jest as it did the other day, and she had a great white rose
stuck in among the curls, on one side of her head, that looked as if it
hadn't but jest been picked off the bushes.
I looked at her putty earnestly, I can tell you, and I do think she
would have been a critter that John might be proud of, if it warn't for
that stuck up way which she's got since she cum down here to York. She
don't du nothing on arth nateral, and as she did when she was a gal in
Connecticut. Instead of standing up straight, and speaking to her
company as if she was glad to see them, she stood with one foot stuck
out and her hands jest crossed afore her, and kinder stooping for-ard,
as if she couldn't but jest stand alone; I never see a critter's back
stuck up as her's was, I raly thought she was a getting the rickets, and
I felt so anxious about it that I turned to cousin Beebe, afore I went
up to speak to her, and sez I, a sort of low--
"Cousin John, how did your wife hurt her back so? I declare it makes me
feel awfully to see what a great hump she's got a growing since she cum
away from Connecticut!"
With that cousin John looked at her and larfed a little, but I could see
he didn't feel jest right, and arter a minit he said, sez he,
"Hush, cousin, you must not speak so loud; it's true Mary has put on
rather _too_ much bustle, but it's the fashion, you see." I looked
round, and as true as you live there warn't a gal in the room that
hadn't her back a sticking out jest the same way. Such a set of
humpbacked critters I never did put my eyes on, and yit they all stood
about a smiling and a talking to the fellers as if nothing ailed them,
poor things! I never see a set of folks dressed out so much, and so
awfully stuck up as they were. Some of the gals had feathers in their
hair, and some had flowers or gold chains twisted among their curls, and
I didn't see one there that wasn't dressed up in her silks and satins as
crank as could be. As for the men, I thought I should have haw hawed
right out a larfin to see some of 'em; there was one chap talking to
Miss Beebe with his hair parted from the top of his head down each side
of his face, and it hung down behind all over his coat collar like a
young gal's just before she begins to wear a comb; and there was two
bunches of hair stuck out on his upper lip right under his nose, like a
cat's whiskers when she begins to get her back up. Every time he spoke
the hair kinder riz up and moved about till it was enough to make a
feller crawl all over to look at him. Think sez I, if it wouldn't be fun
to see that varmint try to eat. If he didn't get his victuals tangled up
in that bunch of hair, he must know how to aim allfired straight with
his knife and fork.
When I cum to look round there were more than a dozen chaps, rale
dandy-looking fellers, with their lips bristled out in the same way.
Think sez I, there are some men that would be hogs if they only had
bristles, as we say in Connecticut, but these chaps needn't keep out of
the gutters for want of them, they are ready for sarvice any time.
There were two or three ruther good-looking chaps, that didn't let the
hair grow on their upper lips, but it come up in a pint like a letter A
from the tip of the chins eenamost to their mouths. These fellers had
great hairy whiskers that made them look as if they had run all to head
like a seed onion. I swanny, I never did see such a set of infarnal
looking coots in all my life--a tribe of ribbed nosed babboons would
have looked ten times as much like men; and yet they did't seem the
least bit ashamed of themselves, but strutted round among the gals as
large as life, showing off with their white gloves on and white cambric
handkerchers, that I s'pose they borrowed from their sisters, stuck into
their pockets.
I wouldn't go up and speak tu Miss Beebe till that ninnihammer with the
brustles went away from her, for I was afeard that I couldn't hold in,
but should haw haw right out in his face, if I got tu looking at him too
stiddy. I raly didn't know which looked the worst, men running about
among decent people with dirty brustles under their noses, or women a
trying tu make themselves look humpbacked so as tu be in the fashion.
At last the chap with the brustles went off with a young gal into the
room where the bushes were, to look at the swarry, I s'pose, and so then
I went up tu Miss Beebe and I made a bow, and sez I--
"It's a pleasant evening, Miss Beebe."
"Yes," sez she, "it is very pleasant."
I didn't seem tu stand easy, so I put t'other foot for'ard, and wiped my
nose a little with my red hankercher.
"Any news a stirring?" sez I.
"Nothing particular that I know on," sez she.
I changed feet agin.
"I ruther thought it was a going tu rain, but I guess it won't now," sez
I.
"No, I ruther think not," sez she.
We stood stock still a minit, and then I put my hankercher in my coat
pocket agin, and, sez I--
"I swanny, Miss Beebe, you've got a grist of harnsome gals here
to-night. I'll be darned if I aint eenamost in love with some one on
'em."
"I'm sure you ought to be," says she, a puckering up her mouth, "you
don't know how much they have been a talking about you. I declare you've
got to be quite a lion since you took to writing, cousin Slick."
"A what?" sez I.
"A literary lion," sez she, with one of her old Weathersfield smiles.
"Wal," sez I, "that's a queer name, but I don't care what they call me,
if they don't call me late tu dinner."
Jest that minit a tall harnsome young feller cum up to us, and Miss
Beebe turned tu him and spoke softly, with her eyes half shet, jest as
if she was a dying off, and she asked him if he wouldn't sing.
With that he puckered up his mouth and said he couldn't, cause he'd got
such a bad cold; but anybody that had his eye teeth cut might have seen
that he only wanted her tu coax him. A lot of young gals crowded round
and begun tu put the soft sodder over him.
"Oh du--now pray du," sez one, and the rest on 'em took it up till the
poor feller, he didn't know which eend his head was on. So he sot down
and flung back his head with his eyes half shet, and he began tu sing. I
swanny, it eenamost made the tears cum into my eyes tu hear him, it was
rale ginuine music; but the very minit he begun, the young gals that had
been a teasing him so tu sing, went on a talking and a larfin, as if he
hadn't done what they wanted. I raly felt sorry for the feller; yit he
didn't seem tu mind it, but sung away as if everybody was a listening.
Jest then, cousin Beebe called out my name from t'other side the room. I
wish you could a seen how they all stared; it warn't more than ten
minits arter that, afore eenamost every one in there was at cousin Beebe
tu be introduced tu me--the fellers with the brustles and all. The
purtyest gals in the room kept a flocking round me as if they'd never
seen a man that wrote for the newspapers afore. Talk about soft
sodder--there's nobody on arth can put it into a chap so smooth as a
harnsome gal. Somehow they melt it with their smiles, till it sinks
through his heart afore he knows it. I was talking with a rale peeler of
a gal, with two of the brightest black eyes that I ever see, when
somebody struck up a tune on the pianner-forty, and two or three couple
got onto the floor as if they wanted tu dance.
"Do you dance quadrills, Mr. Slick?" sez the black eyed gal, as if she
wanted me tu ask her to dance.
"Wal, I don't know," sez I, "I never tried them kind of things; but I
ruther guess I can, if you'll show me how."
With that, I took the tip eend of her white glove between the fingers of
my yaller one, and went with her into the middle of the room. I didn't
know what they were a going tu dance, but I warn't much afeard,
anyhow--for there warn't a chap in all Weathersfield could beat me at a
double shuffle, or could cut so neat a pigeon-wing without music, as I
could.
Wal, the music begun, and one of the fellers that had the hair on his
lip, begun tu slide about with his eyes half shet and his hands a
hanging down, and looking as doleful as if he'd jest come away from a
funeral. Did you ever see a duck swim a mill-dam, or a hen turning up
its eyes when it's a drinking? If you have you can git some idea how the
lazy coot danced. I thought I should go off the handle tu see him, but
the gals all stuck out their little feet, and poked about jest in the
same way. Think sez I, when it comes my turn, I'll give you a little
specimen of ginuine dancing. I only wish I thought tu put a little loose
change in my pocket tu jingle, if it was only jest tu show how well I
keep step.
A young lady, with her hair twisted all up with little white flowers,
balanced up tu me, jest as you've seen a bird walk, and then it come my
turn. I took two steps for'ard and then I cut a peeler of a pigeon-wing,
and ended off with a little touch of the double shuffle, but my trousers
was so plaguy tight that I couldn't make my legs rale limber all I could
du, besides, the music warn't much more like a dancing tune than
Greenbank or Old Hundred. At last I went up tu the gal that was playing,
and sez I--
"Look a here--jest give us something lively--Yankee Doodle, or Money
Muss, or the Irish Washerwoman, or Paddy Carey. I aint a going tu twist
and pucker round in this way."
With that the young fellers with the hair lips begun tu push their
cambric hankerchers into their mouths, and the young gals puckered up
their mouths as if I'd done something tu poke fun at. But instid of
sneaking off and letting the stuck up varmints think they'd scared me so
I darsn't dance, I felt my dander a getting up, and sez I tu myself, "I
guess I'll let 'em see that I warn't brought up in the woods to be
scared at owls, any how;" so I jest turned tu the black eyed gal that
was my partner, and sez I,
"Cum now, Miss, let us show 'em how it's done," and with that I begun tu
put it down right and left like a streak of lightning. It warn't more
than two minits afore I heard the gals a talking tu each other, and a
saying,