up with my Jonathan. Why, aint my Samuel one of the biggest authors in
the country, aint he hand and glove with all the judges and lawyers, and
the New York editors, and all the big bugs fur and near? I'd have you to
know my boys aint men of the common chop, and I guess any on 'em will
look a plaguey sight higher than to take up with a hired gal. Why, who
knows but Jonathan will be as illustrated a man as his brother one of
these days!"
I couldn't begin to give the least idea of the stream o'talk the old
woman let out on the poor gal. But, by gracious, I rather guess she
missed it a few. I wish you could a seen Judy White's face, for by the
living hokey, if it didn't turn five hundred colours in a minit. I raly
thought the critter would a jumped out of her skin she was so awful mad.
"I don't care that for your son, Miss Slick," sez she, a snapping her
fingers in the old woman's face, "I can marry his betters any day. I
wouldn't have him, not if every hair in his head was shining with
diamonds; no, not if he'd go down on his knees to me; you make a
terrible fuss cause Sam's gone sneaking about among decent people, but,
after all, what is he but a wooden clock pedler, and as for you, you old
vinegar-faced good for nothin----."
She was a going on to give poor marm an awful drubbing, but I always
think a feller must be a mean shote that 'ill stand mum and hear any
body call his mother names, whether she desarves them or not. So I
stepped up and stood right afore Judy, and I looked her straight in the
face, and, sez I, "Miss Judy," sez I, "I don't want to hear no more of
this ere; come now, you and marm jest hush up, and don't let me hear
another darned word, for I won't stand it."
With that marm put her linsey woolsey apron up to her face, and begun to
boo hoo right out, and, sez she, "It comes awful tough to be trod on in
one's own house; I won't bear it, so there now."
"Now, Judy," sez I, kinder coaxing, "jest go and make up; marm's a
good-hearted critter, and you know it's kinder nateral for wimmin folks
to git a little crabbed once in a while."
By gracious, if I wouldn't rather break a yoke of steers any day, than
try to make up a quarrel between two wimmin when they once get their
dander up; and of all horned cattle Judy White did take the rag off the
bush when she once got agoing.
"Git out of my way, yeu mean, snaeking critter you," sez she, hitting me
a slap over the chops that made my teeth rattle; "I won't make up, nor
touch tu; I only feel sorry that I ever demeaned myself to set up with
you; I'll leave the house this minnit."
Out of the room she went like a she-hurricane, and after she had picked
up her duds she made tracks for home, without as much as bidding one of
us good by.
It's curios how men will git used to eenamost anything; now I don't
purtend to say that I hadn't a kind of a sneaking notion after Judy
White, but somehow when I seen the tears come into the old woman's eyes,
dimming her old steel-bowed spectacles, the water always would start
into my own eyes, spite of all I could do to keep it out; so it wasn't
to be expected that I should not feel disagreeable when the two got
their dander up, and went into such a tantrum with each other. But there
sot the old man a chonking an apple, and kinder larfin inside of him all
the time, jest as he'd a looked on to see two cats scratch and spit at
one another. I axed him how he could du so, and he tossed the apple core
out of the winder, and puckered up his mouth and said, "I hadn't got
used to the wimmen folks yit; the best way with them kind o' things was
to let 'em alone."
Now it wouldn't a been much of a chore to have gone over to old Mr.
White's two or three times a week, and if Judy had done the clean thing
toward the old woman, I don't know but I should a gone to see her over
there, but somehow a gal kicks over the milk pail when she lets her
ebenezer git up before a feller, jest as he's beginning to hanker arter
her. I couldn't make up my mind to tackle in with a critter that had
shown such an allfired spiteful temper, so the next Sunday night I let
her go home from singing school alone. I saw her look back kinder
anxious two or three times, and jest for the minit my heart riz up in my
throat till it eenamost choked me. But I kept a stiff upper lip, and
went on without seeming to mind her; and then she tossed up her head
and begun to sing, as if she wanted to show me that she didn't care a
cent for all I could do.
I felt awful bad for a day or two, but a feller must be a sap-head if he
can't make up his mind to give a gal the mitten when he thinks she
desarves it. Now if Judy had had the small-pox, and had been pitted all
over like a honey comb, I'd a stood by her to the last minnit; but
somehow I couldn't git over the awful basting she gave marm. I do like
to see old folks treated well, let 'em do what they will, and a gal
can't be fit to bring up a family if she doesn't know how to keep her
own temper. Besides, she hasn't much true ginuine love for a chap, when
she won't try to put up with the faults of his relations for his sake.
Wal, the long and the short of it was, I gin Judy White the sack right
off the reel, without stopping to chew the matter a bit.
Wall, arter this, working alone grew awful tedious, and I begun to
hanker to see the world. So as father was loading up a sloop to send
down to New York, I came a little of Samuel's soft sodder over the old
man, and told him how much better I could sell off the onions and red
cabbages, than eenamost any body else; and at last he said I might come
down as a kinder supercargo. So he filled up the hold with potaters,
real blue noses, I can tell you, and piled up a whole crop of garden
sarce on the deck, and we sot sail down the river.
Now, I'd made up my mind to stay in the city when I once got clear of
the humstead, but you may guess I didn't let out a word to the old
folks, for it al'es hurts my feelings to see marm take on, and I didn't
like to make the old man rip out _too_ much, for he was a deacon of the
Presbyterian Church. We was three days a coming down the river, and it
made me awful wrathy to see that lazy old critter, "the Cleopatra," go
by us on her way to the city and back agin before we got into the East
river. We give her two cheers each time, but neither on 'em come from
below the palate, I can tell you. We got into Peck slip at last safe and
sound, and if I didn't jump on to the wharf as spry as a cricket, then
there's no snakes on the green mountain that's all.
I am your humble servant to command,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER VI.
Jonathan's Opinions of Ministerial Interference--A Card of Invitation,
and an Evening Party at Cousin Beebe's, in which Jonathan makes some
Mistakes and a Lady Acquaintance.
DEAR PAR:
I have just received your letter, and so I sot right down to answer it;
for what you writ about my treating Captin Doolittle, and using sich bad
language, made me feel bad enough. I don't know the reason on it, but
when a feller's away from hum, it makes him feel awful oneasy to think
that he's done anything to hurt his par or mar's feelings.
Now, about that Captin Doolittle business, I don't think arter all, I
was much to blame. What I writ about him hurt the critter's feelings a
good deal, and I didn't know of any way to make up but to treat, and so
I did give him a drink of New England and a long nine or so, but I
didn't drink any myself, not a single horn, and it warn't more 'an half
fair for the minister to begin at you about it arter meeting last
Sunday, and to tell you that you hadn't brought me up in the virtue and
admonition of the Lord, and to say that "you be darned" and "darnation,"
is jest as bad as cussing and swearing right out. For him to take it on
himself to twit you, and say that, "jest as the twig is bent the tree's
inclined," is consarned mean, and I wouldn't bear it nor a touch tu if I
was you. He knows as well as can be, that if I warn't bent right it
wasn't no fault of your'n, for I'm sartin it wouldn't a been in the
natur of things to have twisted me any other way than head for'erd, if
you calculated on my weeding the onions as they ought to be.
Now, the truth on it is, I begin to think that your ministers there in
Connecticut pull the bit on the church members a leetle too tight
sometimes, and instid of giving you good holesome doctrine, right pure
out of the Bible, and taking the potaters and apples and wood and
chickens and turkies that the deacons and old maids send to them as part
pay, they sometimes contrive to make their being ministers an excuse for
poking their fingers into every body's pie as well as their own.
I am afeard you won't like to hear me say so; but it does make me awful
wrothy to hear that the minister threatened to turn you out of the
church if you let me go on so--but you needn't be a bit consarned about
that. He'd no more turn you out of the meeting than he'd strike his own
granny, not as long as you own the best farm in all Weathersfield, and
send him a fat turkey every thanksgiving day, besides paying pew tax and
all the other taxes, as you du. I don't know what he might du if you was
to fail and bust up; for as soon as a man begins to get poor, the
ministers grow awful particlar about his morality and religion; but
there's no fear of that; so jest tell him the next time he threatens to
church you for what I'm a doing down here in York, that you'll serve him
as the parliament in England used to fix their King when he begun to
grow obstropulous, and as they would sarve that little skittish Queen of
theirn if she wanted to have a way of her own. Tell him you'll "stop his
supplies." Don't send him a turkey next thanksgiving, and tell marm not
to carry a single doughnut nor a skein of tow yarn to the next
spinning-bee that his church members make for him. I ruther guess that
this will bring him to his senses. As for me, tell him to go to grass
and eat bog hay till's he as fat as Nebuchadnezzar. I aint one of his
church members any how, and if I was, I shouldn't ask him to take care
of me. I know what I'm about, and he needn't be scared on my account. I
know as well as he does that York has a tarnal sight of bad people in
it; and I know, too, that there's a good many rale down right honest,
hull-hearted fellers here, tu. As for the wimmen, though they are
dreadfully stuck up, and eenamost ruin their husbands with dressing fine
and giving parties, there's some of them that aint to be sneezed at in a
fog, I can tell you. I don't want to say any thing to hurt the
minister's feelings, but he needn't cum his church threats over me, for
it won't du no good, I'll be darned if it will.
Wal, now that I've gin the minister a piece of my mind, free gratis for
nothing, I may as well write what's been a going on down here in York.
One morning a little black boy cum into my office with a heap of
letters, and he give me one without speaking a word, and went off agin.
I opened the letter, and there dropped out a square piece of white
pasteboard, and on it was printed, in leetle finefied letters, "Mrs.
Beebe at home--Thursday evening."
Wal, sez I to myself, if this don't take the rag off the bush--cousin
Mary's got to gadding about so much, that she has to send round word
when she is a going to stay at hum one evening. I do wonder how Mr.
Beebe can stand it. I shouldn't blame him if he took to drink, or got
into bad company, if his wife goes on so; for if a woman won't stay to
hum nights, and keep every thing nice and snug agin her husband comes
away from his bisness, a feller must have an allfired good heart, and a
good head tu, if he don't go off and git into scrapes on his own hook.
I sot down and histed my feet on the top of the stove, and begun to
think it all over, till it seemed to be my duty to go and talk to cousin
Mary about the way she was a going on. I remembered what a purty, smart
little critter she used to be when she lived in Connecticut, and how
kind hearted she was; and then I thought of her queer stuck up ways
since I'd seen her here; and it was as much as I could du to keep the
tears out of my eyes, for if cousin Mary had been my own sister, I
couldn't a liked her better than I did when she was a gal.
Wal, arter thinking it all over, I made up my mind to go and ask John if
he didn't think it best for me to go and talk to her, for I felt kinder
loth to meddle with his business, if he didn't want me tu; and anyhow, I
didn't expect much thanks for giving her advice--for when a feller steps
in between man and wife, it's like trying to part a cat and a dog, and
he is lucky enough if he don't git scratched by one and worried to death
by t'other; but I looked at the piece of paste-board agin, and made up
my mind that something ought to be done, and if John didn't take it up,
I would; for if there's any thing I du hate on arth, it's a gadding
woman--and I didn't feel as if I could give cousin Mary up quite yit.
Wal, I took my hat, and put my hands in my trousers' pockets, and walked
along kinder slow through Cherry street, till I cum to Franklin Square.
I did'nt seem to mind any body, for my heart felt sort a heavy with
thinking of old times. I kept a looking down on the stun walk, and felt
eenamost as much alone as if I'd been in a Connecticut cramberry swamp;
yit there was more than fifty people a walking up and down the Square.
I'd got jest agin the old Walton House, that was built afore the
revolutionary war, but was so busy a thinking, that I forgot to look up
at the arms and figgers carved out over the door, every one of 'em put
up there by a British tory family afore Gineral Washington drove them
out of house and hum--when all to once somebody hit me a slap on my
shoulder that made me jump eenamost into the middle of next week. I
looked up, and there was cousin Beebe a larfin like all natur because
he'd made me jump so.
"Hello, cousin Jonathan!" sez he, "what the deuce are you thinking
about?"
"About that," says I, a forking out the piece of pasteboard from my
trousers' pocket, "a little stuck up nigger jest gin me that ere."
"Wal, what of it?" says cousin John, "it's all right I see, I suppose
you'll come of course?"
"Yes," sez I, "I was a jest a going down to see you about it, and if
you'd jest as livs I'll go right straight up and talk to her now; I feel
as if I could say enough to break her heart, if it has got ever so
tough."
With that Cousin Beebe bust right out a larfin. "That's right," says he,
"you're coming on bravely, don't talk about one heart, I havn't the
least doubt but you'll break a dozen--you literary chaps carry all
before you in that way."
I felt kinder unsartin how to take his meaning, for it seemed as if he
was a poking fun at me, for wanting to give his wife some good advice;
at last I spoke up, and sez I--
"If cousin Mary has got _one_ good sound heart left to break, since she
came here to York, she's a good deal better off than I took her to be."
With that John begun to stare, and at last he bust out a larfin again.
"Why," sez he, "you haint no idee of getting up a flirtation with Mary,
have you? upon my word, cousin Slick, you are a shaking off all your
steady habits in a hurry. It generally takes a feller, though, some
months' training, in fashionable society, before he can bring himself to
make love to another man's wife."
"Now," sez I, "cousin Beebe, what on arth do you mean? as true as I live
I shall git wrathy if you keep on in this way. Aint my father a deacon
of the church? Aint I sot under Minister Smith's preaching since I was
knee high to a toad? It's an allfired shame for you to talk to me as if
I was a going to demean myself by making love to anybody, much less to
another man's wife. When I du make love, sir, I can tell you what, it
will be with a hull heart and an honest one tu; I'll never be afeard to
look a girl in the face when I ask her to take me, or to let her look in
mine for fear she'll see villain writ out in my eyes. As for your
married women, they needn't be afeared that anybody, I don't care how
imperdent he is, will make love to them, without they begin first. Now,
Cousin Beebe, seeing as we've gone so far, jest look a here, see what
your wife has sent to me!"
With that I give him the paper which the pasteboard was done up in,
where Cousin Mary had writ, "Mrs. Beebe hopes Mr. Slick will not fail to
come."
Cousin John read it, and sez he, "Wal, what harm is there in this? I'm
sure it was very thoughtful of Mary, and I'm glad she did it. You will
go of course; there will be a good deal of company, and they are all
anxious to see you since your letters come out in the Express."
"What," sez I, "is Miss Beebe a going to have a party--why didn't she
say so then?"
"Oh it's only a _swarry_, she often has them," says he.
"A what?" sez I.
"A _swarry_--a _conversationanny_," sez he. I couldn't think what he
meant, but I remembered that jest afore Mary was married she used to
have hysteric fits, now and then, and I thought they give them things
some other name down here in York.
"Dear me," sez I, "I'm sorry, but if I can do any good I'll come up, I
s'pose you'll have a doctor."
"Oh yes," sez he, "there'll be two or three, besides lots of lawyers,
and poets, and editors."
"You don't say so," sez I, "why what will you du with them all?"
"Oh Mary will take care of them," sez he, "she does those things very
well, indeed, considering she was brought up in the country."
"But I thought you wanted us to take care of her," sez I.
"Why, of course you will all make yourselves as agreeable as you can;
there will be lots of harnsome wimmen there, and I haint the least doubt
we shall have a pleasant party."
"A party!" sez I, "is Miss Beebe a going to have a party?"
"Certainly," sez he, a looking puzzled; "didn't you understand that by
the card and the note?" I felt my heart rise up in my mouth, and I could
have begun to dance on the stun walk. I do believe nothing on arth makes
a feller feel so happy as to find out that somebody he can't help but
like, but has been a thinking hard things about, don't desarve them.
Cousin John kept a looking at me, and I begun to feel awful streaked,
for it seemed to me as if he suspected all that I'd been a thinking agin
his wife. Arter a minit, I up and took my hand out of my pocket, and I
took hold of his'n, and, sez I--
"Cousin John, I've been making a darned fool of myself; I didn't know
what this ere piece of pasteboard meant, and I"--
"Never mind, Cousin Jonathan," sez he, all of a sudden shaking my hand,
"you know what it means now--so come up on Thursday. Now I think of
it--you had better git a new suit of clothes; that blue coat and those
shiny brass buttons did very well for Weathersfield; but here something
a little more stylish will be better--supposing you go over to the
Broadway tailors and let them fit you out."
"Not as you know on," sez I, a taking hold of the edge of my coat, and
a dustin off the buttons with my red silk pocket handkercher. "The
picter that they printed of me in the Express newspaper was taken in
these clothes; and if you'd jest as livs, I'll keep 'em on."
Cousin John warn't to be put off so, and at last he cum his soft sodder
over me, till I agreed to get another suit of clothes, New York cut, for
parties and meetings. So we shook hands, and he turned and went back to
his store agin, for he was a coming up to my office; and I jest turned
into a narrer street, and took a short cut across to the Express Office.
The Editors give me some money, for they aint no ways mean about paying
me for what I write for their paper; and they put on the soft sodder
purty strong about my letters. They said that everybody was a reading
them and a trying to find out something about me, and that lots of young
ladies had seen my picter and were a dying to git acquainted with me. I
warn't much surprised at it. Arter putting the poetry into my letters so
strong, I was sartin that all the gals would be a talking about me.
Nothing takes with them like poetry. I had my eye teeth cut when I wrote
that, I can tell you. I couldn't help but feel tickled to hear them
praising me so; but somehow one gits used to being puffed up, and arter
a little while a feller don't seem to care so much about it.
Wal, I pocketed the cash and went to the tailors' store; it was a plaguy
harnsome place, and there were two or three spruce-looking chaps
standing about; but they looked at me kinder slanting, as if they
thought I didn't want to buy anything; and I could see one on them
looking arnestly at my coat, as if he didn't like the fit on't. I
declare I begun to get ashamed of the old blue, when I cum to see the
harnsome coats and vests and trousers hanging around.
"Have you got any first rate superfine broadcloth coats and trousers to
sell here?" sez I, a chinking the loose change in my trousers' pocket a
leetle, jest to show them that I was as good as the city banks, and held
out specie payments yit.
"Yes," sez one of the clerks, a bowing. "What color do you wish to look
at?"
"Wal," sez I, "I ruther think I'll take that color that looks so much
like burnt coffee, or else a rale indigo blue, I aint particular, only I
want it in the tip of the fashion--a rale harnsome fit, and all that,
for I'm a going to a swarry and a conversationanny, and I want to shine
like a new pin."
While I was a talking, a knowing sort of a feller cum out of the back
room, and when he see me a looking at a coat that I seemed to take a
notion tu he cum up and begun to talk about it--he pinted out the silk
lining and the way it was stuffed and quilted under the arms, and would
have me try it on. So I stripped off the old coat and put the new one
on. I can tell you it sot as slick as grease; there warn't a wrinkle or
a pucker in it, from the top of the velvet collar to the eend of the
flap. I looked as trim and as genteel as could be in it--when it was
buttoned over tight it seemed to me that I warn't bigger round than a
quart cup.
Sez the gentleman, sez he, "that's a capital fit, sir, you won't du
better than to take it."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know as I shall, I kinder seem to like myself in
it--how much do you ask, hey?"
"Why," sez he, "that's a fust rate coat, superfine cloth and beautiful
trimmings; but the times are hard, and I'll let you have it low for
cash;" and then he sot his price; "but," sez he, "you mustn't tell how
cheap you got it, for I couldn't sell any more at that price."
"Wal," sez I, "I ruther guess I'll take it; now let us look at some of
your vests and trousers. I shall have to beat you down a leetle on them,
for I'm raly afeard my money won't hold out."
"Not much fear of that," sez he, and he opened a drawer and took out an
allfired heap of trousers. Arter I'd tumbled 'em over awhile, I picked
out a pair of rale harnsome checkered ones, and then I bought a black
vest with yaller stripes all over it, and between us, I ruther guess it
made a considerable hole in the money that I got from the editors of the
Express, to pay for 'em all. The man had done 'em up, and I was jest a
going to take them hum under my arm, but sez he--
"Where will you have them sent, sir?"
"Wal," sez I, arter thinking a minit, "you may direct them to Mr.
Jonathan Slick, and send them round to the Express office, if you've no
objection."
I wish you _could_ a seen the feller! he seemed to be all struck up into
a heap when I said this, and the clarks looked at each other, and cum
toward us as if they had never seen anybody that wrote for newspapers
afore.
"Mr. Slick," sez the head man, making a bow eenamost to the ground, "I'm
much obliged for your custom, and I hope you'll cum agin. If you find
the clothes suit you, perhaps you'll send any of your friends to our
establishment, who happen to want any thing in our line. We shall always
be happy and proud to sarve Mr. Slick or any of his friends."
Here he made another bow, and I stepped back, and bent for'ard a trifle,
jest to let him see that his soft sodder warn't put on at all coarse;
and, sez I, "Wal, I'll try the clothes, and if they turn out fust-rate,
mebby I'll mention where I got them in one of my letters. There is a
good many chaps jest a going to be married about Weathersfield, and it
won't do them no harm to know where to come for the wedding clothes."
With that the tailor bowed agin, and, sez he, "Mr. Slick, where shall I
have the honor of sending you one of my fust-rate vests, or a pair of
harnsome pantaloons? I'll take your measure, and have them made on
purpose for you."
"Wal, now, I don't know as I can afford to buy any more jest yit," sez
I; "but when these are wore out, I think as likely as not I shall cum
agin."
"Oh," sez he, a rubbing his hands a little, and a smiling and bowing
agin, "let us take your measure, and we shan't quarrel about the pay, we
shall be most proud to supply you with a good article; and if you will
accept of them, the honor"----
"Oh," sez I, a bowing, "you are very obliging, I'm sure, Mr. ----."
"Where shall we send them when they are done?" says he.
"Direct them as you did the others, to Mr. Jonathan Slick, to the care
of the Editors of the Express. And look a here, Mr. ----, I wish you'd
try and make the trousers so they will stay down, and not keep a
hitching up to the top of my boots, if you can."