(_By a Returned Traveller_)
I've scanned and penned an Ode on
Thy snowy glories, Snowdon
My honeymoon with Helen,
Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn,
Afar from all the _beau monde_
I've rambled round Ben Lomond,
At noontide on Ben Nevis,
I've roved and read _Sir Bevis_,
I've stretched each tired thin limb on
Thy summit, O Plinlimmon,
And once I tore my breeks
On Macgillycuddy's Reeks.
Those glorious mountain scalps,
The tiptops of the Alps,
I've seen--their pines and passes,
Their glaciers and crevasses--
With fools, philosophers and wits,
I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz,
Made sketches on St. Gothard,
Like Turner and like Stothard,
And with my _cara sposa_
Ascended Monte Rosa:
But not content with Europe,
I've roamed with staff and new rope
As far away as Ararat,
Where _savants_ say there's ne'er a rat;
The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan
I know as well as any man;
I've boiled my evening kettle
On Popocatapetl,
And on the highest Andes
I've sodas mixed and brandies;
I've slumbered snug and cosey
On silvery Potosi;
I've stood on Peter Botto,
A rather lonely spot;
And--crowning feat of all
My mountaineerings on this ball--
I've smoked--O weed for ever blest!
My pipe upon Mount Everest.
And now my ramble's over,
Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover!
All Alpine risks and chances,
All Ultramontane fancies,
I've put away and done with;
I'll stay my wife and son with,
And never more will roam
From Primrose Hill and home.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Visitor to the District_ (_who has
missed his way_). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the
'Red Lion' inn along this road?"
_The Village Toper._ "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman
loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: QUEEN'S HOTEL, AMBLESIDE, 3 O'CLOCK, A.M.--"Tom!" (_No
response._) "I say, Tom!" (_No answer._) "Tom!" (_A muffled grunt._)
"Tom--Fire!"
"Eh? What? What do you say?"
"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"
"_No_--'t won't--Chubb!"
[_Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.--"And how did you like
Switzerland?"
"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"
"And did you go on into Italy?"
"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate
tennis-lawn, you know--quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the
whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY
_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole)._ "----
and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You
couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."
_Mrs. Malapert._ "Oh--I dare say I could!"
_The Professor._ "Really--what _are_ they?"
_Mrs. Malapert._ "Well, now--five polar bears, let us say, and--and
seven seals!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Traveller._ "Can we have beds here to-night?"
_Obliging Hostess._ "Oh, yes, sir."
_First Traveller._ "Have you--er--any--er--_insects_ in this house?"
_Obliging Hostess._ "No, sir. _But we can get you some!"_]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to her travelling companion, who has just had
his finger-nail pinched badly_). "How horrid! I always think anything
wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST
_Jones._ (_Returning to England_). "We are quite fifty miles from the
Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they
cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it
distinctly now--can't you?"
_Miss Brown_ (_from America_). "I guess it hasn't _quite_ reached me
yet, Mr. Jones!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS.--_He._ "Oh,
you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike
Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones
among them.'"
_She._ "Ah, I dare say there _may_ be two or three nice people amongst
millions!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR COUNTRYMEN ABROAD.--_Mr. Shoddy._ "_I_ always say,
Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British
snob till I am south of the Danube!"
_Mrs. Sharp_ (_innocently_). "And what do the--a--_South Danubians_ say,
Mr. Shoddy?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Waiter._ "Did you ring, Sir?"
_Traveller_ (_as a gentle hint to previous arrival_). "_Another fire_,
waiter!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mr. Smith._ "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your
husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?"
_Young American Bride._ "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I
will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be
able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNANSWERABLE
_Pompous Magnate_ (_making speech at public luncheon in provincial
town_). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the
scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in
the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."
_Cultured Neighbour_ (_in audible whisper_). "Pardon me, but the two
places are synonymous."
_P. M._ (_patronisingly_). "Ah! So _you_ may think, sir--so _you_ may
think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the
most synonymous of the two."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.--"Oh, papa! what _do_ you think?
Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."
"Hurrah! By George! that's the best piece of news I've had for a long
time."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN EPICURE.--"Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you--rubbing
your lips like that, after that dear little French girl has given you a
kiss!"
"I'm not rubbing it _out_, mammy--I'm rubbing it _in_!"]
* * * * *