Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and
inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is
anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the
roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information
to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far
afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood
of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense
of a return ticket would be saved.
ANXIOUS MOTHER.--So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children
to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. And all that you
tell me about Timothy's pet rabbit and Selina's last attack of measles
is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your
questions myself, but I will print them here, so that some of my kind
readers may be able to assist you. You want to know, in regard to
Poppleton--
(1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte.
(2) What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the
death-rate.
(3) What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in
the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.
(4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays.
DUBIOUS.--As you say, it _is_ difficult to make up one's mind where to
spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to
choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of
one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all
further worry. How about Brighton, Hastings, Eastbourne, Bexhill,
Seaford, Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, Lynton, or Tenby? I am
delighted to give you this real and valuable help!
PICNIC-PARTY.--You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of
riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property.
Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles
and paper bags!
OWNER.--I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river
invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass
they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.
* * * * *
[Illustration: INTRODUCTION MADE EASY.--_Invalid-Chair Attendant._ "If
you should have a fancy for any partickler party, I can easily bump
'em."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Miss Binns_ (_breathless, hurrying to catch London train
after week-end trip_). "Can you please tell me the _exact_ time?"
_Old Salt._ "'Alf ebb."]
* * * * *