THERE are several principal rules of etiquette which must be
rigidly observed in conversation, the non-observance of which will
at once stamp the guilty party as ignorant of the forms and
customs of polite society.
Ungrammatical expressions are unfortunately too common even
amongst those who have not the excuse of ignorance, but who fall
into the use of them merely from carelessness, or unconscious
imitation of others. "Says she to me," and other vulgarisms of a
like type, are also a gross violation of good taste in
conversation.
The personal pronouns should be used as little as possible when
speaking of any one, either present or absent. The name of the
lady or gentleman to whom reference is made should be repeated if
necessary, but under no circumstances should the words "she" or
"he," accompanied by a nod or jerk of the thumb, in the direction
of the person spoken of, be employed. Never talk of any one with
whom you may have held intercourse as "that party," or "a party"
of your acquaintance.
Avoid as utterly hateful the use of slang terms. There are surely
words enough in the English language to express all the thoughts
and ideas of the mind, and it is a sign of pure vulgarity to
employ synonyms, the only remarkable part of which is that they
derive their existence solely from vulgar sources. In a gentleman
such expressions are too suggestive of low company, and
intercourse with the worst associates, and in a lady such
expressions are too offensive to be tolerated at all in good
society. Slang never ornamented conversation, but it invariably
sullies and degrades it. Equally to be censured as a violation of
etiquette, and more so in a moral point of view, is the use of
profanity; it is a sure mark, not only of low-breeding, but of a
narrow, degraded if not a positively vicious mind. Lamont says:
"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never
was a man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears
that men pay for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are
paid for it. It is not easy to perceive what honor or credit is
connected with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is a
notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity because he is
expert at profane swearing? Never. Low must be the character which
such impertinence will exalt: high must be the character which
such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must
be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support
it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist his revenge; the
ambitious man his preferments; the miser his gold; but the common
swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for
naught, and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing
is void of all plea, it is not the native offspring of the soul,
nor interwoven with the texture of the body, nor any how allied to
our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it,'Though some men pour
out oaths as if they were natural, yet no man was ever born of a
swearing constitution.' But it is a custom, a low and paltry
custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of
honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to substitute some
rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense. Hence
the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the
silliness of those who adopt it."
It is exceedingly rude, nothing in fact can be more so, to talk to
any one person in the presence of others, in a language not
understood save by the two persons using it--unless you are
addressing a foreigner in his own tongue, and then others should
be made aware of the subject discussed. Nothing can be in worse
taste than to speak in an unknown tongue, to laugh and joke in a
language which leaves the rest of the company in ignorance whether
they themselves may not be the subjects of your remarks or mirth.
Never hold your companion, in a conversation, by the buttonhole.
If you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you
wish, you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome,
and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.
To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood
by him alone, as "G---, I saw Mr. H., to-day, and delivered your
message," is as rude as if you went up to G--- and whispered in
his ear.
Do not interlard your conversation with scraps of foreign
language. It is an affectation of knowledge in one direction, and
a sort of tacit admission of ignorance in another; for it would
seem to show that the speaker was not well enough acquainted with
his own language to be able to express by its aid that which could
really be told as well, perhaps better, by it than any other.
There are certain expressions, chiefly French, which have become
domesticated in the English language, and which may occasionally
be employed, but only when they come in very aptly; the constant
or extended use of them is intolerable in good society.
Quotations are to be avoided as much as possible. When made, they
should be exceedingly short. There can scarcely be a greater
annoyance to a company than for one person to take up all the time
and attention by reciting a poem, a speech, a passage from a book,
especially if it be the speaker's own book, speech or poem. Of
course, if the company meet especially for mutual enjoyment in
elocution or recitation, this rule does not apply. It is
applicable only for general society. Short, pungent, epigrammatic
quotations, if suitable to the subject of conversation, may be
occasionally introduced, but their use should be the exception,
not the rule.
Dr. Johnson says that in order to converse well, "there must, in
the first place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the
second place, there must be a command of words; in the third
place, there must be imagination to place things in such views as
they are not commonly seen in; and in the fourth place, there must
be a presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome
by failure--this last is an essential requisite; for want of it
many people do not excel in conversation."
To be known as an inveterate teller of stories, is a great injury
to a man in society. A short, brilliant anecdote, that is
especially applicable to the conversation, known to be new and
never printed, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit
himself to inflict.
Remarks having, and intended to have, a double meaning--even puns
--are utterly to be deprecated. It is a great liberty to appeal to
the private sympathies of any one, by which I mean, to those
qualities or perceptions which are, as it were, a man's private
property, available for the use of his intimate friends, but not
for the general public. It seems almost needless to say that under
no circumstances whatever are any coarse allusions permissible.
Trite remarks are simply drags upon conversation, and may produce
awkward effects. It is told of Charles Lamb, that he was one day
at dinner at a friend's house, where amongst a number of literary
men was a solitary individual who had been invited for no apparent
reason. The poor man thought that, being in such company, it
behoved him to talk of some one or something literary. In an evil
moment he said, without being conscious of the triteness of his
remark: "Do you not think, sir, that Milton was a great genius?"
Charles Lamb gazed at him curiously, rose, went to the sideboard
and lighted a candle, with which he advanced, in solemn wise, to
where the trite talker sat, and said as one who is about to look
at some unusual object of interest-holding his candle near the
poor man's head the while: "Will you allow me to examine this
gentleman's pericranium?" Lamb was undoubtedly rude, but the other
gave him enormous provocation.
Political and religious topics are not in good taste in general
conversation. It is almost impossible to avoid strong personal
feeling when a difference of opinion arises, and such discussions
almost invariably lead to more warmth of expression and violence
of argument than are compatible with the requirements of polite
conversation.
To listen with interest and attention is as important in polite
society as to converse well, and it is in the character of
listener that the elegant refinement of a man accustomed to
society will soonest prove itself. No matters how "flat, stale and
unprofitable," the remarks of another may be, the well-bred man
will listen with an appearance at least of interest, replying in
such a manner as to show that he entirely "follows the thread of
the discourse."
Avoid as much as possible all egotism; in conversation stick
closely to Cardinal Wolsey's direction to "love thyself last." It
is, to say the least of it, unseemly for a man to be constantly
making himself the subject of conversation. At times it lays a man
open to the attacks which his style certainly invites--as was the
case with the egotist who dared to talk much of himself in the
presence of Dr. Johnson, whom he had greatly irritated by his
conceited talk. The Doctor availed himself of an opportunity to
crush him.
"Oh, indeed, I did not know that!" exclaimed the man, upon some
intelligent remark made by one of the company, whereupon the
Doctor broke in with: "Sir, what you do not know would fill a very
large library."
There used to be a joke against Lord, Erskine, who was notably a
talker of himself, that the printer, having to print a speech
which his lordship had delivered, sent word to say that "he was
very sorry, but he had no more 'I's' in his founts than would
suffice to set up half the speech."
The subject of conversation and the method of handling it should
be so ordered as not to offend either directly or indirectly.
Suitable subjects, for time and place, form an important
consideration in polite conversation. Grave tones and important
consideration are not suited for the chit-chat of a brief call or
a social evening, nor is small talk an appropriate introduction,
when the meetings are for the purpose of discussing serious
matters. Let gayety or gravity rule as place and occasion demand.
Gesticulations are in excessively bad taste. If you do not wish to
attract censorious remark, converse quietly and without gesture.
Declamation is not conversation.
Refrain from the use of satire, even if you are master of the art.
It is permissible only as a guard against impertinence, or for the
purpose of checking personalities, or troublesome intrusions.
Under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for
amusement's sake, to produce an effect, or in order to show off
one's own wit. It must never be employed by a gentleman against a
lady, though ladies are prone to indulge in the use of this wordy
weapon. Their acknowledged position should, in the eyes of a true
gentleman, shield them from all shafts of satire. If they, on the
other hand, choose to indulge in satire, it is the part of a
gentleman to remonstrate gently, and if the invective be
continued, to withdraw. There was a case in point during the
Austro-Prussian war. The Grand Duchess of ---, being visited by a
Prussian General on business, took occasion to pour forth upon him
the unmeasured violence of her temper, which had naturally enough
been disturbed by the success that had attended the Prussian arms,
and had been at the same time so injurious to her husband's
interests. The Prussian General remonstrated, at first mildly; the
invective still flowed, when the General said he would not have
believed that a Prussian officer could have been called upon to
endure such abuse from the lips of a high-born lady. Still the
Grand Duchess continuing to ignore the object of the General's
visit, and continuing also to pour forth the bitterness of her
spirit upon him, the soldier withdrew, not returning railing for
railing, but simply declaring that the language used towards him
was absolutely intolerable.
Do not attempt to speak with the mouth full.
Do not, however much you may be pleased with any remark, cry out
"Bravo!" clap your hands, or permit any gesture, silent or
otherwise, to mark your appreciation of it. A quiet expression of
pleasure, or the smiling lip will show quite as plainly your sense
of the wit, or fitness of the remark.
If you are flattered, repel it by quiet gravity. You cannot accept
it without also accepting the contempt of the person who offers
it. Refrain, too, from expressions of flattery to others; you will
surely offend any hearer who has delicacy of feeling and
refinement.
If an error in language, either in pronunciation or grammar,
escapes those with whom you are conversing, never show that you
notice it. To take occasion to repeat correctly the same word or
phrase, is ill-bred in the extreme, and as much so to correct it
when spoken.
In addressing any one and in general conversation, it will be well
to bear in mind the advice of Polonius to his son Laertes: "Be
thou familiar, but by no means vulgar;" but unless you have
special reason, do not too closely adhere to his precept, "Give
every man thine ear, but not thy tongue." This will only serve to
make you appear reserved and reticent, when to be so would be not
only out of place, but ill-bred. In society, a man should make
himself as agreeable as he can, doing his best to assist
conversation, as well by talking gracefully and easily, as by
listening patiently, even though it be to a twice-told tale.
Do not whistle, loll about, scratch your head, or fidget with any
portion of your dress while speaking. 'Tis excessively awkward,
and indicative of low-breeding.
Strictly avoid anything approaching to absence of mind. There can
be nothing more offensive than a pre-occupied vacant expression,
an evident abstraction of self at the very time you are supposed
to be listening attentively to all that is being said to you. Lord
Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind. I choose to
be absent in body." And there was really much reason in the
remark.
Whispering is atrocious, and cannot be tolerated. It is almost as
bad to endeavor to draw one person from a general conversation
into a _tete-a-tete_ discussion. Private affairs must be delayed
for private interviews.
If, however, you find others have been guilty of this breach of
etiquette, and you are so placed as to overhear what is intended
to be a secret communication, you may with perfect propriety
change your seat, or if this is not practicable, inform the
persons so conversing, that their voices are audible to you.
Unless you are actually afflicted with deafness, never ask to have
a sentence repeated. It implies a wandering attention. If your
hearing is defective, say so, and your companion will raise his
voice.
Never interrupt a speaker. It is equally rude to supply words over
which your companion may hesitate a moment. Do not be guilty of a
rough comment on what has been said, by such remarks as, "Yes, you
mean so-and-so." If you understand such to be the meaning of a
remark, act or answer accordingly; if you are uncertain, try to
find out in some way that will not wound the feelings of the
speaker.
In general conversation avoid argument. It is too engrossing of
attention, and is moreover apt to break in upon the harmony of the
company. If obliged to discuss a point, do so with suavity,
contradicting, if necessary, with extreme courtesy, and if you see
no prospect of agreement, finishing off with some happy good-
natured remark to prove that you are not hurt or offended.
When addressing a person, look in his or her face, not staringly,
but frankly, never fixing your eyes on the carpet or your boots.
Speak clearly and distinctly, never mumbling your words, and while
avoiding a shouting tone, speak loudly enough to ensure your
remarks being heard. A very low tone of voice will be heard if the
words are clearly articulated and spoken slowly enough for perfect
distinctness, and is much more agreeable than hurried, garbled
speech loudly uttered.
Do not sit too close to your companion in conversation, and avoid
any appearance of wishing secrecy.
Loud laughing and giggling are in excessively bad taste. Do not
interrupt yourself by laughing at what you are about to say.
Eschew scandal, for "in scandal as in robbery, the receiver is
always thought as bad as the thief." Mimicry is the lowest and
most ill-bred of all buffoonery.
Swearing, sneering, private affairs either of yourself or any
other, have long ago been banished out of the conversation of
well-mannered people.
Never suppose, or never appear to suppose yourself the subject of
the conversation or laugh of the company.
Bashfulness is an inconvenient quality, which a great authority
has stated to be "the distinguishing character of a booby."
Nicknames are abominable, and are never allowed in good society.
Call people and things by their right names, and avoid
affectations of all kinds.
If your friends become the subject of conversation, never compare
one with another, or mention the vices of one to add to the lustre
of virtue of the other. Find something pleasant to say of each,
that you may not earn the reputation of a backbiter.
In conversing with a foreigner, betray no impatience if he
hesitates for a word to express himself, nor any ridicule if his
language is faulty. If you speak his own tongue, say so when you
begin the conversation, as this is never a mere display of an
accomplishment, but a true kindness to "a stranger in a strange
land." You are almost certain to give pleasure by so doing.
To speak constantly of public characters or distinguished people
as your intimate friends, even if they are so, is a certain mark
of low-breeding. Boasting of your own position, wealth, luxuries
or possessions of any kind is in equally bad taste.
Never speak to a literary person of his works. You may by an apt
quotation or pleasant remark show that you are familiar with them,
but to question an author about his profession is ill bred. It is
equally so to speak of business matters to any man in general
society. Business men do not go into the world of polite society
to carry their shop, and they will not thank you for reminding
them of work in their hours of relaxation.
Do not commence any conversation by the suggestion of painful or
disagreeable topics. To ask a friend abruptly, "For whom are you
in mourning?" may be tearing open anew a wound that was covered
for the time by intercourse with society. Take other steps to
satisfy yourself on this point. By the same token, do not say to a
man, "That was an unfortunate affair, that failure of yours."
Never, directly or indirectly, rub a sore.
Do not ask questions which relate to the private affairs of the
person spoken to, and be guarded against conduct which may look
like an attempt to force confidence. If too persevering in your
inquiries you may be treated, and very properly, as one might
treat a highwayman who sought to rob one of any other property. A
man's thoughts are certainly his own most private possession, and
you must be very intimate to seek to be admitted to a share in
them. Even if you are so, it is far more delicate to wait until
confidence is offered to you. A man has a perfect right to defend
himself from cross-examination by any means, except positive
falsehood.
In conversing with foreigners do not disparage any of their
national customs, even if they are rude enough to attack yours.
You may, pleasantly and frankly, defend the institutions of your
native land, but not by comparison with the customs of other
countries. If your companion is well-bred, he will admit that you
possibly understand American customs better than a foreigner can
do; if he is a low-bred man, no rudeness on your part will correct
his manners or views.
Subjects or incidents calculated to disgust the hearers, are to be
avoided in polite conversation. There is a positive fascination to
some people in describing sickening or revolting scenes, but well-
bred people will remember that some are sensitive upon such
subjects, and all would prefer more agreeable topics.
Do not use surnames alone, even if speaking of intimate friends.
For a lady to speak of her husband as "Smith" or "Jones," is
vulgar in the extreme, and it is low-bred also to say "my
husband," "my wife" or, except amongst relatives, to use the
Christian name only, in speaking of husband or wife. Speak of your
own husband or wife as, "Mr." or "Mrs. B---," and of your friends
also by the surname prefix as, "Remember me to Mr. or Mrs. D."
Let no more than one person be speaking at one time.
Ridicule and personal joking cannot be too severely censured.
Avoid an officious offer of advice or your own opinion, and if you
do give an opinion, be sure it is given as such and not as a fact.
If you would preserve a character for truthfulness, avoid the too
common fault of exaggeration.
When visiting, be careful that you do not appear to undervalue
anything around you by comparing it with what you have at home.
Beware of personal abuse or invective. Remember what Shakespeare
put into the month of Cardinal Wolsey, when the Earl of Surrey
said to him on his disgrace:
"Now if you can blush and cry 'guilty' Cardinal,
You'll show a little honesty."
Mark the proud dignity of the prelate's reply:
"Speak on, sir;
I dare your worst objections: If I blush
It is to see a nobleman want manners."
Punning is a vulgarism that should be scrupulously avoided. An
inveterate punster, though his play upon words may rise to the
keenest wit, is yet an insufferable bore. No one feels secure in
his society, or can guess what word may be torn out of a serious
or brilliant remark to be tortured into a vulgar witticism, out of
place and uncalled for.
Proverbs are not in good taste when introduced into conversation.
Scriptural phrases are apt to subject the speaker to a suspicion
of insincerity, and should be used very seldom, and with the
utmost reverence.
Cant is simply detestable.
Religion is a subject too apt to lead to long arguments if not to
positive altercation to be the subject of general conversation.
Repartee is not a weapon for every-day use. There are few who can
wield this polished blade skillfully, and when clumsy hands grasp
it, it will wound both speaker and hearer.
The talented author of "Good Society," says:
"The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation as
skillfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of
talking commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only
be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what
respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman,
and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which
ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense has as much right
to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary education by the
other. You cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refinement
and _esprit_, than by leading the conversation into such a channel
as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments.
"It should be remembered that people take more interest in their
own affairs than in anything else which you can name. In _tete-a-
tete_ conversations, therefore, lead a mother to talk of her
children, a young lady of her last ball, an author of his
forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition picture. Having
furnished the topic, you need only listen; and you are thought not
only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible, amiable and well-
informed.
"Be careful, on the other hand, not always to make a point of
talking to persons upon general matters relating to their
professions. To show an interest in their immediate concerns is
flattering, but to converse with them too much about their own art
or profession, looks as if you thought them ignorant of other
topics.
"Remember in conversation that a voice 'gentle and low' is, above
all other extraneous accomplishments, an excellent thing in woman.
There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is
peculiar to persons only of the best breeding. It is better to err
by the use of too low than too loud a tone. Loud laughter is
extremely objectionable in society.
"Conversation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the
illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inevitably betray
their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the even tempered and the
generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always be acting. Let us,
therefore, cultivate a tone of mind, and a habit of life, the
betrayal of which need not put us to shame in the company of the
pure and wise, and the rest will be easy. If we make ourselves
worthy of refined and intelligent society, we shall not be
rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire by example
all that we have failed to learn from precept."
If you are conversing, when interrupted by a visitor, and, after
the customary greetings, resume the conversation, you must
recapitulate the substance of it for the benefit of the new comer.
To invariably commence a conversation by remarks on the weather
shows a poverty of ideas that is truly pitiable.
Do not constantly repeat the name of a person with whom you are
conversing.
A person who has travelled will probably be severely ridiculed if
constantly referring to "the winter I spent in Florence," or "when
I was in London."
If conversation takes a tone that is offensive to good taste,
charity or justice, be silent.
Do not be too ready to correct any statement you may deem untrue.
You may be yourself mistaken.