INTRODUCTIONS
There are ceremonious introductions and unceremonious introductions,
premeditated introductions and unpremeditated introductions; but, in all
cases, introductions should never be indiscriminately made--that is to
say, without a previous knowledge on the part of those making them as to
whether the persons thus introduced will be likely to appreciate each
other, or the reverse, or unless they have expressed a desire to become
acquainted. For instance, a lady should not introduce two of her
acquaintances residing in a country town or watering-place, moving in
different circles, unless they have each expressed such a desire.
=An Undesired Introduction=, if made, compels the one to whom it is the
most unwelcome, to treat the other with marked coldness, or to continue
an acquaintance that is distasteful.
Should the slightest doubt exist as to how an introduction will be
received--whether the meditated introduction is a spontaneous desire on
the part of a lady or gentleman, or whether one person expressed a wish
to make the acquaintance of another person and expressed that wish to a
mutual friend--the received rule is to consult the wishes of both
persons on the subject before making the introduction.
=When a Difference of Rank= exists between two persons, it would be
sufficient to ascertain the wishes of the person of highest rank alone.
A person about to make an introduction, should say to the one lady, but
not in the hearing of the other, "Mrs. A----, may I introduce Mrs. B----
to you?" or some such formula, according to the degree of intimacy
existing between herself and Mrs. A. (See "The Art of Conversing.")
When two ladies are of equal rank, the wishes of the person with whom
the person making the introduction is least intimate should be
consulted.
In the case of one person having expressed a wish to make the
acquaintance of another, there remains but the wishes of one person to
ascertain.
Acquiescence having been given, the introduction should be made.
In making an introduction, the lady of lowest rank should be introduced
to the lady of highest rank; in no case should the lady of highest rank
be introduced to the lady of lowest rank. This point of etiquette should
always be strictly observed.
=A Gentleman should always be introduced to a Lady=, whatever his rank
may be, without reference to her rank, whatever it may be. This rule is
invariable, and is based upon the privilege of the sex--"_place aux
dames_."
It is not usual to ascertain a gentleman's wishes as to whether he will
be introduced to a lady or not, although at a ball it is usual to do so
when the introduction is made for a special object, viz., that of
obtaining a partner for a lady; and as a gentleman may be either unable
or unwilling to ask the lady to dance, it is incumbent to ascertain
beforehand whether the introduction is desired or not, otherwise the
introduction would be of no avail for the purpose, and prove a
disappointment to the lady.
"Would you like to be introduced to Miss A----?" or some such polite
phrase (see "The Art of Conversing"), is the sort of formula by which to
ascertain a gentleman's wishes as to an introduction in the ball-room;
as ball-room introductions are understood to mean an intention on the
part of a gentleman to ask a lady to dance or to take her in to supper.
In general society, gentlemen are supposed to seek, rather than to avoid
the acquaintance of ladies, irrespective of whatever sets in society to
which they belong. It is immaterial to a gentleman in which set in
society his acquaintances move, and he can be polite to all without
offending any in their several circles.
With regard to his own sex a gentleman is generally as exclusive as to
the acquaintanceships which he forms, as is a lady with regard to the
acquaintanceships which she forms. Reciprocity of taste is the basis on
which acquaintanceships between men are established, subject, in a
certain measure, to social position; though this rule is itself subject
to wide exceptions.
It is the rule for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend, or an
acquaintance, for an introduction to a lady, and it is the received rule
to do so when a gentleman desires to be introduced to any lady in
particular; but gentlemen do not ask to be introduced to each other,
unless some special reason exists for so doing--some reason that would
commend itself to the person whose acquaintance was desired, as well as
to the person making the introduction; otherwise, such a wish would
appear to be either puerile or sycophantic, thus the request might meet
with a refusal, and the proffered acquaintanceship be declined.
=When Introductions are made between Ladies=, an unmarried lady should
be introduced to a married lady, unless the unmarried lady is of a
higher rank than the married lady, when the rule is reversed.
The correct formula in use when making introductions is "Mrs. X----,
Lady Z.," thus mentioning the name of the lady of lowest rank first, as
she is the person introduced to the lady of highest rank. "Mrs. X----,
Lady Z.," is all that need be said on the occasion by the person making
the introduction. When the ladies are of equal rank it is immaterial
which name is mentioned first; but there generally exists sufficient
difference in the social position of the two ladies to give a slight
distinction in favour of the one or of the other, which the person
making the introduction should take into consideration.
When the introduction has been made, the ladies should bow to each
other, and either lady should make a slight remark.
It is not usual for ladies on being first introduced to each other to
shake hands, but only to bow; but there are very many exceptions to this
rule.
When one lady is of higher rank than the other, should she offer to
shake hands, it would be a compliment and a mark of friendliness on her
part.
When a person introduces two intimate friends of his or hers to each
other, they would be expected to shake hands, instead of bowing only.
The relations of an engaged couple should, on being introduced, shake
hands with both bride and bridegroom elect, as should the intimate
friends of an engaged couple; as also should the relations of the two
families on being introduced to each other.
It is the privilege of the lady to be the first to offer to shake hands,
in every case, when a gentleman is introduced to her.
A lady should shake hands with every one introduced to her in her own
house--that is to say, whether the person is brought by a mutual friend,
or is present by invitation obtained through a mutual friend.
=At Dinner-parties=, both small and large, the hostess should use her
own discretion as to the introductions she thinks proper to make. It is
not customary to make general introductions at a dinner-party; but in
sending guests down to dinner, who are strangers to each other, the host
or hostess should introduce the gentleman to the lady whom he is to take
down to dinner. It would be quite unnecessary to ask the lady's
permission before doing so. It would be sufficient to make the
introduction a few moments before dinner was announced, and the usual
formula is, "Mrs. A., Mr. B. will take you in to dinner." A bow is the
recognition of this introduction.
When the majority at a dinner-party are strangers to each other, a host
or hostess should introduce one or two of the principal guests to each
other, when time allows of its being done before dinner is served; such
introductions are oftener made at country dinner-parties than at town
dinner-parties.
A hostess should, in some instances, introduce ladies to each other in
the drawing-room after dinner if the opportunity offers, and she
considers it advisable to do so.
As a rule, a host seldom introduces gentlemen to each other in the
dining-room after dinner, as they address each other as a matter of
course on such occasions.
A hostess should introduce her principal guests to each other, at
five-o'clock teas, garden-parties, small "at homes," etc.--that is to
say, gentlemen to ladies--for the purpose of their taking the ladies to
the tea-room. In this case also, the introduction should be made without
previously consulting the lady; and a gentleman, knowing the reason of
the introduction, should at once proffer the expected civility.
At these gatherings a hostess should use her own discretion as to any
general introductions she thinks proper to make, and should introduce
any gentleman to any lady without previously consulting the lady if she
thinks the introduction will prove agreeable to her.
When introducing ladies to each other, she should give married ladies,
and ladies of rank, the option of the introduction; but should
introduce young unmarried ladies to each other if she thinks proper.
=When Callers arrive simultaneously=, the hostess should introduce them
directly or indirectly to each other, if there is no social reason to
the contrary.
When a hostess is aware that her visitors do not desire each other's
acquaintanceship, or, if she considers that the introduction is not
altogether a suitable one, agreeable to both persons, she should not
make it, but converse with each visitor in turn, at the same time not
allowing the conversation to become too general.
At large gatherings, persons desirous of avoiding each other's
acquaintanceship, could be present at the house of a mutual acquaintance
without coming into direct contact with one another, providing the host
and hostess possessed sufficient tact and discretion not to attempt to
effect a _rapprochement_ between them.
=At Country-house Parties=, the hostess should introduce the principal
ladies to one another on the first day of their arrival; but if it is a
large party, introductions should not be generally made, but should be
made according to the judgment of the hostess. The fact of persons being
guests in the same house constitutes in itself an introduction, and it
rests with the guests thus brought together whether the acquaintanceship
ripens into subsequent intimacy or not.
The same remark applies in a degree to afternoon teas and "at homes."
The guests converse with each other if inclined to do so. The act of so
conversing would not constitute an acquaintanceship, although it might,
under some circumstances, establish a bowing acquaintanceship,
especially between gentlemen.
Ladies should not bow to each other after only exchanging a few remarks
at afternoon tea, or at a garden-party, unless there were some
particular social link between them to warrant their so doing, in which
case the lady of highest rank should take the initiative.
=Introductions at Public Balls.=--It is erroneous to suppose that it is
the duty of stewards to make introductions at public balls; it is the
exception, and not the rule, for stewards to introduce persons to each
other who are strangers to themselves.
Society objects, and the stewards object, to making promiscuous
introductions, on the following grounds: first, as regards the chaperon,
whether mother or relative, who has the charge of a young lady; then as
regards a young lady herself; and last, but not least, as regards the
position occupied by the steward himself. A chaperon naturally looks and
feels displeased when a steward who is a stranger to herself offers to
introduce a man who is evidently a stranger to him, which fact she
gathers by his saying, "This gentleman wishes to be introduced to your
daughter," or by his asking the stranger his name before making the
introduction. A chaperon is responsible for the acquaintances a young
lady forms while under her charge at a ball, and if amongst her own
friends and acquaintances she cannot find partners for her, she would
prefer that she spent a comparatively dull evening than that she should
run the risk of forming undesirable acquaintances.
Young ladies have not always the discretion possessed by their elders,
or sufficient knowledge of the world to do the right thing. Thus, some
young ladies would either coldly decline the introductions, or if the
introductions were made, would as coldly decline to dance, whilst
others, anxious to dance, would accept both the introductions and the
partners, and take their chance as to whether their brothers would like
to see them dancing with strangers thus introduced. A steward himself
particularly dislikes to be made responsible for a man he does not know;
and whether a chaperon and a young lady are old friends of his, or
whether they are merely new acquaintances, they equally trust to his
not introducing men to them whom they would not care to know, and of
whom he knows nothing save that they have solicited an introduction to
them.
Very few stewards care to accost a lady whom they merely know by sight
and by name for the purpose of introducing a stranger; they prefer to
decline to make the introduction, on the plea of not having the honour
of the lady's acquaintance.
Stewards consider that the position of a young man must be a peculiar
one, and his presence at a ball somewhat of an anomaly, if he does not
possess an acquaintance in the room, through whom he can become known to
one or other of the stewards, or through whom he can be introduced to
any particular lady with whom he may desire to dance.
When a gentleman is introduced to a young lady at a public ball, it
generally means that he is introduced to her as a partner, and that
though he may not ask her for the next dance, he will for a subsequent
one, or that he will at least offer to take her in to supper, or, if
earlier in the evening, to give her some tea, or if she declines these
civilities, that he will continue a conversation with her until the next
dance commences, or until a dance is over. When a gentleman does neither
of these things, but walks away as soon as the introduction is made, it
is a proof how little he desired it, and that doubtless the option was
not given him of refusing it.
Good-natured friends of both sexes know how difficult it is to get
partners for well-dressed, well-mannered, good-looking girls at a ball,
unless they are more than ordinarily attractive in some way or other, in
which case they are popular and sought after, and the only difficulty
rests with the young ladies themselves as to how they shall best
apportion the dances so as to satisfy their numerous partners, or
persuade their chaperons to stay for one more dance which they have
promised to, etc.
It is a well-known fact in the ball-going world that the majority of
young men insist upon being introduced to the most popular girls in a
ball-room, and refuse being introduced to one who does not appear to
have plenty of partners.
Public balls are in reality made up of a number of small parties and
different sets, each set or party being entirely independent of the
other.
At county balls the county people take large house-parties, and each
house-party does or does not mingle with other house-parties, according
to standing or inclination.
If three large house-parties join forces at a ball they form a very
imposing majority; but there are other sets in the same ball-room,
dancing to the same band and adjourning to the same supper-room, equally
apart and equally distinct.
At balls held at watering-places, although the residents do not take
large house-parties, yet they join forces with those residents with whom
they are acquainted, reinforced by friends who come down purposely to be
present at the ball. Thus, on the face of it, a steward's introductions
cannot fail to be ill-received, in whatever set he may be coerced into
making them; and it is well understood that introductions, to prove
acceptable, should only be made through friends and acquaintances, and
even then with tact and judgment.
As the stewards of a ball are usually the most influential gentlemen in
the place, it naturally follows that they are acquainted with many, if
not with all, of the principal people present, therefore when they make
introductions it is not by virtue of their office, but simply as a
matter of friendship, and through being personally acquainted with those
introduced by them.
Introductions out of doors are rather a matter of inclination than not,
as, for instance, when a lady is walking with another lady to whom she
is on a visit she should introduce any friends to her hostess she might
happen to meet, and her hostess should do likewise if time and
opportunity offer for so doing; should any reason exist for not making
an introduction on the part of either lady, it should be explained when
they are again alone, as were either of the ladies to exclude the other
from the conversation it would be considered discourteous towards the
one excluded. When two ladies accidentally meet when out walking, and
are subsequently joined by two or more ladies, introductions should not
be made by either of the ladies, unless some special reason exists for
so doing. A lady, as a rule, should not introduce gentlemen to each
other unless one of them is her host, when it would be correct to do so.
=How to act on the Occasion of an Introduction= is determined almost
entirely upon the reason for its being made, and by whom and to whom the
person is introduced. Even the _locale_ has something to do with it, and
thus a variety of issues are raised, upon which an instantaneous
judgment has to be given. The mind has to travel with lightning rapidity
over the ground to arrive at a correct course of action; but the mind
does not always respond to the call made upon it: it hesitates, and acts
not upon the outcome of reflection, but upon the spur of the moment.
=The Received Rule is not to shake hands=, but merely to bow on being
introduced; but this rule under certain circumstances would not meet the
case; it would disappoint the one introducing and the one introduced.
For instance if a relative of the former is the person introduced a bow
would be a very chilling response to the introduction made; to shake
hands, on the contrary, would be the correct thing to do, and both
persons should offer at the same moment this cordial recognition. On the
other hand, if a casual introduction is made without any premeditation,
and those introduced are totally unknown to each other, an exchange of
bows is all that is required of them.
=Amongst the Exceptions for not merely bowing= on being introduced are
the introductions made between young ladies and elderly ones, and
between young ladies themselves. An elderly lady, as a general rule,
shakes hands with a girl introduced to her with the idea of being
cordial and kind, not to say condescending, and girls generally shake
hands with each other in place of bowing, as acquaintanceships formed by
them have not the importance that attaches to those of older ladies;
besides, a greater readiness to make friends is the privilege and
characteristic of youth.
=Men take very much the Same View= as regards introductions as do
women--that is to say, if an introduction is made by a relative of the
man introduced, the men would shake hands and not merely bow. This holds
equally good where intimate friends are concerned: they almost rank on
the footing of relations, and a cordial reception is given to an
introduction thus made. When casual introductions are made of necessity
rather than of intention men do not shake hands. When "I think you have
met A." or "I think you know Mr. A." is said--the one by a host and the
other by a hostess--nothing further is required from either than a bow
and a smile of acquiescence accepting the introduction and a disclaimer
is not expected if "Mr. A." is not actually known. The uncertainty is an
excuse for making the introduction.
=Ladies do not rise from their Seats on being introduced either at an
"At Home"= or before dinner is announced, or after dinner, or when
calling when people are introduced to them, or when they themselves are
introduced. Half an exception occurs, it is true, at crowded "at homes,"
when to rise and talk to the lady introduced is almost a necessity:
there is no vacant seat for her to take, and, therefore, if both do not
stand, conversation is at a deadlock, as the few first conventional
remarks made by either are lost in the general buzz going on around;
also, it is awkward and ungraceful for a lady to bend over one seated
for the purpose of saying a few platitudes. "Introductory remarks," or
remarks following upon introductions, have too often a melancholy ring
of commonplaceness about them and are distinctly trite. How can they be
otherwise? To venture out of the commonplace into originality would be
suspicious of eccentricity, and no one wishes to be considered a little
odd.
=Before and after Dinner, when Introductions are made= between ladies it
is to those seated near to each other, and, therefore, there would be no
occasion to rise, as there might be at an "at home." There is no
question of a lady rising from her seat when a man is introduced to her,
unless that man is her host, when she should rise and shake hands with
him, or a clerical dignity--a bishop for instance, if opportunity allows
of it, and on a semi-official occasion. This question does not trouble
men, as they are usually found standing, or they are brought up to a
person to be introduced, and even if a man ventures upon sitting down at
an "at home," or before dinner is announced, he springs to his feet with
alacrity when any approach is made in the matter of introducing him to a
fellow guest.
=Introductions often have to be made at Afternoon Calls=, supposing that
two or three callers only are present and the hostess feels that she
must render the talk general by making some kind of introduction, direct
or indirect, as she thinks best. The ladies thus introduced remain
seated and bow. They do not shake hands even under the exceptional
conditions previously referred to, but they would at once join in the
talk that passes for conversation, and on departure would shake hands
with the relative in question after having shaken hands with the hostess
and having expressed pleasure at meeting this near relative--mother or
sister, or whoever she may happen to be.
=Introductions between Callers= made under enforced circumstances have
not much bearing on future acquaintance. Those introduced pass so short
a time in each other's company, and know practically nothing of each
other's surroundings, that they are uncertain whether at future meetings
they ought to recollect that such introductions have taken place, and
whether they should bow or forget. Actually it would be correct to bow
if the opportunity is given so to do, but unless the wish to bestow
recognition is mutual it is of little avail if grudgingly given, and it
would be worse still were it withheld. Some people have short memories
for faces, and others are short-sighted, and both these drawbacks have
to be reckoned with when expecting recognition from a person to whom one
has been thus introduced.