as they used to be, are they?" "Whatever makes you think that?" replied
her mother. "Well, little Willie can't talk yet, and he's nearly two,
but Job could talk when he was a baby." "Where does it tell you that,
dear?" asked mother. "Don't you remember the lesson this morning,
mother? It said that Job cursed the day he was born!"
A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
A woman having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
bystanders asked him if he was mad--she could not have gone against the
stream. The man answered, "She was obstinate and contrary in her life,
and no doubt she was the same at her death."
THE RULING PASSION
Lazarus Goldstein the auctioneer, being somewhat run down, was ordered
on a sea voyage by his doctor. After several days on board during which
period nothing had occurred to break the monotony of this to him
overpeaceful existence, he was suddenly aroused from his afternoon
siesta by the cry "A sail, a sail." His eyes brightened and calling his
wife, he said, "Sarah, where is dot catalogue?"
FELO-DE-SE
An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running
heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and was
drowned. The body soon being recovered, the coroner's jury was
summoned. One of the jurymen returning home, was asked what verdict
they brought in, and whether they found it "felo-de-se"? "Ay, ay!" says
the juryman, shaking his noddle. "He fell into the sea, sure enough."
HOW TO GET WARM
A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage with a fashionable lady decked
with a profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the cold.
Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl, as light as a cobweb, she
exclaimed, "What shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't know,"
replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another
breast-pin."
NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer
ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock;
may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I
don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white
sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be
fleeced."
OF COMPOSITIONS
A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next to a musician, and, thinking
she ought to say something about music, turned to her neighbour and
said: "Has Bach been composing much of late?" "No, madam, but I hear he
has been decomposing for some time!"
PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
A parson in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii.
14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three
Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows
going across the churchyard and hearing the bell toll, one asked the
other, who it was for. "Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's
mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."
THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
An old gentleman went out to tea, and being somewhat deaf was unable to
join in the general conversation. A kind-hearted lady wishing to make
him feel at home, said: "Do you like bananas?" To which he replied,
"No; I prefer the old-fashioned nightshirt."
ANTICIPATION
Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter Hall at which Bishop
Wilberforce had made an eloquent speech the audience began to go away.
A gentleman whose name was on the programme said to the Bishop, "I need
not speak; I hardly think they expect me." "To be sure they do," said
Wilberforce; "don't you see they are all going."
HYMNS AND HERS
On seeing a large picture by Watts from _Theodore and Honoria_ a friend
once asked Lord Houghton what it represented. "Oh!" he replied, "you
have heard of Watts's Hymns. These are Watts's Hers!"
HORS CONCOURS
At an evening party a new game was suggested. The guests were each to
make the most hideous grimaces that they could and the prize was to go
to the ugliest effort.
After long scrutiny the judge awarded the prize to a lady seated away
from the others. "I'm not playing," she replied indignantly.
THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
A story told of William the Fourth, if genuine, shows that king
possessed on occasion of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit.
The story runs that when dining with several officers he ordered a
waiter to "take away that marine," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your
Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do you compare an empty bottle
to a member of our branch of the service?" "Yes," answered the king.
"I mean to say that it has done its duty once and is ready to do it
again."
A UNITED COUPLE
John's wife complains, that John discourses
And thinks of nothing else but horses.
Whilst John, a caustic wag,
Says it's wonderful to see
How thoroughly their tastes agree,--
For, that his wife, as well as he,
Most dearly loves a nag.
WET PAINT
It was a dark wintry night, when a belated traveller, in a lonely
country district, found himself entirely lost as to his locality.
He wandered aimlessly for some time, till at last he found himself
against what he considered a signpost.
All efforts to find out any name on the same failing, he climbed the
post and read the words, "Wet paint."
TICK, TICK, TICK
Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting Lord Guildford, he mentioned
his change of residence, and also a change in his own habits. "My lord,
everything is carried on in my new house with the greatest
regularity--everything in short goes like clockwork." "Ah!" replied
Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick, tick, I suppose."
DIFFIDENCE
An Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard
the evidence?"
THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients in vain to arrest a Quaker,
resolved to adopt the habit and manner of one, in hope of catching the
primitive Christian. In this disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door
and inquired if he was at home. The housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I
see him?" "Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see thee." The
bailiff, confident of success, walked in, and after waiting nearly an
hour, rung a bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, "Thou
promised me I should see friend Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the
housekeeper, "I promised _he_ should see _thee_. He hath seen thee, but
he doth not like thee."
IMAGINATION
A small boy walking across a common with his mother espied a bunny.
"Look, mother, there goes a rabbit!" "Nonsense, my boy, it must have
been imagination." "Mother, is imagination white behind?"
UNREMITTING KINDNESS
"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
farthing! Call that kindness!" "Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold
replied.
A WARM PROSPECT
A well-known judge was credited with being parsimonious. A friend once
asked him, "What are you going to do with your money? You cannot take
it with you, and if you could it would melt!"
A SOPORIFIC STORY
The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one
day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general,
the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied
having been asleep; and to prove that he had not offered to repeat all
Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington
repeated a story and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "And
yet," said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of it but I went to sleep
because I knew that about this time you would tell that story."
ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
Curran and Father O'Leary were dining with Michael Kelly when the
barrister said: "Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter." "And why,
Counsellor, would you wish I were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary. "Because,
Reverend Father, in that case you would have the keys of heaven, and
could let me in." "By my honour and conscience, Counsellor," answered
O'Leary, "it would be better for you if I had the keys of the other
place, for then I could let you out."
THE LOST JOINT
The serving-maid was awkward and the joint fell on the floor. The young
mistress was naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost our dinner."
"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've got my foot on it."
THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with--"Come,
my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?" "Voight for my King,"
answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?"
IRELAND FOR EVER
An Irishman homeward bound from America frequently expressed his delight
by shouting, "Hurrah for Ireland!" "Hurrah for Ireland!" to the intense
amusement of most of the passengers. One irascible old fellow, however,
barely concealed his irritation at Pat's outbursts, and at last,
exasperated beyond endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for Hell!" "That's
right," said Pat. "Every man for his own country."
ALL MEN ARE LIARS
Thackeray was fond of telling the story of two men relating their
adventures. One of them had told his companion something as having
happened to him which was extremely improbable; the other capped it by a
statement still more outrageous. "What a liar you must be, Jack," said
his friend, to which he replied, "Well, _we are telling lies_, aren't
we?"
AN OBJECT LESSON
The diner-out had waited a quarter of an hour for his soup. Calling the
waiter he asked, "Have you ever been to the Zoo?"
"No, sir," was the reply.
"Well, you ought to go. You'd enjoy watching the tortoises whiz past."
AN UNKNOWN TONGUE
During the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to
the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu' thing that
the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?" "Not a
bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their
prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the
French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic,
"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them."
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
"Did you present your account to the defendant?" inquired a lawyer of
his client. "I did, your Honour." "And what did he say?" "He told me
to go to the devil." "And what did you say then?" "Why, then I came to
you."
"SOMEWHERE"
A lady who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to
a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I
think, sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely," replied the
gentleman, "you may, ma'am, as I have often been there."
THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a walking tour in the Highlands
when they came to a signpost which said, "Five miles to Stronachlachar."
Underneath this was written, "If you cannot read inquire at the
baker's." The Englishman laughed heartily when he read it, but refused
to tell the Scotsman the joke. That night the Englishman was surprised
at being woke up by his companion, who seemed much amused at something.
Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, "Och, mon, I hae just seen the
joke--the baker might not be in."
WAR AND TAXES
Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on
candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer.
A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that
the price was raised, and asked why? "It's a' awin' to the war," said
Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they
gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"
A MODERN ALFRED
A woman gave her little child a cloth to warm while she was otherwise
busied. The child held it to the fire, but so near that it changed
colour presently, and began to look like tinder; upon which the child
called to its mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it looks brown?"
CHARITY ON CREDIT
A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly contribution to the church
collection never exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, dropped into
the plate at the door a five-shilling piece; but discovering his error
before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace
the coin by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out,
"Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but ye maun take naething
out!" The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last
said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na,
laird," said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."
COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
The carter was going out with a lantern one evening, when he met the
farmer who employed him; he was asked where he was going. "Courting,"
was the reply. The farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern to go
courting with. When I went courting I never took a lantern." "I can
quite believe you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"
THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
An old gentleman was observed earnestly looking on the sands, evidently
for some object he had lost.
An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you lost something?" "Yes," was
the reply.
Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, "Is it anything
important?" "Yes," again came the answer, "I have lost my toffee."
"But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you found it, as it would
be full of sand." "But my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.
THE EMPTY BOTTLE
In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy was searching for the whisky
bottle, when her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' for?"
"Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. "Sure," replied the husband, "you'll
find it in the bottle where the whisky was."
H2O
The elementary class was being instructed in chemistry, and the master,
after several lessons, asked: "What is water?" One very young but
bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when
you wash your hands."
AN ACCIDENT
Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one addressed the other with, "Och,
Thady my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England? Pray did
you see anything of our old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a sight," he
replied, "and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why
he met with a very unfortunate accident lately." "Amazing! What was
it?" "Oh, indeed nothing more than this; he was standing on a plank
talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they
call Brixton, when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his
neck broke."
TOUCH HIM UP
Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive when the horse became
restive and the scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," said Parr,
"don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better
without me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was stopped enough for the
purpose, and no sooner had Parr safely descended than his advice
changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of
you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave
you to manage him--I'll walk home."
A SMART BOY
A boy of only nine years old was asked many questions by a bishop, and
gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, "I
will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is." "My Lord,"
replied the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell me where He is
not."
WEARING ROUGE
There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who was a saint and yet had a good
deal of wit. A lady went to consult him whether she might wear rouge;
she had been with several directeurs, but some were so severe, and some
so relaxed, that she could not satisfy her conscience, and therefore was
come to Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his sentence.
"I see, Madam," said the good prelate, "what the case is: some of your
casuists forbid rouge totally; others will permit you to wear as much as
you please. Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things, and
therefore I permit you to wear rouge on one cheek only."
THE POOR LANDLORD
Father Healy was talking to a friend in the street when a youth came up
begging alms; having received a penny he scampered off, revealing in his
retreat a very tattered apparel. "That is a nice cut of an Irish
landlord," said the priest. "How so?" asked the friend, "Because he has
rents in a rear."
THE DAY OF REST
"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister, walking homeward after
service with an industrious labourer, who was a constant attendant,
"well, Master Jackson, Sunday must be a blessed day of rest for you who
work so hard all the week. And you make a good use of the day, for you
are always to be seen at church." "Ah, sir," replied Jackson, "it is
indeed a blessed day; I works hard enough all the week, and then I comes
to church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and lays my legs up, and thinks
o' nothing!"
NOT TO BE CAUGHT
It was examination day at one of the R.A.M.C. headquarters.
"And if a man suffering from trench feet were brought to you, how would
you treat him?" asked the examiner.
The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge of the licensing laws,
quickly answered: "You won't catch me that way, sir. We should both pay
for our own."
MOLECULES
"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.
"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son.
"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the
mother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep
it in his eye."
A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN
Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning meditatively from a learned
discourse, came upon the recumbent body of a man in front of a house.
Being a Samaritan he proffered his services, and discovered that the man
lived on the first floor. Thither he piloted him and opening a door
pushed him gently in. Reaching again the ground floor another human
being confronted him and he also needed help to the first floor. But
when our Professor found yet another fellow-creature in distress his
curiosity was aroused and he said:
"It is strange that there should be three men needing help to the first
floor of the same house."
"Not so strange, mister," replied the prone figure, "seeing as 'ow
you've dropped me down the lift 'ole twice."
CHAPS
A pretty girl was complaining to a young Quaker that she was dreadfully
troubled by chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied the Quaker, "thou
shouldst not permit the chaps to come so near the lips."
TWINS
A farmer became the father of twins and on learning the news he was so
delighted that he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent this
telegram to his sister-in-law.
"Twins to-day. More to-morrow."
A NATURAL OBJECTION
The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors as well as its advocates.
Of the former it is said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones said
to William: "It's but natural. A milkman would pour cold water on
anything."
BADLY PUT
A doctor of eminence was called up on the telephone by an anxious lady.
"Are you a baby specialist?" he was asked.
"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."
A DOUBTFUL MARKET
A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his prospects and gave notice.
"You are making a mistake," said his employer, "you will do better to
remain here. Remember, a rolling stone gathers no moss."
"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. "Where's the market for it, I
should like to know?"
SEQUENCES
An old gentleman engaged a footman, and having instructed him in his
duties asked him if he understood sequences.
"I don't know, sir," replied the man; "will you please explain?"
"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay the cloth, you are to put the
knives, forks, salt, etc., on the table."
"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's all, no doubt I shall please
you."
His master, being ill one morning, ordered him to fetch a nurse with all
speed. He did not return until late at night, and on being reproached
explained the delay by telling that he went and found the nurse who was
below; the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a chemist, a doctor, a
surgeon, and an undertaker; and he had asked them all to attend--in fact
they were now waiting below.
TWO POINTS OF VIEW
A lawyer travelling by the Great Western to his circuit, wished to be
alone in order to study a brief, and having for his single companion a
mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting insanity. This he did so
naturally that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first quarter of
an hour, were directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow-passenger.
As they passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he observed, like a nurse
with a fractious child, "How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway."
"Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight bark, "you should see how the
railway looks from Hanwell." At the next station the divine got out
precipitately, and left the lawyer to himself.
A CANNIBAL
Willie had reached the tender and somewhat difficult age of six when his
uncle Edward came on a visit. His first conversation proved rather
trying.
"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal.
"A what, sir? What d'yer mean, sir?" returned the uncle.
"'Cause mamma said you was always livin' on somebody!"
TO LET--UNFURNISHED
When it was suggested that the squire's son should enter Parliament he
was asked which side he would take. The young man replied that he would
vote with those who had the most to offer him, and that he should wear
on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, Tom," commented his father, "and
write underneath those words 'unfurnished.'"
A FRIEND OF SATAN
A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his
specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their
dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief
full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing
vigorously because he could not make the windlass work.
"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, "do you know Satan?"
"Satan," said the man; "who's he? Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll
ask my mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"
The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?"
"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing the handkerchief, "there's a
bloke up here wot's got his dinner!"
THE TEDDY BEAR
A little girl received a present of a Teddy Bear. Unfortunately one of
its eyes was injured in the post. Asked what name she had given it, the
child said, "I call it Gladly, because I read in a book the other day,
'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'"
BROTHERLY LOVE
"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
preaching to a congregation of asses." "Was that the reason why you
always called them beloved brethren?" a lady inquired.
CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
On his removal to Bath after his retirement, Quin, the actor, found
himself extravagantly charged for everything, and at the end of the week
complained of this to Beau Nash, saying that he had invited him to Bath
as being the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a bon
vivant. Nash, himself no mean utterer of wit, replied saying that his
townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. "How so?" demanded
Quin. "Why!" concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger and they took you
in."
MULTIPLICATION
The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a
perplexed frown on his forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. No
response. "What's twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was
wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly."
A BIBLICAL STORY
A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too
helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his
successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped
curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there's safety in numbers."
"I found it in Exodus," was the reply.
THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving tone of voice, "breakfast is
very late this morning. I noticed last night that you had company in
the kitchen, and it was nearly twelve o'clock when you went to bed."
"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I knew you was awake, for I heard
ye movin' about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep this mornin', an'
I wouldn't disturb ye wid an early breakfast, ma'am."
HEMP
Two "nuts" were passing a field where a labourer was sowing. "Well, old
man," said one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, but we reap
the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very
likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."
GOOD ADVICE