IN this country men do not embrace each other, nor do they
exchange kisses, while, unless amongst intimate friends, even the
fair sex now dispense with demonstrative salutations. In many
European countries kisses are exchanged, even between gentlemen,
and an embrace is quite in accordance with even a somewhat formal
salutation. In America, however, these demonstrations are mostly
confined to gushing misses and school-girls.
Men in this country acknowledge an introduction by extending the
right hand in greeting--the whole hand--for it is positively
insulting to offer two fingers, as some under-bred snobs will
sometimes do, and it is almost as bad to extend the left hand,
unless two persons are introduced at the same time, or the right
hand is useless or occupied; in any such case apologize for the
hand extended. The right hand is the sword hand, and its extension
to a friend is emblematic as a proof of peace, and as a safeguard
against treachery.
In offering the hand to a friend in the house, always remove the
glove, and grasp the hand given in return firmly for a moment. In
the street, however, the glove may be retained, if it would cause
an awkward pause to remove it; but always in such a case apologize
for the covered hand.
In shaking hands, do not try to wring them off the wrists, nor
press them as in a vise, nor pull them as though they were bell
handles, nor fling the two together with violence, so as to cause
a report. Let the palms grasp each other firmly, but without any
display of energy, and shake the hand moderately for a moment,
then release it. Mr. Pecksniff was wont to clasp his left hand
over his "dear friend's" right hand, resting in his own right.
This practice may be very effective, from a scenic point of view,
but it is not countenanced by any rule of etiquette.
A lady must first recognize a gentleman by bowing before he is at
liberty to salute her. She is the sole judge of the propriety of
recognizing him at all, and etiquette requires the strictest
deference to her desire in this respect. Should she recognize him,
he should raise his hat a little from his head, with the hand
furthest from her, and return her salutation with a slight
inclination of the body. He may not obtrude himself upon her
notice even if he thinks she has not observed him.
A lady should never stop in the street to salute a gentleman
friend, nor may a gentleman join a lady in the street.
Should a lady, however, stop in meeting a gentleman, etiquette
requires him to stop also, no matter how great his haste. If he is
really unable to stop any time, he must at least pause long enough
to state this fact, and apologize for leaving her in such haste.
When a lady wishes to end a conversation in the street, she should
bow slightly, and the gentleman must at once take his leave.
If a lady resumes her walk without any pause in the conversation,
a gentleman is then at liberty to join her in her promenade.
Married ladies are allowed more freedom in such matters than
unmarried ones. It is against all established laws of etiquette
for young unmarried ladies to do more than bow to gentlemen in the
street, unless the fact of relationship allows some violation of
strict etiquette.
Unless related, or upon terms of intimate friendship with a
gentleman, a lady should never salute excepting by a slightly
formal bow. A nod is vulgar, even when exchanged by intimate
friends.
In her own house, however, a lady should extend her hand in
salutation to every guest who crosses her threshold.
Froissart, that charmingly quaint writer, tells of the dame of
ancient days thus:
"When Sir Walter Manny and his men returned from a successful
sortie out of Henneboune, the chronicle tells us,' The Countess de
Montfort came down from the castle to meet them, and with a most
cheerful countenance kissed Sir Walter Manny and all his
companions, one after the other, like a noble and valiant dame.'"
Modern etiquette would hardly speak in praise of such a lady in
the current year.
On horseback a lady salutes by bowing slightly. A gentleman,
grasping reins and whip in his left hand, raises his hat slightly
with his right, at the same time inclining the body forward. He
may not, however, join a lady riding, unless she is escorted only
by a groom, and then he must first request permission to do so.
Never will a gentleman so far imitate a vulgar clown as to smack a
friend on the back, poke him in the ribs, or by clapping his hand
upon his shoulder. It is equally bad taste to use a familiar
shout, or "Hullo, old boy!" or any other "Hail fellow, well met"
phrase of salutation.
If a gentleman salutes another by mistake, even if he has given
him an unceremonious slap or poke, it is etiquette to treat the
offender with the utmost courtesy. He will probably be
sufficiently embarrassed, when he discovers his error, without
having any blunt speech made to add to his discomfiture.
If a gentleman meet a gentleman, be may salute him by touching his
hat without removing it, but if a lady be with either gentleman
both hats must be lifted in salutation.
If a gentleman stops to speak to a lady, in the street, he must
hold his hat in his hand during the interview, unless she requests
him to replace it. With a gentleman friend etiquette does not
require this formality.
A gentleman may bow to a lady seated at a window, if he is passing
on the street, but he must not bow from a window to a lady on the
street.
A gentleman may never offer to shake hands with a lady, but he
must accept such an offer on her part, taking her hand lightly but
firmly in his ungloved right one, and delicately shaking it for a
moment. A pressure is an insult in such a case.
In entering a church a gentleman must remove his hat as soon as
his foot crosses the threshold of the sacred edifice. Travellers
will often omit this salutation in visiting churches abroad, whose
faith differs from their own. There is no more certain sign of ill
breeding as well as irreverence.
A gentleman may always bow to a lady he may meet on a airway, even
if not acquainted. If at the foot of the stairs, he must bow, pass
her and ascend before her. If at the head of the stairs, he must
bow, and wait for her to precede him in the descent.
If two friends are walking together and meet a friend of one, a
bow is all the salutation etiquette demands; if, however, one of
the two stops to speak to the third, he owes the friend he
accompanies an apology for the delay thus occasioned.
In entering a room, a gentleman must take his hat, cane and gloves
in his left hand, leaving his right hand free for salutation.
If a gentleman, walking with a friend, meets a lady with whom his
friend is acquainted, he must also bow, although the lady may be a
stranger to him. The bow must be very slight and formal, merely,
in fact, a compliment to his friend, and a mark of respect to the
lady.
A gentleman must always return a bow made to him in the street,
even if he fails to recognize the person who makes it. It may be a
person to whom he has been introduced, but whose face he has
forgotten, and if it is an error on the part of the other, a
courteous return of the salute will greatly diminish the
embarrassment of the mistaken party.
In meeting a party of friends with some of whom you are intimately
acquainted, and with some only slightly, endeavor to make your
salutations as equal as possible. A formal bow to one, and a
gushing demonstration of delight over another is a breach of
etiquette. Be courteous and cordial to all.
If a foreigner salute you after the fashion of his own country, do
not draw back or allow yourself to smile, but strive to put him at
his ease by taking no notice of the "national salute."
Kissing in public, even between intimate lady friends, is a vulgar
parade of affection, that a truly refined person will shrink from.
It is an insult to return a cordial grasp of the hand, and hearty
greeting, by a cold bow or a flabby extension of a portion of the
hand. Even if you do not approve of the familiar greeting you
should return it with some show of cordiality.
The Countess de --- speaking of salutations, says:
"It would seem that good manners were originally the mere
expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a
rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of
worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy
with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages
when the strong hand ruled, and the inferior demonstrated his
allegiance by studied servility. Let us take for example the
words' Sir' and' Madam.'' Sir' is derived from Seigneur, Sieur',
Sire, and originally meant Lord, King, Ruler, and in its
patriarchal sense, Father. The title of Sire was last borne by
some of the ancient feudal families of France who, as Selden has
said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of Sire than
Baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.'
"Madam or Madame, corrupted by servants into 'Ma'am,' and by Mrs.
Gamp and her tribe into' Mum,' is in substance equivalent to' Your
exalted,' or' Your Highness.' _Ma Dame_ originally meaning high-
born or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest
rank.
"To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our
hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to
strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave
our hand to our friends as he passes the window, or drives away
from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on
the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga
Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant
grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has
a primary, a historical significance. The very word' salutation'
in the first place, derived as it is from' salutatio,' the daily
homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a
history of manners.
"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and
rulers. A bow is a modified protestation. A lady's courtesy is a
modified genuflexion. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and
when we wave our hand to the friend on the opposite side of the
street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans who, as Selden
tells us, used to stand somewhat off before the images of their
gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it,
as if they had cast kisses.'
"Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a
custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron
gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for
the palm of a fair _chatelaine_, and the custom which began in
necessity has travelled down to us as a point of etiquette."
General salutations of a mixed company are not now in vogue in the
best society, where etiquette requires that we recognize only our
own friends and acquaintances.
In meeting at a friend's house where you are visiting a circle who
are all entire strangers to you, remember that as mutual friends
of the host and hostess you are bound whilst under the same roof
to consider yourselves as acquaintances. No spirit of
exclusiveness is an apology for a neglect of this, and no shyness
can excuse a withdrawing into a corner, or clinging to one friend
alone in such a circle.