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MANNERS AND RULES
OF
GOOD SOCIETY
MANNERS AND RULES
OF
GOOD SOCIETY
_OR SOLECISMS TO BE AVOIDED_
BY A MEMBER
OF THE ARISTOCRACY
THIRTY-NINTH EDITION
[Device]
LONDON
FREDERICK WARNE AND CO.
AND NEW YORK
1918
(_All rights reserved_)
PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN
PREFACE
"Manners and Rules of Good Society" contains all the information
comprised in the original work, "Manners and Tone of Good Society," but
with considerable additions. In a volume of this nature it is necessary
to make constant revisions, and this is periodically done to keep it up
to date, that it may be depended upon as being not only the most
reliable, but also the _newest book of etiquette_.
A comparison of the number of chapters and their subjects with those of
the early editions would best demonstrate how the work has grown, not
merely in bulk, but in importance also. This extension has allowed many
subjects to be more exhaustively treated than heretofore, and it now
includes every rule and point that could possibly be comprehended in its
title.
The work throughout its many editions has commended itself to the
attention of thousands of readers, and it is hoped the present edition
will be received by society in general with the marked success of its
predecessors.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS ix
I. THE MEANING OF ETIQUETTE 1
II. INTRODUCTIONS 6
III. LEAVING CARDS 19
IV. PAYING CALLS 32
V. PRECEDENCY 44
VI. THE COLLOQUIAL APPLICATION OF TITLES 53
VII. POINTS OF ETIQUETTE AS REGARDS ROYAL PERSONAGES 61
VIII. POINTS OF ETIQUETTE WHEN TRAVELLING ABROAD, AND
PRESENTATIONS AT FOREIGN COURTS 65
IX. THE RECEIVED MODE OF PRONOUNCING CERTAIN SURNAMES 68
X. PRESENTATIONS AT COURTS AND ATTENDING COURTS 73
XI. PRESENTATIONS AT LEVEES AND ATTENDING LEVEES 82
XII. BALLS AND STATE BALLS 87
XIII. DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT 99
XIV. DINNER-TABLE ETIQUETTE 116
XV. EVENING PARTIES 122
XVI. WEDDINGS AND WEDDING LUNCHEONS 128
XVII. WEDDING RECEPTIONS 143
XVIII. WEDDING EXPENSES 146
XIX. AFTERNOON "AT HOMES" 151
XX. "AT HOME" DAYS 159
XXI. COLONIAL ETIQUETTE 161
XXII. INDIAN ETIQUETTE 164
XXIII. GARDEN-PARTIES 166
XXIV. TOWN GARDEN-PARTIES 171
XXV. EVENING GARDEN-PARTIES 174
XXVI. LUNCHEONS 176
XXVII. BREAKFASTS 183
XXVIII. PICNICS AND WATER-PARTIES 186
XXIX. JUVENILE PARTIES 190
XXX. WRITTEN INVITATIONS 195
XXXI. REFUSING INVITATIONS 200
XXXII. WALKING, DRIVING, AND RIDING 202
XXXIII. BOWING 206
XXXIV. THE COCKADE 209
XXXV. COUNTRY-HOUSE VISITS 211
XXXVI. HUNTING AND SHOOTING 219
XXXVII. SHAKING HANDS 225
XXXVIII. CHAPERONS AND DEBUTANTES 228
XXXIX. PRESENTATIONS AT THE VICEREGAL COURT, DUBLIN CASTLE 229
XL. HOSTESSES 234
XLI. THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LADY PATRONESSES OF PUBLIC
BALLS 239
XLII. PERIODS OF MOURNING 242
XLIII. ENGAGED 250
XLIV. SILVER WEDDINGS 253
XLV. SUBSCRIPTION DANCES 256
XLVI. GIVING PRESENTS 259
XLVII. CHRISTENING PARTIES 261
INDEX 265
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS
The title of this work sufficiently indicates the nature of its
contents. The Usages of Good Society relate not only to good manners and
to good breeding, but also to the proper etiquette to be observed on
every occasion.
Not only are certain rules laid down, and minutely explained, but the
most comprehensive instructions are given in each chapter respecting
every form or phase of the subject under discussion that it may be
clearly understood what _is_ done, or what is _not_ done, in good
society, and also how what _is_ done in good society should be done. It
is precisely this knowledge that gives to men and women the
consciousness of feeling thoroughly at ease in whatever sphere they may
happen to move, and causes them to be considered well bred by all with
whom they may come in contact.
A solecism may be perhaps in itself but a trifling matter, but in the
eyes of society at large it assumes proportions of a magnified aspect,
and reflects most disadvantageously upon the one by whom it is
committed; the direct inference being, that to be guilty of a solecism
argues the offender to be unused to society, and consequently not on an
equal footing with it. This society resents, and is not slow in making
its disapproval felt by its demeanour towards the offender.
Tact and innate refinement, though of the greatest assistance to one
unused to society, do not suffice of themselves; and although counting
for much, cannot supply the want of the actual knowledge of what is
customary in society. Where tact and innate refinement do not exist--and
this is not seldom the case, as they are gifts bestowed upon the few
rather than upon the many--then a thorough acquaintance with the social
observances in force in society becomes more than ever necessary, and
especially to those who, socially speaking, are desirous of making their
way in the world.
Those individuals who have led secluded or isolated lives, or who have
hitherto moved in other spheres than those wherein well-bred people
move, will gather all the information necessary from these pages to
render them thoroughly conversant with the manners and amenities of
society.
This work will be found of equal service to both men and women, as in
each chapter the points of social etiquette to be observed by both sexes
have been fully considered.
Those having the charge of young ladies previous to their introduction
into society, either mothers, chaperons, or governesses, will also
derive much useful and practical information from the perusal of this
work, while to those thoroughly versed in the usages of society it
cannot fail to commend itself, containing as it does many useful and
valuable hints on social questions.
MANNERS AND RULES OF GOOD SOCIETY
CHAPTER I
THE MEANING OF ETIQUETTE
What is etiquette, and what does the word convey? It is a poor one in
itself, and falls very far short of its wide application. It has an
old-fashioned ring about it, savouring of stiffness, primness, and
punctiliousness, which renders it distasteful to many possessing
advanced ideas; and yet the word etiquette is not so very old either, as
Johnson did not include it in his dictionary, and Walker apologises for
introducing it into his, and according to the authorities he quotes, it
is supposed to be derived from stichos, stichus, stichetus, sticketta,
and from thence to etiquette. But whether derived from the Latin or the
French--and many incline to the latter opinion--there is no doubt that
could a new word be found to replace this much abused one, it would be a
welcome addition to our vocabulary. The word has unfortunately become
associated in our minds with forms, ceremonies, and observances, in an
exaggerated degree; and it has been so constantly misused and
misinterpreted and misunderstood that ridicule and contempt have been
most unjustly and unfairly thrown upon it. The true meaning of
etiquette can hardly be described in dictionary parlance; it embraces
the whole gamut of good manners, good breeding, and true politeness. One
of the reasons which have no doubt contributed to bring the word
"etiquette" into disrepute, is the manner in which the subject has been
handled by incompetent people, who, having but a very hazy and obscure
knowledge, if any knowledge at all, yet profess to write guides to
polite manners--rambling and incoherent guides, which not only provoke a
smile from those better informed, but mislead and bewilder any one rash
enough to consult them, without previous inquiry as to whether they are
safe to follow. A little caution on this head would insure the most
correct and reliable work being secured amongst so much that is
unreliable. Some people read everything that is written on the subject
of etiquette, not only those who are ignorant and wish to learn
something of its laws, but those who are thoroughly well versed in them
and who, one might suppose, had nothing to learn; still these latter
like to see what is written, to feel the satisfaction of being supported
in their own knowledge by a well-informed writer; or of finding
amusement in the absurdities gravely advanced by some one writing from
another sphere than that where _savoir vivre_ reigns. Others attach a
very narrow meaning to the word etiquette, and neither accept it nor
understand it in its true sense; they have an idea that its rules
influence and govern society in general. Rules of etiquette are from
their point of view but trammels and shackles; let them be cast off or
burst through, say they; let every one do as he likes; let all behave as
they like; we are in a free country, why should we not wipe our mouths
upon the table-cloth if we please? Others again, devour books of
etiquette on the quiet; they are very much in want of instruction as
every one knows, but they have not the courage to confess that they are
awake of this want, and are trying to pick up some knowledge of this
kind to be useful to them; as their aim is to rise in the social scale,
they would not let their friends know for worlds about this new study,
but they know it, and find that they have improved, that they do not
commit as many _gaucheries_ as heretofore; still, they have caught the
letter rather than the spirit of etiquette, they have read the rules it
prescribes, and act up to them as far as their memories serve them; but
they have failed in one essential particular of understanding that
courtesy, consideration towards others, and unselfishness, are the
sources of true politeness from which etiquette springs.
There is an idea amongst some few people who have mixed little in the
world, and moved but in one fixed groove, that the more exalted the
sphere, the more perfect the manners. It is needless to attempt to
refute such a fallacy as this, for examples of the most perfect manner
are to be met with not only amongst those who can boast of long lineage
and high birth, but also amongst those who lay claim to neither.
Our present code of etiquette is constructed upon the refinement,
polish, and culture of years, of centuries. Wealth and luxury, and
contact with all that is beautiful in art and nature, have in all ages
exercised a powerful influence on the manners of men; we do not say on
the times, as unfortunately these advantages did not reach down to the
many but were confined to the strictly few; but in these modern days the
many have come, and still come, within the charmed circle; the ring
broadens, ever widens; it is not now as in olden days that "their lot
forbade." On the contrary, the possession of wealth or of talent is the
open sesame to the most refined and cultured circles. The word etiquette
is too narrow for all it embraces; it must be viewed in a double light,
and be taken from a moral point as well as from a conventional one. A
kindly nature, and an unselfish spirit are never wanting in true
politeness, but the conventionalities of society give the finish and
completeness to the whole, the colour, as it were, to the picture. In
some the conventional spirit is uppermost and they have at best but a
surface polish. In others the kindly feelings of the heart are allowed
full play, and no act of genuine politeness is omitted or left undone in
their intercourse with their fellows, and these graces of kindly
politeness linger in the memory, trivial though they may have been,
years after one has lost sight of this true gentleman or thorough lady,
and one says of him, "What a charming man he was, how courteous and
considerate, and how kind!" and of her, "She was the sweetest and
prettiest-mannered woman I ever met."
It is only given to the very few to be thoroughly and unaffectedly
charming without a shadow of self-consciousness or effort. To assume a
would-be charming manner for the moment, with the desire to be unusually
pleasing to some one in particular, does not confer the enviable
reputation of having a charming manner. It does not sit easy enough to
be altogether natural; it conveys the idea of being put on for the
occasion, and, like all other imitations, it hardly ever pleases and
seldom deceives. Etiquette and true politeness would have us go further
than this, and our manners of to-day should be our manners of to-morrow,
and not variable according to place and persons. The world is quick to
note these uncertain demeanours, and every one's measure is readily
taken and retained.
The rules of etiquette are indispensable to the smooth working of
society at large. Take, for example, the etiquette of precedency, in
force both in public and in private: on every public occasion, and in
every private circle, precedency steps in to render assistance, and is
as necessary in the smallest private circle as in the largest public
gathering, because it assigns to every one his or her place as far as
claim can be laid to place. Mistakes in the matter of precedency are not
only committed by those who have enjoyed few social advantages, but by
those also who have had everything in their favour. Young ladies, for
instance, when married from the schoolroom, as it were, often make grave
mistakes on the question of precedency, if they do not ignore it
altogether.
The etiquette of card-leaving and that of paying calls are indisputably
necessary and only the very ignorant would attempt to gainsay their
utility; without these aids to order and method all intercourse between
friends and acquaintances would be uncertain and chaotic; as it is there
is little excuse when the right thing is not done, and any departure
from the simple rules laid down on these heads, is the best possible
proof of the standing, position, and associations of the one at fault.
Any one point of etiquette if brought to the bar of common-sense would
be pronounced reasonable, proper, and sensible; and there is strictly
speaking no question of etiquette that cannot be thus judged and upon
which a like verdict would not be given. There is no one rule of
etiquette that can be described as absurd or ridiculous, arbitrary or
tyrannical, and taken collectively the rules are but social obligations
due from one person to another. Why should we not be a well-mannered
people? Why should we not be refined, cultivated, and polished in our
demeanour and bearing? Why should we not seek to charm if we can? Why
should we not cultivate and encourage in ourselves consideration,
thoughtfulness, and graciousness towards others in the smallest details
of daily life?