IN the case of _knots_,—by which, in the first place, I would not be
understood to mean slip-knots—because in the course of my life and
opinions—my opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I
mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. _Hammond Shandy_,—a
little man,—but of high fancy:—he rushed into the duke of _Monmouth_’s
affair:——nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular
species of knots called bow-knots;—there is so little address, or
skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below
my giving any opinion at all about them.—But by the knots I am speaking
of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest,
devilish tight, hard knots, made _bona fide_, as _Obadiah_ made
his;——in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication
and return of the two ends of the strings thro’ the annulus or noose
made by the second _implication_ of them—to get them slipp’d and undone
by.——I hope you apprehend me.
In the case of these _knots_ then, and of the several obstructions,
which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in
getting through life——every hasty man can whip out his pen-knife and
cut through them.——’Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way,
and which both reason and conscience dictate——is to take our teeth or
our fingers to them.——Dr. _Slop_ had lost his teeth—his favourite
instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some
misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a
hard labour, knock’d out three of the best of them with the handle of
it:——he tried his fingers—alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs
were cut close.—The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way,
cried Dr. _Slop._——The trampling over head near my mother’s bed-side
increased.—Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as
long as I live.——My mother gave a groan.——Lend me your penknife—I must
e’en cut the knots at last——pugh!——psha!—Lord! I have cut my thumb
quite across to the very bone——curse the fellow—if there was not
another man-midwife within fifty miles——I am undone for this bout—I
wish the scoundrel hang’d—I wish he was shot——I wish all the devils in
hell had him for a blockhead!——
My father had a great respect for _Obadiah_, and could not bear to hear
him disposed of in such a manner—he had moreover some little respect
for himself—and could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself
in it.
Had Dr. _Slop_ cut any part about him, but his thumb——my father had
pass’d it by—his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined
to have his revenge.
Small curses, Dr. _Slop_, upon great occasions, quoth my father
(condoling with him first upon the accident) are but so much waste of
our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose.—I own it,
replied Dr. _Slop._—They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle _Toby_
(suspending his whistling) fired against a bastion.——They serve,
continued my father, to stir the humours——but carry off none of their
acrimony:—for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all—I hold it
bad——but if I fall into it by surprize, I generally retain so much
presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle _Toby_) as to make it answer my
purpose——that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wife and a just
man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to
these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within
himself—but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they
are to fall.—“_Injuries come only from the heart_,”—quoth my uncle
_Toby._ For this reason, continued my father, with the most
_Cervantick_ gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for
that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point,
sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing
suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which
could possibly happen to him——which forms being well considered by him,
and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the
chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for use.—I never apprehended,
replied Dr. _Slop_, that such a thing was ever thought of——much less
executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though
not using, one of them to my brother _Toby_ this morning, whilst he
pour’d out the tea—’tis here upon the shelf over my head;—but if I
remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.—Not at all,
quoth Dr. _Slop_—the devil take the fellow.——Then, answered my father,
’Tis much at your service, Dr. _Slop_—on condition you will read it
aloud;——so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the
church of _Rome_, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his
collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of
_Rochester_, writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop——with a most affected
seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS
himself—he put it into Dr. _Slop_’s hands.——Dr. _Slop_ wrapt his thumb
up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though
without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows——my uncle _Toby_
whistling _Lillabullero_ as loud as he could all the time.
Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.
C A P. III
EXCOMMUNICATIO.[6]
EX auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti,
et sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et entemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis
Mariae,—
——Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum,
dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum
patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apolstolorum & evangelistarum, &
sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt
canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum,
et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum
Dei,——Excommunicamus, et
_vel_ os s _vel_ os
anathematizamus hunc furem, vel hunc
s
malefactorem, N.N. et a liminibus sanctæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus, et
æternis
_vel_ i n
suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his
qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede à nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum
nolumus: et ficut aquâ ignis extinguatur lu-
_vel_ eorum
cerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resque-
n n
rit, et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.
os
Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui homi-
os
nem creavit. Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.
Maledicat
os
illum Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo ef-
os
fusus est. Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute
hostem triumphans ascendit.
os
Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et
os
perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum
susceptor sa-
os
crarum. Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et
potestates, omnisque militia cœlestis.
os
Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus.
Maledicat
os
illum sanctus Johannes Præcursor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus
Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi
apostoli, simul et cæteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistæ, qui
sua prædicatione mundum universum converte-
os
runt. Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo
bonis operibus placitus inventus est.
os
Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quæ mundi vana causa honoris
Christi respuenda contempserunt. Male-
os
dicant illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo
dilecti inveniuntur.
os
Maledicant illum cœli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.
i n n
Maledictus sit ubicunque, fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in
viâ, sive in semitâ, sive in silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive in ecclesiâ.
i n
Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo,——
——— ——— ———
——— ——— ———
——— ——— ———
——— ——— ———
——— ——— ———
——— ——— ———
——— ——— ———
manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando,
dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando,
quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.
i n
Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis.
i n
Maledictus sit intus et exterius.
i n i
Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus
n i n
sit in cerebro. Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in
auriculis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in
naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, in labris sive molibus, in labiis, in
guttere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in
pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in
renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in
genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in unguibus.
Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque
ad plantam pedis—non sit in eo sanitas.