An Army officer's:
LIEUT. JAMES BENNETT,
U. S. A.
An Naval officer's:
LIEUT. HENRY KEYSER,
U.S.N.
In receiving a gentleman caller, a gentleman meets him at the
door, takes his hat and cane, and places a chair for him, but a
lady does not leave her seat to receive a gentleman, slightly
rising to bow, and resuming her place again when her visitor is
seated; in receiving another lady, a lady should rise and advance
to meet her, also rise and accompany her to the door when leaving,
unless she has other callers, in which case, she is not required
to leave her place, only standing to bid her caller farewell.
An English authority gives some excellent directions for calling
upon occasions of congratulation or condolence. He says:
"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week
after the event. If you are intimate with the person upon whom you
call, you may ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is
better to leave only a card, and make your "kind inquiries" of the
servant, who is generally primed in what manner to answer them. In
visits of congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in
your congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible
inflictions to both receiver and giver, but they may be made less
so by avoiding, as much as is consistent with sympathy, any
allusion to the past. The receiver does well to abstain from
tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was
receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept profusely for
sometime upon the best broad-hemmed cambric handkerchiefs, and
then turning to her visitor said: 'I am sure that you will be glad
to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided for.'
_Hinc illae lachrymae._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere
if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have
not sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you
will do better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation
is not too gay. Whatever you may feel you must respect the sorrows
of others."
On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to
keep among your acquaintances, and it is then their part to call
first on the young couple, when within distance.
A lady when calling keeps her parasol in her hand, and is not
required to remove her glove.
No dog, however "dear or interesting," can be admitted to the
drawing-room, and it is bad taste to have one follow you from
home, if you intend to make calls.
It is better for a lady not to have a child with her when paying
calls, unless it is trained to sit silent, or old enough to behave
with quiet propriety.
It is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat, cane or
parasol during a call. They are introduced merely as signs that
the caller is in walking dress, and are not intended, the hat to
be whirled round the top of the cane, the cane to be employed in
tracing out the pattern of the carpet, or the parasol to be tapped
on the teeth, or worse still, sucked.
It is in bad taste for a caller to preface his or her departure by
consulting a watch, remarking, "Now I must go," or insinuating
that the hostess is weary of the visitor. Rise when ready to go,
and express your pleasure at finding your friends at home,
followed by a cordially expressed desire for a speedy meeting
again.
Pelham said he always withdrew when he said something that
produced a sensation, because he knew he must leave such an
impression as would make people wish to see him again.
The lady of the house should always ring when visitors rise to go,
that a servant may be ready to show them out.
When other callers arrive, it is in bad taste to rise at once as
if driven away. Let the first caller watch for a favorable
opportunity to retire gracefully.
If a gentleman calling sees a lady unescorted rise to go, he may
with perfect propriety offer to escort her to her carriage, even
if a stranger, but he must return again to make his own farewell
bow to the hostess.
The most trivial subjects are admissible for a call, and it is not
in good taste to discuss deep interests, political questions or
matters of grave moment.
If strangers are in the room when a caller rises to leave,
courtesy requires only a slight bow in passing.
When calling, etiquette requires that a card be sent up. It will
show that you have called, and if friends are at home, will
prevent any confusion from mispronunciation of your name by the
servant.
When the lady of the house is not at home, a card must be left,
and if there are two or more ladies, the turning down of one
corner of the card signifies that the call was intended for all
the family,
If cards to be left preparatory to leaving town, the initials p.
p. c. (_pour prendre conge_,* or, presents parting compliments),
must be written in the left hand corner. If the departure is a
hurried one, the card may be sent by a servant, but it is in
better taste to leave it in person.
----
* To take leave.
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Cards sent during the illness of any member of the family to whom
they are sent, must be accompanied by verbal inquiries regarding
the patient's health. The same rule applies to the survivors when
cards of condolence are sent.
Cards may be left or sent the day after a ball or large evening
party.
After a dinner party or small social gathering, cards must be left
within the following week. When unable to accept an invitation to
dinner, a call should soon afterwards be made to express regret at
the inability to be present.
Visits of condolence are made within a week after the bereavement,
unless the deceased be one of the immediate family, when a
fortnight may be allowed to intervene. Cards may, however, be left
immediately after the death is known.
The first call of a stranger must be returned within a week.
Married men are not obliged to make calls of ceremony in person.
It is sufficient for their wives to leave their cards with their
own.
Residents in a place make the first call upon any new comers.
If a lady does not wish to receive visitors, her servant must be
instructed to reply "not at home," to callers. This is not meant
to imply that she is out of the house; merely that she is not home
to callers. To say that she is "engaged" answers the same purpose,
but such answers must be made upon the first inquiry, for if the
visitor is announced, he or she may conclude the refusal is
intended for that especial call.
It is not necessary, nor is it customary in the city, to offer
refreshments to callers. In the country, especially if the
visitors have come from a distance, it is not only courteous, but
often a positive kindness to do so.
If a stranger come to stay at the house of a friend, those who are
in the habit of visiting at the house should call as soon as
possible, and such calls should be returned at the earliest
practicable opportunity.
A well-bred person should endeavor to be always prepared for
callers. If it is impossible, during the day, to see your friends,
instruct your servant to deny them at the door, but if once within
house, no personal inconvenience should prevent you from
presenting yourself. Illness alone, either your own, or that of
some one requiring your constant attention, can then excuse you.
A lady should avoid keeping callers waiting. If they call before
the hours etiquette has appointed, it is better to see them in the
morning dress than to make them wait for a more elaborate toilet.
If there is any fault, it is their own for intruding at improper
hours.
Persons who do not keep a carriage should not make visits of
ceremony in wet weather. It is ill-bred to enter a drawing-room,
with a handsome carpet upon it, in muddy boots and spattered
garments, to stand a dripping umbrella beside you, or deposit
over-shoes in the hall.
Never resume your seat after having once left it to say adieu.
There is nothing more awkward than to take leave twice. A lady who
is receiving morning visits, may keep some trifling fancy-work in
her hand, if she desires; but drawing, music, writing or any other
absorbing occupation must at once be laid aside.
In receiving many callers at one time, a well-bred lady must
divide her attentions as equally as possible. A _tete-a-tete_
conversation is a gross breach of etiquette, and no one may
receive any especial notice excepting any elderly person.
If, during a call any _contretemps_ occur, shorten your visit.
Your hostess may preserve a smiling serenity while a voice in the
distance proclaims that, "Johnnie has fallen down the stairs," or
"Mary has set the nursery curtains on fire," but you may be
certain she will not resent your departure, even if you have not
been two minutes seated.
If you find yourself intruding upon an early dinner hour, do not
prolong your stay.
A call may be made upon a friend to whom some good fortune has
come, as promotion in service or other happy event, even if he has
not returned the last of your visits.
It is a breach of etiquette, during a call, to draw near to the
fire to warm your hands and feet, unless you are invited by the
mistress of the house to do so. If you are alone in the drawing-
room for a time, while your visit is announced, and then go to the
fire, leave your seat and advance to meet the mistress of the
house as she enters, and then take the seat she points out to you.
In visiting an invalid, never offer to go to the room, but wait
for a invitation to do so.
A gentleman who is a confirmed invalid, may receive the visits of
a lady friend, but under no other circumstances.
Calls made either in person or by card, during an illness of your
own, must be returned as soon as you are able to go abroad again.
It is a breach of etiquette to remove the gloves when making a
formal call.
It is a breach of etiquette to stare round a room when you are
making a call.
In paying visits of condolence, let your dress be subdued. It is
offensive to put on your gayest attire to call upon a friend in
affliction, and equally so to converse upon such subjects as
balls, opera or similar amusements. Let the mourner decide whether
to speak of the recent sorrow or not.
A lady who allows remarks to be made upon a caller, who has just
left the room, commits not only a breach of etiquette, but a
positive rudeness and ill-natured act. It is quite easy to check
any such disposition by a grave reserve, and to turn the
conversation at once.
Calls in the country may be less ceremonious, and of longer
duration than those in the city.
It is an ostentation almost unkind for a lady to call upon a
friend in reduced circumstances, with any parade of her own wealth
in equipage or dress.
No mistress of the house may ever leave the room when there are
visitors in it.
It is a breach of etiquette for a caller, who is waiting the
entrance of the hostess, to open the piano, or to touch it if it
is open.
It is a breach of etiquette to walk round the room when waiting
for your hostess, examining the furniture or pictures.
It is a breach of etiquette for a caller to open or shut a door,
raise or lower a window curtain, or in any way alter the
arrangement of a room.
Many consider a clock on a drawing-room mantel a breach of
etiquette, as it seems to hint to visitors to keep early hours.
It is a breach of etiquette to turn your chair so as to bring your
back to any one seated near to you.
It is a breach of etiquette when making a call, to play with any
ornament in the room, finger the furniture or seem indeed to be
aware of anything but the company present.
To prolong a call to the next meal time is a positive rudeness, as
it forces your hostess to invite you to the table whether
convenient and agreeable or not.
In calling upon friends at a boardinghouse or a hotel, always
write their names above your own upon your card, that it may be
certain to be delivered to the right person.