Produced by Al Haines.
[Illustration: Cover art]
EVER HEARD THIS?
OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES
BY
F. W. CHAMBERS
THIRD EDITION
METHUEN & CO. LTD.
36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
LONDON
First Published ...... October 27th 1916
Second Edition ...... November 1916
Third Edition ...... December 1916
----
CONTENTS
WHAT HE WANTED
HIS CHOICE
NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
CHEAP TALK
SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
A CANDID CRITIC
WHAT'S IN A NAME
WHY BROWN LEFT
AN ASS'S SHADOW
GRACE
MISUNDERSTOOD
TRUMPS
THE STUTTERER
PRESENT AND FUTURE
THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
A PASSOVER STORY
EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
A GOOD PUN
SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
THE UNWELCOME GUEST
A LOST BALANCE
A BAD CROP
NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
JAW-ACHE
HER PROGRAMME
THE PROUD FATHER
A MIRACLE
KEEPING TIME
QUESTION AND ANSWER
MOTHER'S JAM POTS
WISDOM
WHY NOT?
THE OLD FARMER
ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
TACT
THE RETORT RUDE
THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
THE BEST JUDGE
A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
A SHIPWRECK
A SAFE CASE
THE WATCH MENDER
THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
HIGH PRINCIPLES
THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
CANNY SCOT
A NICE DISTINCTION
NOT TWO-FACED
CLERICAL WIT
A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
A GOOD REASON
ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
THE PATRIARCH
HIGH AND LOW
BEER
NOT IMPORTUNATE
THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
UNION IS STRENGTH
COURTSHIP
TO LET
CUT AND COME AGAIN
THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
KISMET
THE YOUNG IDEA
THE NEW BABY
HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
THE SHE BEAR
KNOWLEDGE
A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
THE EARLY BIRD
TABLE TALK
TROUBLES
A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
DRY HUMOUR
THE CHURCH ORGAN
COMMON PRAYER
SHORT COMMONS
TRUTH
A WRONG CHOICE
FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
A CHARACTER
HUSBAND OR COW
A NEW METHOD
GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
COLD FEET
BUSYBODIES
ALDERMANIC TASTES
"WARRANTED TO KILL"
PROFESSIONAL
THE NEW VERSION
DRAUGHTS
TENDERNESS
HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
A GOOD EXAMPLE
A MISFIT
A CHEERFUL INVITATION
THE INEVITABLE RESULT
JUSTICE
THAT AWFUL CHILD
A COSMOPOLITAN
CLOTHES AND THE MAN
A WITTY REPLY
THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
GRAMMAR
ONE SIDE AT A TIME
COMPANY
HER OWN FAULT
A POSER
YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
ABOVE PROOF
ON DEATH
ENVY
A HAT FOR NOTHING
AN OLD PROVERB
PRO BONO PUBLICO
A NEW RECIPE
NOT A WAXWORK
THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
TIPS
JUSTICE
DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
FAITH
JOB'S CURSE
A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
THE RULING PASSION
FELO-DE-SE
HOW TO GET WARM
NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
OF COMPOSITIONS
PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
ANTICIPATION
HYMNS AND HERS
HORS CONCOURS
THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
A UNITED COUPLE
WET PAINT
TICK, TICK, TICK
DIFFIDENCE
THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
IMAGINATION
UNREMITTING KINDNESS
A WARM PROSPECT
A SOPORIFIC STORY
ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
THE LOST JOINT
THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
ALL MEN ARE LIARS
AN OBJECT LESSON
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
"SOMEWHERE"
THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
WAR AND TAXES
A MODERN ALFRED
CHARITY ON CREDIT
COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
THE EMPTY BOTTLE
H2O
AN ACCIDENT
TOUCH HIM UP
A SMART BOY
WEARING ROUGE
THE POOR LANDLORD
THE DAY OF REST
NOT TO BE CAUGHT
MOLECULES
A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN
TWINS
A NATURAL OBJECTION
BADLY PUT
A DOUBTFUL MARKET
SEQUENCES
TWO POINTS OF VIEW
A CANNIBAL
TO LET--UNFURNISHED
A FRIEND OF SATAN
THE TEDDY BEAR
BROTHERLY LOVE
CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
MULTIPLICATION
A BIBLICAL STORY
THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
HEMP
GOOD ADVICE
CHANGE AND REST
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
THE WAY TO YORK
THE WAY TO DO IT
LOT AND THE FLEA
WHIST
A NEW PRESCRIPTION
JACOB'S LADDER
A PORTRAIT
BLOATERS
A CONVENIENCE
THE PRAYER MEETING
TAKING TIME
KING'S EVIDENCE
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
BALAAM'S SWORD
THE HONORARIUM
MANNERS
SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
THE AVERAGE EGG
FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
THE G.O.M.
A NEAT RETORT
A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
A COMMON DIFFICULTY
MARY JONES
DONALD COMPLIED
VEGETARIANISM
FELLOW-FEELING
JONAH AND THE WHALE
WHOLLY GOOD
"CAREFUL, NOW!"
SAFETY
O'BRIEN THE LUCID
MERCY
A BULL
A GOOD REASON
THE ARREST
CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
SOLITUDE
A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
AMERICAN POULTRY
GRACE MAL A PROPOS
THE POOR IDIOT
A WELSH WIG-GING
FORGIVENESS
AN ODD COMPARISON
ACOUSTICS
SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
BRIGHT AND SHARP
SOFTNESS
AN EASY QUALIFICATION
MISER'S CHARITY
ON TAKING A WIFE
THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
HOW TO WIN
PIGS
BACON AND THE DEVIL
HINTS TO MOTHERS
GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
A SAFE SHOT
HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
DIFFERENCES
COALS
MODESTY
AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
MODERN EDUCATION
THE RULING PASSION
EDUCATION
A LONG GRACE
THE USE OF FALSE TEETH
HOW TO COLLECT
IMPERSONATION
A SMART RETORT
TRUTH WILL OUT
SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES
A NEW DISH
FULL OF PLUCK
CANDID ON BOTH SIDES
THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS
THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN
A CUNNING ELDER
AS YOU LIKE IT
UNNECESSARY CIVILITY
AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE
AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE
TABLE OF COMPARISON
THE INTELLIGENT CAT
HEAR! HEAR!
MISPLACING THE BLAME
WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH
MORAL QUALIFICATIONS
MEASURING HIS DISTANCE
AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES
THE LATIN FOR COLD
THE CUT DIRECT
COMMON WANT
NOT TO BE BEATEN
AN ODD NOTION
"IF----"
LATE AND EARLY
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE
SHARP BOY
THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH
CREDIT
UNKIND
NOT COMPULSORY
"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"
AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
A DIFFICULT TASK
NON-RUNNERS
THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
A VIOLENT PARTNER
WISDOM
A DOUBTFUL POINT
THE BETTER WAY
A GOOD REASON
A NEW TEXT
AN AUCTION
A REAL SPORT
THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR
----
EVER HEARD THIS?
WHAT HE WANTED
A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a
small boy arrived there too. Said the lover:
"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets."
"I don't want any sweets."
"Well, here's a shilling. Run away."
"I don't want a shilling."
"Then here's half a crown."
"I don't want half a crown."
"Well, what do you want?"
"I want to watch."
HIS CHOICE
A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus
kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his
finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll
have kept."
NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s
tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided
himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?"
CHEAP TALK
Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't
touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or
sworn," he said.
"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously.
"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Jones did."
SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a
lovely part of Scotland.
Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of
Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for
So-and-So's whisky.
The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said,
"I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be
allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement."
"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky."
A CANDID CRITIC
Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached _ex
tempore_, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text
"The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." On his way home he
asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse. "Well, Mr.
Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I
can't say I agree with you; I think there be a God!"
WHAT'S IN A NAME
A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the
cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar,
and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent
scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his
client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever
lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?"
WHY BROWN LEFT
Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a
plate of scraps before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I
says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer
'arf the washin'-up."
AN ASS'S SHADOW
A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very
long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" said the pastor.
"Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the church, and
up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre." "In what shape
did it appear?" replied the priest. "It appeared in the shape of a
great ass." "Go home and say not a word about it," rejoined the pastor;
"you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow."
GRACE
A precocious child found the long graces used by his father before and
after meals very tedious. One day, when the week's provisions had been
delivered, he said, "I think, father, if you were to say grace over the
whole lot at once, it would be a great saving of time."
MISUNDERSTOOD
A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was thus accosted by his
landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent." John replied, "Sir, I
am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."
TRUMPS
Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made one joke in his life; it was
this. Lamb had his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and Martin Burney
and the rest were playing at whist. Ayrton contented himself with
looking on. Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone, the latter
not being notorious for his love of soap and water, "Ah! Martin, if
dirt were trumps, what hands you'd hold!"
THE STUTTERER
An old woman received a letter from the post-office at New York. Not
knowing how to read and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it
to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read
it to her. He accordingly began and read: "Charleston, June 23rd. Dear
Mother"--then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing
was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he
always stuttered!"
PRESENT AND FUTURE
A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit going by him barefoot said,
"Father, you are in a miserable condition if there is not another
world." "True, son," said the hermit, "but what is thy condition if
there is?"
THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
A London girl visited the country on May Day. She came to a pond whose
shallows were full of tadpoles--thousands and thousands of little black
tadpoles flopping about in an inch of mud and water. "Oh," she said,
"look at the tadpoles! And to think that some day every one of the
horrid, wriggling things will be a beautiful butterfly!"
A PASSOVER STORY
A member of an impecunious family having hurried off to the Continent to
avoid the importunities of his creditors, a celebrated wit remarked, "It
is a pass-over that will not be much relished by the Jews."
EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's car.
"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
no illconwenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"
BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you
tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the
piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll
send your lad to my office, I'll return the three and fourpence."
A GOOD PUN
Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing someone imitating his gait,
said, "You have the stalk without the rose."
SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
The late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his
Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." "Not so great a rogue as you, my
lord, t-t-t-takes me to be."
THE UNWELCOME GUEST
A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome
had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention
and politeness for some days. At last his host said, "My friend, I am
afraid thee wilt never visit me again." "Oh, yes, I shall," he replied.
"I have enjoyed my visit very much; I will certainly come again."
"Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit me again." "What
makes you think I shall not come again?" asked the visitor. "If thee
does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again?"
A LOST BALANCE
A celebrated wit coming from a bank which had been obliged to close its
doors, slipped down the steps into the arms of a friend.
"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter.
"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost my balance."
A BAD CROP
After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain: and a country
gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground." "By Jove,
sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have buried three wives."
NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of
the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it
to have over the English, he asserted that two negatives made a thing
more positive than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," said
Thurlow, "your father and mother must have been two complete negatives
to make such a positive fellow as you are!"
JAW-ACHE
"Why, you have never opened your mouth this session," said Sir Thomas
Lethbridge to Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches have made me open
it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning."
HER PROGRAMME
Jane had asked for an evening off to go to her first dance. Returning
at a very early hour, she was asked by her master whether she had
enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, sir," she replied, "I was most insulted."
"How was that, Jane?" "I 'adn't been there very long, sir, when a young
man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full. And I'd
only 'ad two sandwiches."
THE PROUD FATHER
"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat to an old friend he had not
seen for a long time. "You don't mane it?" "Faith, an' it's true. An'
Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy, an' the neighbours say he's the very
picture of me." "Och, niver moind what they say," said Mick. "What's
the harm so long as the child is healthy."
A MIRACLE
An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a perception of the
ridiculous was developed with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, was
asked by a clodhopper to explain the meaning of a miracle. "Walk on a
few paces before me," said his reverence, which having done the peasant
was surprised to feel in the rear a kick, administered with decided
energy. "What did you do that for?" demanded the young man angrily.
"Simply to illustrate my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if you
had not felt it, it would have been a miracle."
KEEPING TIME
A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, how he
should stir the fire without interrupting the music. "Between the bars,"
replied the friend.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked
him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied
Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
hundred and fifty pounds a year."
MOTHER'S JAM POTS
"Willy, why were you not at school yesterday?" asked the teacher.
"Please, mum," answered the absentee, "Muvver made marmalade yesterday
and she sent me to the cemetery."
"What on earth for?"
"To collect some jam pots, mum."
WISDOM
A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church,
although an old fellow above sixty, reproved him on that account, and
asked if he ever read at home? "No," replied the man, "I can't read."
"I dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't know who made you." "Not
I, in troth," said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time,
"Who made you, child?" said the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy.
"Why, look you there," quoth the honest parson. "Are you not ashamed to
hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you,
that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah!" said the countryman. "It is no
wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a
great while, master, sin' I was made."
WHY NOT?
Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across
the Tiber three times before breakfast.
"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"
"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and
get back to the side where his clothes were."
THE OLD FARMER
An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of
recovery.
Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened
his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary,
that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking. I almost think I
could eat a little, if it is cooked."
The reply was, "Thee get on with the dying, that ham is for the
funeral."
ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
In the course of the play one of the characters had to say to a very
plain actor, "My lord, you change countenance"; whereupon a young fellow
in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"
TACT
Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, but he could not sleep.
Presently he called out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, bring
me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty." No reply being vouchsafed him, he
repeated his request after a short interval. And this time received an
abrupt answer, "If you don't be quiet I'll come up to slap you."
Suddenly a thought struck him and still in plaintive voice he cried,
"Mummy, when you come to slap me, bring me a glass of water."
THE RETORT RUDE
A young dude (with a monocle) and very irregular features while
travelling by train was at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy
who was sitting facing him. The boy, however, was obviously laughing at
him so the dude asked him if he could share the joke.
"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm laughing at."
"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"
"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, "but you _could_ stay at
home."
THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker. "Will he draw well?"
asked the buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw." The bargain
was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a
step. He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch." "I did
not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would
please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify
me in that respect."
CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?" "Please, sir," said the
favourite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought
the school-bell was the steamboat-bell." "Very well," said the master,
glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite. "And now, sir," turning to
the other, "what have you to say?" "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
"I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"
THE BEST JUDGE
A lady said to her husband, in a friend's presence:
"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new trousers." "No, I think
not," replied the husband.
"Well," interposed the friend, "I think the lady who always wears them,
ought to know."
A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, to a tram conductor, "if I
put my foot on that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"
"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place your other foot on the overhead
wire."
A SHIPWRECK
An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the captain of a ship near the
coast of Ireland as a qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the coast.
"This is a very dangerous shore here," said the captain to him, when he
was on board. "Yes, it is, your honour," replied the fellow. "There
are a great many dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the
captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, "_this is one
of them,_" coolly returned the fisherman.
A SAFE CASE
A briefless barrister was spending his time at the Courts when his clerk
came to him with the news that a man was at his chambers with a brief.
The barrister immediately hurried from the Courts for fear the client
should escape him. "Stop, sir, stop," cried his clerk. "You needn't
hurry, sir, I've locked him in."
THE WATCH MENDER
A private in a company of engineers gained a certain reputation for
mending his comrades' watches. His reputation reached his captain's
ears, who one day said to him, "Jones, I hear you are clever at
watch-mending, here take this one of mine and see what you can make of
it." Some few days after, Jones took back the watch. "Well, Jones, how
much do I owe you?" "Three shillings," was the reply. "Well, here you
are, and thank you," said the captain. "Oh! I forgot," said Jones,
"here are three wheels which I had over."
THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
"Do people ever take advantage of the invitation to use this church for
meditation and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. "Yes," he replied,
"I catched two of 'em at it the other day!"
HIGH PRINCIPLES
A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was heard one day to say to his
assistant, "John, have you watered the rum?" "Yes." "Have you sanded
the brown sugar?" "Yes." "Have you damped the tobacco?" "Yes." "Then
come in to prayers."
THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
several days, desired to have the bill. Finding a large quantity of
port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it.
"Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for."
"One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop,
master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some
bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."
CANNY SCOT
Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in
America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match,
Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do
believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said
Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."
A NICE DISTINCTION
_The Vicar_ (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put
the small clock on and not the big one?" _Old Man_: "Well, it's like
this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety
year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a _liar_ o' he now; but
li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e."
NOT TWO-FACED
"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been
quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you."
"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified.
"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen
with that one."
CLERICAL WIT
An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The font is at the other
end of the church." "What do I want with the font?" said the old
gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
you had brought this child to be christened."
A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
a villain? "Please, your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to
get a good one."
A GOOD REASON
A certain minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir,"
replied he, "my eyes have not come together these three nights." "What
is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," says he, "because
my nose was between them."
ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
Jones, who was a student of economy, lamented the death of his horse.
His friend sympathised and enquired the cause. "He was a wonderful
horse, and if he had lived another day he would have proved a theory I
have been pursuing." "How is that?" "Well, you see," replied Jones, "I
reckon that it's all nonsense about having to spend so much on a horse's
keep. I started this one with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced
the quantity." "And what did he have yesterday?" "Well, I'd got him
down to one oat."
THE PATRIARCH
Three young fellows were strolling along a country lane, and saw
approaching them a very patriarchal-looking old man. Thinking to take a
rise out of him, they accosted him thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father
Isaac, or Father Jacob." "Nay, my sons," the old man replied, "I am
none of these, but rather Saul seeking his father's asses, and lo! here
have I found them."
HIGH AND LOW
"I expect six clergymen to dine with me on Sunday next," said a
gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they
High Church or Low Church, sir?" "What on earth can that signify to
you?" asked the astonished master. "Everything, sir," was the reply.
"If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll
eat!"
BEER
A gentleman, calling for small beer at another gentleman's table,
finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking.
"What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?" "It is
not to be found fault with," answered the other, "for one should never
speak ill of the dead."
NOT IMPORTUNATE
A lady having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared." "Weel, weel," replied
she, "if ye're dead, I'll no' expect ye."
THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir Nicholas Bacon, who in the time
of Elizabeth was importuned by a criminal to spare his life on account
of kinship.
"How so?" demanded the judge.
"Because my name is Hog and yours is Bacon; and hog and bacon are so
near akin that they cannot be separated."
"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but you and I cannot yet be
kindred--for the hog is not bacon until it be well hanged."
UNION IS STRENGTH
A country traveller was asked by the landlord of the inn at which he had
put up how he had slept. "Well," he replied, "union is strength--a fact
of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for had the fleas been
unanimous last night they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!"
said the landlord, in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single
one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted the traveller,
"they are all married and have uncommonly large families."
COURTSHIP
"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrine
his heart's holiest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," she
answered, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ay,
Martha, but dost thee regard me with the feeling the world calls love?"
"I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly feared that my
heart was an erring one. I have tried to bestow my love on all, but I
have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than
thy share."
TO LET
A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl, who
showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No,"
answered she, "I am to be let alone."
CUT AND COME AGAIN
A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a
charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the
horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he,
"it's whipcord it is!"
THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. On arriving at
the house he enquired:
"What church do you attend?"
"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.
"Why, then, did you not send for your own minister?"
"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would not risk him. Do you no' ken
it's a dangerous case of typhoid?"
KISMET
A lady who had named her house Kismet engaged an Irish servant. Bridget
desiring to know the meaning of Kismet was told it signified "Fate."
Shortly after, Bridget was painfully and laboriously descending the
stairs. "What is the matter?" asked her mistress. "I've got fearful
corns on my Kismet," was the reply.
THE YOUNG IDEA
A small boy, asked to name the four seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt,
mustard, and vinegar." Another, asked for the principal gases, said:
"Oxygen and Cambridgen."
THE NEW BABY
Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a new little brother. "But,
Mummy, he has no hair." "No, Jack, he has no hair." "Mummy, he has no
teeth." "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth now." "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been
had; they have given you an old 'un."
HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
One of the best remembered of Hook's efforts in extemporising is that
recorded of his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter was announced, a
well-known inspector of taxes. Without a moment's break in his
performance Hook went on:--
"Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes, I'd advise you to
give him whatever he axes, I'd advise ye to give him without any
flummery-- For though his name's Winter his actions are
summary."
THE SHE BEAR
A thoughtful child said to her mother on the way to church: "Mummy,
dear! Shall we have that hymn to-day about the she bear?" "I don't
remember any hymn about a she bear, darling," replied the perplexed
mother. "Whatever do you mean, child?" "I mean the hymn that goes, 'Can
a mother's tender care, Cease towards the child she bear?'"
KNOWLEDGE
A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial.
"Do you know what an oath is, my child?" asked the judge.
"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth."
"And what will happen if you tell lies?"
"I shall go to the naughty place," replied the child.
"Are you sure of that?"
"Yes, sir, quite sure."
"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is clear she knows a great deal
more than I do."
A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's library, a subscriber was very
angry because certain books that he had ordered had not been sent. He
was so heated in his indignation that one of the partners could stand it
no longer, and told him so.
"I don't know who you are," was the customer's retort, "and I don't want
to annoy you _personally_, as you may not be the one in fault; it's your
confounded house I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be Saunders; if
you are Saunders, damn Otley! if you are Otley, damn Saunders! I mean
nothing personal to _you_."
THE EARLY BIRD
A father chiding his son for not getting up early, told him as an
inducement, that a certain man being up in good time, found a purse
containing money. "That may be," replied the son, "but he that lost it
was up before him."
TABLE TALK
An ingenious gentleman had been showing at a dinner-table how he could
cut a pig out of orange peel. A guest who was present tried again and
again to do the same, but after strewing the table with the peel of a
dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Why no,"
said the performer, "you have done more--instead of one pig you have
made a litter."
TROUBLES
"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink like this, Pat," said the
village priest, "you that were always such a respectable boy, too."
"Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your 'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have
to dhrink to droun me trubles." "H'm," said his interrogator, "and do
you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure an'
that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!"
A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to
the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better
opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very
vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted
the nettled Scot, "God made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant
acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for
Scotsmen."
DRY HUMOUR
An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman many miles during torrents
of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care
about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour."
THE CHURCH ORGAN
"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy
church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed
to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but
then if thou wilt worship the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to
have a first-rate instrument."
COMMON PRAYER
A little boy had been brought up with much care. On his eighth birthday
he was given a nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. After a brief
examination he pushed the book on one side disappointedly. On being
asked the reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'"
SHORT COMMONS
At a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
"Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."
TRUTH
"My lord," said a witness, "you may believe me or not, but I have stated
not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth from infancy."
"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but the question is, how long have
you been a widower."
A WRONG CHOICE
"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a servant in a complaining voice
to her master.
"It's a pity, Mary," said the master sarcastically, "that I couldn't
have selected a wife to suit you."
"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes."
FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
A visitor at a Devonshire fishing village asked the parson what was the
principal diet of the villagers. "Fish mostly," said the Vicar. "But I
thought fish was a brain food, and these are the most unintelligent folk
I ever saw," remarked the tourist. "Well," replied the parson, "just
think what they would look like if they didn't eat fish!"
A CHARACTER
A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but dishonest gardener. For the
sake of his wife and family he gave him a character, and this is how he
worded it: "I hereby certify that A. Brown has been my gardener for over
two years, and that during that time he got more out of my garden than
any man I ever employed."
HUSBAND OR COW
The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire went to a chemist with two
prescriptions--one for her husband, and the other for her cow. Finding
she had not money to pay for both, the chemist asked her which she would
take. "Gie me that for the coo," said the wife; "if my man were to dee,
I could sune get another; but I am not sae sure if I would sune get
another coo."
A NEW METHOD
It was baking day and mother was very busy with other duties also.
"May," she cried, "see if the cake is done. Put a knife in it and if it
comes out clean you'll know that it is finished." "Yes," added father,
"and if it comes out clean stick the others in too."
GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
"You have saved my life," said the old man whom the young hero had just
pulled out of the river. "As a reward you may marry my daughter there."
The hero glanced at the daughter, then grasped the old man. "What are
you doing?" asked the perplexed father. "Going to drop you in again,"
he replied.
ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' ears,
"Farewell," said one, "there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he
carried so much of mine," said another. One hearing them make their
several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry
nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of
other men's."
COLD FEET
"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the doctor asked the young wife.
"Yes," she replied.
He promised to send her some medicine to take.
"Oh," she said nervously. "They're--not--not mine."
BUSYBODIES
A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
sir." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes,"
said Tom. "What are you doing?" "Helping Will, sir."
ALDERMANIC TASTES
_Freddy_: "Papa, may I study elocution?"
_Proud Father_: "Indeed you may, my boy, if you wish. You desire to
become a great orator, do you?"
"Yes, that's it."
"And some day perhaps have your voice ringing in the vaulted chamber of
the first legislative assembly in the world?"
"I shouldn't care for that. I want to be an after-dinner speaker."
"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?"
"No--I want the dinners."
"WARRANTED TO KILL"
An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching a village in an irritated
condition proceeded to the general shop with a request for a certain
useful powder. The shopkeeper expressed his ability to supply her need
either in packet form or loose. "Don't you worry about no packet, young
man," she said. "Jest pour it down here," indicating her open collar.
PROFESSIONAL
An editor being asked at dinner if he would take some pudding, replied,
in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are
unable to find room for it."
THE NEW VERSION
A class of boys were undergoing an examination in Scripture. The
subject was the Good Samaritan. "And why do you consider the Pharisee,
after looking at him, passed by on the other side?" "Because he saw he
had been robbed already," was the answer given.
DRAUGHTS
A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts that the air of his courts
was always of a very high temperature. One of his colleagues once
explained this habit by saying that he was preparing the bar for a
future state.
TENDERNESS
A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy,
limping gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability; on which
the mendicant said, "Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish your heart
were as tender as your toes."
HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
Little May was going to tea, and her mother was giving her some words of
advice. "There will be a Bishop, dear; remember always to address him as
My Lord when you speak."
During the afternoon the Bishop approached May, and, patting her on the
head, said, "Well, little girl, how old are you?"
The Bishop's surprise was great when she replied, "My God, I'm eight."
HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
One of the best known of Hook's puns was uttered to a visitor to his
house at Fulham. The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said that he had
heard that it was a good investment, and turning to his host asked if
that was really so. "I really don't know," was the answer, "but you
have only to cross it and you will certainly be tolled."
A GOOD EXAMPLE
A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his congregation how kind and
respectful we ought to be towards each other, and added, that in this
respect we were greatly inferior to animals. To prove this, he
mentioned as an example the circumstance of two goats, which met one
another upon a narrow plank across a river, so that they could not pass
by without one thrusting the other off, "Now, how do you think they did?
Why, I'll tell you. One lay down, and let the other leap over him. Ah,
my beloved, let us live like goats."
A MISFIT
_Assistant_: "Do the shoes fit, madam?"
_Madam_: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but they hurt me terribly when
I try to walk."
A CHEERFUL INVITATION
An odd instance of the force of technical training is afforded by a
story of one of the official attendants at a funeral. Having been
charged with a message from a relative of the departed to another guest,
he came across the room, and translating it into his own language, said,
"If you please, sir, the corpse's brother would be happy to take wine
with you."
THE INEVITABLE RESULT
The fervent temperance orator stopped in the midst of his speech, and
said, impressively: "I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the sea."
Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!" "Ah, there speaks a noble teetotaller!"
"Not at all, I'm a diver."
JUSTICE
An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for theft, was being comforted by
his priest. "Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy. Take my word for it,
you'll get justice." "Troth, yer riverence," replied Dennis in an
undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of."
THAT AWFUL CHILD
"What does God have for His dinner, mother?" asked Willy.
"Sh-h. You must not ask such questions. God does not need any dinner."
"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea."
A COSMOPOLITAN
Speaking of the different languages of Europe, a professor thus
described them: "The French is the best language to speak to one's
friend; the Italian to one's mistress; the English to the people; the
Spanish to God, and the German to a horse."
CLOTHES AND THE MAN
_Debt Collector_: "Is your master at home?"
_Servant_ (curtly): "No, he isn't."
_Debt Collector_ (suspiciously): "But I can see his hat hanging up in
the hall."
_Servant_: "Well, what's that got to do with it? One of my dresses is
hanging on the line in the back garden, but I'm not there!"
A WITTY REPLY
One day a celebrated advocate was arguing before a very stupid and very
rude Scotch judge who, to express his contempt of what he was saying,
pointed with one forefinger to one of his ears, and with the other to
the opposite one.
"You see this, Mr. ----?"
"I do, my lord," said the advocate.
"Well, it just goes in here and comes out there!" and his lordship
smiled with the hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually said a
good thing.
"I do not doubt it, my lord. What is there to prevent it?"
THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
An old inhabitant of Kilmarnock had taken more whiskey than was good for
him. On his way home, feeling very tired, he lay down in the churchyard
for a rest, with his head against a tombstone. He was suddenly aroused
from his sleep by the blast of a trumpet. He woke in a fright, thinking
the end of the world had come, but when he found himself alone,
exclaimed, "Well, this is a poor show for Kilmarnock."
GRAMMAR
A waggish curate overheard the schoolmaster giving lessons in grammar.
"You cannot place a, the singular article," said the preceptor, "before
plural nouns. No one can say _a_ pigs, _a_ women, _a_----" "Nonsense,"
cried the curate, "the prayerbook teaches us to say _a_-men."
ONE SIDE AT A TIME
A juryman asked to be excused as he was deaf in one ear. "I don't think
that matters," said the judge; "let him be sworn, we only hear one side
of a case at a time."
COMPANY
"Bridget, I don't think it looks well for you to entertain company in
the kitchen the way you do," said the young mistress.
"Thanks, mum," replied the cook; "but I wouldn't like t' take him int'
th' parlour--he spits t'baccy."
HER OWN FAULT
_Mistress_: "Mary, don't let me catch you kissing the grocer's boy
again."
_Mary_: "Lor', mum, I don't mean to, but you do bob around so."
A POSER
A new sentry was on guard outside the residence of a general; a small
green was in front of the house and the strict orders were that no one
was to cross it, human or otherwise, save the General's cow. An old
lady coming to visit, bent her steps across the lawn as a short cut, but
was called on by the sentry asking her to return. She was not
unnaturally somewhat put out and said, with a stately air, "But do you
know who I am?" "I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable
sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the General's cow!"
YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
A youth asked permission of his mother to go to a ball. She told him it
was a bad place for little boys. "Why, mother, didn't you and father
use to go to balls when you were young?" "Yes, but we have seen the
folly of it," said the mother. "Well, mother," exclaimed the son, "I
want to see the folly of it too!"
ABOVE PROOF
An East-India Governor having died abroad his body was put in spirit, to
preserve it for internment in England. A sailor on board the ship being
frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the
ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared
very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain
resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from
whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why,
please your honour, I tapped the Governor."
ON DEATH
Two recruits were discussing the Great War and the possible date of
their being sent to the front. Said one to the other, "I wouldn't mind
getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so d----d permanent."
ENVY
A drunken man was found by the roadside in the suburbs of Dublin, lying
on his face, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is
dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!"
replied another, who had perceived him to be merely intoxicated; "by the
powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"
A HAT FOR NOTHING
An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which
fifteen shillings were demanded. He offered twelve shillings. "As I
live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford to give it thee at that price."
"As you live!" exclaimed the countryman, "then live more moderately, and
be hanged to you." "Friend," said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat
for nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, and my 'As I live'
trick has never been found out till now."
AN OLD PROVERB
A Chinaman was much worried by a vicious-looking dog which barked at him
in an angry manner. "Don't be afraid of him," said a friend. "You know
the old proverb: 'A barking dog never bites.'"
"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know proverb, I know proverb, but does
d--n dog know proverb?"
PRO BONO PUBLICO
It was just before the opening of the Academy and Swiper was growling as
usual.
"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd never paint again."
"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor, "I wish I had one. I'd give it
to you!"
A NEW RECIPE
At one of the meetings of a literary club a dish of peas was brought in,
become almost grey with age. "You ought to carry these peas to
Kensington," said one of the party. "Why?" asked another. "Because it's
the way to Turn 'em Green."
Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and made a note of the joke. The
next evening, dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of yellow peas
on the table. "These ought to be sent to Kensington," he said. "Why?"
he was asked. "Because that's the way to make them green," he replied.
NOT A WAXWORK
A farmer once took his son into an Assize Court. The lad gaped with
open mouth at the resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in scarlet
and ermine. Suddenly the judge made a sign to the usher, and the lad
exclaimed, "Why, father, it's alive. I thought he were a waxwork."
THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
_Mike_: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day. I had the last word with a
woman."
_Ike_: "That so? How'd it occur?"
_Mike_: "Coming home on the car I said, 'Won't you have my seat,
madam?'"
TIPS
A foreign lord, who resided for a time in England, had his own way of
dealing with the question of tips. When his friends, who had dined with
him, were going away, he always attended them to the door; and if they
offered any money to the servant who opened it (for he never suffered
but one servant to appear), he always prevented them, saying, in his
manner of speaking English, "If you do give it, give it to me, for it
was I that did buy the dinner."
JUSTICE
At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a Dutchman and his companion
who went into Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch. They were
surprised at being charged nine dollars! The Dutchman began to swear.
"Don't you swear," said the other, "God has already punished Delmonico.
I have got my pocket full of his spoons."
DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended
second marriage was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." "But your
first wife has only been dead a week, Pat," said the landlord. "An'
shure," retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever will be, yer
honner."
FAITH
A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a candidate for a vacant see in
the gift of the Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to present his
application. Said the Chancellor, "What influence do you possess?"
"None," said the candidate, "except faith. You will remember, my lord,
that, if thou have faith, and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast
into the sea, verily it shall be done." Said the Chancellor, "Brother
Mountain, go into that see."
JOB'S CURSE