NEVER pay any visit upon a general invitation. The Spanish
hidalgo, who declares to you that his house, lands, all that he
has, are yours, would be greatly surprised if you appropriated any
of his things. It is the same thing, more or less, with people
elsewhere who give people general invitations to take up their
quarters in their houses.
There are instances of visits of a month's duration being made
upon the invitation, "If you visit B---, I hope that you will not
forget that I reside there, and will be very happy to see you."
Yet, even where friends are not newly made, but of long standing,
it is best not to pay visits unless by special invitation. A
thousand events may occur to render it inconvenient for one friend
to have company that cannot be known to another, hundreds of
miles, perhaps, away. If a friend really desires to extend
hospitality to another, she will send her an invitation, which can
be accepted with the prospect of mutual convenience and pleasure.
Even in travelling, if you are unexpectedly detained in a city
where you have friends, do not drive to their house uninvited. Go
first to a hotel, and let them know of your arrival, leaving it
optional with them to extend hospitality. To drive at once to the
house, with your baggage, forces an invitation, which may cause
much annoyance and inconvenience, even if they are really glad to
see you, and it also renders you liable to be accused of meanness
and a desire to save your hotel bill. If you are afraid your
friends will feel hurt if you do not "make their house your home,"
at least write to them and ascertain if they can conveniently
receive you as you pass through their city. Even with relatives,
it is better to announce your coming, that your hostess may so
arrange her engagements and household as to leave her time to
really enjoy your visit.
A special invitation should specify who is invited, and no one not
mentioned should go. "Love me, love my dog," is a proverb that
will not apply in such cases. A person who is invited to visit at
a friend's house is not at liberty to bring children and servants
who were not included in the invitation. A wife may, of course,
accompany her husband, unless there be special reason to the
contrary, and a husband must always have the opportunity of
accompanying his wife, or joining her.
If the length of your visit is not specified in your invitation, a
week is a good limit for your stay. At all events, make a move at
the end of that time, and if you are invited to stay longer, and
know that it is convenient for you to do so, the time can then be
definitely decided upon.
When you receive an invitation by letter, answer it at the
earliest possible moment, and say decidedly whether you accept or
decline it. To leave your friends in doubt may prevent the same
invitation being extended to others. As soon as possible after
accepting an invitation, write and let your friends know by what
train to expect you, and keep your engagement, that you may not
keep any one waiting for you at the station for nothing. If you
are unavoidably detained, write or telegraph and say so, naming
another hour for your arrival.
In inviting a friend to pay you a visit, name a season when will
you will be able to devote most of your time to their
entertainment. Have always a room devoted especially to your
guest, and be sure that no one intrudes there without a special
invitation, and never enter it yourself without an invitation to
do so. Before the arrival of a guest, see yourself that the room
is in perfect order, well warmed if in winter, shaded and cool if
in summer; let there be every convenience for bath and change of
dress, and writing materials and stamps ready to write if desired
before unpacking. Have always a feather bed and mattress, both
feather and hair pillows upon the bed, that your guest may have
the choice. Many prefer feathers in the warmest weather, others a
mattress even in winter. Let the fire, in winter, be made every
morning before your guest rises, and keep a good supply of fuel in
the room.
It is the duty of the host to send a carriage to the depot to meet
an expected visitor, and if possible to go himself. After a warm
welcome, show the guest at once to the room prepared, and give
ample time for a bath and change of dress, if it is in the day
time. If the arrival is late in the evening, have a substantial
supper prepared, and then allow the traveller to retire, being
careful that on the first arrival the breakfast can be ready at a
late hour, that your friend may not be disturbed to breakfast with
the family.
It is the duty of the hostess to share the meals of a guest, no
matter how irregular; but any truly polite person will pay strict
attention to the customary meal times.
When staying with friends, endeavor as much as possible to conform
to their regular habits. Be punctual at meal times. Ascertain
over-night the hour for breakfast, and be particular to be dressed
in time for it. After breakfast, it is customary to leave visitors
to their own devices, unless some special arrangement is made for
the forenoon; but the hostess should introduce her guests to the
piano, billiard-table, portfolios library-any device for passing
time at her command; and the visitor should accept this hint, and
expect no further attention during the forenoon.
It is, however, the duty of the host and hostess to accompany
their guests to any points of interest in their city or
neighborhood, to accompany them if they desire to do any shopping,
and if they have any special habit, as rising late, napping in the
afternoon, or other little self-indulgence, to see that they are
never disturbed in it.
It is also a kindly courtesy, if your friends have acquaintances
ill the city beside yourself, to inform them of their arrival,
even if strangers to yourself, and invite them to call, dine, or
take tea during the visit. If you give your guests a party, you
must invite all their friends in the city, even if they are
strangers to yourself. Invite them in your guest's name, enclosing
your own invitation in theirs.
Host and hostess should give up as much of their time as possible
to their guests, and should see that they are amused and taken
care of. It is a mistake, however, to suppose that visitors
require constant attention, and they should be careful not to
"bore" them by over-attention, which savors of fussiness. A guest
will often under such circumstances long for a lonely hour to
devote to music, reading, or sewing, but does not like to express
the desire.
The truest courtesy is for the host to make his visitor feel as
much at home as possible, and for the visitor to disturb the
host's household as little as possible.
Where a lady is visiting, she may with perfect propriety offer to
assist her hostess in her household duties or family sewing; but
if she declines, it is bad taste to insist. She should, however,
leave her hostess free for such duties in the morning, being
always ready to join her in the sitting-room when she is at
leisure.
It is a graceful way to acknowledge the kindness of your hostess
to work whilst with her upon some piece of embroidery, a
pianocover, a sofa-cushion, or some article of dress, which you
present to her when finished as a memento of your visit.
For a guest to make outside engagements, disregard the meal times,
visit without consulting the host or hostess, is to treat the
house of a friend as if it were a hotel, and is not only rude, but
positively insulting.
It is best, if you are visiting a large city, and desire to do
shopping or to transact business, to select the hours when you
know your entertainers are otherwise engaged for such business,
and not tax them to accompany you, unless they have similar
affairs requiring attention, when it may be pleasanter to have
company.
Neither hostess nor guest may accept any invitations which do not
include the other.
If either hostess or visitor is in mourning, the other must
decline all invitations during the visit, giving that as a reason.
It is always accepted in society as sufficient excuse.
If any sudden trouble comes into a house where you are visiting,
try to be of service. Let your friend feel that you have not
visited her for gayety alone, but are glad to sympathize in her
trouble. If sickness or death come, share the nursing, try to
relieve the hostess of some of her family cares, if it is only
taking the children into your own room or out for a walk; be ready
to do the shopping required for mourning, and take away every
painful detail you can. There is no comfort so great as a really
useful sympathizing friend in times of trouble; yet if relatives
come and require rooms, if you find you are a restraint and can be
of no use, it is the truest kindness to shorten your visit, and
leave the mourners free to comfort each other.
When visiting, never depend upon your host for writing or sewing
materials; but it is a delicate attention for you, if hostess, to
have your guest's room amply supplied with both.
It is extremely rude for visitors to make comparisons between the
house at which they are visiting and others where they have
enjoyed hospitality. To inform your hostess indirectly that her
house, furniture, table, or servants are inferior to those of
other friends, is insulting, and it is as much so to cast the slur
upon the first house visited by vaunting the superiority of the
second.
To a certain extent, use your friend's servants as your own wholly
so as far as your own personal wants require their services. Ask
for whatever you want in your own room, and give any requisite
directions to the servant who waits upon you. Do not trouble the
mistress of the house with matters which in your own house you
would give to a servant. At the same time, avoid being
troublesome; put out your own washing, and any extra work you
require done, and never call upon the servants at hours when they
are otherwise employed.
If you are unfortunate enough during a visit to injure any article
of furniture in your own room, have it repaired or replaced at
once at your own expense.
It is a graceful compliment for a gentleman during a visit to
bring flowers, fruit, books, or confectionery occasionally to the
hostess, and a lady friend will be gratefully remembered if she is
kind to the children.
If a gift is made, it must be to the hostess, or if there are
several children, to the youngest. If children are over twelve years
old, it is better to give any present to the mother; but you will
never give offence by a gift to the baby. A gentleman may give baby
jewelry, and a lady a piece of handsome needlework. You may be sure
the parents will find no fault with this acknowledgment of their
hospitality.
Always hold yourself at the disposal of those in whose house you
are staying. If they propose to ride, drive, walk, or other wise
occupy the day, you must take it for granted that these plans are
made with reference to your enjoyment. You should receive them
with cheerfulness and enter into them with alacrity, doing your
best to seem pleased, and be pleased, by the efforts made to
entertain you. Never mind if it is the twentieth time you have
driven to "see the lovely view from the hill four miles from
here," or you have paid a dozen previous visits to "that beautiful
waterfall just above the lake;" you must find a new tree to
admire, or a new point to sketch every time you go.
It is not expected that the host or hostess can devote the entire
day to guests. Sir Walter Scott's conduct towards his guests at
Abbotsford furnishes a model of hospitality. He never saw them
till dinner; but whilst he was busily engaged in writing, he left
his house, servants, carriages, horses, and grounds at their
entire disposal.
Byron gives a perfect picture of guest life at a country house:
"The gentlemen got up betimes to shoot,
Or hunt; the young, because they liked the sport
The first thing boys like, after play and fruit;
The middle-aged, to make the day more short;
For ennui is a growth of English root,
Though nameless in our language-we retort
The fact for words, and let the French translate
That awful yawn which sleep cannot abate.
"The elderly walked through the library,
And tumbled books, or criticized the pictures,
Or sauntered through the garden piteously,
And made upon the hot-house several strictures;
Or rode a nag which trotted not too high,
Or in the morning papers read their lectures;
Or on the watch their longing eyes would fix,
Longing at sixty for the hour of six."
"But none were 'gene;' the great hour of union
Was rung by dinner's knell! till then all were
Masters of their own time-or in communion,
Or solitary, as they chose to bear
The hours,-which how to pass to few is known.
Each rose up at his own, and had to spare
What time he chose for dress, and broke his fast
When, where, and how he chose for that repast."'
In this country, hospitality is but seldom conducted on the lavish
broad scale possible at an English country residence; but, as far
as possible, it is better to allow guests perfect liberty for
breakfast hour and morning employments.
Great discretion must be used among guests to avoid all criticism
on their host, his friends, his household, his manner of living,
and all that concerns him. If anything goes wrong during the
visit, one should seem not to see it. If the dinner is late, it is
very impolite to appear impatient. If any plan falls to the
ground, no comments or disapproval must be indulged in, and no
disappointment betrayed. If the children of the house are
fractious, or noisy, or ill-bred, a visitor must never find fault
with their behavior.
The same caution must be exercised in the treatment of your
friend's friends. They may be such as you do not care to become
intimate with; but you must not evince dislike or special
avoidance, and must always have recourse rather to a negative than
a positive line of conduct. A person of tact can always keep
people at a distance without hurting their feelings.
Your host's horses, carriages, books, and grounds should be even
more carefully used than if they were your own. A goodnatured man
will delight in seeing his visitors enjoy all the good things he
places at their disposal; but they should not abuse his
indulgence. To ride a horse too far or too fast, to dog's-ear or
blot the books in the library, to gather choice and favorite
flowers, are all signs of an under-bred and selfish nature. Above
all, we should be thoughtful in our treatment of the servants,
never commenting upon their shortcomings, or scolding them.
The religious opinions, especially of those from whom we are
receiving hospitality, must on no account be shocked, scoffed at,
or in any way treated with a want of respect. If our friends go
regularly to church, we should accompany them there; or, without
remark, repair to the place of worship most agreeable to our own
religious convictions. If family prayers are read, we should
endeavor to be present. If silent grace is the custom at meal
times, our heads must also bow, and a short mental prayer be said.
If the Sunday is observed with great strictness, we should refrain
from any pursuits to which objection could possibly be made, even
if they appear to ourselves perfectly proper and innocent. In
short, we must remember that for the time the feelings and
prejudices of the host and hostess are our own.
There is no occasion when it is more necessary to remember that
social intercourse is made up of innumerable little acts of
kindness, self-denial, charity, chivalry, and good-fellowship,
than when a number of people find themselves thrown together for
companionship in the house of some mutual friend.
Letters delivered in the presence of the host or hostess, or when
the other guests are present, must not be opened until the
receiver asks permission to read them.
A lady may never offer to pay any of the expenses incurred by
taking her about--carriage hire, steamboat fares, or such outlay
nor must a gentleman do so unless he is the only gentleman of the
party. It will then be well for the hostess, before starting, to
hand him the necessary tickets previously purchased.
When a guest is ready to leave you, be sure that the trunks are
strapped and ticketed, a carriage ready in good season, a luncheon
prepared for refreshment upon the journey, a substantial meal
ready in good season for comfortable enjoyment of it, and the
departure made as pleasant as possible.
"Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest." It is the first
duty of the guest, after returning home, to write to the host or
hostess, expressing the pleasure derived from the visit, and
mentioning each member of the family by name, desiring to be
remembered to all.