There's some as takes their golf too seerius fer their strength, like
that pore old Mister Giggington, of 'oom I've told yer, and there's some
as don't take it seerius enuff. Under this 'eading I places Mister
'Erminius Brellett. 'E's what they call a litterry cove in privit life,
and, wifout wishing to be undoolly 'arsh, I must say as I beleeves it of
'im. Strike me pink, if I didn't know as 'e was litterry, I should go
away sometimes after 'earing 'im talk, and swear a hinfer-mashun of
loonacy agin 'im! But Chawley Martin, one of our caddies, 'oo once spoke
quite hintermate and friendly like wif a reporter feller, in connecshun
wif a biking accerdent caused by Chawley's unforchernate pashun fer
trick riding, ses as 'ow all these pore riters is alike. So you and me
should only pitty them. As fer 'is golf, exsentrick ain't the word fer
it. 'E stands wif both 'is feet quite klose together, springs 'igh into
the air wif a tremenjus swing, and strikes the ball afore 'e comes to
earth agin. The erstonishing thing is that 'e does strike it abart once
in three, and when 'e does it goes like old Gewillikins. It just shows
as there ain't no rules abart some peeple's golf. But the sad part is as
'e's quite proud of 'is stile, insted of laberring to kerrect it under
my tewishun.
[Illustration:
"Keep your head still" is the first rule in golf, and Binks means
to do so.]
"I'm a mishonnery, a pyoneer of golf, 'Enery," 'e ses to me quite
recent. "'Ow I plays it to-day, the rest of the silly 'ide-bound
creetures will play it to-morrow," 'e ses.
"Let's 'ope not, sir," I ses, quite respeckfull and reely meaning the
words; fer, if yer think of it, a course full of Mister 'Erminius
Brelletts would be an 'iddeous sight. 'E glared at me fer a moment quite
dangerous, and then 'e began to larf. What wif 'is livver, at which 'e's
allus cussing, and 'is kurious 'arf-irriterble, 'arf-manniackal temper,
I can tell yer 'e takes some 'andling. But 'Enery Wilks knows 'is
'Erminius Brellett by this time.
"Your one chawnce of fime, you retched child," 'e ses, and I found 'is
stile of speaking jest a little gorling, "will rest on the fact that you
karried the clubs of 'Erminius Brellett, pyoneer of golf and
unerpreshiated riter of himmortal books," 'e ses. Well, yer can't argue
wif a man like that. Yer can only yumour 'im by respeckful silence, and
be reddy all the time to dodge if 'is manyer turns 'ommersidal all of a
sudden.
'E took on Mister Washer the other day, a member 'oom both 'e and I 'ave
little liking fer. At least, I can arnser fer meself. Fer 'e's one of
your pompus, strutting sort of fellers, 'oo thinks 'e's good at golf,
but ain't. I 'eard 'im chalenge Mister Brellett to play a rarnd fer
'arf-a-crown, and a less skilful stoodent of yuman nachure than 'Enery
Wilks could 'ave told as they didn't love each other. I 'ad a privit
tuppence on the match meself, wif old Washer's caddy, although not very
'opeful. 'Owever, when 'Enery Wilks' money is down, as the sying is,
'e's 'ard to beat.
But things went badly wif us from the start. I could see as 'ow Mister
Brellett was wurried abart somethink, and in addition to that 'e was
acktaly trying to play a keerful, sientifick gime. Oh, lumme, it was
orful, I can tell yer! We was skarcely touching a ball, and old Washer,
as pleesed as a turkey-kock but far less hornimental, was playing right
above 'isself. Fer a man like meself, 'oo'd staked above 'is means, it
was 'art-breaking. We lost five 'oles bang orf, and then Mister
Brellett spoke 'arf to me and 'arf to 'isself as we walked to the sixth
tee.
"It's all that cussed nime!" 'e ses. "If I could only think of that, I'd
be orlright. A female nime fer a kerrecter in my new book. 'Enery,
what's the nime of your yung woman?" 'e ses, joking like. Well, love
ain't much in my line, me ambishuns not letting me 'amper meself wif
wimmen, but still a feller 'as to keep 'is 'and in. I won't say as I
'aven't been more run after than most, but some'ow that ain't one of my
temptashuns. 'Owever, more to pleese 'er than meself, I lets one of
them, jest a school kiddy, walk out wif me at times. She means well, I
do believe, but I've allus reckoned as 'ow 'er nime's agin 'er.
"Hervangeline's 'er nime, Mister Brellett," I ses, deprerkating like.
"But she can't 'elp it," I ses.
"By Jewpiter!" 'e 'owls. "Hervangeline's the very nime I've been 'unting
for. And now I'll win this match!" 'e ses.
"You'll win it orlright, sir," I ses, ernest like. "But, for 'evin's
sake, stop playing sientifick! Play the old gime as you're pyoneer on,
sir," I ses.
"I beleeve as 'ow you're right, 'Enery," 'e ses, thoughtful like; and
then we come to the tee and watched old Washer drive 'is yusual
straight, shortish ball. Then Mister Brellett grips 'is club, takes 'is
yusual wicked, himmoril stance, springs 'igh into the air wif an
'arf-styfled yell, and, by Gewillikins, drives sich a ball as the pro.
'isself might 'ave been proud on! It knocked the kowardly 'art out of
old Washer, did that tremenjus drive; and 'e's a man as only plays 'is
best when 'e's winning easy. They 'ad a narsty lead, but we stuck to 'em
like wax, 'itting a turriffick ball once out of three, or even oftener,
and we won at last quite 'andsomely by three and two.
I remember as I bought bull's-eyes fer Hervangeline wif that 'ere
tuppence, becos in a meshure, as you may say, she'd 'ad an 'and in the
winning of it. 'Owever, wif a jenerosity unyusual in wimmen, she
hinsisted on sharing 'em wif 'Enery Wilks, 'oos skilful leedership 'ad
reely won the match.
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Short-sighted Old Lady_ (_to little Binks, who is going to the
golf-links_). "How much will you charge me to mend this umbrella?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
TRIALS OF A NOVICE.--"_Something_ must be wrong. That's the third time
running I've used this club!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
! ! ! !
_Lily_ (_from Devonshire, on a visit to her Scotch Cousin Margy in St.
Andrews, N.B._). "What a strange thing fashion is, Margy! Fancy a game
like golf reaching up as far north as this!"]
* * * * *