PARTIES in the city comprise conversaziones, private concerts,
private theatricals, soirees, dramatic readings, tea-parties,
matinees--fact, almost any in-door gathering together of people,
exclusive of balls and dinner companies. In the country, small
dancing-parties, tea-parties, and conversaziones are also
comprised under the head of parties; but the outdoor occasions are
of much greater number and variety: croquet parties, sailing
parties, boating parties, pic-nics, private fetes, berrying
parties, nutting parties, May festivals, Fourth of July festivals
--in fact, anything that will give an excuse for a day spent in
out-door frolicking.
For a conversazione, under which head are included "Receptions"
and "At Homes," invitations should be sent out a week beforehand.
Conversation is, as the name implies, the principal occupation for
the time, and where literary people are gathered together, or
those engrossed in scientific matters, the sole one. For parties
of young people, however, the conversazione admits of music and
impromptu dances.
For all small evening parties, the host and hostess remain near
the door during the early part of the evening, to receive their
guests. Late comers, however, must not expect to find them still
nailed to this one spot, as, after the majority of the guests are
assembled, their duty is to circulate round the room and entertain
them. They should, however, be quick to observe any late arrivals,
and advance to welcome them as soon as possible. As the guests
enter the room, the hostess should advance a step or two towards
them, speaking a few words of cordial welcome, to the elder ladies
first, then to the younger ones, and finally to the gentlemen. If
the new comers are strangers to the rest of the guests, she must
introduce them at once to those present; if, however, there are
mutual friends present, it is their duty to leave the hostess
after a few minutes, that she may be free to receive her other
friends.
The hostess must remain constantly amongst her guests. For her to
fidget in and out constantly, as if cooking the supper, or
training the waiters, is a mark of low breeding. The most
perfectly well-bred hostess is the one who seems to have no
thought beyond the circle of her guests.
As many rooms as possible should be thrown open and supplied with
objects of interest in the arts and sciences. People of some
public note, whether for travel, art, learning, science, or any
attainment, are often placed upon exhibition at the conversazione.
If such a lion is invited, it is well to have others, even if of
lesser magnitude, to prevent too much attention being concentrated
upon one guest.
If a hostess sees that a _tete-a-tete_ conversation is becoming
dull, she must make it a trio by the introduction of some
sprightly third, or change the duet by substituting another
partner and carrying off one to introduce elsewhere. If, however,
any conversation seems to be animated and giving pleasure, neither
of the parties so engaged will thank the hostess for interruption.
If dancing is introduced, the etiquette of the ball-room is also
the etiquette for the evening party. It is best for the hostess to
provide a pianist, if she does not herself preside at the piano,
as it is excessively ill-bred to expect part of the guests to play
for the remainder to dance. Many good-natured people find
themselves thus victimized--invited "because they are always so
willing to play for dancing." It is a good plan in a dancing party
to have ices alone handed round once or even twice during the
evening, and a hot supper later, if at all. Ices, lemonade, cake,
confectionery, and fruits are, however, quite sufficient
refreshment for small parties.
If the evening of a party is stormy, the hostess should have a
waiter at the door, with a _large_ umbrella, to escort the guests
from the carriages to the house, or, better still, have an awning
stretched across the sidewalk.
If a party is mixed-conversation, music, and dancing, all forming
a portion of the evening's entertainment-it is the part of the
hostess to invite guests to sing and play, and she must be careful
not to overlook any amateurs in her invitations. If a guest
declines, it is in bad taste to urge the performance. If the lady
of the house is herself a good performer, she must play or sing
but once, and then after all others have been first invited. A
guest should only be invited to play once, unless at a generally
expressed desire of the remainder of the company.
It is best for amateur performers to learn a few pieces of music
without depending upon their notes, as, if they send or carry
notes, it is a hint that they expect to be invited to play; if
they do not, they are obliged to decline when invited.
It is excessively rude to converse loudly when any one is playing
or singing. If your companion does not cease talking, to listen,
converse in a very low tone, and withdraw from the immediate
vicinity of the performer. On the other hand, if you are invited
to play, do not wait for quiet in the room, nor exhibit any
annoyance if your most exquisite passages are drowned in the buzz
of conversation.
A gentleman who is a good pianist may, with perfect propriety,
offer his services to the hostess as orchestra for impromptu
dancing, or may offer to relieve any lady so engaged, to allow her
to dance. If, however, there are more ladies than gentlemen, and
he is needed to fill up a set, he must not insist upon playing,
but go where he is most needed.
Never offer to turn the leaves for any one playing unless you can
read music rapidly; otherwise you may confuse the performer by
turning too soon or too late.
Never offer to sing a second unless invited by the lady who is to
sing also. The hostess may wish her friends to hear a duet, which
will be disagreeable to the performers.
Members of the same family, cousins or other relatives, should not
keep together in general society. They can see each other on other
occasions, and the object of parties is to promote sociality, not
exclusiveness.
If you are asked to play an accompaniment, do not seek to display
your own talent, but play so as to afford the best support
possible for the voice singing. The same rule applies to a second
in any instrumental duet, which is never intended to drown the
sound of the leading instrument.
When the lady of the house invites any lady guest to sing or play,
the gentleman standing nearest to her should offer his arm to
escort her to the piano or harp. He should stand near her during
the performance of the music, and, if competent, turn the leaves
of her music. She may also request him to hold her gloves, bouquet
and fan. When she rises, he should conduct her to a seat, and
thank her for the pleasure she has given him and others.
It is ill-bred to comment upon the piano, even if shockingly out
of tune or worn out. To look at a six-octave piano and decline
playing because all your music is written for seven octaves, is
positively insulting to a hostess. If it is true, decline upon
some other pretext.
Private concerts and theatricals ought to be very good to be
successful. Professional singers should be secured for the former,
and if amateurs sing, they must be very confident of their own
powers before making the attempt to appear before an audience,
even of personal friends. Between the parts, conversation may
flow, but is rude in the extreme during the performances. The best
hours are from two to six or from eight to eleven P.M. The rooms
should be arranged so as to allow a clear space at one end for the
performers; the guests should be seated, and a general silence
prevail excepting during the intervals of the performance. If the
concert is divided into two parts, it is quite permissible to rise
during the intermission, promenade if agreeable, meet friends, and
change seats, being careful to be seated again when the
performance re-commences.
For private theatricals, only the best amateurs should be
retained. It is very rude to talk during the acts, and while
applause should not be too boisterous, disapproval by hissing or
otherwise is a thing unheard of. Ices and light refreshments
should be handed round between the acts. Where there is no
arrangement for a private theatre, and where the curtain is hung,
as is most common, between the folding-doors, the audience-room
must be filled with chairs or benches in rows, and, if possible,
the back rows raised higher than the others. These are often
removed at the close of the performance, and the guests then
converse or dance.
To beat time or hum the air at a concert is in extremely bad
taste.
It is the part of the hostess at a private concert and private
theatricals--which latter include charades, tableaux, proverbs,
and dramatic readings--to arrange the programmes and apportion the
parts, unless she appoints a stage-manager amongst her guests. The
performers should seek to aid her by perfect good-nature in
accepting her arrangements, and by willingness to accept any
allotted part, even if distasteful or obscure. All cannot be
first, and the performer who good-naturedly accepts a small part,
and performs it _well_, will probably be invited to a more
conspicuous position on the next occasion. The hostess or host
must never take conspicuous parts, unless they are solicited to do
so by all the rest of the _corps dramatique_.
Nothing but the most absolute necessity, or an excuse from some
very grave cause, should prevent the attendance of any one who has
undertaken a part. It is a positive insult to the rest of the
party to inconvenience them by remaining away upon some trivial
excuse, for the smallest part must be filled by somebody, and it
is not easy to furnish substitutes upon such occasions.
The hostess should consult each performer before allotting to them
a part, and endeavor to suit each one.
Private concerts and private theatricals should be followed by a
supper, as they are fatiguing for the performers, and oftentimes
as much so to the audience.
If a party are invited to an informal dramatic reading, it is not
necessary to divide the room, excepting by a large table, upon
which the books are placed. The host or hostess, while endeavoring
to give to each guest the most favorable opportunity to display
their own powers, should still, if they are good readers, be ready
to oblige their guests by reading also, carefully avoiding any
attempt to outshine them.
Matinees are usually held in the open air, in some good ground, in
which a brass band should be playing, and plenty of good flowers
displayed, embellished by the best dressed people it is possible
to assemble together. There are not any introductions; people
amuse themselves as best they can. Luncheon may be spread in-
doors, or upon tables under the trees, or if tents are erected,
inside of these. Fruits, ices, salads, cold meats, confectionery-
in short, any cold collation, with wine, tea, and coffee, should
be served. Full morning dress is most appropriate.
Croquet parties are very fashionable, and meet generally at about
three P.M. The host should be careful to have his grounds well
shaded, his mallets, balls, and other arrangements in perfect
order. Seats for such guests as are not playing should be
scattered about in shady places. Refreshments may be handed round
between the games, or arranged as for matinees.
Within the past few years, a species of entertainment of a past
generation has been revived in England, and some attempts have
been made to introduce it in this country. It was, and is, called
the "Kettledrum." Tea and coffee, with biscuit and cake, are
served round from five to half-past five. Any one in the visiting
circle of the house may go without an invitation; the dress is
full morning dress, and the guests dance until seven o'clock. From
them guests often go to dinner parties, and thence to balls, so
that a man may be considered to be in harness to society from five
P.M. to 4 A.M., and to be rather hardly driven, too.
Ceremony is laid aside upon these occasions, and people act with
greater freedom than at more formal gatherings.
In country parties, ceremony is often required, even upon
occasions where more freedom of action would be desirable.
Inattention to this matter may give offence, as the hostess may
fancy herself slighted merely because she is not city-bred.
Avoid in country parties treading upon delicate ground, talking of
local squabbles, church matters, or the acknowledged feud of the
village.
Be punctual to the time stated for any kind of a country party, as
one late arrival may delay the carriages, boats, or other
conveyances of an entire party. Many of these expeditions start at
a very early hour, to avoid the road during the heat of the day,
and if you accept the invitation, you must relinquish your morning
nap and appear at the appointed time. Seek out the hostess upon
your arrival, and if you can in any way assist her, either by
running for tardy servants, packing luncheon hampers, arranging
the order of vehicles, or any other _last_ duties, do so with
alacrity.
Private fetes in the country correspond to matinees in town, and
the same rules apply.
At pic-nics, whether water or land parties, etiquette is set at
naught; yet the true gentleman and lady will never leave true
courtesy and politeness at home, even if they lay aside forms and
ceremonies. Everybody is to enjoy the time and freedom as much as
possible, "within the limits of becoming mirth;" yet an act of
rudeness, a disregard of the gentle and delicate attentions of
society, will never increase the pleasure.
Gentlemen at pic-nics must consent to become waiters, guides,
servants to the ladies; must "scale mountains," climb trees,
perform any feats desired by the fair tyrants, if they fancy "that
lovely flower," or "exquisite bunch of sea-weed," in impossible-
to-get-at places. If on a fishing party, it is the gentlemen's
place to bait the hooks for the fair anglers, to assist them in
landing their prey, to find them shady nooks for seats, and in
every way to assist them. If nutting or berrying are the objects
of the party, the gentlemen must climb the nut-trees, seek out the
berry-bushes, carry double allowances of baskets and kettles, and
be ready for any assistance required in climbing fences or
scrambling over rocks. By the way, the etiquette for climbing a
fence is for the gentleman to go over as gracefully as possible,
turn his back upon the lady, and not look round until she claims
his hand to spring from the topmost bar. She will not thank him if
he insists upon shoving her over first, or watches her while she
climbs up.
Boisterous deportment is not in good taste. Even the most romping
games may be conducted as becomes ladies and gentlemen, not as
clowns. Couples should avoid straying too long or too far from
their companions.
Even if the luncheon or dinner is spread on the grass, or eaten
out of a basket, gentlemen will see to the comfort of the ladies
before eating themselves, and, need I say, the freedom from the
restraints of the table affords no excuse for gluttony or rudeness
of any description.
On returning from a pic-nic, the thanks of the party are due to
the originators of it, and should be paid by each one before the
company disperses.
Singing a comic song is a dangerous experiment, as you may be
personal without intending it. An English lady of rank, speaking
of an evening party, says: "At an evening party, given expressly
in honor of a distinguished lady of color, we heard a thoughtless
amateur dash into the broadly comic, but terribly inappropriate'
nigger' song of' 'Sally, Come Up.' Before he had got through the
first verse, he had perceived his mistake, and was so overwhelmed
with shame that he could scarcely preserve sufficient presence of
mind to carry him through to the end."
A modern writer of talent says: "Your pleasure at any party will
depend far more upon what you take with you into the room than
upon what you find there. Ambition, vanity, pride, will all go
with anxiety, and you will probably carry them all home again,
with the additional burden of disappointment. Even if they are all
gratified, you will know that others are disliking you, even if
envious of you. To go with a sincere desire to please others by
amiability, good-nature and sympathy will probably result in your
own popularity, and if you entirely forget yourself, you will be
astonished to find how much others insist upon remembering you."
If at any morning or evening party you meet a distinguished guest,
it is ill-bred to follow him from one place to another, listening
to every word he utters, and making him have the uncomfortable
sensation of being "stared at."
Impromptu charades are a very popular amusement at the present
day, at both in-door and out-door parties. If you have no talent
for them, you will only confuse others and make yourself appear
absurd by insisting upon taking a part; but even if you are dull,
do not refuse your assistance if it is really required, trying, by
tact and modesty, to cover up any deficiency in wit or talent.
The best rule for the management of parties, be they in-door or
out-door, morning or evening, city or country, is to endeavor to
find out the wishes of the majority of the guests and act upon
that knowledge. To force a large party of people to listen to
awkward, bungling charades, because two or three amateur actors
desire to "show off," proves a want of tact in the hostess; to
allow a few young people to guide the entertainments in a large
assembly of older and graver ones, is in equally bad taste; it is,
of course, better to assemble together as far as possible only
those who are likely to be congenial and interested in the same
subjects; but this is not always possible, and where the company
is mixed, the republican spirit should preside, and the "majority
rule."
One word of warning to all who give parties. You can never tell
what ruin may be commencing when you urge wines or intoxicating
beverages upon your young guests. You may be the first to
stimulate the appetite; you may renew a passion that has been
subdued; you may turn a wavering will from the hardly gained
resolution to abstain. There are instances, not a few, but many,
where the love of liquor, conquered and subdued, has been revived
in fiercest heat by cordials, brandied peaches, wine-sauces, and
similar apparently innocent refreshments. It is better to appear
mean than to tempt to ruin, and in these days of temperance
movements, no lady will be censured or misunderstood who banishes
every drop of intoxicating liquor from her table.