For ages it has been believed that a certain wicked person sends cooks;
but Johnson has well observed, and so by the by have Smith and Brown,
that "if we had no cooks, we should be as bad as cannibals."
[Illustration: _Butler._--"Master says you're to have a glass o' this
before you go, Mrs. Giles. Now, that's some rare good stuff, that is,
an' will do 'ee a world o' good!"
_Mrs. Giles._--"Well, it certainly _do_ taste better than the physic I
be in the 'abit o' takin'!"]
Cooks have always been the subject of sarcasm, and Jones tells us that
even in his day the wits loved to give the cooks a good roasting. It
is said, moreover, that "too many cooks will spoil the broth," from
which we may presume that, as the workhouse broth is the very worst in
the world, a great many cooks must have a hand in it. Apicius was the
first man who made cookery a science, and he poisoned himself: no doubt
with his own cookery. He invented several sauces, and was, in fact, the
Roman Harvey. He is believed to have been the first who added the
trimmings to legs of mutton, and he took for his motto the line in
Virgil:--
"_At Regina gravi jamdudum saucia curâ._"
because the luxury of _gravy_, _jam_, _sauce_ and _curry_ are all
shadowed forth in the quotation alluded to.
Dr. Johnson was, according to Boswell, "a man of very nice
discrimination in the science of cookery," and he was proverbial for
his sauce, which he dealt out to every one with the greatest freedom.
Boswell once asked him if he liked pickles, when he said, "No, sir; the
man who would eat a pickle would pick a pocket."
Boswell adds, "I ventured to say he would"; and they wound up the
evening with grog, which Boswell, as usual, had to pay for; and it is
thought that the expression of "Standing _Sam_" originated with Boswell
having to stand whatever Sam (Johnson) chose to call for.
The celebrated Dr. Parr was also a great epicure, and liked his
victuals underdone, from which we have the expression Parr-boiling.
Milton loved his meat well dressed, and died with a good thing in his
mouth; but whether it was a morsel of philosophy, or something nice,
has never transpired.
[Illustration: A DEAD CERT.--_Expert from the Estate (just arrived--the
gardener being a distinct failure)._ "Why, would you I believe it, sir,
I thoroughly cleaned your stove yesterday just before you came--took
it all to pieces--and" (_most cheerfully_) "I'll lay a sovereign I put
some of it back wrong!"]
Having said thus much of the ancient and classical who took an interest
in cookery, we plunge down stairs into the modern kitchen, and embrace
the cook of the present period.
On going to be hired, you will, perhaps, be told there are no
perquisites allowed. Don't stick out about that, for if perquisites are
not allowed you must take them.
It is easy to say the meat makes no dripping, and, of course, you can't
account for it.
It is a rule in cookery to make the best and the most of everything,
and you will therefore sell your kitchen-stuff at the marine-store shop
that will give the best price for it.
In some families the mistress of the house will assist the cook; but
she should have a sickener of that as soon as possible. If she makes
a pie, spoil it in the baking; for if there is any truth in the adage
about "too many cooks," the lady of the house should not be encouraged
in making one of the number.
[Illustration: ONE THING AT A TIME
_Genial Master (under the painful necessity of discharging his
coachman)._ "I'm afraid, Simmons, we must part. The fact is, I couldn't
help noticing that several times during the last month you have
been--sober; and I don't believe a man can attend properly to the drink
if he has driving to do!"]
Order is a great essential to a cook, who should keep everything
in its place, taking care to keep herself as snugly in her place as
possible. Never connive at dishonesty in others, but keep yourself to
yourself; for, if you rob your mistress, the least return you can make
is not to sanction others in doing so.
Never go into any place where a cat is not kept. This useful domestic
animal is the true servants' friend, accounting for the disappearance
of tit-bits, lumps of butter, and other odd matters, as well as being
the author of all mysterious breakages. What the safety-valve is to the
steam-engine, the cat is to the kitchen, preventing all explosions or
blowings up that might otherwise occur in the best regulated families.
Having laid down some general principles for the guidance of cooks, we
give a few maxims that cannot be too strictly attended to.
1. Keep yourself clean and tidy if you can. If your fingers are greasy
wipe them on your hair, which thus acquires a polish.
2. When a joint comes down from dinner, cut off what you intend for
your supper. If cut while the joint is warm, it does not show that it
has been cut. Relieve it also from all superfluous fat, which will of
course go into your grease-pot.
[Illustration: A WARM WELCOME.--_Distracted Hostess (to Uncle George,
who has arrived unexpectedly)._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad you have come! The
conjuror I had engaged hasn't turned up. So _you_'ll do some tricks to
amuse the children, won't you?"]
3. If you want a jelly-bag, cut up an ironing blanket for the purpose.
The former is of course wanted in a hurry, but the latter may be
procured at leisure.
4. When your dishes come down stairs, throw them all into scalding
water at once. Those that are not broken by the operation may
afterwards be taken out, and put in their proper places.
5. Scour your pickle-jars, but empty them first, if you are fond of
pickle.
6. If you have been peeling onions, cut bread-and-butter with the same
knife; it will show the multifariousness of your occupations, and
perhaps give a hint for raising your wages.
7. Let your spit and your skewers be always rusty; or, at least, do not
take the trouble to polish them; for by leaving great black holes in
the meat, they show it has been roasted, which is always better than
being baked, and it will be the more relished in consequence.
8. Never do anything by halves, except lamb, which you must sometimes
do by quarters.
[Illustration: INDIRECT ORATION.--"Oh, if you please, mum, there's no
meat for dinner. The butcher 'as been and gone and never come this
morning!"]
9. If you are cooking even a sheep's head or a bullock's heart, take
pains with them, so that what you do may be equally creditable to your
head and heart.
10. If you have a follower, or a policeman, who likes a snack, cut
it off each joint before you cook it--for everything loses in the
cooking--and the disappearance of one pound, at least, in eight or
nine, may thus be easily accounted for.
The above maxims will be sufficient to guide the cook in her course
of service, and we do not add any receipts, for it has been well said
by Dr. Kitchener, or might have been said by him as well as by anyone
else--that he who gives a receipt for making a stew, may himself make a
sad hash of it.
In bidding farewell to the cook, we would have her remember that her
control over the safe will give her a peculiar influence over the
hearts of the police, and she must be careful not to enervate a whole
division, and leave a district defenceless, by being too lavish with
the blandishments of love and the larder.
[Illustration: SCENE--_Country Vicarage._
_Burglar (who has been secured by athletic vicar after long and severe
struggle)._ "I think you're treatin' me very crool--and a clergyman
too!"]