[Illustration: SANCTA SIMPLICITAS
_Orthodox Old Maid._ "But, Rebecca, is your place of worship
consecrated?"
_Domestic (lately received into the Plymouth Brotherhood)._ "Oh no,
miss--it's galvanised iron!"]
You will now come down to cook the dinner; but, as this is another
branch of service, we proceed to tell you how to lay the table. Lay the
knives and forks, taking the latter from the plate-basket, where they
will be kept, though they are probably only Britannia metal or German
silver; nevertheless, call it "the plate," as it will gratify your
mistress.
If the family should be addicted to display, without means, you will
have to set round doyleys and wine-glasses, with a decanter containing
a remnant of British wine, which will not be touched, but will be
brought on "for the look of the thing" every day after dinner. The time
has now arrived for your own meal, and make the most of it. Secure all
the tit-bits, and if you cannot manage to get through the whole of them
at dinner, put away part of them for supper.
[Illustration: DISADVANTAGES OF PERFORMING AT A COUNTRY HOUSE IN THE
WASP SEASON. (_Just in the most important passage too._)]
About this time the afternoon's milk will arrive, and if you have
beer-money you will take some of the milk out for your own use, taking
care to fill up with warm water, so that you do not cheat your mistress
of her quantity. You will be in the middle of washing up your dishes,
when the family will want tea, and you will have just sat down to
your own tea, when you will probably be asked to do some mending. The
best way to put a stop to this is to turn sulky, do the work badly, or
express the greatest surprise, declaring that all the time you have
been out to service you never, &c., and would be glad to know who on
earth, &c., &c., &c.
[Illustration: "I wish, madam, you would not interrupt me every time I
try to say something. Do I ever break in when you're talking?"
"No, you brute, you go to sleep!"]
[Illustration: TO KEEP HIS MEMORY GREEN
_He._ "I was an intimate friend of your late husband. Can't you give me
something to remember him by?"
_She (shyly)._ "How would _I_ do?"]
[Illustration: THE SERVANT QUESTION
"Oh, I say, 'ave you seen the papers about 'shall we do without
servants?' I should like to see 'em try, that's all!" "Yus, and me
too!"]
You must not forget to cultivate your mind, and for this purpose you
had better take in "Brainy Bits," and if you read it through every
week, your head at the end of the year will be full of volcanic
rocks, the solar system, primary strata, electric eels, organic
remains, and hints for preserving gooseberries.
[Illustration: A CUT BENEATH HER
_Lady of the House._ "Oh, yes, Jane, I asked Mrs. Johnston to let her
little boy and his nurse call to go walking with you and the children."
_Nurse._ "Well, ma'am, I hope as you don't expect me to go walking with
_that_ young person? I don't think you can be aware as she is only a
_nurse-'ousemaid_!"]
On washing days there will probably be a woman come to wash; and in the
mutual confidence of the tub, you will probably become very friendly.
You may, no doubt, be of great service to each other, you in giving her
bits of this and that, while she may serve you by becoming the agent
for the disposal of your kitchen-stuff.
Do not fall a victim to low spirits, and above all, avoid sentiment. A
morbid-minded maid-of-all-work, whose heart has been carried off in the
butcher's tray, the milkman's can, or the baker's basket, is for ever
lost. Never hang your affections on a policeman's staff. The force is
proverbially fickle, and many a servant girl has pined with a hopeless
passion for one who has moved in a superior station.
[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 1.--What has the dealer declared?]
[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 2.--Will dummy go spades?]
[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 3.--Why did she declare hearts?]
[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 4.--What has dummy declared?]
[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 5.--Who doubled no trumps?]
One of the most trying situations for a maid-of-all-work, is in a house
where there are lodgers. She will, very likely, have to take everything
at once to everybody at once. She will be having the first floor and
the two-pair back clamouring at the same time for the only tea-pot in
the house, while the parlour will be calling angrily for his boots,
which have been taken by mistake, to the garret, who is writhing in
intense agony for his highlows.