Produced by Charles Keller
UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES
By Cal Stewart
Preface
To the Reader.
The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with an
occasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get
the laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his.
In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet one
true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity.
Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there
is a bright side to everything.
Sincerely Yours
Cal Stewart
Contents PREFACE
LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR
MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC
ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK
UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY
UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY
UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM
UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET
UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM
UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS
UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE
UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK
UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR
MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS
UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT
UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND
UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA
UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S
IT IS FALL
SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS
UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF
JIM LAWSON'S HOGS
UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT
A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB
JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE
A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS
THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE
UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING
THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN
UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL
THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD
UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE
A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH
A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS
UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS
UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM
YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH
UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON
WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE
Life Sketch of Author
THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we
had to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their
fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not
have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured
a common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, or
rather home left me--things just petered out. I was slush cook on an
Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs
of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M.
K. & T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first
appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio,
and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross
ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made
love to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the
machine and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman,
fired and ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check
clerk in a freight house; worked on the section; have been a shot
gun messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus,
minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; have been
with good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some shows
where we had landlords singing in the chorus. Have played variety houses
and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a swell
hotel the next; have been a traveling salesman (could spin as many
yarns as any of them). For the past four years have made the Uncle Josh
stories for the talking machine. The Lord only knows what next!
My Old Yaller Almanac
Hangin' on the
Kitchen Wall
I'M sort of fond of readin' one
thing and another,
So I've read promiscus like
whatever cum my way,
And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween
me and mother,
'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round
a rainy day.
Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt
no end of books,
Some made fer useful readin' and some jist
made fer looks;
But of all the different books I've read,
thar's none comes up at all
To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.
I've always liked amusement, of the good
and wholesome kind,
It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the
mind;
So, often of an evening, when the farm
chores all were done,
I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh
how I liked the fun;
And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they
showed at our Town Hall,
A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all.
Wall I went down to see 'em, but their
jokes, I knowed 'em all,
Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and
a lot of us old codgers,
Used to meet down at the grocery store,
what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.
There we'd set and argufy most every market
day,
Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass
the time away;
And many a knotty problem has put us on
our mettle,
Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve
and settle;
Then after they had said their say, who
thought they knowed it all,
I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got
From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.
It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old
fashioned yeller book,
And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've
took;
Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through
its pages,
Seein' of the different things that's happened
in all ages.
One time I wuz elected a Justice of the
Peace,
To make out legal documents, a mortgage
or a lease,
Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I
knowed them all,
Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
So now I've bin to New York, and all your
sights I've seen,
I s'pose that to you city folks I must look
most awful green,
Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I
walked round the town,
Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't
Mr. Hiram Brown.
I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung
onto the straps,
When we flew around the corners, sat on
other peoples' laps,
Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all,
Read about your city in My Old Yaller
Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York
WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New
York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and
produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down
here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore
I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz
here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good
many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them
thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin'
along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I
alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in
my hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall
that conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit
he'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin'
from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them
sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a
feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to
see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a
runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck,
but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him.
Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker
'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles
commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes
on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side
afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net along
side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collar
button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right
boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so
durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin',
and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot
down right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and
stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a
heerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and
told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in
to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by that
button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought
it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York,
wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with my
jack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in
soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't want
anything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he
wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes
on and went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to wash
in, and fast as I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of a
little hole in the bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handful
and then pump some more. Wall after that things went along purty well
fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and felt
purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till it
stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stopped
twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window to
look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned old
ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy two
tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thing
about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductor
on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on
his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commenced
to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to New
York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and kerridges
and one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they all
commenced to holler--handsome--handsome. I didn't know I wuz so durned
good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another tried
to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if I
wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of
'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I
never heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life,
he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to
charge me, and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I
guess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more cause
I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped we
wuz away up at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses,
and I sed to him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed
n-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at the
hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I
c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a
great time with that feller, but I got here at last.
Uncle Josh in Society
WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a
goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess
that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down
here named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry
and me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't
seen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in
the city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street
called avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took
my breath away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal
bigger'n the court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know
whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and I
went up and rang some new fangled door bell, when a feller with knee
britches on cum out and wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh
I couldn't say anything fer about a minnit, that feller jist looked to
me like a picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally I told him I
wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the same Henry I used to know
down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry he must a heered me
talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both hands and sed,
"why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in." Wall he took me into
the house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever seen
before in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kind
of society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr.
Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak
about you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum pretty
near settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to know
you, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy,
she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin remember
on. Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I got on my
store clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked about as
scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they called
it a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped
out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut
up more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the
ladies wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the
german, but I told her I only danced in English.
Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't
any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool
with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl
with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations
at me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in
Henry's house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of
furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and another
what they called a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of
cake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin',
though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then they handed
me somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of
casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it
slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz
froze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.
Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry
I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin'
critter I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around
purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities
in cirkuses and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen
a critter with his head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a
feller, now whar abouts in New York do you folks git your washin' done;
when I left hum to come down here I lowed I had enuff with me to do
me, but I've stayed here a little longer than I calculated to, and if I
don't git some washin' done purty soon, I'll have to go and jump in the
river.
Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a place
round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round,
and there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or
jump up and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz
a lot of figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it
jist looked to me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked over
that winder.
Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all spruce
gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked
fer all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz
sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself--I don't spose this
durned critter can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might
as well find out. So I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin'
fer me, and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me
like cider runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong oowong fang
kai moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of it
and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he giv
me a little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, and
I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin'
mortal man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into
the ink bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it to
a gentleman what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed to
him--mister, what in thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sir
that's a sort of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your clothes thar
to have them washed you git one of them tickets, and then you have a
chance to draw a prize of some kind." So I sed--wall now I want to know,
how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten cents,"
and I told him if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it, I
didn't want to get tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with that
saucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, and
in a couple of days I went round to git my washin', and that pig tailed
heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. So
I sed--now look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me my
collars and ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if
I don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter
he commenced hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn,
and all I could make out wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong
wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz a
tryin' to swindle me outen my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and in
less 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top,
and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and you couldn't hav told which one
of us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove and kicked out the
winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got out of
thar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about five yards of that
pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' thar yellin'--ung
wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. I had
quite a time with that heathen critter.
Uncle Josh in a Museum
WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the street
when I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got
to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten
cents to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I
don't spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself the
laffin' stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar
gittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit a
pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I went
right up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockits
picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every body
commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin'
at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger.
I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question to
Samantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller
what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of
needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy
feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybody
over to this end of the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them,
and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted
on him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at
him when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody,"
and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got
sot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since I
wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way--
Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year,
And I cum within one of not bein' here,
The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember,
It happened some time 'bout last December.
Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
ri too ra loo la ri do.
The load was composed of both girls and boys,
All tryin' to outdo the other in noise.
And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather
Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together.
Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
ri too ra loo ri li do.
Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and
jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I bought
one of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker.
Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never sed
a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say
"Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him
one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and
left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar
wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz
skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up
agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time
he'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say
Uncle Josh."
Uncle Josh in Wall Street
I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot
about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another,
so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City,
that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got
a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they
call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and
down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange
or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a
cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock
to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep the
menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they've
got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though he
thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with
me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went along with
him, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could make
out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two
akers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest
men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I
knowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar
alive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot of
papers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all the
rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of
'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the
table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we
are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I
knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would
ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants
pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt
mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front
steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of
the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what
time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about
twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed
"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess
I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many
cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is
thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir,
that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about
ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't
right.
Uncle Josh and the Fire Department
ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got
it all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in
New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with
the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and
Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he
told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little
box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he
says, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it
will go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that
handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin'
the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put
my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot
of readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or
somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked
on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't
git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times,
and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the
knob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New
York commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar
the fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum
a gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle on
wheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of
them fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra
Hoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed
"what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ
a letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned
old green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New York
City." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. I
sed--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt
ye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on
thother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away,
and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it
or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if
I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and
looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he
opened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered
a whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master down
home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him by
the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and sot
on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could think
of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and
one of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'd
caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, and
by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I found
out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City.
I lost mother's letter and she never did git it.
Uncle Josh in an Auction Room
I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another,
so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin'
ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to
remember New York by.
Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar
they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what
they had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned
cooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years
old, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth,
or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it.
Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as
though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid
me; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I
wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it
fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to
me fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git
my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up
to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look here
mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it
thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now
what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh;
when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars
in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the
feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller
sed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go
you twenty-five."
Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a
biddin' on it.
Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so
he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus
I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New
York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on
hoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I
had jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had
a different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't
have care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a
standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all
to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever
seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between a
band wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced at
the hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman
standin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do you
call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I
sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kin
if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about
busted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Thar
wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise in
her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took out
a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out a
dime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, and
shet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on the
front of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened the
valise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse and
put in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the
purse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I had
to snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn't
help it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller a
five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer a
spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind end
of the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I
did, and it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I
want to see you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made up
my mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in about
a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honest
injun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's
jist what I done," and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do
you want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole
durned outfit.
Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and
another man a convict.--Punkin Centre Philosophy
Uncle Josh in a Department Store
ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find
one of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what
thar is on earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don't
you?" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departments
at one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and some
caliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, and
wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some feller
throwed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think much
of a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't
think much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether.
Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in the
air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the stars
what stronomy tells about, and some that haint been discovered yit.
Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross the
street and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do that agin, my mother
didn't see you do it." Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that little
rascal fer about a minnit, and his mother would a seen me do it.
I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told a
feller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and she
sent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to
do only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and I
sed, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round
'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got
hay seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn,
and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you?
Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart
like, "jist step this way, please." Wall he showed me round and I bought
what I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay,
it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. I
handed him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in a
little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commenced
runnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots I
lit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, I
knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargain
counters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jist
then some one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'm
after. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to
it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I
never felt more foolish in all my life.
Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man
who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking,
though his neighbors may have a different opinion.
--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York
I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some
of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny
as anything I ever seen in my life.
I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick
Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or
bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin'
on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed
one sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz
another sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them,
and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you
want to put your trust in the Lord.
Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and
finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and
yeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it,
cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist
tickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of
them critters in my throat fer ten dollars.
Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what
sed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his boots
blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine
blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric
lights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I
happened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt
the same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my very
eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz
a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I had
a mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would
turn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your
mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all.
A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is the
door." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen
another sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they
thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle,
or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot
of tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any
durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one
feel his head and find out what ails him.
Uncle Josh on a Street Car
NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New
York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke
house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars
what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz
a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after
street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on
it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day
to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and
when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart.
Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded,
and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one
of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a
strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin'
to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I
moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he
got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?"
I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to
step some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed,
"old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard
again," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel
to ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty
much all the time I wuz in thar.
Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so
much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim
lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't
look as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents
and a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady
and sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady
sed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker
right out loud.
Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three
ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to
sot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git up
and let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up
and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin'
right out.
Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little
baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be
sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him,
and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like
and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could
have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I
didn't know the little thing was rubber.
Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen,
and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got
a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it
sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I
jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and
the company wuz out.
Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he
wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked
and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister,
hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you
one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I
seen him a comin'.
My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots
THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain,
That over my memory scoots,
When I think of my boyhood days once again
And my fust pair of copper toed boots.
How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on,
And bravely marched out on the floor,
And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit
And the best to be had at the store."
That night, I remember, I took them to bed,
With the rest of us little galoots,
And among other things in my prars which I sed
Wuz a reference to copper toed boots.
And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand
Wuz me and my new acquisition,
And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed,
From the garret clar down to the kitchen.
Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room,
I concluded I'd help do the chores;
Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust
If I didn't git right out of doors.
But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick,
And I couldn't get one way or tother,
And I jist had to stand right there in one spot
And holler like thunder fer mother.
But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise
Fer I larned right thar on the spot,
That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world
Is that by experience taught.
So though many years have since passed away,
And I've ventured on various routes,
I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today
As my fust pair of copper toed boots.
Uncle Josh in Police Court
I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as
New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had
a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along
side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the
Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits
and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece
down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they
handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to
one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of
people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of
nationalitys--Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians,
Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and
worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten
days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed;
bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall,
some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right
out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed:
"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge,
your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed:
"Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller
sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness,
you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life."
And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never saw
a ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" The
Judge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner."
Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impediment
in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed:
"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge,
yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name
is-is-is----." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, what
is this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor,
the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water."
Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house.
It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson
wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si
Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd
sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part
with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin
with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and
generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum
hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cum
over to git my cow." And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've
got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall,
Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago,
and she's et her head off two or three times since then." So Si sed:
"Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk be
durned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give any
milk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I've
pestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No,
Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I've
got her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points in the law,
I'm goin' to keep her."
So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heer
the trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, he
sed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case,
to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' the
defendant, the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sot
forth that the cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuth
more 'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict of
this cort that the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the
cow two weeks longer, and then she is hisn."
Uncle Josh at Coney Island
I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what they
call Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up my
mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keers
what goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland.
Settin' right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and she
seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed to
me "mister, do these cars stop when we git on the other side of the
bridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump you
ever got in your life.
Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu cars
what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he
put it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when
I wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He
sed, "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez
"you better go out and look at it."
Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This car
goes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be durned if I
got any.
Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub
I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing
I seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It looked
like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother
end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all
git in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I
alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along
with a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never
see agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned us
loose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and left
us. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin'
alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed,
you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung on and
hollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and
that durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one
hand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dab
into that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into the
water, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered "save
me, I'm jist a drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jist
started to wade out when along cum another boat and run over us, and
under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the bank, and that
female woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady from a watery
grave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet she wouldn't
hav swallered so much of the pond.