another place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lot
of shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sot
down, and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin'
thar yet. I purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot of
gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it,
but it sooted me fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about it
the more I made up my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in the
corn field whar none of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durned
if I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I never got that
dance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother didn't speak
to me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame
and a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a good
many questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn't
find Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days.
Uncle Josh at the Opera
WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down to
New York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We never
had many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troop
cum to Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav the
Opery House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuz
full of hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place
to put the hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cum
along that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good many
of their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got one
of the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks
Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs to
Ruben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the
gun and shot the dog.
Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin'
at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights
shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers
cum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and
tootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot
of folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of
my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of
the folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out,
though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could
see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't
be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece of
paper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' at
that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place
'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well I
wouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and went
out. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what
happened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teacher
got all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essays
and the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner girls recited a piece
that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' like
this:
How nice to hear the bumble-bee
When you go out a fishin',
But if you happen to sot down on him,
He'll spoil your disposition.
I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the school
teacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressed
them up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl to
represent the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent the
moon, and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it
looked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til
old Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went out
and got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and the
moon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's.
Uncle Josh at Delmonico's
I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here
in New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer
boarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've
carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and
when anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar
he boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's;
so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smart
purty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, when I git
down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's.
Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the
inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you
could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps
on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a
settin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much
of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all
to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I
couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin'
a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a
society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum
up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand,
somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of
them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum
up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de
hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him
he could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme
of the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of
cider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so
durn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tucker
right thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon-sour
mon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they called
in a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-five
cents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with a
bell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to let
folks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders.
It is Fall
THE days are gettin' shorter, and
the summer birds are leaving,
The wind sighs in the tree tops,
as though all nature was grieving;
The leaves they drop in showers, there's a
blue haze over all,
And a feller is reminded that once again it's
Fall.
It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered
in,
The wheat is in the granary and the oats are
in the bin;
A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony
with all,
The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know
it's Fall.
I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the
water mill,
While dressed in gorgeous colors is each
valley, knoll and hill;
The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly
wander home,
And the hives are just a-bustin' with the
honey in the comb.
Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple
paring bee,
And the signs of peace and plenty are just
splendid for to see;
The flowers they are drooping, soon there
won't be none at all,
Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that
I know it's Fall.
The muskrat has built himself a house down
by the old mill pond,
The squirrels are laying up their store from
the chestnut trees beyond;
While walking through the orchard I can
hear the ripe fruit fall;
There's an air of quiet comfort that only
comes with Fall.
The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes
you feel first-rate,
And there's work to keep you going from
early until late;
So you feel like giving praises unto Him
who doeth all,
Nature heaps her blessings on you at this
season, and it's Fall.
The nights are getting frosty and the fire
feels pretty good,
I like to see the flames creep up among the
burning wood;
Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot
owl call,
He is looking for his supper, I guess he
knows its Fall.
And though the year is getting old and the
trees will soon be bare,
There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and
some to spare;
For there's still some poor and needy who
for our help do call,
So we'll share with them our blessings and
be thankful that it's Fall.
Si Pettingill's Brooms
WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin'
round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove
Si Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath,
and got ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in Punkin
Centre. 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank on
a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag of
feathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin'
to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezra
got most uncommonly busy--he had more business than a town marshal on
circus day.
Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, and
Ruben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobacker
fer a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Si
remarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin most
uncommon high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything,
Sprosby's mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all under
water, which made it purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain the
milk two or three times to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young
'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' on
at the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one had got religion, and
things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual."
Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon;
I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated I might as well have it
done while thar wuz plenty of water."
"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sell
ye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on and
I'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in." Si
sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners,
can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra,
I don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know
'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, I
always gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s--, and
that's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms,
did ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer
'em." Wall, Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, and
then he sed: "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the
other half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right,
Ezra. Whar will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back end
of the store, Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, and
I've got a lot of things comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall,
after Si had the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozen
on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'em
on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em." So
Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now what do you want in trade?"
Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't see
anything any of our folks pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the
same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?"
Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his
thumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that
baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say.
Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if
we wuz in the other feller's place.
--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh Plays Golf
WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav
you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the
woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your
uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I
had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in
Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider,
and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had
an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with
him 'bout Thanksgiving time.
Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into
what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun
war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot
of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then
they brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and
they stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one
of them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall,
I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and I
jist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, and
the boys all commenced to holler "foozle."
Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hit
it right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot
down so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in
the air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin
and on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist
a-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun
to git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned little
ball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit
on my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away at
that little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar over
into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she got
skeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and the
durned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into Ezra
Hoskins' grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg of
soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot into
a box of winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on a
cracker barrel, and broke his durned old wooden leg, and then she went
right out through the winder and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz
a standin' thar, and they run away and smashed his wagon into kindlin'
wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages, and mother won't speak to me,
and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors all
say as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe keepin', and Aunt
Nancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't find it
for three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin'
marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmed
it up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has to
sort of put it in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton works
out at the corners and skeers the children and every time I see Nancy
that durned eye seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, and all
I know about playin' golf is, the feller what knocks the ball so durned
far you can't find it or whar it does the most damage, wins the game.
Jim Lawson's Hogs
WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody in
Punkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jim
had a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git
'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got,
and Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin'
them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, but
it wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. All
the neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, and
give him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody
could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to Ezra
Hoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar,
and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found out
what's alin' them hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it,
Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purty
soft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on
them hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git
so much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that they
can't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of
sleep."
Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer
markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he
started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez
Whitaker. Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed:
"Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That's
what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs
up Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs
up thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of
hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But the
paper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin'
thar." So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and
sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jist
head the hogs off and turn them round." Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout
three days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin'
thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall, thunder and
fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near as he could
figure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to
Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly
what all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most likely
sell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town.
Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos what
hogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord.
Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim
sed a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin',
and then he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, so
turn round." Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs
couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, so
Jim had to sell 'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuz
jist right at Josiah's place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no
way of moovin' them from thar fer some time to cum.
Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's
store, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogs
this year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin'
to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but I
had the society of the hogs fer two weeks."
Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent
WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived in
Punkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, and
calculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if
you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down to
New York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre to
build a new town hall."
Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, when
along cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum right
up and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal
or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dear
sir, I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises and
I find you haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess.
Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face of
Providence? Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time and
demolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you are
criminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that a
man of your jedgment and good common sense should allow yourself to----"
Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and I
sed, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall,
he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a little
masheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me what a
powerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and he
turned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all over
the porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fell
in a yeller jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin'
me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightning
rod or two, seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work and
I went over to Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz a
sight to behold; it looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuz
seven lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corn
crib, one on the smoke house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen,
six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree, and when I got thar
that durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put a
lightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and thanked
the Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paper
what sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to the
company.
Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think the
lightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and old
muley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thought
I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a feller
with that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer six
hundred dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it!
Buncode agin, by chowder!
Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I
notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually
rides in front.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A Meeting of the Annanias Club