"GOLFERS AS I 'AVE KNOWN"
(_By a Caddie_)
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH]
Golfers I divides in me own mind into three clarses; them as 'its the
ball, them as skratches it, and them as neither 'its nor skratches the
blooming ball but turns rarnd and wants to 'it or skratch anyone as is
small and 'andy. The first clars is very rare, the second is dreadfull
plentifull, and the third, thank 'evins, can jeneraly be kep clear of by
them as knows the ropes. Sich as meself.
Any himprovement in golfers, as a clars, is doo to the 'uge morril
hinfluence of us caddies, 'oom some pretends to look down on. Much can
be done, even wif the most 'ardened (and some of them golfers is
dreadfull 'ardened), by firmness and hexample. "Show 'em from the fust
as you'll stand no nonsense," is allus my words when the yunger caddies
gathers ararn me fer hadvice. Me being older than me years, as the sying
is, and much looked up to. If, as I often 'ears say, there's less of
langwidge and more of golf upon these 'ere links, it's doo in no small
part to 'im 'oo pens these lines. 'Oo's 'onnered nime is 'Enery Wilks.
I seldom demmeans meself to speak to the kulprits, for severil reasons
which I shall not go into, but I 'ave other meffods. There's sniffing,
fer instance. Much can be done by jerdishous sniffing, which can be
chinged to soot all cases. Or there's a short, 'ard, dryish larf, but
that ain't allus sife. As a blooming rule, I rellies upon me sniff, me
smile and me eye. There's few of them as can meet the last when I chuses
to turn it on. Not as I objecs very strongly to a little 'onnest
cussing; it's hinjustice and false haccusashun as I will not stand.
Sich are me meffods to them as needs 'em, but don't think, becos at
times I'm cold like and 'ard and stern, that I cannot be jentle wif them
as call fer jentleness. No blooming errer! 'Enery Wilks is the lad to
'oom old gents in need of keerfull nussing should be hintrusted by their
wives and keepers. I'm not allooding now to old tigers 'oos stiple food
is red pepper in 'uge quantitties, 'oo turn upon yer like blooming
manniacks if yer blows yer nose quite inercent, and 'oo report yer
before yer know if you're standing on yer 'ead or yer 'eels. No, I'm not
allooding to old gentlemen like them! 'Enery Wilks 'as very little use
fer sich unguvverned creetures. In 'is erpinyun they should not be let
abrord without a chine. But I am allooding to them 'oos pashuns age 'as
tamed, insted of blooming well hincreesed, to jentle 'armless old
fellers, 'oo will almost eat out of yer 'and, as the sying is, an sich a
one is Mister Perceval Giggington.
Over sixty 'e is, and allus kind and civvil and respeckfull, but 'e 'as
no more haptitood fer golf than a jeerarf. Sometimes I thinks, musing
kindly like, as 'ow the old cove 'ud be yunger if 'e took the gime less
seerius. But 'Enery Wilks 'as little to reproche 'imself about; 'e, at
least, 'as done what 'e could to 'elp old Giggs. 'Is wife came down to
the Club 'Ouse wif 'im larst Toosday, jest as nice an old lidy as 'e's a
gent. She drew me on one side and spoke konfidenshul like, while the old
man was fussing and bleeting about 'is clubs. It seems as she'd 'eard of
me, and 'eard nuthing but good. Which is only right.
"'Enery," she ses, "me 'usband 'as set 'is 'art, as you well know, on
going rarnd the course in under an 'undred and thirty strokes. It's
beginning to tell on 'is 'ealth, the strine and diserpointment, and I
wants it stopped. 'E's going rarnd allone wif you now, as the course is
clear, and I wants," she ses, "_I wants you to see as 'e does it!_" she
ses.
Well, nobody, excep one ignerrant, gellous, preggerdiced skoolmaster,
'as ever dared to call 'Enery Wilks a fool. I took 'er meaning in a
moment, and I touched me cap, quiet and konfident like. "Mike yer mind
easy, mum," I ses in my korteous way. "It shall be done, this very day,
if 'Enery Wilks is spared," I ses.
She nods and smiles and slips a bob into me 'and, and then old Giggs
finishes wurrying abart 'is clubs and we makes a start. The old 'un
'ands 'is card to me to keep, and I speaks to 'im, kind like but firm.
"I'll keep the score, sir," I ses. "Don't yer wurry abart yer strokes at
all. What you've got to do is to koncentrite yer mind upon yer gime. For
we're a-goin to do it to-day," I ses. 'E 'ears me wif a little sorrerful
smile, and I lived up to them remarks. 'E'd arsk me at the end of an
'ole, that 'e'd fairly bitten along, 'ow many 'e'd taken, but I would
never tell 'im. I jest kep 'im upon 'is legs wif kindly, jerdishous
praise. Even after that 'ole where 'e'd strook me wif 'is ball from the
drive, although standing well be'ind 'im, and been in each bunker twice
or more, I give 'im a word of 'ope. It was niblick play and 'ope all
rarnd the blooming course. And at the end, when I added up 'is card,
strike me pink if 'is score weren't an 'undred and twenty-nine! And I
sent 'im 'ome to 'is wife, as pleased as any child. There's some, I
dessay, as would 'ave made 'is score an 'undred and nineteen or even
less, but 'Enery Wilks 'as allus known the virtew of modderation.
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[Illustration:
_Caddie (visiting)._ "What kind o' player is he?"
_Caddie (engaged)._ "_'Im?_ He just plays as if it was for pleesure!"]
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[Illustration:
_McFoozler (after a steady sequence of misses)._
"Ah--er--is there a _limit_ for these links?"]
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[Illustration:
_Policeman._ "Where did you get that bag?"
_Bill Sykes_ (_indignantly_). "There you are! Nice thing, in a free
country, that a man can't have a quiet hundred up without the police
interfering!"]
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[Illustration:
Jones has recently taken up golf. He is already proficient in one
department--the art of addressing the ball.]
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