A Gentleman Help who can nurse babies, and comb their hair carefully.
[Illustration: THE COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCE.--_Sympathetic Visitor._
"Poor _dear_ Mr. Smith, how he must suffer with all that sneezing and
coughing."
_Mrs. Smith._ "He does, indeed; but you can't think how it amuses the
baby!"]
A Gentleman Help who can choose good cigars, and assist in smoking them.
A Gentleman Help who can work a sewing machine and a private apparatus
for the distillation of whiskey.
A Gentleman Help who can assist the Sultan of Turkey to pay the
interest on his debts.
A Gentleman Help who can help the clerk of the weather to turn on a
little more sunshine.
* * * * *
AT THE SMITHSON'S DANCE.--_Young Innocent._ "I beg your pardon, did I
tread on your foot that time?"
_Sweet Girl (very sweetly)._ "Oh, no, not _that_ time!"
* * * * *
"MARY, there's three months' dust in the drawing-room!"
"That isn't my fault, mum. You know I've only bin here a fortnight!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: "You're dreadfully untidy again, Mary! I don't know what
the baker will think of you when he comes."
"The _baker_ don't matter, 'm. The _milkman's_ bin!"]
* * * * *
_Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husband is ill)._ "Has he had any lucid
intervals?"
_Mrs. Perkins (with dignity)._ "'E's 'ad nothink except what you
ordered, Doctor!"
[Illustration: T'OTHER WAY ROUND.--_He._ "That's Lady Passeh. She's
got an action on at the courts, asking for £5,000 damages."
_She._ "Damages! I should have thought she'd have asked for _repairs_."]
[Illustration: THE EYE AS AN AID TO THE EAR.--_Young Lady (repeating
conversation to deaf old gentleman)._ "Miss Frills says it gave her
such a fright."
_Deaf Old Gent._ "Eh? I didn't quite--"
_Young Lady._ "_Such--a--fright!_"
_Deaf Old Gent._ "Ah, yes--I agree with you--so she is!"]
* * * * *
WHY, NATURALLY.--"Cook, ought I to write Salvation Army in
_converted commas_?"
* * * * *
ORTHODOX.--_The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going round his new parish)._ "Of
course, you observe Lent, Mrs. Rickyard?"
_Mrs. Rickyard._ "Oh, yes, sir, we allus hev pancakes o' Shrove
Tuesday!"
* * * * *
AN EXCUSE.--_Mistress._ "Another breakage, Jane? And a wedding present,
too! How ever did you do it?"
_Jane (sobbing)._ "They al--ways break--when I--drop 'em!"
* * * * *
APPRECIATIVE.--_Amateur Tenor._ "I shall just sing one more song, and
then I shall go."
_Sarcastic Friend._ "Couldn't you go first!"
* * * * *
"ENTERING THE SOCIAL CIRCLE."--Making the first cut into a round of
beef.
* * * * *
_He._ "What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood has--like spun gold!"
_She (her rival)._ "Yes--fourteen carrot."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mabel._ "We always do this when mater's out, uncle.
Saves all the bother of talking. Ripping idea, isn't it?"]
[Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT
_General Blaxer._ "Ah, partner, do you--er--discard from--er--strength
or weakness?"
_Mr. Mildman._ "Er--er--generally from _fright_!"]
[Illustration: _The Mere Man._ "I--er--leave it to you."
_His Partner._ "Coward!"]
* * * * *
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Tomlinson._ "Good-bye, Miss
Eleanora----"
_Miss Eleanora._ "But you've _already_ said good-bye to me, Mr.
Tomlinson?"
_Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty speech)._ "Have I,
really? Well, one can't do a pleasant thing too often, you know!"
* * * * *
FELINE AMENITIES.--_Fair Hostess (who is proud of her popularity)._
"Yes; I flatter myself there's not a door-bell in the whole street
that's so often rung as mine!"
_Fair Visitor._ "Well, dear, _I_ had to ring it _five times_!"
* * * * *
BACHELOR HOUSEKEEPING.--_Mr. Brown._ "Pray, Jane, what on earth is the
reason I am kept waiting for my breakfast in this way?"
_Jane._ "Please, sir, the rolls isn't come, and there's no bread in the
house!"
_Mr. Brown._ "Now, upon my word! How can you annoy me with such
trifles? No _bread?_ then bring me some _toast_."
[_Exit Jane in dismay._
[Illustration: SOCIAL INSINCERITIES.--_His Lordship (vociferously,
with the rest)._ "_Brava! Encore!_ Go on! I could listen all night!"
(_Aside, to footman_). "Just see if my carriage is come. Look sharp!"]