of sweet apple in snow time! "You don't say so," sez I, and I tried not
to look tickled all I could, but somehow my mouth wouldn't stay still;
and I hain't the least dout but that I kept grinning in the feller's
face, jest like a monkey over a hot chesnut. It was as much as I could
du to keep from jumping over the counter and hugging him, I was so
allfired glad.
He didn't seem to mind, but sot down and begun to write agin as if
nothing was the matter, and so I took up the paper and went off; but, I
ruther guess I stepped high, for I kept thinking what you and marm and
Judy White would say when you saw yourselves all in print as large as
life.
When I went out, there stood the chap a reading the pieces of newspapers
yit. I wanted to go up and shake hands with him and tell him all about
it, I was so full of what the chap inside said about my letter, but I
didn't though. I went down to the sloop, and I wanted to tell Captain
Doolittle about it. But, sez I to myself, I'll choke in to-day, but if
his eyes don't stick out to-morrow I'll lose my guess.
I ruther think that I didn't let the grass grow under my feet, when
Thursday cum, but up I went at the Express Office like a house a-fire.
It raly seem'd as if my heart would bust, I was so dreadful anxious to
see the paper. I didn't stop to ketch breath but went right into the
office, and there sot a couple of fellers that looked as stiff and
knowing as could be, back of the counter. Sez I to myself, I guess I've
found the editors this time anyhow.
"I want to get five papers right off," says I (laying a quarter o'dollar
on the counter); with that one of the editors got up, as mealy-mouthed
as could be, and he put the quarter back in my hands--sez he,
"Mr. Slick, we shan't take money from _you_; here are the papers--come,
take a seat back of the counter here--we want to have a little talk with
you."
Wal, I went back, and the tallest of the two chaps got up, and gin me
his chair, and says he, "Mr. Slick, we've printed your letter, and
should like to have some more on 'em."
I hitched a little in my chair, and sez I, "Wal, if we can agree about
the price, I don't care if I send you a few more now and then."
"What subjects do you mean to take up, Mr. Slick?" says the shortest
one.
"Wal," sez I, "I hain't made up my mind yit, but I reckon a'most
anything that turns up."
"Supposing you try politics," sez the tall feller. "Major Jack Downing
has done purty well in that line. The 'lection comes on soon, and it'll
be a good time for you to begin."
"Wal," sez I, "I'll go about a little, and see how I like it."
"That's settled, then," sez t'other. "Now, Mr. Slick, if we ain't making
too bold, I should like to know how long you have been in New York?"
I kinder larfed in my sleeve to hear the sly coot try to come round, and
find out who I was and all about me. Sez I to myself, I ain't quite
sartin about the tall chap there, but I'll be blamed if you've the least
bit of Yankee in you. Now a feller of rale ginuine grit would cum up to
the mark tu once, and would a jest asked a feller right out who he was,
and where he cum from, and how much he was worth, and how much he owed,
besides some cute questions about his wife and children, if he wanted
tu. Wal, thinks I, the man hain't been brought up to these things, and
he ain't to be blamed for not knowing how. So I put one leg over
t'other, and sez I,
"Wal, gentlemen, it ain't of no use to go circumventing round the
subject, as old Deacon Miles used to in his exhortations, that had
neither eend, middle, or beginning. So I'll jest up and tell right out
who I am, and what I mean to du.
"I s'pose you've heard of Samuel Slick, that feller that wrote that
tarnal smart book about Canada, wooden clocks, and matters and things in
gineral?"
"_Sam_ Slick, you mean," sez the tall editor.
"No, I don't," sez I, setting up straight; "he was baptized Samuel in
the old Presbyterian Meeting-house in Weathersfield, and nobody but the
newspaper chaps ever thought of calling him Sam. It's too bad this
notion of cutting off the latter eend of a feller's name; it's a
whittling things down a leetle too close, and looks as if a feller's
father was so awful poor, that he couldn't afford to give a hull name to
his posterity. Wal, Samuel Slick, Esquire, is my own natral born
brother--I hain't no idee of bragging about my relation, because it's my
notion that in a free country every feller ought to cut his own fodder;
but when a man's relations is getting up in the world, it's of no use to
be mealy-mouthed about owning 'em."
"Yes," says the tall chap. "Mr. Samuel Slick is a relation which any man
might be proud to own."
I larfed a little. "Sartinly," sez I, "Samuel has contrived to come his
'soft sodder' over you newspaper chaps about the nicest. I've a notion,
too, that they'll find out that I haint much behind hand with him; but I
mean to write something about my life in Weathersfield one of these
days, and send it to you to print.
"Now, I tell you what it is, I've a notion to hire an office somewhere
down in Cherry street, and if you'll print my letters, why, I reckon I
can make out to get a living out of these Yorkers, by hook or by crook.
I mean to du things above board, and in an independent way, jest to see
how the experiment 'ill work, but if I find that it won't do, I'll take
up Samuel's plan, and go the soft sodder principle; his mode 'ill work
tarnation well, and if they don't find Jonathan Slick, your most
obedient servant to command, a chip from the same block, I'll lose my
guess, that's all!"
When I said this, I got up and put on my hat, and then I happened to
think about the fourpence halfpenny, and I turned to the chap that sot
writing, and sez I--
"Look a here! I believe I forgot to take change for fourpence t'other
day. I'll take that three cents now, if you've no objection." The feller
handed over the three coppers, and I pocketed 'em as I went out of
doors. "A penny saved is worth two arned," says I to myself.
The very minit I got into the street, I couldn't hold in any longer. So
I jest stopped on the walk by the Post-office and opened one of the
papers. By the living hokey! if the first thing I see wasn't a picter of
my own self, as large as life and twice as nat'ral, a standing up on the
top of the paper as crank as could be. There was the Express office jest
as it was when I fust see it. I swan! if I didn't haw-haw right out loud
in the street! Down I went to the sloop, about the quickest, and I up
and told Captain Doolittle all about it. I thought the tarnal critter
would a gone off the handle, he larfed so when he saw how nat'ral the
picter looked; but he larfed on t'other side of his mouth, I reckon,
when he read what I'd said about him in the letter. He got awful wrathy,
but I only sot still and took it as if nothing had been the matter.
"Look a here, Captain Doolittle," sez I, "aint Editors and Lawyers
always abusing one another in print? Don't they call each other all
kinds o' names, and then don't they shake hands and come soft sodder
over each other when they come face to face? If you have the honor of
going about with a man that writes for the newspapers, you must be an
etarnal coot if you git mad because he prints that you love cider-brandy
and eat raw turnips. I can tell you what, you wouldn't find many
newspaper chaps that'd stick to the truth as close as I did. So jest
haul in your horns, and I'll write a private letter to Par, and tell him
all I said about you was 'poetical license,' as the editors call it when
they've told a whopper, or a leetle too much truth--for one's as bad as
t'other now-a-days."
"Wal," sez he, "if you'll du that, I'll make up; yit it's allfired hard.
But I say, Jonathan, you'll stand treat, won't you?"
I felt sorry for the critter, and so I went to a grocery with him, and I
guess the long nines and the New England rum that I called for sot all
things tu rights in less than no time.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER IV.
The Political Meeting and its Disasters.
DEAR PAR:
Wal, a few nights ago, I thought I'd try one of them political meetings
the Editor's wanted me to attend and see how they carried on there. So
Captain Doolittle and I went to one of the great halls hired for
caucuses and crowded in by degrees, for the hull building was jammed
full of human live stock long afore we got there. Arter a good deal of
scuffling, we got up by one of the winders where we could see purty much
all that was going on. I never in all my born days saw such a lot of
horned cattle together. Some on 'em was barefooted, and a good many
hadn't more than a coat and a pair of trousers among four or five on
'em. One feller close by me had the rim of his hat ripped off till it
hung down on his shoulders: the top was stove in, and he had a black
eye, besides another that wouldn't see straight. "Look a here," sez he,
to me, "why don't you shout when we du?"
"Because I aint a mind tu," sez I; "how are you going to help yourself?"
Jest then a leetle pussy lawyer cum a crowding through the gang, and at
the sight of him they all sot up a noise that made my hair stand on
eend.
I never heard anything like it; they yelled and hollered enough to split
the ruff of the house. The chunked feller, with his hat knocked into the
middle of next week, poked about with his elbows till he got room to
draw his fiddle bow across a rickety fiddle, that had two of the strings
broke off and was cracked from eend to eend. Squeak, squeak, went the
fiddle close to my ear, like a pig when he's being yoked. With that, a
lot of fellers, some with their coat tails tore off, and some with their
trousers held up with a piece of list instead of galluses, and every one
on 'em as ragged as year old colts, begun to dance up and down the room,
but such double shuffles and pigeon wings was enough to make a feller
die a larfin. Our old white cow used to dance twice as well when she got
into one of her tantrums. "Hurra for our side! hurra! hurra!" yelled out
a tall feller close by the fiddler, with a mouth that twisted one way
and his nose curling off on t'other side, as if they hated each other
like cats and dogs; and with that he took off his old straw hat and
shied it off into the middle of the dancers. It lodged on the top of a
feller's head that was jest then trying to cut a pigeon wing over one of
the benches.
"Helloa, you feller you, jest toss back that hat, will you?" sung out
the tall feller, a pitching for'ard head over heels arter his hat.
"No I wont, I'll be rumbusticated if I du;" sez the t'other chap, a
pushing toward the door, holding the hat down with both hands, as if he
warn't used to them kind o' things; "all fair in 'lection time. Hurra
for equal rights!"
Jest then there cum in a grist of fellers a yelling and a kicking up
their heels like all possessed. They'd brought in some more 'lection
news.
"Who on arth can these critters be?" sez I to Captin Doolittle.
"Oh that's a squad of Irishmen; don't you see how the hair's all worn
off their heads a carrying brick hods on 'em?" says the Captin.
"You don't say so; now by gracious how they du blather out their words,
dont they?" sez I, but I might as well a been talking to a stun fence,
for jest that minit the hull on 'em sot up a noise that was enough to
make a feller's eye teeth jump out of his head.
Did you ever hear four hundred thousand wild cats, and bears, and
wolves, and screech owls, a squalling, and a howling, and a squeaking
together? If you haint, there's no use trying to make you have the least
idee how that etarnal crowd of critters did hoot and yell. There they
were a screaming, and a stamping, and a dancing, and a fiddling, all in
a heap, till a feller couldn't hear himself think, and wouldn't a known
what he was thinking about if he did hear.
Now says a leetle man by the winder, clear your pipes, feller citizens;
let's give 'em a song. I've got one printed off here so that you can all
jine in. Them that can't read or don't know the tune can sing Yankee
Doodle or Hail Columbia.
With that he flung a hull grist of papers among the crowd and begun tu
raise his ebenezer rather strong afore the rest sot in. By-am-by they
all got a going, and the way they roared out the song was awful, I can
tell you. Some of 'em sung in one tune and some in another--every man
went on his own hook. The pussy little feller pulled away on the fiddle
like all natur, and the chap with the skewed nose made a plaguey
squeaking with a split fife that he had. The feller that hadn't no crown
in his hat bellered out Auld Lang Syne, and I see another chap holding
his paper upside down, and blowing away at Old Hundred like all natur.
When they begun to drop off, for it warn't to be expected that sich a
heap of critters could stop all together, the pussy feller with the
fiddle yelled out, "Hurra for the song!--Three cheers for singing!" And
then they went at it agin, a hooting and tossing up their hats--them
that had 'em--as if Old Nick himself had kicked 'em on eend. By
gracious! I don't believe such a lot of white Injuns ever got together
before, or ever will agin. There was one great feller, as pussy as a bag
of bran in harvest time, that roared out his words like a hog that had
been larned to talk.
"That's a Yorkshireman," sez Captin Doolittle, "I'll treat if it aint."
"Wal, who on arth is that feller there a talking to that little stuck up
chap with the peaked nose? What in the name of natur does he mean by his
_spracks_ and his _yaws?_ If I was the little feller, I'd jest thank him
not to bark in my face that way; he opens his mouth as if he was a going
to swaller the poor critter hull, every time he speaks--du tell, who can
he be, Captin?"
"Wal," sez the Captin, "I don't know sartin, but I ruther guess he's one
of them Dutch fellers, by his lingo."
"There, now, look a there," sez I, a pinting to a feller that had jest
come up to the Dutch chap. He wasn't over clean, anyhow, but he had a
great brass handkercher-pin stuck in his bosom, and he strutted so that
a common chap couldn't a touched him with a ten foot pole. I poked my
elbows into Captin Doolittle's ribs, to try and make him tell me what he
was; but he was a looking t'other way, and wouldn't mind me. By-am-by
the feller begun to talk to the Dutch chap. He kept a flinging his arms
about every which way, and a jabbering over a mess of lingo that was
enough to make a man larf in his face. The words all run together like
marm's curd when the cheese gets contrary and wont set. The Dutch feller
kept a opening his mouth, and once in a while a word would come out full
chunk right in t'other's face. Think sez I, if this aint a touch of the
dead languages, it ought to be, that's all--for it's enough to make a
feller die right off to hear it. He seemed to be ashamed of himself at
last, and begun to try to talk genuine American, but he made awful work
on't. By-am-by I found out that he was a Frenchman; for a tall laathy
feller, that I'd a took my Bible oath cum straight off the Green
Mountains, went up to him, sort o' wrathy, and sez he, "Hold your yop,
you tarnal Frenchman; if you don't like this country and what we're a
doing, you'd better go back hum agin. I haint no doubt but you can git
enough frog soup without coming here to run us down."
The French feller turned as red as a turkey's topping, and he began to
sputter away as mad as he could be. But t'other chap jest put his hands
in his pockets and sez he--"you go to grass." I don't know what else he
said, for that minit they all sot up one of their almighty roars and
yelled out--"a speech, a speech." Then a feller with spectacles on, got
up to make a speech, and arter rolling up his shirt sleeves and spitting
on his hands as if he was going to chopping wood, he went at it shovel
and tongs.
I'll be darned to darnation if it didn't make my blood bile to hear how
he went on. Sich a stream o' talk I never did hear cum from one human
critter. At last I got so wrathy that I couldn't stand it no longer, and
bust right out the minit he'd got through.
"Feller citizens of New York," sez I, a mounting myself on the winder
sill, and sticking my right arm out as stiff as a crowbar, "I aint much
used to public speaking, but I must say a few words."
"Hurra for the Yankee--go it green horn--tip us a speech, a rale
downright Roarer!" sung out more than a dozen on 'em, and all the men
about me turned their jaws up, and opened their mouths as if I'd been
histed up there for a show.
"Feller citizens," sez I, "I've been a listening to you here this night
(they kept as still as mice now), and the rale American blood has been
biling in my heart to see sich carryings on and to hear sich things said
as that feller's been a talking," ("Hustle him out," sez they, "throw
him over; go it ye cripples;") but when they got still sez I, "Since
I've cum here to this city I've almost made up my mind that there aint a
ginuine teetotal patriot among ye all, on one side or t'other, and that
the least shake of a truth would suit a downright politic feller as well
as water would a mad dog, and no better!" ("Hurra for the Yankee," sez
they.) "Now," says I, a sticking out both arms tu once, "In
revolutionary times it was worth while to a public character to turn
solger, or patriot, or politician, for in them times folks found so much
to du that they couldn't git time to lie so like all natur as they du
now-a-days. In them glorious times a feller could shoulder his bagonet
and write out his politics on the heart of the enemy, and there warn't
no mistake in the handwriting. (What a clapping and stomping they made
here!) When they sung out liberty, I reckon the British knew the meaning
on't." ("Three cheers for the Yankee," sez they again, "Three cheers for
the Yankee,") and then they hollered and yelled and whooped and stomped,
and whooped and yelled agin and agin, like so many Injuns jest broke
loose,--then sez I--for I _was_ skeered by the noise they made, and my
hair stood up on eend I felt so dandery. "Feller citizens, as true as I
live, it eenamost makes me cuss and swear to think on't, though my par
is the deacon of a church. When the people of these times sing out
liberty, a feller can't tell whether they mean to tear down a flour
store or roast a nigger alive." (But don't you think, that when I got as
fur as here, as much as two thousand on 'em was taken dreadful sick all
tu once, and groaned out in rale agony,) "but," sez I, "I don't wonder
the old Revolutionary Patriots die off so. What I've seen of politics is
enough to send every one on 'em into the grave with their tough old
hearts broken and their foreheads wrinkled with shame at the news they
have got to carry to Gineral Washington in t'other world!"
I stopped to catch a little breath and was jest poking out my arm agin
to go on, for I felt as bold as a lion, and the words cum a flowing into
my mouth so thick, I couldn't but jest find room for 'em. But the
etarnal pack of varmints set up a yell that would a frightened any man
out of a year's growth; and afore I knew which eend my head was on, they
got hold on me and pitched me down stairs, and left me a wallering in
the gutter. The first thing I knew I felt something floundering about
under me, and a great black hog that had been lying in the gutter give a
grunt, and pitched me for'ard on my face and went off squealing a little
as if he was used to being driv up by company any time of night in them
quarters.
Wal, I picked myself up as well as I could, and I went down to the
Express office like a streak of chalk. I found the tall editor a setting
there counting up some 'lection figgers, and he looked eenamost tuckered
out. Sez I, "Mister Editor, look a here," and with that I showed him
where they'd bust out the back of my coat a flinging me down stairs, and
how that plaguy hog had kivered my new cassimere trousers all over with
mud. Sez he, and he couldn't help from larfing, "don't mind it, Mr.
Slick; I've got wuss usage than that many a time."
"Yis," sez I, as wrothy as all natur, "but I guess you haint been
pitched head for'ard into the gutter with that tarnal hog."
"Wal," sez he, a trying to keep from larfin all he could, "try it again,
Mr. Slick, you'll get used to these things by-am-by."
"I'll be darned to darnation if I du, and that's the eend on't!" sez I,
a doubling up my fist. "If I can't find nothing but politics to write
about, I'll go back to Weathersfield about the quickest, I can tell you
that."
Wal, the long and the short on it was, I got back to the sloop and
turned in awfully womblecropped, and as sore all over as a bile. I can't
go out to-day, so I have writ this letter.
From your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER V.
A Little of Jonathan's Private Love Affairs.
TO THE EDITORS OF THE EXPRESS:
Wal, you see I'm as good as my word. I hadn't hardly read t'other letter
through, afore I sot right down and begun this right off the reel. By
the living jingo! how it makes the blood bile and tingle in a fellow's
heart to see his writing printed, and to hear people a talking about it.
I wish you could a seen my office the morning arter that fust letter cum
out. I thought my neck would'v got the cramp, I had to bow so much to
the folks that cum in to give me advice about my letters. One feller got
awful wrathy about what I writ about politics, but I jest told him to
mind his own bisness, for I guessed my eye teeth was cut if I did cum
from the country. He begun to git a leetle imperdent, so I got up and
showed him the door; and when he wouldn't go peaceably, I jest give him
a specimen of Weathersfield sole-leather, but it's no use writing about
such varmint.
Now you know who I be, you won't think it very odd when I tell you how
awful womblecropt I felt to think what a chance the old folks gave
Samuel to see the world, while they kept me tied down to the onion beds
as tight as marm Jones used to be to that leetle squalling youngen of
hern, that was so cross that its teeth couldn't cut straight, but stuck
out catecorning all round its gums.
It made me choke awfully to see Samuel drive off with his wagon chuck
full of wooden clocks, all painted and varnished up as neat and shining
as one of your New York gal's faces on a Sunday. I could bit a tenpenny
nail right in two without feeling it a morsel; but it was no use
quarrelling. The old man said I hadn't got my growth yit, which was true
enough, for it kinder stunted me to be always a bending over the
darnation onion patches. It was awful hard, I can tell you. I do
believe, if it hadn't been for the resting spells I got in the winter, I
should a been as bow backed as an ox yoke. I'll be darned, if it didn't
take me from fall till planting time to get the kinks out of my back.
Wal, I grinned and bore it purty well, considering, and, to own the
truth, it wasn't so terrible hard while Judy White lived with marm. For
a hired gal, Judy was a tarnal smart critter; there wasn't a gal in all
Weathersfield could pull an even yoke with her a stringing onions.
Nothing on arth puts a feller to his stumps like pulling in the same
team with a purty gal--and between us, it aint no ways disagreeable to
sit down in the middle of a patch of onions all running to seed, to work
with a gal like Judy. I say nothing, but, by gracious! if my heart
hasn't beat like a partridge on a dry log, sometimes when I've catched
her a looking at me from under her great sun-bonnet; but as for courting
or anything of that sort, she kept a feller at a distance, I can tell
you. I ruther guess my ears catched it once, but I reckon I won't tell
of that though; it's better to think about than talk over.
I don't mean to say that Judy had anything agin sparking in a regular
way, on Sunday nights in the east room, when the paper curtains was all
down, and the old folks had gone to bed. It cum kinder nateral to set up
till two or three o'clock, and Judy warn't by no means old-maidish. But
by-am-by the old woman began to make a fuss cause we burned out so many
of her candles. She needn't a made such a rout, for they warn't made of
nothing but soap grease with tow wicks; and I'm sartin it wasn't my
fault if we burnt so many. I'd a been glad enough to have sot in the
dark, but Judy wouldn't hear a word on't.
The old woman got into a tantrum one Monday morning afore breakfast. She
called Judy all sorts of things but a good gal and a lady, and twitted
her about being poor and setting her cap for me. At last Judy got her
grit up, and I ruther guess she finished off the old woman in fine
style. I suffered a few between them, I can tell you. The old woman
began to brag about Samuel, for she's felt mighty crank about him ever
since he had that great dinner give to him down on the Canada line
there--and sez she to Judy, sez she--