(_By Our Susceptible Subscriber_)
Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.
Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from
below with an opera-glass.
Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be
poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.
Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused
to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.
Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I
travelled with from Turin.
Impressions on my feet by her sweet little _bottines_.
Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those _bottines_ too near
my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.
* * * * *
THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the _table
d'hote_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION
_Customs Official._ "Have you anything to declare?"
_Absent-minded Traveller_ (_Bridge-player, just catching last word_).
"Oh, leave it to you!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:: INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS
_Henri Dubois_ (_who can speak English_) _to his friend 'Arry Smith_
(_who can't_). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress
in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so
ungrammaticalle?"
'_Arry._ "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it,
yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a
bloomin' swell, do yer?"
_Henri._ "Voyez donc ca! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all
ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go
zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze
merchants of cheese like you and me!"
'_Arry._ "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers'
little boys go?"
_Henri._ "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"
['_Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels
bitterly towards his country._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"
_Old Gentleman._ "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and
not half sawdust?"
_Storeman._ "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never
had a complaint!"]
* * * * *
HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (_when crossing the Channel in exceptionally
rough weather_).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be
the Pacific Ocean!"
* * * * *
"THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FOREIGN HOTELS.--"WHAT!--NO SOAP!"--"Oh--er--juste
regardez ici, mademoiselle! Vous nous avez charge pour le _savon_--et
nous ne l'avons pas _use_, vous savez, car----"
"Oh, mamma! How _can_ you!"
[_Poor things! they had brought their own._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE LAST THING OUT.--Sensation created every morning at
Crevetteville-sur-Mer by Colonel F---- (of the Guards) and the lovely
Lady Magnolia D----.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.--_Ducal Butler_ (_showing art
treasures of Stilton Castle_). "The three Graces--after Canova!"
_Mrs Ramsbotham._ "How interesting! And pray, which is the _present_
Duchess?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Her Husband_ (_going on the Continent_). "Look here,
Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."
_Arabella._ "_Oui._"
_Her Husband._ "What did you say?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "EASIER SAID THAN DONE"
_Stout Traveller_ (_in the Eastern Counties_). "My lad--which is
the--quickest way--for me to get to the station?"
_Street Arab._ "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th'
tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DESPAIR!
Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and
forgotten the word that opens it.
[_Only ten minutes to dinner!_
]
* * * * *