Hoskins' grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and
whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezra
happened to have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarns
that would jist about put Annanias and Safiry right out of business
if they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'round
spinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mighty
peculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell
of hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'n
a whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuz
thar remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' in
front of any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out and
hollered jist as loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin'
and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off onto another one and
gittin' bigger and louder all the time 'til it got back whar it started
from and hit a stone quarry and knocked off a piece of stone and hit
that feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer over three hours.
Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none of us sed
anything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked "he
didn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen some
mighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hard
as anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did you
ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way it
got to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed together
comin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned into
steam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin'
out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall,
it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water couldn't run out of
both ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and busted." Wall,
we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra
Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it rain quite so
hard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed one time
when he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin'
up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it got
so allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn out
behind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' and
flyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laid
down and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commenced
to show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and
Jim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from his
wooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winter
when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I
remember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on the
fire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water froze
so durned quick that the ice wuz hot."
Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time."
Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade
SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about the
best hoss trader in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence,
chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and jist about swap ye outen your
eye-teeth, if you'd listen to him.
Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had fer
anything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'.
Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and about
that time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in him
to the squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus
mule that Ezra Hoskins owned.
Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we all
calculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim went
to ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on the
sides he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid of
that hoss, his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went
over in t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see the
Deacon he wuz mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatiz
purty bad it wuz sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to do
his huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinder
hinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, cos
he'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder,
and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally he
sed: "Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." Wall,
you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck out
like bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered tell of sech
a thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" Jim
sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game. I
calculated as how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right smart of
hunting." So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him over,
Jim, I'd like to see him."
Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of held
its breath to see how it would cum out.
Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' along
through the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyes
peeled and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin'
in a brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and he
squatted right down. The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of your
hoss, Jim, look what he be a doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you
see that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin'
of him." Deacon sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable thing I ever
seen in my life; how'd you like to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon,
I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, but I ain't much of a hand
at huntin', and seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll trade you,
Deacon, fifty dollars to boot."
Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll trade you,
Jim." They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they had to
ford the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hoss
wuz a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep
them from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and he
squatted right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim,
what's the matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now be
he?" Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell you
he's trained to set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's
had a thorough eddication."
Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me
like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life.
--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A Meeting of the School Directors
WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. You
see it had got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of an
affair, and when it wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it,
'cause you might jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it rained as
to be a settin' in that school house. Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the
fall term, and we wanted our boys and girls to git all the schoolin'
an' eddication what they could; so we called a meetin' of the school
directors to devise ways and means of buildin' a new school-house
without stoppin' school. Wall, we all met down at the school-house; thar
wuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill,
old Jim Lawson and me. Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on the
matter, Si Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sang
the durndest old-fashioned song I calculate I ever heered in my life;
went somethin' like this:
Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride,
oohoo--oohoo.
Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride,
With a sword and a pistol by his side,
oohoo--oohoo.
He rode till he came to the mouse's door,
oohoo--oohoo,
He rode till he came to the mouse's door,
And there he knelt upon the floor,
oohoo--oohoo.
He took Miss Mousey on his knee,
oohoo--oohoo.
He took Miss Mousey on his knee,
Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me?
oohoo--oohoo.
Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin singin'
about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson he
sed, "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and he
sed, "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me or
durned if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You take
your feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, and
conduct yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman of
this yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his station." Wall, Jim he got
right smart riled over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durned
old gospel pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of this
body, a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of the
government, and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out of
the bricks of the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendment
to the original moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouse
until the new one is built."
Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of order;" and Jim
sed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you in
about two shakes of a dead sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it,
them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim he
grabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuz
stuck fast 'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg
through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they've
both gone to law about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a writ
of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and the Deacon says he's goin' to
prosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have him read out of the church.
Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse.
Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be generally better
off if they didn't git it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre
WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on that
street what they call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar
noospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuz
jist flobgasted; I jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar
wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' along side of it with slege
hammers in their hands, and every onct in a while they would go to
poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it;
they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'round
the edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric lites
in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. If
anyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole world
durned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen before
wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar
a-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one end
and cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded up
ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we never
had but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The Punkin
Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim
he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out of
mischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over
Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for the
noospaper--always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mighty
good place fer him to take in his subskriptions. Wall, things went along
pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a feller he cum in and give
Jim a keg of hard cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, and
we all calculated right then that somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen;
and sure enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had got two
advertisements; one wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz
the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall,
Jim he got to drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at the same time,
and when the paper cum out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see.
Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant would
leave the depo every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake and mutton
stews, and would change cars at White River Junkshen for mins and punkin
pise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nuts
like mother used to make, and the train wouldn't run on Sundays cos the
stashun agint what done the cookin' would have to run en extra on that
day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion."
I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle.
Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired,
sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and
sometimes the result of hard cider.--Punkin Centre
Philosophy.
Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting
WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer
several days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparations
fer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to have
lemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git it
jist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of the
camp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half a
dozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of the
crick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' a
pulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlock
tree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preached
at that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. You
see we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopolies
and trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved
brethren and sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists.
If we read the scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz all
monopolists. Adam and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden,
and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve got
squeezed in the apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corner
on the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk
business, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water; yea,
verrily." Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass.
Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; it
went something like this:
"Oh you need not cum in the mornin',
And neither in the heat of the day;
But cum along in the evenin', Lord,
And wash my sins away.
Chorus--
Standin' on the walls of Zion,
Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er};
Standin' on the walls of Zion,
To see my ship cum in."
Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a holler
log. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sot
down in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, and
she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogs
got to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and he
stumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and fell
down, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuz
Jim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'.
The Unveiling of the Organ
IT wuz down in Punkin Centre,
I believe in eighty-nine,
We had some doin's at the meetin' house,
That we thought wuz purty fine;
It wuz a great occasion,
The choir, led by Sister Morgan,
Had called us thar to witness
The unveilin' of the organ.
In order fer to git it
We'd bin savin' here and there,
Lookin' forward to the time
When we'd have music fer to spare,
And as the time it had arrived,
And the organ had cum, too,
We had all of us assembled thar
To hear what the thing could do.
Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument,
In a handsome walnut case,
And thar wuz expectation
Pictured out on every face;
Then when Deacon Witherspoon
Had led us all in prayer,
The congregation all stood up
And Old Hundred rent the air.
Jist then the doin's took a turn,
Though I'm ashamed to say it,
We found that old Jim Lawson
Wuz the only one could play it;
But Jim, the poor old feller,
Had one besettin' sin,
A fondness fer hard cider
Which he'd bin indulgin' in.
But he sot down at that organ,
Planked his feet upon the pedals,
And he showed us he could play it
Though he hadn't any medals;
He dwelt upon the treble
And he flirted with the base,
He almost made that organ
Jump right out of its case.
Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head
And in his fingers, too,
So he played some dancin' music
And old Yankee Doodle Doo;
He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon
And scared poor Sister Morgan,
And jist busted up the meetin'
At the unveilin' of the organ.
Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball
I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New
York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of
it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball.
Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I
got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that
many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game
I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty
others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying
to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose
when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if
that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any
foot ball in his'n.
I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on,
and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along
in the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and
sunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us
play a game of base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old
fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be
durned if I don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready
to play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and a
buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get a
drink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirty
or forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then I
happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw
in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster;
I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought
to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't
git me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar;
but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz
the only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score,
but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how
the game stood.
They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything
that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery,
durned if I don't want to see it.
The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad
WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now;
oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about
the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs
across itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three
times. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in the
ingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuz
a wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and a
seven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durned
old ingine would stop.
Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we had
an awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the
right of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through
his medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer
quite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall,
one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly
busy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin'
down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the
railroad." And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it
goin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar
it's a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have
a right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up
my medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do
some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist
the way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist
thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I
should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr.
Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your
barn."
Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar
would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community of
Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections
to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now,
afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've
got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin'
along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run
down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky
old trains wants to go through."
Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed since
Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the
end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or
ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description.
Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and
will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show
herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it,
an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described.
--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh on a Bicycle
A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum home
from college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens hum
with him, and I think ever since that time the whole town of Punkin
Centre has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bin
a-ridin' a bisickle to Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't ride
one of them 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but he jist calculated if he
could git it hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could cut more hay
with it than any man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz
tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle.
Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin' would
do but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think very
favorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them I
would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar when
I commenced. I took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into the
middle of the road, and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then I
got off sort of unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it
over, and then the trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen and
it jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the
middle, and shied and balked and jumped sideways, and carried on worse
'n a couple of steers the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed to
hang on fer a spell, and then I went up in the air and cum down all over
that bisickle. I fell on top of it and under it and on both sides of it;
I fell in front of the front wheel and behind the hind wheel at the same
time. Durned if I know how I done it but I did. I run my foot through
the spokes, and put about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedge
fence, and skeered a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I done more
different kinds of tumblin' than any cirkus performer I ever seen in
my life, and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle than
any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the
clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, I lost my self-respect,
my last suspender button and my standin' in the community. I broke the
handle bars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the ten commandments, I
broke my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud and abusive language,
and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his wooden leg through a knot-hole
in the porch and couldn't git it out agin. Wall, I'm through with it;
once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your durned old bisickles that
want to, but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to sit
down and walk. No more bisickles fer your Uncle Josh, not if he knows
it, and your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he do.
Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of
gittin' it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church
A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners
Church, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the
preachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions and
answers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. You
see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school class,
and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the
Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit,
then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed,
"Commodore Dewey, at Manila." The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't
Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson." Another
little feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up;
he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague."
The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them war
doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the first
commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the main." Gosh,
I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a good
laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the
second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson.
You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it
lookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over to my house and
he sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." I sed, "What
do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar,
kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymn
books at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell
'em." Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the
minister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tell
the congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin'
house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could hear him
clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, but he
woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through with
his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having babies
here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, bring
them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." Wall, Jim he woke up
about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about his
hymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't got
any I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece."