asked him to help her to some more jam. "Certainly, Janet, but why not
help yourself?" The answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd give me
more."
AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a widow and the other with a
husband still living in India, called at a house, and on the former
leaving, a gentleman offered to escort her to her carriage. But the
sisters resembled each other so much that he mistook the widow for the
married one, and when she remarked to him, on the way to the door, how
very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so hot as where your husband
is!"
MODERN EDUCATION
Two navvies were arguing on education of the present day.
One was of opinion that it was practically of little use, the other that
it was of the greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he said, "he can
answer any question you like to ask him. Here he comes, bringing my
dinner. You ask him anything you like." "Jack," said the other, "your
father tells me you are getting on well at school. How many are seven
and four?" "Twelve," was the prompt reply.
"There you are," said the proud father, "right, within one, first
blooming guess."
THE RULING PASSION
One of the chosen people, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to
the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a
reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he
would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two
fellow-prisoners hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his
business, he said, "He waited to see if he could bargain with the
hangman for the two shentlemen's clo'."
EDUCATION
"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't you run it down." "Ever had
any of it, Pat?" "Me? Well, I should say yes. I went to night school
all one winter." "An' what did you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did
I get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and seven umbrellas. Don't
you tell me that going to school is a waste of time."
A LONG GRACE
A parish minister was in the habit of preaching two sermons on a Sunday
morning to save his parishioners another journey to church. A young girl
in the congregation became so tired and hungry that at the beginning of
the second sermon she whispered to her grandmother, who accompanied her,
"Come awa', granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, and na meat."
THE USE OF FALSE TEETH
The dinner had been a huge success, and a highly ornamented pie was much
praised. The cook having been complimented was asked how she had managed
to impart so much artistic taste into the design. "Well, mum," she
replied, "I did it with your false teeth."
HOW TO COLLECT
A public man was appealing on behalf of a certain charity, when a note
was handed up to him asking if it would be right for a bankrupt to
contribute in response to his appeal. The speaker referred to this in
the course of his lecture and said decidedly that such a person could
not do so in Christian honesty. "But, my friends," he added, "I would
advise you who are not insolvent not to pass the plate this evening, as
if you do the people will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'"
IMPERSONATION
_Captain_: "What's he charged with, Casey?"
_Officer_: "I don't know the regular name fer it, captain; but I caught
him a-flirting in the park."
_Captain_: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer."
A SMART RETORT
_Facetious Doctor_ (to artist): "The pictures which hang on the walls
are your failures, I suppose?"
_Dyspeptic Artist_: "Yes. And that's where you doctors have the pull
over us. You can bury yours."
TRUTH WILL OUT
Jim was being chastised by his father, and a passer-by stopped to
enquire the reason for the punishment. He was informed that Jim had not
locked up the chicken house the previous night. "But surely that's not
a very bad offence: the chickens are sure to come home again." The
father replied hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, Mister,
they wouldn't _come_ home; they'd _go_ home."
SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES
A young and energetic curate suggested to the vicar that Sunday
afternoon services should be held in the church for the school children.
The Vicar gave his consent, and on the following Sunday afternoon the
curate marshalled the children in the churchyard four a-breast to march
into the church.
He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian soldiers," and decided to
conduct them into the church, in real Salvation Army style, walking
backwards.
On entering the church they commenced the verse, "See the mighty army,
Satan leading on;" and he wondered why the congregation laughed.
A NEW DISH
A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in the way of business, became
proud. One day there were customers in the shop when the shop-boy came
in to say that the mistress bid him say dinner was ready. "What's for
dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, sir," answered the boy.
"All right," said the shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner he
reprimanded the boy for not mentioning something decent and big, telling
the boy always to mention a good feed when there were any people in the
shop. A few days afterwards the boy came to say that dinner was ready.
"What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered
the boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the shoemaker. "A whale, sir,"
answered the boy.
FULL OF PLUCK
_Countryman_ (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay nothin' extra for gas. Jest
pull her out, even if it does hurt."
_Dentist_: "You are plucky, sir. Let me see the tooth."
_Countryman_: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got the toothache; it's me wife.
She'll be here in a minute."
CANDID ON BOTH SIDES
"I rise for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am
very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more."
THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS
A dispute about precedence once arose between a Bishop and a Judge, and,
after some altercation, the latter thought he would quite confound his
opponent by quoting the passage, "For on these two hang all the Law and
the Prophets." "Do you not see," said the lawyer in triumph, "that even
in this passage of Scripture, _we_ are mentioned first?" "I grant you,"
said the Bishop, "_you_ hang first."
LUCUS A NON LUCENDO
A man living in a quiet country place invited a neighbour to dine and
spend the evening with him. The night being dark, when it was time to
go, the guest, who had done himself very well, begged to be allowed to
borrow a large lantern in the hall to light him on his way. The next
day the host sent his servant round with the following note: "Dear old
chap, I shall be glad to have back my parrot and cage if you have
finished with it."
THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN
A lady was telling her doctor that her maid objected to going to the
Isle of Wight again, as the climate "was not embracing enough," and
added, "What am I to do with such a woman?" The doctor replied, "You
had better take her to the Isle of Man."
A CUNNING ELDER
A canny Scot had got himself installed in the eldership of the church,
and, in consequence, had for some time carried round the ladle for the
collections. He had accepted the office of elder because some wag had
made him believe that the remuneration was six-pence each Sunday, with a
bag of meal on New Year's Day. When the time arrived, he claimed his
reward, but was told he had been hoaxed. "It may be sae wi' the meal,"
he said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences mysel'."
AS YOU LIKE IT
An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't care how he dressed when in
London, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed
when at home, "because everybody knew him."
UNNECESSARY CIVILITY
Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the maid he was about to marry,
"Weel, Jenny, haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the circumstance
that during their whole courtship he had never even given her a kiss.
Her quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil."
AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE
The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of which was so arranged that
passers-by could see what was taking place. A small boy approached and
observed the process of hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of
a customer surprised the lad, who called to his chum, "Blimey, Charley,
they're looking for 'em with a light now."
AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE
Two Cockney boys were examining the mummies at the British Museum for
the first time, and one of them was much puzzled by the labels denoting
the age of the contents. "I wonder what those figures mean?" said
Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked B.C. 1500. "Garn, silly,
don't you know? That's the number of the motor what run over 'im."
TABLE OF COMPARISON
To instil into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business precepts
was Cohen senior's earnest endeavour. He taught his offspring much,
including the advantages of bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two
bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. Then
Cohen junior looked up brightly.
"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"
"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthy
woman, marriage is almost as good as a failure."
THE INTELLIGENT CAT
Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.
"It appears to me," one said, that "they seem to pick out the choicest
plants to scratch out of the ground."
"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and
then sits and actually defies me."
"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.
"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of
my greenhouse to defy me."
HEAR! HEAR!
At a local "Parliament" a member much annoyed the House by continually
interrupting the speakers with cries of "Hear! Hear!" One of the latter
took the opportunity of alluding to a well-known political character of
the times, whom he represented as a person who wished to play the rogue,
but had only sense enough to play the fool. "Where," he exclaimed with
emphatic continuation, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
more knavish fool than this?" "Hear! Hear!" was instantly shouted from
the usual seat. The speaker bowed and sat down amidst convulsions of
laughter.
MISPLACING THE BLAME
"O-o-oo-oh! Bo-o-o-ho-oo!"
As the childish wail rang through the house the anxious mother sprang to
her feet. Rushing into the hall, she met her little daughter coming in
from the garden and carrying a broken doll by the leg.
"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly.
"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child, "Willie's broken my do-oll!"
"The naughty boy! How did he do it?"
"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was the slow response.
WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH
A humorist asked a medical man, with an air of great seriousness, "Why
does hanging kill a man?" "Because," began, the explanation,
"inspiration is checked, circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and
congests the brain----" "Bosh!" interrupted the wag, "it is because the
rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."
MORAL QUALIFICATIONS
A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had been asking the character of a cook
she was about to engage. The lady whom the servant was leaving
naturally entered a little upon her moral qualifications, and described
her as a very decent woman. To which the first-named replied, "Oh, d--n
her decency, can she make good porridge?"
MEASURING HIS DISTANCE
A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a
certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the
reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?" "Because I expected
some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it."
AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES
A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy what was meant in the Catechism by
succouring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt
reply.
THE LATIN FOR COLD
A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in the winter time, what was
the Latin for cold. "Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this
moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."
THE CUT DIRECT
A gentleman having his hair cut was asked by the garrulous operator how
he would have it done?--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in
silence."
COMMON WANT
In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
disputants, he began:
"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----"
"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that is precisely what you _do_
want!"
The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
NOT TO BE BEATEN
A Highlander who prided himself on being able to play any tune on the
pipes perched himself on the side of one of his native hills one Sunday
morning and commenced blowing for all he was worth.
Presently the minister came along and, going up to MacDougall with the
intention of severely reprimanding him, asked in a very harsh voice,
"MacDougall, do you know the Ten Commandments?"
MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment and then, in an equally harsh
voice, said:
"D'ye think you've beat me? Just whistle the first three or four bars,
and I'll hae a try at it."
AN ODD NOTION
A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"
"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the girl; "I'm
married!"
"IF----"
"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind my shilling by the loight of
a match. If I 'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a flashloight to
foind it with."
LATE AND EARLY
The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a
superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
late to the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but see how early I
go!"
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE
"I keep an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her
boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little
upon it."
SHARP BOY
A mother admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little
urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the
plum-pudding tonight."
THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH
"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said a dear old lady in a
country village, "as it seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry to
be relieved of his watch."
CREDIT
A beautiful girl stepped into an American store and asked for a pair of
gloves. "Why," said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may have them
for a kiss." "Agreed," said the young lady, pocketing the gloves, and
her eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I see you give credit, you
may charge it in your books, and collect it the best way you can."
UNKIND
An indifferent artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was
talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his drawing-room. "I
am white-washing it," said he, "and in a short time I shall begin
painting." "I think," replied one of his audience, "you had better paint
it first, and white-wash it afterwards."
NOT COMPULSORY
A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant was accosted by the waiter
with the inquiry, "Soup, sir? Soup, sir?" The customer took no notice
and calmly removed his overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his
question. Becoming angry, the gentleman said, "Is it compulsory?"
"No," was the reply, "It's oxtail, sir."
"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"
A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped by stammering, but when he
used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a
countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu-u-rn," was the reply,
"to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out,
"Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you!"
AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
A poor man came to his minister and begged to be unmarried, for he was
very unhappy. The minister assured him that was out of the question, and
urged him to put away the notion of anything so absurd. The man
insisted that the marriage could not hold good, for the wife was worse
than the devil. The minister demurred saying that was quite impossible.
"Na," said the poor man, "the Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil
he flees frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye."
A DIFFICULT TASK
A school inspector, finding that the boys whom he was examining were
inattentive, endeavoured to pull them together.
"Now then," said he, "will somebody please give me a number and watch
how I make the figures?"
"74," called out a youth, and the class gazed while the inspector wrote
on the board 47.
Another number was called for and a boy cried out "65" the inspector
turned round and wrote 56. As the class took no notice the inspector
became annoyed, and asked the boys if they noticed nothing different in
the figures. Nobody replied, so he thought he would make another attempt
and called again for a number. A long pause ensued, but at last a boy
stood up and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what you can do to
twist that round."
NON-RUNNERS
An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest against the cruel practice
of scratching horses. She called special attention to a reference in the
morning paper saying that three horses had been scratched on the day of
the race--a most cruel and barbarous thing to do.
THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
An Englishman being doubtful of his way inquired if he were on the right
road to Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness about strangers the
countryman asked his inquirer where he came from. Offended at the
liberty as he considered it, the traveller reminded the man that where
he came from was nothing to him, but all the reply he got was the quiet
rejoinder. "Indeed, it's just as little to me whar ye'r gaen."
A VIOLENT PARTNER
A gentleman well-known for the violence of his temper had occasion to
escort a lady down to dinner one evening. Unfortunately the lady was
extremely deaf, of which fact her partner was unaware.
After they were seated, the gentleman addressed the lady, "Madam, may I
have the honour to help you to some fish?" But he got no reply; after a
pause but still in the most courteous accents, "Madam, have I your
permission to send you some fish?" Then a little quicker, "Are you
inclined to take fish?" Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam, do
you choose fish?" At last the storm burst, and to everybody's
consternation, with a loud thump on the table and stamp on the floor,
"D---- you, will you have any fish!"
WISDOM
An Irishman, being asked the meaning of the phrase "posthumous works"
readily answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the books that a man writes
after he is dead."
A DOUBTFUL POINT
A minister engaged in visiting members in his parish came to the door of
a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of
discussion within. After waiting a little, he opened the door and
walked in, saying in an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who
is the head of this house."
"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, "if you will sit down for a
little while, maybe we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very
point we are now trying to settle."
THE BETTER WAY
A loin of mutton was on a table, and the gentleman opposite to it took
the carving knife in hand. "Shall I cut it _saddlewise_?" he asked.
"You had better cut it _bridlewise_," replied the master of the house,
"for then we shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in our
mouths."
A GOOD REASON
"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister
in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an
inattentive member of his congregation.
"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony
woman, but yoursel say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"
"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're almost always fast asleep
before I've well given out my text; but when any of these young men from
other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's
what I call no using me as you should do."
"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll sune tell you the reason
of that. When you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in your
hands; but when these young birkies tak' it in haun, my certie, but it
tak's us a' to look after them."
A NEW TEXT
A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the
service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used
for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to
show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose
the whole world and gain his own soul."
AN AUCTION
Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following:
"The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more."
A REAL SPORT
A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could not get any sport. "So," said
he, "I lay down where they could not see me, and made a noise like a
turnip."
THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman who had been on holidays were
comparing the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman had a bust
of Shakespeare from Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog
oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't beat this," and he produced a
tea-spoon marked "L.&N.W.R."
PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY
WM. BRENDON AND SON. LTD.,
PLYMOUTH.