Any one may undertake the place of a nursery-maid. As every female has,
when a girl, been in the habit of carrying, letting fall, snubbing
and slapping, either her own or some one else's little brothers and
sisters, it is easy to say you have been accustomed to children.
Supposing that you enter service as a nursery-maid, there will,
perhaps, be an upper nurse, who will be, in fact, your mistress. Your
care at home will be to wait on her; and when walking out, you will
have to keep the children at a convenient distance while she flirts
with her _beau_, who will probably be one of the British soldiery. This
will be very tantalising to you at first; but you must recollect that
your own time will come, if you wait patiently.
[Illustration: PRIMUM VIVERE, DEINDE PHILOSOPHARI.--"Is Florrie's
engagement really off, then?"
"Oh, yes. Jack wanted her to give up gambling and smoking, and goodness
knows what else."
(_Chorus._) "How absurd!!"]
Some places are very different from others. You may go into a wealthy
family where the children are kept upstairs, like live lumber, in the
nursery, and are only brought out now and then for show, like the
horses of the state carriage, or the best tea-set. If you curb their
spirits that they may be docile on those occasions, and turn them out
to the best advantage as far as appearance is concerned, you will be
a favourite with your mistress. In some places you will be what is
called "assisted" by the mother; or, in other words, interfered with,
just enough to destroy all your attempts at discipline. In this case,
your mistress will doubtless tell you, that if you cannot manage the
children, she must find someone who can, and will give you warning
accordingly.
[Illustration: _She._ "What an enormous expanse of shirt-front Major
Armstrong has!"
_He._ "H'm--it isn't his _front_ I object to. It's his _side_!"]
It is not necessary to give you any particular directions about your
dress, for the penny _Belle Assemblée_ will furnish you with all the
latest fashions; and you have only to do in cottons and stuffs, what
your mistress is doing in silks and satins. You should bear in mind,
that you are not obliged to make yourself a dowdy to please any one;
for nature has doubtless given you a pretty face, and the gifts of
nature ought to be made the most of. Besides, if you are a servant at
home, you are a lady out of doors; and you may even keep a parasol at
the greengrocer's, to be ready for you when you take a holiday.
When you go to a new place, your mistress will, perhaps, tell you
the character of each child, that you may know how to manage their
different tempers; but you will, of course, use your own discretion.
If one is pointed out as a high-spirited little fellow, you may be
sure that he is fond of killing flies, tying toys to the dog's tail,
striking you, and crying, as if you had struck him, when he hears his
mamma coming. If you are told that one of the dear boys has a turn for
finding out how everything is made, and he must not be checked, as
his papa intends him for a civil-engineer, you may be sure that the
juvenile spirit of inquiry will be shown in pulling your work-box to
pieces, unless you turn his attention to the furniture, which he should
be encouraged to dissect in preference to any of your property.
[Illustration: THE LATEST LITTLE GAME.--"The duchess is looking awfully
pleased with herself this evenin'. What's the matter?"
"What! Haven't you heard? Why, she's just been made editor of the pet
poodle page in the _Upper Crust Magazine_!"]
When you have a baby to take care of, some say you should be particular
in its food; but if the child cries you have no time for this, and you
must stop its mouth with anything that comes handiest. Indiscriminate
feeding is said to lay the foundation of diseases which remain with
the child through life; but as you do not remain with the child so
long, this is not your business. A nurse who knows thoroughly what
she is about, will keep a little Godfrey's Cordial, or some other
opiate, always at hand--but quite out of sight--to soothe the infant;
for nothing is so distressing to the mother, or such a nuisance to
yourself, as to hear a child continually crying. When there is only
one infant these soothing syrups must be cautiously applied, lest the
necessity for a nurse should terminate altogether, and you are thrown
out of your situation.
[Illustration: _Nervous Player (deprecatingly playing card)._--"I
really don't know what to play. I'm afraid I've made a fool of myself."
_Partner (re-assuringly)._ "That's all right. I don't see what else you
could have done!"]
An infant sometimes requires example before it will take to its food,
and, as it is very nice, you may as well eat one half of it first,
to encourage the infant to eat the other. Use sugar in children's
food very sparingly, and, lest the infant be tempted to want some of
the sugar that is saved out of the quantity allowed, lose no time in
locking it up out of sight in your own tea-caddy. If you wish to save
your beer-money, recollect that milk is heavy for children, unless
mixed copiously with water. As nothing ought to be wasted, you can
drink what remains, instead of beer, at your dinner.
There are many very troublesome duties that some nurses undertake in
order to amuse the child; but as Nature is acknowledged to be the best
nurse, you had better let Nature try her hand at all the hard work,
while you confine yourself to that which is easy.
When a child reaches a certain age it will begin to want amusement,
when, if there are no toys, you may give it the poker and tongs, or
set it down on the floor before the coal-scuttle. Opening and shutting
a box is also an amusement; as it involves occasionally the shutting
in of the child's own fingers, the operation combines instruction
also. As a child may be troublesome while being washed, give it the
powder-puff; and as every thing goes to the mouth, the dear little
thing will commence sucking the powder-puff, which will keep it quiet.
[Illustration: WORKING OUT THEIR OWN SALIVATION
This is not a feast of "funeral baked meats." It is a party of hygienic
enthusiasts, following the system by which all food is masticated
eighty-five times and then allowed to remain in the mouth till it
disappears by involuntary absorption.]
A very interesting age in children is when they begin "to take
notice." When taking a walk with the children it cannot be expected
that you can always have your eyes on _them_, and you must therefore
accustom them to take care of themselves as much as possible. Besides,
self-preservation is the first law of Nature, and a child cannot too
soon be taught to follow it. Thus, if you are looking about you and
the children get into the road, while a carriage is passing, you will
probably not be aware of their danger, till it is past, when you will
begin slapping and scolding your little charges that they may know
better for the future.
It is a very fine thing to encourage generosity in children, and you
should therefore talk a great deal about the presents you have received
on birth-days and on other occasions from the little dears in the place
where you last lived. This will of course give your mistress a hint as
to what she ought to do. For the children will naturally ask to be
allowed to make you presents, and the parents not liking to check the
amiable feeling, and desirous of not being thought shabby in comparison
with your former employers, will no doubt give--through the hands of
the children--what you may have occasion for.
[Illustration: _Hostess (introducing first violin to sporting and
non-musical guest)._ "This is Professor Jingelheim, who leads the
quartet, you know."
_Sporting Guest (thinking to be highly complimentary)._
"Leads--eh--ah--by several lengths, eh--and the rest nowhere! What?"]
If you have nephews and nieces you may supply them with many little
articles of dress that are pronounced to be "past mending." If your
mistress notices that the stock of children's things diminish, you can
suggest that "things won't wear for ever," which often passes as an
apology for a sensible diminution in the number of socks and pinafores.
You may observe that Master So-and-So is such "a spirited little
fellow, that he does wear his things out very fast," and your mistress
will be satisfied if she thinks her child's spirit has caused half his
wardrobe to evaporate.
If you follow all these instructions to the letter, you will make as
good a nursery-maid as the best of them.
* * * * *
HINT TO HOUSEMAIDS.--How to destroy flies--encourage spiders.
[Illustration: A MATTER OF HABIT.--_Lady (engaging new cook)._ "One
thing more. I always like my servants to dress quietly."
_Applicant._ "Oh, there won't be any trouble about that, ma'am. I've
got a quiet taste myself."]
[Illustration: NATURAL RELIGION
_Bishop (reproving delinquent page)._ "Wretched boy! _Who_ is it that
sees and hears all we do, and before whom _even I_ am but as a crushed
worm?"
_Page._ "The missus, my lord!"]
[Illustration: "A FELLOW-FEELING MAKES US WONDROUS KIND."--"What! going
to leave us, James?"
"Yes, sir, I'm very sorry, sir, but I really can't put up with missus
any longer!"
"Ah, James! think how long _I_'ve put up with her!"]
[Illustration: "Yes, she's a nice girl; but I can't get on with her.
She has so little to say for herself."
"Oh, but _I_'ve been talking to her for the last hour, and she doesn't
interrupt. Now, that's what I think so charming!"]
[Illustration: IMPOSSIBLE!--_He (relating a thrilling experience),_ "If
I hadn't skipped to one side, I should have been run over! I assure you
I had a _very narrow_ escape!"
[Illustration: _She (having played a little thing for Bertram)._
"I hope you didn't hear the wrong note!" _Bertram (thinking to be
complimentary)._ "Which one?"]
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED
DIFFERENTLY.--(_Our semi-detached neighbours._) _Grace._ "And yet,
dear, how little we have seen of each other lately--considering there
is only a partition-wall between us!" _Emily._ "But then, dear, it is
such a comfort to feel that you are on the other side!"]
[Illustration: _Mistress (about to engage a new housemaid)._ "Have you
had any experience?" _Applicant._ "Oh yes, mum. I've been in _'undreds_
of sitiwations!"]
[Illustration: SOMETHING NEW.--_Young Ass._ "Aw--I'm bored to death
with life!" _She._ "Why don't you do something?" _Young Ass._
"Aw--there's nothing worth doing that I haven't tried." _She._ "Isn't
there? There _must_ be. _Try and think._"
[Illustration: BRIC À BRAC.--_Lady Croesus._ "Oh, what a sweet table!
Where did you get it, my dear? Oh, I see here's the man's card."
(_Spelling the label._) "'Table--Louis Quinze.' Louis Quinzey! What a
horrid name! and why hasn't he put his address?"]
[Illustration: _Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and
talked about himself the whole time)._ "Yes, I'm sorry to say I'm a
martyr to insomnia. I've tried everything, but I cannot get sleep at
night!"
_His Hostess (sweetly)._ "Oh, but I can tell you a very simple remedy.
You should talk to yourself--after going to bed!"]
[Illustration: _Miss Withers (showing photograph of herself)._ "I'm
afraid it's rather faded."
_Binks (inexperienced, aged nineteen)._ "Yes, but it's just like you."]
[Illustration: IN THE PICTURE GALLERY OF THE EARLS OF LONGLINE.--_Sir
Peter Stodgely._--"Curious thing your family should all be took in
fancy dress! I s'pose they're all by the same man, eh?"]
[Illustration: OUR DOMESTICS.--"Listen Jack. I've put down 'kitchen and
scullery maids kept; only two in family; beer allowed; no dairy; extra
help when required.' Now, can you suggest any other inducement I can
offer?"
"_Well_--you might add 'charming scenery!'"]
[Illustration: "----BUT THOSE UNHEARD ARE SWEETER"