I knew, only increase my difficulties; summoning, therefore, all the
gaiety I was master of to my aid, I appeared to participate in the joke,
like many a modern _roue_, laughing in unison without comprehending the
essence of the whim, merely because it was the fashion. What a helpless
race, old father Etona, are thine (thought I), when first they assume
the Oxford man; spite of thy fostering care and classic skill, thy
offspring are here little better than cawkers{37} or wild Indians. "Is
there no glossary of university wit," said I, "to be purchased here,
by which the fresh may be instructed in the art of conversation; no
_Lexicon Balatronicum_ of college eloquence, by which the ignorant
may be enlightened?" "Plenty, old fellow," said Echo: "old Grose is
exploded; but, never fear, I will introduce you to the _Dictionnaire
Universel_,{38} which may always be consulted, at our _old grandmammas_'
in St. Clement's, or Eglantine can introduce you at Vincent's,{39} where
better known as the poor curate of H----, crossed the channel.
37 Cawker--an Eton phrase for a stranger or novice.
38 Dictionnaire Universel--a standing toast in the common
room at-----College.
The origin of the toast is as follows: When Buonaparte was
at Elba, Dr. E-, one of the wealthy senior Fellows of ----
College.
Soon after his arrival at Paris, as he was walking through the streets
of that city, he was accosted by an elegantly dressed Cyprian, to whom
he made a profound bow, and told her (in English), that he was not
sufficiently acquainted with the French language to comprehend what she
had said to him, expressing his regret that he had not his French
and English dictionary with him. Scarcely had he pronounced the word
dictionary, when the lady, by a most astonishing display, which in
England would have disgraced the lowest of the frail sisterhood,
exclaimed, "Behold the Dictionnaire Universel, which has been opened
by the learned of all nations."{39} Dr. E--, on his return from
France, related this anecdote in the common room at ---------, and the
Dictionnaire universel has ever since been a standing toast there.
39 A well known respectable bookseller near Brazennose, who
has published a whimsical trifle under the title of "Oxford
in Epitome" very serviceable to freshmen. You may purchase
"Oxford in Epitome," with a Key accompaniment explaining the
whole art and mystery of the _finished style_.
~141~~ After a dissertation upon _new college puddings_,{40} rather
a choice dish, an elegant dessert and ices was introduced from
Jubbers.{41} The glass now circulated freely, and the open-hearted
mirth of my companions gave me a tolerable idea of many of the leading
eccentricities of a collegian's life. The Oxford toast, the college
divinity, was, I found, a Miss W-, whose father is a wealthy
horse-dealer, and whom all agreed was a very amiable and beautiful girl.
I discovered that Sadler, Randal, and Crabbe were rum ones for prime
hacks--that the _Esculapii dii_ of the university, the demi-gods of
medicine and surgery, were Messrs. Wall and Tuckwell--that all proctors
were tyrants, and their men savage bull dogs--that good wine was seldom
to be bought in Oxford by students--and pretty girls were always to be
met at Bagley Wood--that rowing a fellow{42} was considered good sport,
and an idle master{43} a jolly dog--that all tradesmen were duns, and all
gownsmen suffering innocents--and lastly.
40 New College puddings--a favourite dish with freshmen,
made of grated biscuit, eggs, suet, moist sugar, currants
and lemon-peel, rolled into balls of an oblong shape, fried
in boiling fat, and moistened with brandy.
41 A celebrated Oxford pastry-cook.
42 Rowing a fellow--going with a party in the dead of the
night to a man's room, nailing or screwing his oak up, so as
it cannot be opened on the inside, knocking at his door,
calling out fire, and when he comes to the door, burning a
quantity of shavings, taken from halfpenny faggots dipped in
oil from the staircase lamps, so as to impress him with an
idea that the staircase, in which his rooms are, is on fire.
And when he is frightened almost out of his senses, setting
up a most hideous horse-laugh and running away. This joke
is practised chiefly upon quiet timid men.
43 An idle master--a Master of Arts on the foundation, who
does not take pupils.
~142~~
I was informed that a freshman was a scamp without seasoning--and a
fellow of no spirit till he had been pulled up before the big wig and
suffered imposition{44} fine, and rustication.{45}
It was now half an hour since old _Magnus Thomas_ had tolled his heavy
note, most of the party were a little cut,{46} and the salt pits
of attic wit had long since been drained to the very bottom--Sparkle
proposed an adjournment to the Temple of Bacchus,{47} while Echo and a
man of Trinity set forth for the plains of Betteris.{48} Pleading the
fatigues of the day, and promising to attend a spread{49} on the morrow
to be given by Horace Eglantine, I was permitted to depart to my inn,
having first received a caution from Echo to steer clear of the Don
Peninsula{50} and the seat of magistracy.{51}
On regaining my inn, I was not a little surprised to hear the smirking
barmaid announce me by my christian and surname, directing the waiter
to place candles for Mr. Bernard Blackmantle in the _sanctum_. How the
deuce, thought I, have these people discovered my family nomenclature,
or are we here under the same system of _espionage_ as the puerile
inhabitants of France, where every hotel-keeper, waiter, and servant,
down to the very shoe-black, is a spy upon your actions, and a creature
in the pay of the police{52} "Pray, waiter," said I, "why is this snug
little _larium__ designated the sanctum_?"
44 Imposition--translations set by the Principal for absence
and other errors.
45 Rustication is the term applied to temporary dismissal
for non-observance of college discipline.
46 A little cut--half seas over.
47 Temple of Bacchus--some favourite inn.
48 Plains of Betteris--the diversion of billiards.
49 A spread--a wine party.
50 The Don Peninsula--the range of all who wear long black
hanging sleeves, and bear the name of Domini.
51 Seat of magistracy--proctor's authority.
52 The tact of the Oxford tradesmen in this particular is
very ingenious.--The strength of a man's account is always
regulated by the report they receive on his entering, from
some college friend, respecting the wealth of his relations,
or the weight of his expectancies.
~143~~
"Because it's extra-proctorial, sir: none of the town _raff_ are ever
admitted into it, and the marshal and his bull dogs never think of
intruding here. With your leave, sir, I'll send in master--he will
explain things better; and mayhap, sir, as you are fresh, he may give
you a little useful information." "Do so,--send me in a bottle of old
Madeira and two glasses, and tell your master I shall be happy to see
him." In a few moments I was honoured with the company of mine host of
the Mitre, who, to do him justice, was a more humorous fellow than I had
anticipated. Not quite so ceremonious as he of the Christopher at
Eton, or the superlative of a Bond-street _restaurateur_; but with an
unembarrassed roughness, yet respectful demeanour, that partook more of
the sturdy English farmer, or an old weather-beaten sportsman, than
the picture I had figured to myself of the polished landlord of the
principal inn in the sacred city of learning. We are too much the
creatures of prejudice in this life, and first impressions are not
unfrequently the first faults which we unthinkingly commit against the
reputation of a new acquaintance. Master Peake was, I discovered, a
fellow of infinite jest, an old fox-hunter, and a true sportsman; and
supposing me, from my introduction by Tom Echo to his house, to be as
fond of a good horse, a hard run, and a black bottle, as my friend, he
had eagerly sought an opportunity for this early introduction. "No man
in the country, sir," said Peake, "can boast of a better horse or a
better wife: I always leave the management of the bishop's cap to the
petticoat; for look ye, sir, gown against gown is the true orthodox
system, I believe.--When I kept the Blue Pig{53} by the Town Hall, the
big wigs used to grunt a little now and then about the gemmen of the
university getting _bosky_ in a _pig-sty_; so, egad, I thought I would
fix them at last, and removed here; for I knew it would be deemed
sacrilegious to attack the mitre, or hazard a pun upon the head of the
church.
53 The Blue Boar, since shut up.
~144~~ If ever you should be _tiled_ up in _Eager heaven_,{54} there's
not a kinder hearted soul in Christendom than Mrs. Peake: Dr. Wall says
that he thinks she has saved more gentlemen's lives in this university
by good nursing and sending them niceties, than all the material
medicals put together. You'll excuse me, sir, but as you are fresh, take
care to avoid the _gulls_{55}; they fly about here in large flocks, I
assure you, and do no little mischief at times." "I never understood
that gulls were birds of prey," said I.--"Only in Oxford, sir; and here,
I assure you, they bite like hawks, and pick many a poor young gentleman
as bare before his three years are expired, as the crows would a dead
sheep upon a common. Every thing depends upon your obtaining an honest
scout, and that's a sort of _haro ravis_ (I think they call the bird)
here." Suppressing my laughter at my host's Latinity, I thought this
a fair opportunity to make some inquiries relative to this important
officer in a college establishment.
"I suppose you know most of these ambassadors of the togati belonging to
the different colleges'?" "I think I do, sir," said Peake, "if you mean
the scouts; but I never heard them called by that name before. If
you are of Christ Church, I should recommend Dick Cook, or, as he is
generally called, Gentleman Cook, as the most finished, spritely, honest
fellow of the whole. Dick's a trump, and no telegraph,--up to every
frisk, and down to every move of the domini, thorough bred, and no want
of courage?"
54 AEager haven--laid up in the depot of invalids.
55 Gulls--knowing ones who are always on the look out for
freshmen.
~145~~ "But not having the honour of being entered there, I cannot avail
myself of Dick's services: pray tell me, who is there at Brazennose that
a young fellow can make a confidant of?" "Why, the very best old fellow
in the world,--nothing like him in Oxford,--rather aged, to be sure, but
a good one to go, and a rum one to look at;--I have known Mark Supple
these fifty years, and never heard a gentleman give him a bad word:
shall I send for him, sir? he's the very man to put you _up to a thing
or two_, and finish you off in prime style." "In the morning, I'll
see him, and if he answers your recommendation, engage with him: "for,
thought I, such a man will be very essential, if it is only to act as
interpreter to a young novice like myself.
The conversation now turned to sporting varieties, by which I discovered
mine host was a leading character in the neighbouring hunts; knew every
sportsman in the field, and in the course of half an hour, carried me
over Godrington's manors, Moystoris district, and Somerset range,{56}
taking many a bold leap in his progress, and never losing _sight of the
dogs_. "We shall try your mettle, sir," said he, "if we catch you out
for a day's sport; and if you are not quite mounted at present to
your mind, I have always a spare nag in the stable for the use of a
freshman."
56 The three packs of hounds contiguous to Oxford.
Though I did not relish the concluding appellation, coming from a
tavern-keeper, I could not help thanking Peake for his liberal offer;
yet without any intention of risking my neck in a steeple chase.
The interview had, however, been productive of some amusement and
considerable information. The bottle was now nearly finished; filling
my last glass, I drank success to the Mitre, promised to patronise
the landlord, praise the hostess, coquet with the little cherry-cheek,
chirping lass in the bar, and kiss as many of the chamber-maids as I
could persuade to let me. Wishing mine host a good night, and ringing
for my bed-candle, I proceeded to put the last part of my promise into
immediate execution.
COLLEGE SERVANTS.
Descriptive Sketch of a College Scout--Biography of Mark
Supple--Singular Invitation to a Spread.
The next morning, early, while at breakfast, I received a visit from
Mr. Mark Supple, the _scout_, of whom mine host of the Mitre had on
the preceding night spoken so highly. There was nothing certainly very
prepossessing in his exterior appearance; and if he had not previously
been eulogised as the most estimable of college servants, I should not
have caught the impression from a first glance. He was somewhere about
sixty years of age, of diminutive stature and spare habit, a lean
brother with a scarlet countenance, impregnated with tints of many
a varied hue, in which however the richness of the ruby and the soft
purple of the ultramarine evidently predominated. His forehead was
nearly flat; upon his eyebrows and over his _os frontis_ and scalp, a
few straggling straight hairs were extended as an apology for a wig,
but which was much more like a discarded crow's nest turned upside down.
Immense black bushy eyebrows overhung a pair of the queerest looking
oculars I had ever seen; below which sprung forth what had once been, no
doubt, a nose, and perhaps in youth an elegant feature; but, Heaven help
the wearer! it was now grown into such a strange form, and presented
so many choice exuberances, that one might have supposed it was the
original Bardolph's, and charged with the additional sins of every
succeeding generation. The loss of his ~146~~ teeth had caused the other
lip to retire inwards, and consequently the lower one projected forth,
supported by a huge chin, like the basin or receiver round the crater of
a volcano.
His costume was of a fashion admirably corresponding with his person. It
might once have graced a dean, or, perhaps, a bishop, but it was evident
the present wearer was not by when the _artiste_ of the needle took his
measure or instructions. Three men of Mark's bulk might very well
have been buttoned up in the upper habiliment; and as for the
_inexpressibles_, they hung round his _ultimatum_ like the petticoat
trowsers of a Dutch smuggler: then for the colour, it might once have
been sable or a clerical mixture; but what with the powder which
the collar bore evidence it had once been accustomed to, and the
weather-beaten trials it had since undergone, it was quite impossible
to specify. The _beaver_ was in excellent keeping, _en suite_, except,
perhaps, from the constant application of the hand to pay due respect to
the dignitaries, it was here and there enriched with some more shining
qualities. I at first suspected this ancient visitor was a hoax of my
friend Tom Echo's, who had concerted the scheme with the landlord; but a
little conversation with the object of my surprise soon convinced me
it was the genuine Mark Supple, the true college _scout_, and no
counterfeit.
"The welcome of Isis to you, sir," said the old man. "The domini of the
bishops cap here gave me a hint you wished to see me.--I have the honour
to be Mark Supple, sir, senior scout of Brazennose, and as well known to
all the members of the university for the last fifty years, as Magdalen
bridge, or old Magnus Thomas. The first of your name, sir, I think, who
have been of Oxford--don't trace any of the Blackmantles here
antecedent--turned over my list this morning before I came--got them all
arranged, sir, take notice, in chronological order, from the friars of
~148~~ Oseny abbey down to the university of bucks of 1824--very
entertaining, sir, take notice--many a glorious name peeping out here and
there--very happy to enrol the first of the Blackmantles in my
remembrancer, and hope to add M. A. and M. S. S. which signifies honour
to you, as master of arts, and glory to your humble servant, Mark Supple
Scout--always put my own initials against the gentleman's names whom I
have attended, take notice." The singularity of the ancient's climax
amused me exceedingly--there was something truly original in the phrase:
the person and manners of the man were in perfect keeping. "You must
have seen great changes here, Mark," said I; "were you always of
Brazennose?" "I was born of Christ Church, sir, take notice, where my
father was college barber, and my mother a bed-maker; but the students
of that period insisted upon it that I was so like to a certain old big
wig, whose Christian name was Mark, that I most censoriously obtained
the appellation from at least a hundred godfathers, to the no small
annoyance of the dignitary, take notice. My first occupation, when a
child, was carrying billet doux from the students of Christ Church to
the tradesmen's daughters of Oxford, or the nuns of St. Clement's, where
a less important personage might have excited suspicion and lost his
situation. From a college Mercury, I became a college devil, and was
promoted to the chief situation in _glorio_,{1} alias _hell_, where I
continued for some time a shining character, and sharpened the edge of
many a cutting thing, take notice. Here, some wag having a design upon
my reputation, put a large piece of cobbler's wax into the dean's boots
one morning, which so irritated the _big wig_ that I was instantly
expelled college, discommoned, and blown up at point non plus, take
notice.
1 Glorio.--A place in Christ Church called the scout's
pantry, where the boots and shoes and knives are cleaned,
and a small quantity of Geneva, or Bill Holland's double, is
daily consumed during term time.
~149~~
Having saved a trifle, I now commenced stable-keeper, bought a few prime
hacks, and mounted some of the best tandem turn outs in Oxford, take
notice: but not having wherewithal to stand tick, and being much averse
to dunning, I was soon sold up, and got a birth in Brazennose as college
scout, where I have now been upwards of forty years, take notice. No
gentleman could ever say old Mark Supple deceived him. I have run many
risks for the gown; never cared for the town; always stuck up for
my college, and never telegraphed the big wigs in my life, take
notice."--"Is your name Blackmantle?" said a sharp-looking little
fellow, in a grey frock livery, advancing up to me with as much
_sang froid_ as if I had been one of the honest fraternity of college
servants. Being answered in the affirmative, and receiving at the same
time a look that convinced him I was not pleased with his boldness, he
placed the following note in my hand and retired.{2}
2 The usual style of invitation to a college wine party or
spread.
[Illustration: page149]
The above is an exact copy of a note received from a man of
Brazennose.
~159~~ Handing the note to old Mark--"Pray," said I, not a little
confused by the elegance of the composition, "is this the usual style of
college invitations?" Mark mounted his spectacles, and having deciphered
the contents, assured me with great gravity that it was very polite
indeed, and considering where it came from, unusually civil.
Another specimen of college ceremony, thought I;--"But come, Mark, let
us forth and survey my rooms." We were soon within-side the gates of
Brazennose; and Mark having obtained the key, we proceeded to explore
the forsaken chamber of the Muses.
[Illustration: page151]
TAKING POSSESSION OF YOUR ROOMS.
Topography of a vacant College Larium--Anecdotes and
Propensities of Predecessors--A long Shot--Scout's List of
Necessaries--Condolence of University Friends.
Ascending a dark stone staircase till the oaken beams of the roof
proclaimed we had reached the domiciliary abode of genius, I found
myself in the centre of my future habitation, an attic on the third
floor: I much doubt if poor Belzoni, when he discovered the Egyptian
sepulchre, could have exhibited more astonishment. The old bed-maker,
and the scout of my predecessor, had prepared the apartment for my
reception by gutting it of every thing useful to the value of a cloak
pin: the former was engaged in sweeping up the dust, which, from the
clouds that surrounded us, would not appear to have been disturbed for
six months before at least. I had nearly broken my shins, on my first
entrance, over the fire-shovel and bucket, and I was now in more danger
of being choked with filth. "Who inhabited this delightful place before,
Mark?" "A mad wag, but a generous gentleman, Sir, take notice, one
Charles Rattle, Esq., who was expelled college for smuggling, take
notice: the proctor, with the town marshal and his bull dogs, detected
him and two others one night drawing up some fresh provision in the
college plate-basket. Mr. Rattle, in his fright, dropped the fair nun of
St. Clement's plump upon the proctor, who could not understand the joke;
but, having recovered ~152~~ his legs, entered the college, and found
one of the fair sisters concealed in Mr. Rattle's room, take notice.
In consequence he was next day pulled up before the big wigs, when,
refusing to make a suitable apology, he received sentence of expulsion,
take notice." "He must have been a genius," quoth I, "and a very
eccentric one too, from the relics he has left behind of his favourite
propensities." In one corner of the room lay deposited a heap of lumber,
thrown together, as a printer would say, in _pie_, composed of
broken tables, broken bottles, trunks, noseless bellows, books of all
descriptions, a pair of _muffles_, and the cap of sacred academus with a
hole through the crown (emblematical, I should think, of the pericranium
it had once covered), and stuck upon the leg of a broken chair. The
rats, those very agreeable visitors of ancient habitations, were
seen scampering away upon our entrance, and the ceiling was elegantly
decorated with the smoke of a candle in a great variety of ornamented
designs, consisting of caricatures of dignitaries and the Christian
names of favourite damsels. There was poor Cicero, with a smashed crown,
turned upside down in the fire-place, and a map of Oxford hanging in
tatters above it; a portrait of Tom Crib was in the space adjoining the
window, not one whole pane of which had survived the general wreck; but
what most puzzled me was the appearance of the cupboard door: the bottom
hinge had given way, and it hung suspended by one joint in an oblique
direction, exhibiting, on an inside face, a circle chalked for a target
and perforated with numerous holes This door was in a right line with
the bedroom, and, when thrown open, covered a loop-hole of a window
that looked across the quadrangle directly into the principal's
apartments.{1}
[Illustration: page153]
~153~~ It was in this way (as Mark informed me) my predecessor amused
himself in a morning by lying in bed and firing at the target, till,
unhappily, on one occasion the ball passed through a hole in the door,
the loop-hole window, and, crossing the quadrangle, entered whizzing
past the dignitary's ear and that of his family who were at breakfast
with him into the back of the chair he had but a moment before
providentially quitted to take a book from his library shelves.1 The
affair occasioned a strict search, and the door in question bore too
strong an evidence to escape detection; Rattle was rusticated for a
term, but, returning the same singular character, was always in some
scrape or other till his final expulsion. Having given the necessary
orders for repairs, Mark made one of his best bows, and produced a long
scroll of paper, on which was written a list of necessaries?{2} "which,"
said the ancient, "take notice, every gentleman provides on his taking
possession of his rooms." "And every gentleman's scout claims upon his
leaving, take notice" said I. Mark bowed assent.