his son took part, "be careful of the drink. When you see those two
lights at the end of the room appear to be four, you may be sure you
have had enough, and stop." "But, father," replied the interested son,
"I see only one light at present."
CHANGE AND REST
Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the ready wit of Magee, his
predecessor in the see of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at some
country place, and on his leaving, the innkeeper had presented an
extortionate bill, at the same time expressing the hope that his visitor
had had change and rest. "No, indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter
has got the change and you have got the rest."
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
A young recruit was somewhat perturbed regarding a regulation about
which his comrades had told him. "If you please, sergeant," he said,
"the other fellows say I've got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no
compulsion about growing a moustache, my lad; but you mustn't shave your
upper lip," was the reply.
THE WAY TO YORK
A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met a member of a shrewd and
plain-speaking sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" said the
traveller. To which the other replied, "Friend, first thou tellest me a
lie, and then thou askest me a question."
THE WAY TO DO IT
A gentleman, having a light sovereign which he could not pass, gave it
to his Irish servant, and asked him to pass it. At night he asked him
if he had got rid of the coin. "Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was
forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner;
so, at a cinema where the admission was threepence, I whipped it in
between two halfpence, and the man put it in his pocket and never saw
it."
LOT AND THE FLEA
"Children," said the Sunday school superintendent, "this picture
illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and
daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot and his daughters, with
his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now has
any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson?
Well, Susie?"
"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class,
"where ith the flea?"
WHIST
Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very impatient of any want of skill
on the part of those with whom he was playing. Taking a hand with three
poor players he was asked by a friend how he was getting on, and replied
with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, considering that I have three
adversaries."
A NEW PRESCRIPTION
An American doctor being called upon to prescribe for a child, whose
ailment was not clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the little
cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and I'm a dab at fits."
JACOB'S LADDER
A clergyman had preached on the subject of Jacob's ladder, and his son,
who was present, was much impressed. A few days later he told his
father that he had dreamed about his father's discourse. "And what did
you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder
reaching from the ground up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder
were many pieces of chalk and no one was allowed to ascend without
taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each
sin committed." "Very interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well,
father, I thought I would go up and I marked the rungs as I went, but I
hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," said the
father, "and who was that?" "You, father," replied the boy. "I,
whatever was I coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply.
A PORTRAIT
A photographer went with a friend to an exhibition of paintings. The
latter called his attention to a portrait of an angular lady in evening
dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in professional tones, "over-exposed and
underdeveloped."
BLOATERS
"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, what would thirteen cost?"
Tommy did not know and was sent into an adjoining classroom to work out
the problem. The boy was very quiet, and on looking to see what he was
doing the master discovered him before a blackboard covered with
figures. "How are you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What was the
question, sir?" he replied. "If a bloater and a half----" "Oh,
bloaters--I've been working it out in kippers!"
A CONVENIENCE
During a cross-examination an undertaker produced his business card, on
which was a telegraphic address. He was asked why the latter should be
necessary.
"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose it is for the convenience of
people who want to be buried in a hurry."
THE PRAYER MEETING
A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but
very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So
that's where I was!" replied the man.
TAKING TIME
An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race.
After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a
white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse,
and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your
temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, boss," replied the ailing negro,
"I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."
KING'S EVIDENCE
When Whitfield first went to America, observing, during his voyage, the
dissolute manners of the crew, he invited them to one of his pious
declamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for their loose manner
of living. "You will certainly," says he, "go to hell. Perhaps you may
think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all
your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his
messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey;
the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence."
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" asked the
_enfant terrible_.
"Yes, my dear, if you're good."
BALAAM'S SWORD
A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many
other curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is a sword with
which Balaam was going to kill his ass." One of the company observed
that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. "You are
right," replied the student, "and this is the very sword he wished for."
THE HONORARIUM
The local Council had decided that in consequence of untiring and
devoted service they would grant an honorarium to one of their staff.
One of the oldest and most energetic members rose to speak in favour of
the presentation, but expressed his opinion that the Council certainly
ought to ascertain first whether the young man could play the
instrument.
MANNERS
A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was
eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow
his reverence to pass, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than
taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi
feeds meself."
SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he,
"the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
examine all who pass, that, for the honour of the country, no one be
permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said
she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."
THE AVERAGE EGG
The teacher asked the arithmetic class: "What is the meaning of the word
average?" A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens lay eggs on."
"Why?" "Because I've read that a hen lays an egg on an average once a
day."
FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
A gentleman was one day relating to a Quaker a tale of deep distress,
and concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could not but feel for
him." "Verily, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that
thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst thou feel in the right
place--didst thou feel in thy pocket?"
THE G.O.M.
A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while Mr. Gladstone still held the
reins, Mrs. Gladstone entertained him, till her husband, who was
upstairs writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the terrible
state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but added consolingly, "There
is One above us who will set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed Mrs. G.,
"he'll be down directly."
A NEAT RETORT
A member of a celebrated theatrical family made his first appearance on
the operatic stage. His voice, however, was so bad that the conductor
of the orchestra called out to him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr.
Kemble, you are murdering the music." "My dear Sir," came the retort,
"it is far better to murder it outright than to keep on beating it as
you do."
A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
To a country squire, who having been worsted in an argument with his
rector, remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove! I'd make
him a parson," Sydney Smith quietly replied, "I see that your father was
of a different mind."
A COMMON DIFFICULTY
A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support
them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune
how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine,"
replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not
deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the
mouths, and you the food."
MARY JONES
The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest
the children in the Burial Service.
He was dealing with the part which speaks of the changing of the earthly
body: but found several of his audience busily engaged in conversation.
Determined to secure better attention if possible, he asked the
following question, "And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile body?" To
which came the ready answer, "Please, sir, mother did, and I made the
skirt."
DONALD COMPLIED
A gentleman having an estate in the Highlands advertised the shootings
to let, and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the place for all it
was worth.
An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to how it was stocked with game,
first asked if it had any deer.
Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."
"Any grouse?"
"Thoosands of them, too."
"Any partridges?"
"Thoosands of them, too."
"Any woodcock?"
"Thoosands of them, too."
The Englishman, thinking Donald was drawing the long bow, asked if there
were any gorillas. Donald drew himself up.
"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they jist come occasionally, noo and
again, like yoursel'."
VEGETARIANISM
It is related of a coachman that his medical adviser prescribed animal
food as the best means of restoring health and activity. "Patrick," said
he, "you're run down a bit, that's all. What you need is animal food."
Remembering his case a few days afterwards, he called upon Pat at his
stable. "Well, Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with the
treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat replied, "Oi manage all right with
the grain and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."
FELLOW-FEELING
A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton
for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that the
latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was in hopes you would have
treated my failings with more gentleness, and that you would have been
the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many
blunders of yours."
JONAH AND THE WHALE
"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live in the stomach of a whale,"
someone said to Father Healy one day.
"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I saw a friend coming out of a fly
this morning."
WHOLLY GOOD
At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and
thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit
down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, "I think
if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she
would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she
immediately sat down. A young minister standing by, blushed to the
temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact."
"Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole
in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."
"CAREFUL, NOW!"
"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man
there?" enquired a mistress.
"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye
wears, that don't make no noise," replied Mary.
SAFETY
An English gentleman, travelling through the county of Kilkenny, came to
a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The water being rather
more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if any
person was ever lost in the passage! "Never," replied Terence; "never.
My brother was drowned here last week; but we found him again the next
day."
O'BRIEN THE LUCID
"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically asked one man of another
who was standing in front of him at the theatre. "Faith, an' Oi'm not,"
replied the other. "It's O'Brien that Oi am."
MERCY
An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red
cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the
clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole
congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!"
cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak
before."
A BULL
"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish 'bull'?" asked an inquiring
tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a
field, an' one of them standing up, that 'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat
triumphantly.
A GOOD REASON
"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes, and he never
cries," replied the old lady. "That's because he's never washed,"
rejoined the youngster.
THE ARREST
"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically to an "old offender,"
"what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the laconic
reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said
Pat, without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."
CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
"As you are well up in biblical points, will you tell us the difference
between the cherubim and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.
"Well, I believe there was a difference between them a long time ago,
but they have since made it up."
SOLITUDE
An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer in support of his theory of
the ridiculous. One man said to another, "I am very fond of taking long
walks by myself." "So am I," said the other; "our tastes are congenial,
so let us take long walks together."
A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is't a
laddie or a lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid.
"Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that, for there's ower mony women in the
world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no ken there's ay maist sown o'
the best crop?"
AMERICAN POULTRY
A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the opportunity to do the honours
and "show off" on the occasion of a visit to New York of one of his
compatriots from the "Ould Counthry." To dazzle him he invited him to
dine at one of the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants. "Now, me
bhoy," he said, "just you follow my lead, and I'll order everything of
the best." Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter, fetch a
couple of cocktails." His friend gave himself away, however, when he
whispered audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd rather have a wing."
GRACE MAL A PROPOS
A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon a duchess, was fearful of
committing some error in her deportment. She therefore consulted a
friend as to the manner in which she should consult this great
personage, and was told that, on going before the duchess, she must say
her Grace, and so on. Accordingly, away went the girl, and, on being
introduced, after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what I am going to
receive, the Lord make me truly thankful." To which the duchess
answered: "Amen!"
THE POOR IDIOT
A dull preacher in a country church sent all the congregation to sleep,
except an idiot, who sat with open mouth, listening. The parson became
enraged, and, thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this
poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and if I had not been a poor
idiot, I should have been asleep too."
A WELSH WIG-GING
An Englishman and a Welshman were disputing in whose country was the
best living. Said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in
Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
dinner." "Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man
toasted his own cheese."
FORGIVENESS
"I intend to pray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that
brick at you," said the parson, when he called to see a man who had been
worsted in a melee. "Mebbe yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd
just wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," replied the
patient.
AN ODD COMPARISON
Sir William B----, speaking at a parish meeting, made some proposals
which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to
the farmer, "do you know that I have been at the two Universities, and
at two colleges in each University?" "Well, sir," said the farmer,
"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the more he
sucked, the greater calf he grew."
ACOUSTICS
When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings,
for public orations, he happened at that time to be behindhand in his
payments to his workmen; and coming one day among them to see how they
were working, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a
speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow
mounting and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for
in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that,
speak any thing that comes uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says
the fellow, "we have been working for you these six months, and cannot
get one penny of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to pay us?"
"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard
enough; I cannot but own that you speak very distinctly, though I don't
much admire your subject."
SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
A boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who
had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your
mag t-t-talk yet?" "Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd
wring his head off."
BRIGHT AND SHARP
A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth,
they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years,
and vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!"
returned the child.
SOFTNESS
A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter observed that he
always slept in gloves, because it made his hands so soft. "Do you sleep
in your hat, too?" the lady asked.
AN EASY QUALIFICATION
Residence in the parish is, of course, required of those who desire
their banns to be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and bridegroom must
qualify themselves by staying several nights in the parish where such
banns are published.
"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a rector of an intending benedict.
"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of your sermons," was the
surprising answer.
MISER'S CHARITY
An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"
but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to
that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks
proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is
nothing to nobody."
ON TAKING A WIFE
The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a lecture, said, "You have been
fooling about as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought to settle down
and take a wife." Tom innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"
THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway journey, the porter began
collecting his luggage, and said: "How many articles are there, sir?"
"Thirty-nine," replied the Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted
round, then said in despair: "There are only fourteen here, sir." "Ah,"
said the Bishop, smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."
THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
A good story of the late portly Duchess of Teck was told by Canon
Teignmouth Shore. Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner between Shore
and another canon when the former said that she must find herself in
rather an alarming position:--
"Canon to right of you, Canon to left of you, Volleys and
thunders."
"Well," replied the Duchess, "this is the very first time I have been
connected with the Light Brigade."
HOW TO WIN
"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always fighting with Willie Simpkins?
I never hear of you quarrelling with any of the other boys in the
neighbourhood." "He's the only one I can lick," answered Dennis.
PIGS
The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, seeing the small son of the
farmer outside, asks the youngster where his father is, and gets the
following reply: "Father is in yonder field with the pigs. You'll know
him--he's got a 'at on!"
BACON AND THE DEVIL
A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse which proved to be unsound.
Meeting the seller shortly after he taxed him with bad faith and asked
him to take the horse back again. But this he refused to do, and
finding his remonstrances in vain the Quaker addressed him thus very
calmly, "Friend, thou hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the
herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks fast to the bacon. Good
morning to thee, friend."
HINTS TO MOTHERS
The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following
among his directions for using: "When the baby is done drinking it must
be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. If the baby
does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled."
GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
A doctor accustomed to high fees had been attending Garrick, charging
two guineas a visit. The patient began to grudge this sum and at length
decided to halve it, and on the termination of a visit handed the doctor
the fee which he had resolved was sufficient. The physician began
looking about him as though in search of something. He was asked if he
had lost anything. "Sir," replied the doctor, "I believe I have dropped
a guinea." "No, doctor," said the patient with quiet significance, "it
is I that have dropped a guinea."
A SAFE SHOT
A City gentleman was invited down to the country for "a day with the
birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great
disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by
the size of the bag. "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but
the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year!" "Not all of
them, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen
times. 'E's a-follering you about, sir." "Following me about?
Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" "Well, sir," came the reply, "I
dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety."
HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of
surgeons question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After
answering very satisfactorily the numerous enquiries made, a young
gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse
perspiration, what would he prescribe? He mentioned many diaphoretic
medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus
continued, "Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would
you take next?" "Why, sir," enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, "I
would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a
sweat, I do not know what would."
DIFFERENCES
Someone was endeavouring to convince a certain old lady by quotations
from Scripture on some point or other. "You see, Madam," said he, "St.
Paul in his Epistle to the Ephesians says," and he repeated the passage
to her (as he thought, very impressively). "Yes," replied the lady, very
collectedly, "I know all about that; but that's just where Paul and I
differ!"
COALS
During the high price of coals, a gentleman, meeting his coal-merchant,
asked whether it was a good time to lay in a stock? The knight of the
black diamonds shook his head, saying, "Coals are coals now, sir." To
which his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear it, for the last you
sent me were all slates."
MODESTY