CHRISTENINGS
ANNOUNCING THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD
When a child is born the mother and father announce the fact to their
friends by means of cards. These may be obtained in the prevailing
style from any good stationer. Sometimes only one card is sent bearing
the names of the parents and that of the child or the word, "Son" or
"Daughter" if the name has not been decided upon. Another fashion which
has become standard is the use of two cards, one somewhat larger than
the ordinary visiting card and attached to it by a tiny white ribbon
one very much smaller bearing the name of the infant. There are also
dainty and attractive cards specially designed for the occasion. While
these are not so formal as the plain white cards they are, when chosen
with discrimination, very delightful and almost as personal as a note.
Notes are usually sent only to one's most intimate friends.
RESPONDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT
Friends of the parents will, of course, hasten to congratulate them
upon their good fortune. They may send flowers, magazines, jellies,
etc., to the mother and to the youngster some little article pleasing
because of its beauty or its utility. Gifts are not necessary, however,
and a warm and sincere note expressing one's happiness at the good
fortune of the parents is quite sufficient. The note _must not be
perfunctory_. You must remember that the child of your friend is the
most wonderful infant that ever came to earth to live (and if your
private opinion is to the contrary it is best to keep it private), and
that conventional phrases are entirely inadequate. On the other hand it
will not do to gush. Simplicity and sincerity are the best means to
attain the end desired.
GODPARENTS
In the old world the selection of godparents is a very important duty
and the office of the godfather and the godmother is actual rather than
theoretical; but in this country it has a tendency to become a mere
form. This should not be the case, for it is a high tribute to a friend
to ask him to be the godfather of one's child and it is often an
excellent thing for the child. It assures him at least one friend older
than himself who has a very special interest in his welfare.
There may be four sponsors, or two, as one chooses, but in America
there are usually only two, a godfather and a godmother. Whenever
possible they should be asked in person and they should never be asked
through a formally engraved card. For the sponsors are always intimate
friends of the mother and father or relatives for whom they feel the
highest regard. It is the interest of the child that is at stake and
this should be taken into consideration by the parents before they make
their final selection.
The duties of the godparents are not onerous. They promise always to
befriend the child and at the time of the christening they present it
with a gift of some sort--jewelry, garments, carriage or toilette
accessories. They are present at the baptism, if possible, and
accompany the mother and father to the altar. The father and godfather
have little to do beyond lending the grace of their presence to the
occasion. The godmother carries the infant to the altar, resplendent in
his christening robe, and at the proper time hands it to the clergyman.
If there are no sponsors the office of the godmother at the church may
be filled by the baby's nurse or by the mother herself.
INVITATIONS TO A CHRISTENING
The christening is rarely an elaborate affair and the only guests are
relatives and close friends. If it is not too much of a tax on the
mother it is very lovely for her to write personal notes to each guest
asking him or her to be present at the ceremony. If there is to be a
considerable number present engraved cards may be dispatched. Examples
of both the formal and the informal invitation are given below:
_June 6, 19--_
_My dear Grace_,
_The baby is to be christened next Sunday at four o'clock at the
Brick Church and both Harry and I are anxious to have you present.
I think Harry Jr. would be also if he were old enough to know what
it is all about._
_Cordially yours,_
_Alice F. Duncan._
_Mr. and Mrs. Harry T. Duncan
request the pleasure of your company
at the christening of their son
on Sunday afternoon, June 6
at four o'clock
at the Brick Church_
A CHURCH CHRISTENING
If the christening is to be an occasion of great formality and
elaboration the church should be decorated, not elaborately as for a
wedding but simply and prettily with smilax and ferns and delicate
white flowers or in some other way that will indicate that the event
is for a child and not for an older person.
The child's christening robe should be simple but exquisite. He may
be brought in more gracefully if he is carried on a pillow or a
_porte-bébé_.
The mother usually wears a reception gown, hat, and gloves. The women
sponsors are similarly dressed while the masculine guests wear the
prescribed outfit for afternoon receptions, the cutaway coat, etc.,
unless the christening takes place in the summer when light flannels
may be substituted.
THE HOUSE CHRISTENING
There is very little difference between a christening that takes place
at home and one at church. The house should be decorated and a font may
be placed in the drawing-room. The mother's gown is less formal than
the one she would wear to the church but the other details are
practically the same.
AFTER THE BAPTISM
After the ceremony is over and the youngster has been duly admired and
sent back to the nursery, there may be a reception or tea or even a
dinner or breakfast, according to the time of the christening, for the
guests. If the baptism took place at church the guests may drive
immediately from there to the home, allowing the automobile containing
the mother and father to precede them by a few minutes. If it took
place at home matters are simplified, for the guests may pass into
another room or the font may be placed to one side.
If there is a breakfast or luncheon served the clergyman who performed
the ceremony is invited to be present, and whether or not it is
customary to ask a blessing he is requested to pronounce one. He enters
the dining-room with the child's grandmother, or if both grandmothers
are present, with the elder.
GIFTS
Each person who is invited to the christening is expected to remember
the infant with a gift of some sort. In view of the fact that there is
usually nothing that he needs and that he is too young to appreciate
anything, many people give for the future rather than for the present.
Sometimes a friend of the mother will give the infant daughter a silver
spoon, adding duplicates each year after on its birthday or at
Christmas until they form a complete set. Books which he will
appreciate later may be given. Money in the form of gold pieces or
checks is most appropriate and is one of the most popular of gifts.
Carriage and toilette accessories, jewelry, etc., are, of course,
suitable but one should make sure that there is an actual need for
them. Most people nowadays live in a limited amount of space with
neither a garret nor a cellar to store things in.
PART II
"_Politeness itself is always the same. The rules of etiquette which
are merely the forms in which it finds expression, vary with time and
place. A sincere regard for the rights of others, in the smallest
matters as well as the largest; genuine kindness of heart; good taste
and self command, which are the foundations of good manners, are never
out of fashion._"
--_Samuel R. Wells._
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTIONS
PURPOSE OF THE INTRODUCTION
The days of gallant cavaliers and courteous knights who bowed profusely
and doffed their feathered hats to the very ground when introduced to
ladies of the court are over. To-day, simplicity is the keynote in
introductions--as in everything else. But the significance of those
charming introductions of yore remains. We find that the introduction
of to-day is still made and acknowledged with a certain measured grace
and courtesy of manner. What it lacks in old-time picturesque gallantry
it gains in a new friendliness that is in accord with whole-hearted
warmth for which the Americans are famous.
Every day, in the social and business worlds alike, there is the
constant need of introducing people correctly. But the correct
introduction does not consist merely of making two strangers known to
each other--perhaps just temporarily. To create an immediate
friendliness between two people who have met for the first time, to do
away with all hesitancy and embarrassment, to create smooth and
pleasant conversation, to make the strangers want to continue their
acquaintance--that is the purpose of the correct introduction. And its
achievement rests entirely with the man or woman who is the medium of
introduction.
A great many people have the mistaken impression that an introduction
is meant solely to make two people known to each other for the short
time that they are in company together. The correct introduction helps
to create friendship--the kind of friendship that lasts. It is not
enough to exchange names. It is not enough to present one person to
another, and then forget about it completely. The adroit introducer
draws the strangers into conversation at once, and leads casually into
channels that he, or she, knows are of interest to both.
To introduce people correctly is an art in itself, and like any other
art, it requires constant study and practice before one becomes adept.
CREATING CONVERSATION
We have mentioned conversation as being an ideal means of establishing
immediate understanding between two strangers--or between a stranger
and a group of guests. Let us consider first the best means to employ
in creating conversation between two persons who have just been
introduced.
Elaborate manner should be avoided. Simple words and phraseology are
always most effective, especially when one's manner and tone are
sincere. Brevity is also a virtue to be developed in introducing
people. If a scientist and a student meet in your home for the first
time, the student is presented to the older man. The host or hostess
might introduce them in this manner: "Mr. Rogers, let me present Mr.
Brown, who is making a study of social science at Pennsylvania
University." Naturally, an introduction of this kind would lead
directly into a discussion on science--and both men would feel entirely
at ease in each other's company.
In introducing a gentleman to a lady, the same rule of mutual interest
for creating conversation holds true. The hostess might say, "Miss
Murray, allow me to present Mr. Smith, who stopped at the Palms last
summer just before you arrived." Of course, the young people would
immediately have something to talk about, and there would be no
strained feeling of the sort that usually follows in the wake of a poor
introduction. Or, if Mr. Smith is an author, and Miss Murray is very
fond of reading, the hostess would say, "Miss Murray, I'm sure you will
be pleased to meet Mr. Smith, who writes such charming fiction. You
remember how much we enjoyed 'The Rose Garden.'"
A great deal depends upon the strangers themselves, whether or not
conversation will move forward, but the hostess who has introduced them
skilfully has certainly given them a pleasant opening.
WHEN TO INTRODUCE
"To introduce or not to introduce?" has often puzzled men and women of
better society. It requires infinite tact, and also a certain keen
knowledge of the world, to determine just whom one should and one
should not introduce to one's friends.
This does not refer to home or private entertainments where everyone is
an invited guest. In this case, the host and hostess make whatever
introductions they deem necessary, being sure that a stranger is
carefully presented to each guest. When the reception is a large one--a
ball, for instance--the roof may serve as an introduction; that is, the
guests may take it for granted that everyone present, being an invited
guest, has already the endorsement of the hostess. Thus they may
address and converse with anyone they choose, without trespassing any
laws of good conduct.
If a lady passes two gentlemen, one of whom she knows, both raise their
hats and greet her, but no introductions are made. If he stops for a
moment--and it must be only for a very brief moment--he does not
present his companion. Street introductions are bad form unless the
little group joins forces and walks on together.
In the business world, introductions are made whenever a mutual
acquaintance or friend is present. Business introductions are governed
very largely by diplomacy, although the gentleman will make sure that
his business introduction is just as courteous and graceful as his
social introduction.
Granting that all your friends and acquaintances are of the very best
society, it is quite safe to say that you may introduce two people to
each other, or a group of people to one another, whenever you chance to
be a mutual friend. Whether or not the acquaintanceship continues
depends entirely upon the people who have been introduced. It is
certainly better form to introduce two people, even though you are in
doubt as to their similarity of character and personality, than to have
one of your friends--or several of them--feel slighted. There are few
things more unkind and discourteous than to neglect introducing
strangers to each other.
IMPORTANCE OF CARE
An awkward or haphazard introduction can not be effective. A common
fault seems to be to mumble hurriedly over names--a very bad fault,
indeed, as it leaves the strangers in ignorance as to each other's
identity. Names should be pronounced carefully and distinctly, leaving
no doubt whatever in the minds of those who are being presented to each
other. To slur over names in haste or embarrassment, is to create a
strained and uncomfortable atmosphere.
As in everything else in good society, ostentation is extremely vulgar.
Deep bows, flourishes, and forced phrases have no place in the right
sort of presentations. Brief, simple introductions, with a note of
sincere cordiality, are certainly more impressive than much elaborate
waving of hands and bowing.
SPECIAL INTRODUCTIONS
It is, of course, an established rule that a man should always be
presented to a lady. But the rule does not hold true when a lady is
presented to some gentleman of exceptionally high and distinguished
position. Thus, if a lady is presented to the President of the United
States, or to an ex-President, or prince, duke, or archduke, the
gentleman's name is mentioned first. Another exception to the rule is
when unmarried ladies are presented to important members of the clergy,
such as the bishop or archbishop; here also the gentleman's name is
mentioned first.
There is only one great exception to the rule that all unmarried women
are presented to matrons: all women, no matter whether they are young
unmarried women or elderly matrons, are introduced _to_ the wife of the
President of the United States.
There are several exceptions to the rule that all young and unmarried
men be presented to older men. First, there is the President of the
United States, to whom all men, young and old, are presented.
Similarly, a host in his own home is always mentioned first. A member
of a royal and reigning family is never presented to anyone unless it
is someone of higher royalty; all introductions are made to him. A
guest of honor at an entertainment is also given the distinction of
having all guests presented to him.
WHEN THE NAME ISN'T HEARD
It very often happens, in making introductions, that one does not quite
understand the name murmured by the one who is making the introduction.
There is absolutely no reason to become flustered and embarrassed.
Simply smile or nod in acknowledgment, and say, "I beg your pardon, I
did not catch your name." Or one might say, "I am sorry, but I did not
catch the name." Profuse apologies are not good form; in fact, they are
entirely out of place, for the fault lies completely with the man or
woman who has made the introduction. Address yourself to the stranger,
when you wish the name to be repeated, and make your request simply,
directly and with calm dignity. Do not show either by haste or
embarrassment that you are ill at ease because the name escaped you.
Many times it is the fault of the people who are being introduced that
they do not understand the names. They do not listen for them. It is
one of the secrets of social success, if there can be anything secret
about a thing so obvious, to be able to remember names correctly.
People in business realize this and salesmen devote special time to
training themselves to remember the names of their customers.
A very bad fault is to attempt to guess at a name when it is not heard
distinctly. It is perfectly correct to ask: "Did Mrs. Roberts call you
Miss Gray?" But never address the young lady as Miss Gray if you have
the least doubt as to whether or not that was the name given. Her name
may be Graham, or Grayerson! It is much wiser to ask and be correct,
than to guess and be corrected.
THE CORRECT INTRODUCTION
Let us now consider the correct forms for the general introduction. For
all ordinary occasions the simple form, "Mrs. Johns, let me present Mr.
Brown," is the best. Because it is brief, direct and simple it may be
used effectively on almost any occasion. In introducing men to women,
the woman's name is invariably spoken first, and the gentleman is
presented to her. Several phrases that are quite generally used in
social circles are: "Mrs. A, allow me to introduce Mr. B," or "Mrs. A,
Mr. B wishes to be presented to you," or "Mrs. A, may I present Mr. B?"
Such phrases as "Let me make you acquainted with" and "I want you to
shake hands with" are awkward and altogether too casual. They should
never be used.
When there is a great difference in the ages of two women, the younger
is presented to the elder. Thus, if Mrs. Brown is an elderly matron,
and Mrs. Smith is a recent bride, one would say: "Mrs. Brown, let me
present Mrs. Smith." An unmarried woman is always presented to a matron
in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, may I present Miss Jones?" or "Mrs. Brown,
this is Miss Jones." When it is hard to decide which of two married
women is older, one may give due reference to both by introducing in
this most satisfactory manner: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith;
Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown."
Similar distinctions are made in the introducing of two gentlemen.
Where there is no difference in age, title or dignity, the introduction
may be merely: "Mr. White, Mr. Jones." A young man is presented to an
older man, a bachelor to a married man. However, if the bachelor is a
venerable old gentleman, a married man is presented to him, in
deference to his age. Citizens without official distinction are
invariably presented to senators, judges, governors, etc.
When introducing a friend to one's parents it is correct to say,
"Mother, may I present Miss Smith?" or "Mother, this is Mr. Jones." The
friend is always introduced to the mother first, then to the father.
Other relatives are introduced in the order of their age and position
in the family.
In presenting a relative whose name is the same as your own it is
unnecessary to repeat the name. For instance, "Miss Daniels, do you
know my sister, Mildred?" or "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother,
Harry?" If the name is different particular pains should be taken to
pronounce it. "Miss Daniels, this is my sister, Mrs. Graham." Or, "Miss
Daniels, may I present my brother, Mr. Franklin?"
GROUP INTRODUCTIONS
It is considered bad form to interrupt a conversation to introduce a
newcomer. Always wait until the conversation has subsided before you
venture to present a stranger to a group of people.
The best way to introduce a gentleman to a group of guests is to
mention the names only, in this manner: "Mr. Jones--Miss Smith, Miss
Roberts, Mr. Frank and Mr. Brown." Or one might say, "Mr. Jones, let me
introduce you to----" and then give the names of the guests in the
group, being sure to mention the ladies first.
A lady is introduced to a group of people in the same manner. It is
indicative of bad taste to conduct a young lady around a large room and
introduce her individually to each stranger. Gentlemen should always be
taken to her to be presented to her. It is only when the young lady is
a _débutante_ or a youthful member of society that she is conducted
across a room to be presented to some elderly dowager or to the guest
of honor. It is inconsiderate to present any one person to a great
number of others all at once. It is not only embarrassing but the task
of remembering anyone of the people introduced is hopeless.
THE CHANCE INTRODUCTION
Before we go any further in the correct forms for introductions, we
will offer a word of caution that should be carefully heeded. Never
introduce people to each other unless you are quite certain that it
will be agreeable to both. For instance, if two young women of your
acquaintance have been attending the same church for several years and
yet do not greet or recognize each other, it may be assumed that they
have a reason for remaining strangers. In such a case, an introduction
could only be painful to both.
An introduction is not merely a trivial convention--a duty that must be
attended to. It is an important ceremony, the very corner-stone of
friendship. To be formally introduced is to have a certain demand on
one's future good graces and friendliness. Thus, it is bad taste to
introduce rashly and indiscriminately.
Assuming that you have no reason to believe that they do not wish to
know each other, this is the best form to employ in introducing two
young women, both of whom you meet at the same time: "Miss Jones, Miss
Smith." This form should invariably be used in making public
introductions, at church, the theater, the opera, etc. If the name of
one of the young women has been forgotten, one may say, "I'm afraid I
have forgotten your name," or "Forgive me, but I cannot recall your
name just now." As soon as the required information is given, the
introduction may proceed as above.
INCOMPLETE INTRODUCTIONS
Some careless hostesses neglect to complete introductions. This causes
embarrassment for both, or all, people concerned, and reflects
discreditably on the hostess.
Who has not heard the otherwise charming hostess greet a friend
cordially in this manner: "Oh, how-do-you-do, my dear! Let me introduce
Mrs. Allen, Mrs. Baker and Mr. Carter." The young person who has just
arrived can hardly avoid feeling a bit confused, and perhaps a bit
slighted. And the people to whom this introduction was made will
certainly feel embarrassed when they meet the stranger again and must
ask his or her name.
Another type of incomplete introduction is to draw two strangers into
conversation by saying casually: "Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Jones was at the
opera last night and heard the same pianist you heard two weeks ago."
This is hardly sufficient. The remark should have been either preceded
or followed by a _bona fide_ introduction, though the smile and
bow of the hostess as she speaks may be so cordial as to remove
whatever feeling of constraint there might have been.
The incomplete introduction is careless and unkind. The hostess is
unfair to her guests if she does not make each introduction definite
and formal, if she does not pronounce clearly the names of both people
to be presented to each other.
INDIRECT INTRODUCTIONS
The indirect introduction is entirely different from the incomplete
introduction. The former is often necessary and purposely resorted to;
the latter is invariably a mistake or the result of carelessness.
When it is desirable to draw another into conversation, then the
hostess may make an indirect introduction to avoid stiffness and
constraint. Thus, while conversing with one guest, she may turn to
another and say: "Mrs. Blank, Mrs. Smith was just telling us about the
famous picture that was brought recently to America. Have you seen it?"
The purpose of the hostess will be achieved, for the guest addressed
will join the conversation, although there has been no formal
introduction.
When two people are brought together in this manner, the question of
whether or not they continue their acquaintanceship depends entirely
upon themselves. In taking leave of each other, women who have been
only semi-introduced may nod or shake hands as they please. It is not
necessary to seek out a woman to whom one has been indirectly
introduced in order to take leave of her. If the semi-introduction is
between a man and woman, the woman must either nod first, or offer her
hand first, in leave-taking. It is the sign of her willingness to be
formally introduced.
THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT
A courteous acknowledgment is essential to every introduction. It is
not enough to chant a stilted phrase each time the hostess presents you
to a stranger. Parrot-like repetition will make you appear dull and
ordinary. But to make gracious, cordial acknowledgments is to gain the
immediate sympathy and friendliness of those to whom you have been
introduced.
The stiff formal bow is quickly losing all its prestige in the best
social circles. In its place is the warm, cordial handclasp, or the
friendly smile and inclination of the head. The bow is only acceptable
when a stranger is presented to a group of guests. And even then it
should consist merely of a nod and genial smile that includes the
entire company.
A hostess rises to receive all introductions, and offers her hand both
to men and women. But a woman guest retains her place when introduced
to a gentleman, or when she is one of a group to whom a woman guest is
presented. However, if the stranger is introduced to her individually,
she rises in acknowledgment. Other occasions that require the woman of
culture to rise are when she is being introduced to the hostess, to an
elderly or distinguished gentleman, to a guest of honor, or to an
elderly woman.
A gentleman invariably stands when introduced. If the introduction
takes place out of doors, he is expected to lift his hat and bow
slightly. When introduced to a lady, he must wait until she takes the
initiative in offering him her hand. If she does not offer her hand in
acknowledgment of the introduction, he may merely nod, lift his hat,
and offer a word or two of gracious pleasure at having been introduced
to her.
FORMS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT
The hostess extends her hand and says cordially, "I am delighted to
know you Mrs. Brown," or, "Mrs. Brown, I am most pleased to meet you."
"How do you do, Mrs. Brown," is used a great deal.
On being presented to a lady, a gentleman might say, "Delighted to know
you, Miss Jones," or "Miss Jones, I am very glad indeed to meet you."
The correct form to use when one man is introduced to another is
usually, "How do you do?" although a great many men like to use the
expression, "I'm very glad to meet you." A young woman introduced to a
matron might say, "This is a pleasure indeed, Mrs. Rogers." A gentleman
might acknowledge an introduction to a lady by saying, "I am pleased to
know you, Mrs. Jones," or simply, "How do you do, Mrs. Jones?" It is
not so much a question of what is said as of how it is said.
It happens, sometimes, that a hostess unknowingly will introduce to
each other two men, or two women, who have long been on unfriendly
terms. To ignore each other completely under such circumstances would
be a breach of good conduct, and an embarrassment to everyone
concerned. It is certainly wiser, if not more agreeable, to nod as
though one were a stranger, and later tactfully avoid the man or woman
whose company you do not wish to share.
The acknowledgment to an introduction is important. It is the first
impression the stranger gains of you, and it is your duty to make it a
good--and lasting one.
It is always best to repeat the name--in fact, the repeating of the
name is all that is necessary--since it gives an opportunity for
correction if the person to whom the introduction was made
misunderstood it. For example, when the hostess says, "Mrs. Davis, let
me present Mrs. Raymond," the ladies may bow politely, each murmuring
the name of the other.
FUTURE RECOGNITION OF INTRODUCTION
With introductions made as hurriedly and haphazardly as they are
to-day, at large receptions and balls, it is often puzzling to
determine whether or not one should greet a certain new acquaintance at
the next meeting. There are certain definite rules that may be followed
with confidence.
It is important to remember that the first intimation of recognition
after an introduction must always come from the lady. A gentleman does
not offer his hand, nor does he bow or nod to the lady he has met only
once before until she has made the first movement. The privilege of
continuing or ending the acquaintanceship rests with her.
As a general rule, one bows to all those whom one has met at dinner,
luncheon or breakfast. It is also usual to greet those with whom one
may have drunk tea at a reception, and with whom one may have played a
game of tennis or golf. Incomplete introductions require no future
recognition, unless the people introduced desire to cultivate a
friendship.
If two people are presented to each other for the second time, polite
acknowledgment must be made. It is not necessary, though often it is
pleasant, to recall a former introduction, especially if one feels sure
that the other will have no difficulty in recollecting the occasion. It
is the duty of the gentleman to recall a previous introduction. He may
say, "I think I have had the pleasure of meeting Miss Stone last week,"
or, "Miss Stone and I have already been introduced." If two ladies are
presented to each other for the second time, the younger or unmarried
one incurs the duty of recalling the first introduction. "I have
already met Mrs. Jessup," is a form that may be used on any occasion.
INTRODUCING AT DINNER
At a formal or informal dinner, the host and hostess must make all
guests known to one another before leading the company to the table. It
is neither graceful nor good form to introduce after the guests are
seated.
The secret of correct introduction at dinner is to avoid all obvious
efforts to present certain guests to one another. For instance, it is
not the best form to interrupt a conversation and draw a young man to
another part of the room to present him to a young lady. Nor is it
necessary for the hostess to incommode herself by rising, during the
course of the dinner, to greet a late-comer and make him known to the
other guests. She may merely nod to him, accept his excuse for
tardiness with a gracious smile or word of welcome, and retain all
introductions until later in the evening when the guests have assembled
in the drawing-room.
Sometimes, at a very large formal dinner, it is not possible for the
host and hostess to introduce every guest. In this case it is necessary
to introduce only the gentlemen and ladies who are to go in together to
table. Later, when the ladies gather in the drawing-room, the clever
hostess will contrive to make all her guests known to each other; and
when the gentlemen join them after their cigars, both host and hostess
may adroitly conclude the introductions. However, it is also good form
for the host to make his complete introductions while the gentlemen are
having their after-dinner smoke and chat, and for the hostess to make
her introductions in the drawing-room among the ladies. The gentlemen
may then be presented to the ladies during the course of the evening.
If there is a distinguished guest, or a guest of honor, for whom the
dinner is given, all guests must be presented to him at some time
during the evening. If the introductions cannot be completely achieved
before dinner, the host and hostess may continue them when the guests
reassemble in the drawing-room.
INTRODUCING AT THE DANCE
When a ball or dance is given in honor of a _débutante_ daughter, or
in honor of a visiting guest, the hostess, on receiving her guests,
presents them to the honored person who stands at her side. During the
course of the dance itself, the host and hostess, as well as the
members of their family, make all the introductions they can without
inconveniencing either their guests or themselves.
At a private dance the host and hostess must constantly contrive to
present gentlemen to ladies, so that there will always be new partners
for each dance. If it is a very small dance, the strictly formal
introduction is rarely performed; the girls introduce their partners to
their particular friends, and the young men present their friends to
their partners without asking permission to do so.
At a very large, formal ball or dance, it is good form to ask
permission of a lady before presenting a gentleman to her. It is
certainly the safest and most satisfactory way, and reflects good taste
and courtesy both on the part of the gentleman who wishes to be
introduced and the gentleman who is the medium of introduction.
The gentleman who escorts a lady to a dance has a very distinct duty
with regard to introductions. He must present to her, at various
intervals during the dance, as many of his masculine friends as he
feels she would welcome as partners. At a public ball, he invariably
asks her permission to make these introductions, as he does also at a
very large formal ball. But if the young lady is a friend of long
standing, and his own comrades personal friends for whom he can vouch,
it is not necessary to request formally the lady's permission before
making the introductions.
At public balls, the reception committee presents each guest to the
guest of honor. If there is no guest of honor, the committee merely
welcomes the guests, and leaves the duty of introduction to chaperons
and escorts. Patronesses and reception committees are not obligated in
any way to make introductions at subscriptions or public balls, though
it often helps to make the affair more pleasant when they take part in
presentations.
INTRODUCING AT RECEPTIONS
The hostess of an afternoon or evening reception presents each guest
who arrives to the guest of honor or _débutante_ daughter, who
stands at her side and receives with her. She may not leave her post at
the door to make introductions, but she may present as many guests to
one another as is possible without leaving her place.
The wise hostess always has several feminine members of her family to
assist her in making guests known to one another. These young women may
introduce any strangers in the company. The ladies in charge of the
refreshments in the dining room may also speak without introduction to
guests of either sex, in order to offer tea, chocolate or bonbons. They
are privileged to make introductions whenever it is in their power to
do so.
A committee is usually appointed to receive the guests at a public
reception. The committee, or part of it, stands by the door to receive
each guest formally, and introductions are made merely by having a
liveried servant announce the name in a loud, clear voice. The guest
bows to the committee, and considers himself introduced. Then the
committee may be addressed by the stranger who desires further
introductions to other guests. It is important, at these public
receptions that the committee in charge perform as nearly as possible
the duty of host and hostess.
SPEAKING WITHOUT INTRODUCTION
Some people who pride themselves upon being well-bred make themselves
appear actually ludicrous by being highly indignant when addressed by
someone to whom they have not been introduced. Surely in this world of
good-fellowship and open-hearted friendliness it is ridiculous to seal
one's mouth and be aloof, merely because one has not been formally
presented!
There is, for instance, the gentleman one sits next to on the steamer
deck. A lady, of course, may not on any condition address a gentleman
whom she does not know, nor may a gentleman address a lady who is a
stranger to him. But when two men are sitting side-by-side on a steamer
deck, both glorying in the solemn dignity of the sea, and the wide
expanse of sky, it would be petty indeed to refrain from conversation.
If a friendship is to be developed later, a formal introduction may be
sought; but for the present, though they have never been presented to
each other, the men may enjoy a conversation without feeling that they
are trespassing beyond the boundaries of etiquette.
Similarly, the lady traveling across country may comment upon the
splendid open stretches of country, the hazy impressiveness of the
mountains in the distance and the surprising beauty of the train's
smoke against the azure sky, to the lady sitting opposite her, even
though they have never been introduced. And they may carry on quite a
delightful conversation without being formally presented to each other.
There can be nothing quite as shallow as refusing to answer, or
answering coldly, the person who addresses you in a spirit of
friendliness, merely because there have been no formal introductions.
One must have vision enough to see that what is correct in the ballroom
would be strained and narrow in the shadow of the huge mountains where
men and women of every social standing gather to enjoy the same
glorious bigness of things.
INTRODUCING CHILDREN
It is important for children to be taught early the significance and
value of formal introductions. But parents must carefully avoid all
suggestion of snobbishness in their young sons and daughters. There is
an amusing story related of a certain little English lad who was
visiting in America with his father, who happened to be a member of the
House of Lords. The youngster had a well developed case of
snobbishness.
At an afternoon reception given in honor of his father, the boy was
introduced to several young Americans, invited especially for his
benefit. During the course of the afternoon, the hostess noticed that
he was sitting off to one side, avoiding the other young guests. When
she spoke to him about it, and asked him why he didn't join the other
young people, he remarked stiffly: "In England, the son of a member of
the House of Lords does not associate with commoners!" While the father
crimsoned, the little American guests laughed in amusement. And a
newspaper correspondent who was present enjoyed the humor of the
situation so keenly that he devoted a whole column to it.
A well-bred child introduces his or her small friend to older persons
by saying, "Mrs. Thompson, this is my sister Ray," or, "Mother, may I
present my schoolmate, Bob, to you?" Children should be taught not to
use stilted, unnatural phrases. Their introductions should be easy and
natural. A child introducing his young cousin to a friend would say,
"Bob, this is my cousin, Ralph." When introduced to an adult, the
properly trained child waits for the elder to speak first. If some
expression of pleasure at the meeting is made, the child may say,
"Thank you, Mrs. Anderson."
A parent would introduce her daughter in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, this
is my little daughter Anne," or, "Mrs. Brown, my boy John wishes to be
presented to you." Children should be introduced to each other in a
casual way for strained introductions cause them to feel ill at ease in
one another's company. "Harry, this is John Brown. I am sure you will
enjoy hearing all about his new pony," or, "Mary, Bob wants to tell you
about something funny that happened at school the other day." The
simple expression, "How do you do," is always best for children who are
acknowledging introductions.
CORDIALITY IN INTRODUCTIONS
With the passing of the ridiculous half-finger handshake, with the arm
extended upward and the wrist bent awkwardly, introductions have become
more cordial and sincere. Which is entirely as it should be. Too many
people go through the ceremony of an introduction merely as a matter of
duty, without realizing its portent in the matter of friendship and
future acquaintance.
We have all met the man or woman who nods stiffly in acknowledgment of
an introduction, and offers some stereotyped expression of welcome. And
we have all met the man or woman who smiles warmly, offers a sincere
handclasp, and acknowledges the introduction so cordially that one
feels entirely at ease. In the latter case, a brief acquaintance
usually ripens into friendship, while in the former instance, one is
inclined to forget promptly the one to whom the introduction has been
made.
The next time you are introduced to a stranger, smile sincerely, make
your handclasp warm and firm, put cordiality into your welcome and see
how your new acquaintance responds! The correct introduction alone is
not the corner-stone of friendship; but the correct introduction that
is also cordial opens the door to friendships that perhaps are sealed
to every other effort.
Whether you are making an introduction or acknowledging one, be sure
that it is both correct and cordial.
CHAPTER II
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION
THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION
Letters of introduction should be drawn only on relatives, or on very
close friends. It is not considered entirely ethical to introduce by a
letter an individual of whom the writer knows very little, or toward
whom the writer is not especially friendly. It is also scarcely good
form to ask for a letter of introduction; the truly cultured person
will depend upon the kind impulses of a friend or relative to recognize
the need for such presentation.
Care should be exerted in the issuing of these letters. Some people,
because they have not sufficient willpower to refuse a direct request,
will issue such a letter to a person whom they hardly know, and for
whose character they cannot vouch. Thus they are forced to send a
private letter to the person to whom the letter of introduction is
addressed, explaining that the stranger is really not very well known
to them, and that perhaps the hostess had better find out more about
him, or her. This always causes an embarrassing and uncomfortable
situation; it is always better to refuse frankly, unless one knows the
man or woman and is willing to endorse him heartily and sincerely.
A letter of introduction should be brief, concise and free from matters
of personal or private interest. If the bearer of the letter is in
mourning, or has suffered some recent grief or loss, or if he is the
victim of unhappy circumstances or peculiar prejudices, a private
letter should be sent to the person to whom the letter is addressed,
explaining the situation. This does not hold true when the stranger has
some special mission to perform; in this case, the explanation is
written directly in the original letter of introduction.
A note of introduction rarely covers more than a page or a page and a
half of medium-size note paper, and it should be confined strictly to
the presentation of the person in whose behalf it is written. Nothing
irrelevant, such as inquiry regarding the health of certain people of
mutual acquaintance, or of domestic interest, should be included. The
letter is placed in an unsealed envelope.
PRESENTING THE LETTER
Usually letters of introduction are not presented in person, but sent
with the card of the man or woman to be introduced. This relieves the
ceremony of that awkwardness which usually follows when someone
presents a letter of introduction and waits while it is being read. If
one does not wish to send it through the mails, the letter may be left
with one's card at the door of the one to whom it is addressed.
When the letter of introduction is from a gentleman to a lady, or
rather when the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, he invariably
calls in the afternoon and sends up the letter with his card. If the
lady is not at home, he may slip the card into the same envelope as the
letter, and leave it with the servant to be delivered. A gentleman also
calls to present a letter of introduction to a member of his own sex.
A woman who wishes to present a letter of introduction to another
woman, calls personally and leaves the letter with her own card, or
slips her card into the envelope, seals it, and sends it through the
mails. Either method of presentation is correct. However, when the
letter is addressed to a gentleman, she does not call, unless it is
some very special and unusual occasion, but trusts the letter to the
mails for safe delivery.
ACKNOWLEDGING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION
A letter of introduction requires immediate recognition in some form.
Either a call or an invitation should be made within three or four
days. If it is impossible to honor a letter of introduction by the
usual form of visiting or entertaining then it is absolutely essential
that a prompt and adequate explanation should be written to the author
and bearer of the letter.
Ordinarily, when the bearer of a letter of introduction is a woman, a
call is made within three days. This call is followed by the offer of
some hospitality, usually a luncheon or tea. A gentleman calls upon a
lady or upon another gentleman as soon as he receives a letter of
introduction. But a lady, instead of making a call, sends an invitation
to the gentleman who is introduced to her by means of a letter.
Any delay in acknowledging a letter of introduction is uncivil, both to
the person who wrote the letter and the one being introduced. If one is
invalided, a short note should be written explaining why a call cannot
be made, and arranging for a meeting as early as circumstances permit.
But to wait a week or two before acknowledging a letter of
introduction, and then writing to explain, is to show lack of good
breeding and ignorance of the laws of good conduct.
It is a mark of courtesy to write to the person who brought about the
acquaintance with a new friend by means of a letter of introduction,
thanking him or her for the note that inspired the friendship.
MODEL LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION
A letter of introduction should be simple and to the point. It should
also be friendly, cordial and explanatory. It is placed in a single
envelope, unsealed, with the full name and address of the person to
whom the bearer is introduced. Here are some letters that are offered
merely as suggestions. Of course they may be changed and added to, to
meet certain conditions:
_New Haven, Conn.,
March 4, 19--_
_My dear Mrs. Brown:_
_This will introduce to you Miss Rose Johnson of Camden, New
Jersey, who intends staying in your charming city during December
and January._
_I have known Miss Johnson for three years, and feel sure that
you will find pleasure in her company._
_With warmest personal regards, I am_
_Sincerely yours,_
_Margaret F. Dowe._
_New York, N.Y.,
April 4, 19--_
_Dear Travers:_
_The bearer of this note, Mr. Robert Duncan, of Chicago, plans to
be in your town for two months. Besides being a personal friend of
mine, he is the advertising manager of the Goodfield Company in Los
Angeles, and knowing as I do how interested you are in advertising,
I feel that you would like to know him._
_You will find him good company everywhere, I think, for he not
only talks entertainingly but he plays tennis and golf and bridge
and plays them well. I hope that you will be able to help him enjoy
his stay in Madison._
_With kindest regards to Mrs. Travers, I am_
_Cordially yours,_
_Bob Westely._
_Baltimore, Md.,
Oct. 19, 19--_
_My dear Mrs. Rowell:_
_It gives me great pleasure to present to you Mr. Raymond Gordon,
the bearer of this note, with whom I have been associated in
business and socially for many years. Business takes him to
Baltimore, where he is an entire stranger. I will personally
appreciate any kindness you may show him during his stay there._
_Yours most sincerely,_
_Robert S. Balfour._
THE CARD OF INTRODUCTION
Very often a card of introduction, instead of a letter, is issued. The
letter is preferred in the case of special friends, as it conveys a
certain courtesy that the strictly formal card lacks. Yet the card is
no less powerful an agent in soliciting and securing civilities for a
man or woman in a strange town. Its place is in the business rather
than the social world, where often it is the means of securing an
interview which it would be almost impossible to get without some kind
of endorsement.
The card of introduction consists merely of a visiting card with the
name of the person to be introduced written above that of the sender. A
card so prepared should be placed in a card envelope, left unsealed,
and addressed to the person to whom the introduction is to be made. The
words which appear at the top of the card are written also at the
extreme bottom of the envelope, either below the address or in the
left-hand corner.
Here is a typical visiting card, inscribed correctly with the name and
address of the medium of introduction, and bearing the correct
introduction above the name:
_Introducing Miss Rose M. Roberts_
Mr. Charles Hanson Morton
28 West 18th St.
BUSINESS INTRODUCTIONS
The man who values his good name among his business associates will not
give letters of introduction indiscriminately. There are no special
rules governing such letters in the business world beyond those of the
social world. It is very annoying to a busy man to have to interrupt
his work to make himself agreeable to all sorts and conditions of men
who may come bearing missives which give them entrance. People should
remember this in giving letters of introduction and should absolutely
refuse unless they feel sure that something of mutual benefit may arise
from the meeting. To give a letter of introduction for the same reason
that one sometimes buys goods of a persistent agent--to get rid of
him--is a very poor way out of the difficulty.
It is permissible to ask for a letter of introduction to a business man
if the person from whom it is requested is a good friend and the person
who asks for it has an excellent reason for doing so. Of course it is
much better when the letter comes as a free-will offering, for there is
no possibility of having to meet with a refusal. A refusal to grant a
letter should not anger the person who asked for it, and the person who
feels compelled to deny the request should give a courteous
reason--there is usually such a reason--for doing so.
CHAPTER III
CALLS AND CALLING CUSTOMS
THE BEGINNING OF SOCIAL CALLS
The origin of the "social" call dates from the Stone Age, when the head
of a family used to leave a roughly carved block of stone at the door
of another, as an expression of good-will and friendship. The most
marked development in calls and visiting is traced among the Orientals,
and especially the Chinese. In China, even to-day, the social call is
practically a sacred ceremony, and it is only the very lowest coolie
who does not pay regular calls upon his friends and neighbors.
It is contrary to the American ideal to develop or encourage highly
complicated social ceremonies, and even the most formal call in this
country to-day is simply a meeting of good friends. With the rush of
modern life and the multitudinous opportunities which it offers for
diversion and instruction there is a tendency to neglect one's social
calls. It is a great pity, for nothing is quite so precious as one's
friends, and was it not Emerson who said, "Go often to the house of thy
friend for weeds choke the unused path"?
WHEN CALLS ARE MADE
In the city, formal calls are made between four and six o'clock in the
afternoon. Morning calls are considered informal in the city; they are
made only to transact business, or by special appointment. Only a very
intimate friend is privileged to call in the morning merely for social
purposes.
[Illustration: © Brown Bros.
AN ALTAR FOR A HOME WEDDING
A similar plan of decoration may be used effectively in a much less
pretentious home.]
Women rarely call in the evening, unless it is a friendly informal
visit. Men may make formal evening visits both in the city and country.
In the city they may call as early as eight o'clock or as late as
half-past nine. It is not in good taste to call very late in the
evening, especially in the country where the retiring hour is early. It
is perfectly correct for a woman who is at business during the day to
pay her calls during the early part of the evening.
Morning calls in the country may be made between half-past ten and one
o'clock. Both men and women should observe these hours. It is only in
the centers of formal and fashionable society, where luncheon is
usually served at one o'clock that morning calls are reserved for
occasions of business.
When a call is paid for the purpose of condolence, or of inquiring
after a sick friend, no special hour need be observed, as the caller
rarely advances beyond the threshold of the front door. Before calling
on a friend in a hospital one should ascertain the hours during which
visitors are allowed.
THE PROPER LENGTH OF A CALL
Never prolong a call until it becomes a relief to depart--both for you
and your hostess. This is not irrelevant, nor is it too severe. There
are many people who do not know when to depart, and simply because they
are afraid of leaving too early and offending the hostess, they prolong
the visit unduly and depend upon gossip and forced conversation to pass
the time. It is not good taste to make a call that lasts ten minutes;
but it is certainly no better to make one that lasts three hours.
When a first and formal call is paid, fifteen or twenty minutes is the
usual time for exchanging civilities, and for making a graceful exit.
The ordinary formal call may be extended from a quarter to
three-quarters of an hour. A friendly call may be continued an hour,
and sometimes an hour and a half.
Calls of inquiry, condolence and information should never be prolonged
longer than is required to obtain the information required. Calls of
condolence should be made especially short, as it is a mark of
inconsideration to force oneself on a hostess who is suffering a recent
bereavement.
THE DAY AT HOME
Calls should always be paid on the hostess' day at home, if possible.
It is always more complimentary and considerate to observe a day at
home than to call on an afternoon when the hostess does not expect you.
In large cities and fashionable circles, it is customary for every
hostess to issue at-home cards, giving the day and hour, or just the
day, when she will be at home to visitors. These are issued to all her
friends and acquaintances and they are expected to make their social
calls, calls of congratulation, calls of appreciation--all calls except
those that have to do with business--on that afternoon.
Sunday calls are now considered informal. In small towns and country
neighborhoods they may be made after church or in the evening, but in
large cities formal visits are rarely made on Sunday. Here again men
(and business women) enjoy a special privilege; they may make their
formal calls any afternoon or evening of the week, Sunday not excepted.
Perhaps this is only fair, as the American man, and many of the
American women, have their mornings and afternoons completely absorbed
by the exactions of their business.
DRESS FOR CALLS
In making business calls a woman should wear street dress of the most
simple and conservative type. For her social calls also she should wear
street attire, but it need not be so severe as for business purposes.
Especially if she is to go by public conveyance she should be careful
not to make herself conspicuous by her dress. The hostess is always
more or less informally dressed unless her at home takes on the
proportions of a reception, in which case she wears an elaborate
reception gown.
Men seldom pay calls, and when they do, for the most part, they wear
ordinary business suits unless the occasion is one of importance.
Formal evening calls require formal evening dress.
PAYING THE FIRST CALL
In the country, all newcomers wait until they are called upon before
calling or leaving cards. Formerly, calls were paid only upon those
newcomers who were in one's immediate neighborhood, but now motoring
has greatly increased the area of visiting. Thus, when a newcomer
builds or rents a home within easy motoring distance, one must feel
obligated to call and leave cards.
Brides also wait to receive first calls. Neighbors and friends are
expected to call and leave cards immediately upon the return from the
honeymoon. It is the particular duty of all wedding guests to call
promptly as soon as the bride announces her return.
When a lady comes to visit a friend in another town, it is the duty of
all friends of the hostess to make the first call. It is also the rule
for women who have been entertained in a friend's house in the country
to be the first to call on that friend immediately upon her return to
town. Where there is no indebtedness of this kind and when two women
arrive home from their respective summer vacations at about the same
time, it is customary for the younger to make the first call upon the
older.
The matter of paying the first call is often a very delicate one.
Frequently sensitive people are offended by some unconscious slight on
the part of a friend. The following rules will help those who are in
doubt, and who are anxious to follow the correct usage, and thus avoid
blunders that may result in broken friendships.
An unmarried woman always pays the first call of the season upon a
matron. The elder of two women is entitled to the first visit. This
same rule holds true among men, when the question of the formal call
arises. In large cities, when the recognized winter period for
exchanging formal calls opens, very little attention is paid to the
matter of the first calls of the season. It is usually dependent upon
convenience and inclination of individuals, and upon the settling of an
at-home day. Sometimes women who are exceptionally punctilious make
their first calls with reference to courtesies extended or received in
the foregoing season. Thus, they refer to their calling lists of the
preceding winter, in deciding on whom to make the first calls. However,
this is entirely in the hands of the individual.
CALLS OF OBLIGATION
There are certain obligatory calls that must be made, if one wishes to
be in accord with the laws of etiquette. These are sometimes referred
to as "duty calls." For instance, it is essential for all wedding
guests, bridesmaids, ushers, and for the best man, maid of honor and
matron of honor to call on the bride's mother within three weeks after
her daughter's wedding. They must also call upon the bride as soon as
she returns from her honeymoon. If the wedding was held at the home of
a sister or other relative, the call is made to the lady who acted in
the capacity of hostess. The guests at a home wedding, wedding
reception or breakfast, are also obligated to call on the bride's
mother, and on the bride herself, in due course.
It is distinctly important for all guests, both men and women, at a
formal dinner to call upon the hostess within two or, at the most,
three weeks after the dinner. This holds true even if the invitation
was not accepted. The dinner call should be paid promptly; if a man or
woman who has not accepted an invitation to dinner does not call within
three weeks, the hostess has every reason to believe that he, or she,
does not desire her friendship and hospitality. This same holds true of
balls, suppers, parties and receptions. Not to accept an invitation,
and not to call, is a gross incivility and reflects upon the good
manners of the person who has neglected to make the obligatory call.
Duty calls are necessary after formal luncheons or breakfasts, and
after musicales, theater parties, opera parties, garden parties, and
after attending a christening. Such a call should be made within the
two weeks following the event.
Other obligatory calls are made both before and after a funeral. The
first call is merely a matter of card-leaving, unless one is an
intimate friend of the bereaved family. After the funeral a call of
condolence should be made.
A hostess who follows the laws of good society to the letter,
invariably calls on a new acquaintance before offering her any
hospitality, or before issuing any invitations to her. Other calls that
are a matter of obligation are those of inquiry regarding a friend's
health, of congratulation to parents on the birth of a child, and of
congratulation to the young lady who has announced her engagement. All
these calls are social necessities, and the man or woman who is
well-bred never neglects them.
ABOUT RETURNING CALLS
It is of the utmost importance that calls be promptly returned. But
perhaps the most exacting of all is the first call. To neglect to
return it within two weeks, or three at the most, or to explain by
letter why it cannot be returned, is to indicate tacitly that the
caller's friendship is not desired. This, of course, is an extremely
rude and inconsiderate method to choose, if one really does not desire
to cultivate a certain friendship, for there are many gracious and less
unkind means to employ.
A bride, or a visitor in a neighborhood, or a newcomer to a town,
should not let more than ten days, or at the most two weeks, elapse
before returning the civilities of their new neighbors. The first call
of a new acquaintance should be just as promptly returned. After the
first call is returned, it depends upon the individuals concerned
whether a friendship shall be developed, or whether a "calling
acquaintance" shall be kept up. (The expression "calling acquaintance"
is used to indicate the custom of ladies calling upon each other once
or twice during the year as a social duty, rather than as a means of
developing friendship.)
When calls are exchanged only once in twelve months it is an indication
that only a purely formal acquaintance exists between two people. But
when two women are friends, they may exchange calls at intervals of
three weeks or a month, and sometimes very dear friends exchange calls
every week. However, in this latter case the calls are more or less
informal.
Calls of condolence, sympathy, inquiry and congratulation are usually
answered by sending cards or brief notes to the callers. Later, on
issuing from mourning, or on recovery of health, the calls of
condolence and inquiry may be returned, but it is not entirely
necessary, and depends largely upon the convenience and individual
desire of the person on whom the call was made.
When a hostess is asked to invite the friends of her friends to a
reception at her home, she is not obligated to return their "calls of
duty." Nor does a woman return any of the calls, formal or informal, of
her gentlemen acquaintances. When one woman receives a call from
another woman who bears a letter of introduction, a return call must be
made promptly, or a letter of explanation written within two weeks
after the day of the first call. The same rule is observed between men.
THE CALL OF CONDOLENCE
It should be remembered that no hasty intrusions should ever be made
upon grief. It shows lack of good taste and extreme inconsideration.
Only intimate friends of a bereaved family, or of one member of that
family, call for any length of time. Others merely leave their cards
with cordial inquiries regarding the health and spirits of the members
of the family.
They may forward a box of flowers, including their personal card in the
box, instead of calling to leave a card in person. But when the formal
call of condolence is made, ten days or two weeks after the funeral,
the intimate friends of the family should be careful to avoid all
subjects that would cause pain to the bereaved ones. They should not,
unless gifted with rare tact, make any reference to the death but
should rather speak of cheerful things. However, it may be necessary to
give some word of sympathy either upon greeting or departure. A tactful
way to greet a sorrowing person is to say simply, "I have called to
assure you of my sympathy." The subject should then be dropped and
other matters discussed.
On departure a word of cheer and sympathy, and a hearty warm hand-clasp
go a long way towards helping matters.
Calls of condolence should be brief. It is poor form to remain longer
than fifteen minutes, unless one is a particularly intimate friend and
able to relieve the intensity of grief by his or her presence. If the
person called upon feels the loss so poignantly that he or she cannot
be composed, it is far better to leave a cordial note at the door
asking to be excused from all callers, than to greet them and cause
embarrassment by a display of emotion. Persons in affliction often
prefer to be alone, and the intrusion of anyone except their very
dearest friends causes fresh grief.
THE CALL OF CONGRATULATION AND INQUIRY
Calls of congratulation are warranted only by intimacy or by friendship
of long standing. After the birth of a child, feminine friends of the
mother incur the duty of calling upon her and leaving inquiries about
her own and her child's health, along with the customary
congratulations. Friends of the young lady who announces her engagement
are expected to call and offer congratulations. This call is usually
made between ten days and two weeks after the announcement is received.
Married women who are friends of the young woman's mother also call to
make their congratulations.
Calls of inquiry are made during the illness or convalescence of a
friend or acquaintance. Sometimes these calls are made after a fire or
accident, or after some several financial loss or other disaster.
Extreme tact is needed in paying such calls. The call itself assumes no
greater proportions than that merely of doorstep card-leaving, yet it
is an expression of genuine sympathy and a desire to show that
friendship will be continued no matter what happens. The chapter
devoted to visiting cards contains several model cards of inquiry that
can be used on the various occasions mentioned.
THE SOCIAL CALLS OF MEN
Gentlemen of good society usually devote Sunday afternoons and evenings
to their formal visits. Weekday evenings are also often given over to
the same purpose. The gentleman who calls upon a lady shows good taste
and consideration by selecting her day at home.
A man is expected to make calls of condolence, inquiry and
congratulation upon all his intimate friends, men and women. He is also
expected to pay a call promptly upon a hostess who has entertained him
either at dinner or a dance. However, he may not call again unless he
is invited to do so by the hostess. A bachelor residing in a new
neighborhood is expected to return all first calls made upon him, but
he has the privilege of requesting a sister or woman relative living
with him to make the return call in his name.
When introduced to a gentleman by means of a letter of introduction
from a mutual friend, it is essential that the recipient return the
call within three days. This holds true also if it is a lady who
presents the letter of introduction. Gentlemen who are invited to
balls, dinners, theater parties, garden parties, etc., are expected to
make calls within ten days or two weeks, even though they do not accept
the invitation.
THE INVALID'S CALL
An invalid may return calls by sending a daughter or a close friend in
her stead. A sister may also make calls for an invalided woman. When a
member of society is an invalid, with no daughters or sisters, and with
no very intimate friends, she may issue cards or notes through the
mails if she wishes to keep up her social activities.
A daughter of an invalid calls upon all her mother's friends,
introduces herself, and explains why she is appearing in her mother's
place. Or she may just leave her mother's card, with her own name and a
word of explanation written above it. The latter method is undoubtedly
the most satisfactory.
A person who is invalided temporarily may send cards in answer to the
courtesies of friends or she may allow her daughter to assume her
social responsibilities. Usually because of the heavy demands which
society places upon one she goes back to her round of calls, teas,
receptions, etc., gradually rather than all at once. Friends are always
considerate under such circumstances and etiquette never exacts more
than one can possibly do.
ASKING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE TO CALL
You cannot, except under special conditions, invite people to your home
unless you have called on them in formal manner and they have returned
the visit. A young woman, and an unmarried woman, wait for an
invitation to call from an older woman and matron. It is not advisable
for a young woman to ask a gentleman to call until she has met him
several times and is quite sure that she wishes to develop his
friendship. A woman never calls upon a gentleman except on a business
mission, in which case she may not discuss social or domestic topics. A
married woman does not leave a card for an unmarried man unless she has
been to a reception at his house; then she leaves one of her own cards
with one of her husband's.
It is expected of a young matron or of a _débutante_ that she request
being permitted to call upon an elderly matron or old lady after the
two have met at a watering-place or in the home of a mutual friend, and
after having exchanged cards. A gentleman who wishes to call upon a
young girl he admires, first asks permission of the lady's mother,
being quite certain, of course, that his visit would be agreeable to
the young lady herself. To ask permission of the mother is to convey a
very distinct compliment to both women, and reflects culture and
breeding upon the character of the young man himself.
When asking a gentleman to call it is sufficient to say, "Mother and I
will be at home Wednesday at three o'clock, Mr. Blank. I hope you will
come to see us," or, "I should be very glad to have you visit me, Mr.
Blank. Mother and I are usually at home in the evenings."
In some sections of the country it is customary for the gentleman to
ask permission to call upon a young lady, rather than for the young
lady to request him to call. He may say, "Miss Blank, I hope I may call
on you sometime before very long," or "I would like to call upon you at
your home, Miss Blank. May I call some evening when you and your mother
are at home?"
THE WOMAN'S BUSINESS CALL
A woman may call on a man only for business purposes. In this case the
man is usually her clergyman, editor, lawyer, physician or merchant,
and the call is made during office hours.
The woman who is making a business call does not usually send in a
visiting card, but merely gives her name to the attendant. She states
her business briefly, remembering to avoid all personal, social or
domestic topics not essential to the furtherance of the matter in hand.
If it is necessary for a woman to call upon a man at his home, she must
be accompanied by a male relative, or by a woman older than herself.
This holds true only when she is entirely unacquainted with the members
of the man's family, and is only acquainted with the man himself
through business interests. She does not send up her cards, merely her
name, and she makes her visit as short as possible. When a woman calls
at a bachelor apartment or at a gentleman's studio it is an
unimpeachable law of etiquette that she be correctly chaperoned.
Etiquette also bars a woman from visiting a gentleman's club, even for
the purpose of seeing her husband.
The lady who has been entertained at the home of a gentleman may drive
to his door and send up her card. But she never enters his home for a
social visit.
RECEIVING CALLS
The day at home is devoted exclusively to the receiving and
entertaining of callers. This day at home is decided by the hostess at
the beginning of the season; one day each week, or one day in every two
weeks, is set apart for receiving calls.
The hostess should be ready to receive her first call by a few minutes
before three o'clock. She may, if she wishes, specify a certain hour
for calling on her at-home card, but if she prefers to leave the hour
open, she should be prepared to greet her guests from three o'clock in
the afternoon until a little before half-past five.
There are three methods that may be employed in announcing a caller.
The method you choose should be governed by what you can afford and by
what is most convenient for you. The most formal and effective plan is
to have a full-liveried butler at the door to lead each guest to the
drawing-room, and then announce his or her name to the hostess. Or a
servant may be at the door to offer each visitor a small silver tray,
on which to place his or her card. The most simple method is to place a
large tray in the hall, preferably on a small table that is
conspicuously situated, and into this the cards of the callers may be
cast as they pass into the drawing-room. It should be remembered that a
maid-servant never announces callers, but only offers them a card-tray
and helps them with their wraps.
The caller at an apartment house should first have the hall boy
telephone up to the hostess--unless the caller is expected--to know if
she is at home. It is not permissible except among very intimate
friends to go up unannounced.
The hostess should always prepare some sort of refreshment for her
guests on the day at home. In winter, tea or hot chocolate may be
served with wafers or cake. Sometimes light sandwiches and bonbons are
served on the day at home. In the warm summer months, if calls are
made, the visitors may be refreshed with iced tea, chocolate or punch.
DUTIES OF THE HOSTESS
On her day at home, the hostess makes every effort to make her callers
feel that she is glad to have them. She rises as each new guest makes
his or her appearance, steps forward and offers her hand in greeting.
The expressions, "How do you do, Mrs. Brown," and "I am delighted to
see you, Mr. Gray," are effective phrases of greeting. It is her
important duty to make general introductions, and to give some special
attention to each caller as he or she arrives, drawing him into
conversation with the others before leaving him to greet another
newcomer.
If the rooms are warm, the hostess may invite a feminine caller to
remove her wraps, but she must not assume this privilege with the
gentleman. She usually serves tea or chocolate herself, but if there
are many guests, she may ask one or two friends to assist her. It is
poor hospitality to insist upon replenishing a cup of tea after a guest
has declined with thanks.
RECEIVING THE CHANCE CALLER
It is not always very convenient to entertain chance callers,
especially if one has some important business or appointment to attend
to. But when the servant at the door has admitted that her mistress is
at home, the hostess should exert every effort to make good the
servant's assurance. She must not keep the caller waiting, nor must she
ask to be excused after the caller has been admitted. If important
business claims her time, she may come to the drawing-room and after
welcoming the visitor, explain the situation and ask to be excused. By
no means may she send a written or verbal excuse by messenger. Having
been admitted, the presence of the hostess is demanded if it is for no
other reason than to offer an excuse.
If the hostess has no pressing business duties or appointments to which
to attend, it is her duty to afford every hospitality to the chance
caller. If the call is made in the afternoon, and if the hostess
ordinarily serves tea at that hour, she may serve tea, chocolate or
punch with cake or wafers.
When the caller is a gentleman, and the hostess a young lady, it is
proper to call one's mother or chaperon into the drawing-room to make
the correct introduction, or if the visitor is already known, to
welcome him. A young lady who is well-bred does not entertain gentlemen
until they have been welcomed by her mother.
When two chance callers arrive at the same time, the hostess is, of
course, under obligation to make the necessary introductions.
WHEN THE HOST IS AT HOME
It is not very often that the host is present at his wife's day at
home, for the very good reason that business claims all his time during
the day. But there is no reason why he should not be present if he
desires to and if it is convenient for him.
The duty of any masculine member of a family appearing in the
drawing-room on the day at home--whether it be husband, son or
brother--is to share in the honors and obligations of the occasion. He
will be introduced to those visitors with whom he is not already
acquainted, by his wife or sister, as the case may be; and he is
expected to assist in entertaining, pass the cups, make introductions,
accompany departing guests to the door and join in the conversations.
When it can be arranged it is most delightful for the husband and wife
to receive their friends together. For this reason even formal society
is lenient with regard to time and Sundays may be utilized for "at
homes," teas, or receptions.
TAKING LEAVE OF THE HOSTESS
The hostess is not expected to accompany her departing guests to the
door when there are others still in the room to claim her attention.
However, it is only a matter of genuine friendliness and politeness to
accompany each departing guest as far as the drawing-room door. This
rule does not hold true when one of the guests is infirm, or when the
hostess is entertaining a very distinguished visitor. But ordinarily,
it is all-sufficient to rise when a guest moves to depart, offer one's
hand in cordial farewell, and say, "Good afternoon, Miss Cary. So good
of you to come," or, "Good-by, Mrs. Blank, I hope to hear some more
about that wonderful trip to East India."
The hostess continues to stand until the guest turns to pass out of the
room. If the guest is a woman, it is a mark of extreme politeness to
remain standing until she has left the room entirely. When all the
guests have departed, the hostess usually accompanies the last visitor
to the hall door; and if it is a special friend, she is privileged to
accompany her to the very street door. However, the hostess must be
careful not to extend any special courtesies to an intimate friend
while other guests are present, nor may she draw a visitor aside to
converse in an undertone about some private or personal affair.
On rising to depart, a caller seeks out the hostess and bids her a
formal adieu. Prolonged farewells are not the best taste, for they keep
the hostess standing and distracted when there are others who are
entitled to her time and attention. As soon as one intimates that he or
she wishes to depart, a quick but cordial farewell should be taken and
the departure made as soon as possible. To bow oneself out of the
drawing-room is a foreign and wholly undemocratic custom which no
well-bred man or woman recognizes. A slight inclination of the head, a
cordial good-afternoon to the guests, and a formal farewell to the
hostess should be followed by immediate leaving of the room.
In apartment houses it is a pretty little attention for the hostess to
accompany her guest to the elevator and ring the bell for her. This she
should, of course, not do in the event that there are others present to
claim her attention.
A gentleman rises from his seat when a woman enters and when she rises
to depart. When taking leave of the hostess he waits for her to offer
her hand, otherwise he merely bows and offers some word of farewell.
THE EVENING CALL
A gentleman is privileged to make his call in return for a hospitality
extended him in the evening. It is considerate of him, when he cannot
call in the afternoon, to call on the evening of the hostess' day at
home.
When a young man has been asked to call by a young lady, he does not
ask to see her alone but requests of the servant at the door that he
be announced to _the ladies_. This is especially important, for it
infers that he expects to be presented to the young lady's mother or
her chaperon. After he has met her mother, it is entirely proper for
him, when calling, to request to see the particular lady for whom the
visit is intended.
A gentleman is usually shown into the drawing-room by the servant. He
retains his overcoat and gloves until the servant returns to let him
know that the young lady will receive him presently; then he divests
himself of these garments and either puts them himself in the hall, or
entrusts them to the servant. When the lady enters, he rises, steps
forward to meet her, and does not resume his seat until she has seated
herself.
WHEN GENTLEMEN RECEIVE CALLERS
A lady does not call upon a gentleman unless it is for the purpose of
business. Under such conditions, the gentleman rises, finds her a seat
and proceeds immediately with the matter of business. No social or
domestic topics are introduced. If the interview is to be a short one,
or if the man is pressed for time, he may go out to meet the lady in
the corridor or outer office and stand while he hears her business.
When a lady is admitted to his private office, a gentleman does not
receive her with his hat on, or with his coat off. He refrains from
smoking, and gives her his whole attention during the interview. If the
telephone rings, he must excuse himself before answering it. He rises
when the lady is ready to leave, opens the door for her, and
accompanies her to the door or elevator if he wishes to be extremely
polite. However, this latter courtesy is necessary only when the
visitor is a relative or special friend. A gentleman merely bows when a
lady takes her departure, unless she herself offers her hand.
It is quite permissible when certain pressing affairs claim one's
attention to request to be excused or postpone the business call until
some later date. Or if he wishes her to be brief, the gentleman may
courteously request the lady to do so, and he will invariably find that
she will be only too willing to comply with his request. But there can
be no excuse for the man who insists upon being curt to women who call
at his office on matters of business, any more than there is an excuse
for lack of gallantry and courtesy in the drawing-room.
A gentleman receives his masculine callers at his home as cordially and
with as much hospitality as the lady receives her feminine friends. He
must observe all the rules outlined for the hostess. He greets each
caller formally, makes all necessary introductions, sees that
conversation runs smoothly and pleasantly, and if he wishes, offers
refreshments. When he has a mother or sister to help him entertain, he
may invite women guests, and then it is his duty to accompany each lady
as far as the door and see that her car is in readiness. When the last
guest to depart is a gentleman, the host usually goes with him as far
as the hall door, and assists him with his coat.
MAKING A CHANCE CALL
Very often a call is returned on some other day than that set apart by
the hostess for the day at home. It is not always convenient for
friends and acquaintances to observe a certain day at home, but when
they call on other days they always are faced with uncertainty. Of
course there are some women who do not have a definite day at home, but
they may be found at home almost any afternoon.
A woman calling on a friend or acquaintance on no definite day makes
some such inquiry as follows of the servant at the door: "Is Mrs. Gray
at home?" or, "Are the ladies in this afternoon?" Having received a
reply in the negative, the caller leaves her card and departs. There
must be no questions as to where the ladies may be, or what time they
shall return, unless one is a particularly intimate friend of the
entire family.
When the servant announces at the door that her mistress is not at
home, it may mean either that she is out of the house entirely or that
she is so completely occupied with business that she is not able to
entertain. In either case, however, the report of the servant must be
taken as final, and it may not be questioned.
INFORMAL CALLS
We will call it that--these friendly little visits that neighbors make
upon each other in smaller towns, or in less fashionable circles.
Informal calls. But you may call them friendly calls, if you wish.
In small towns, and especially in the country, women may "drop in" for
a chat with their neighbors any time in the afternoon. Even morning
calls between ten and one o'clock are permissible. There is nothing
formal about these calls. It is not necessary to have a liveried butler
at the door to announce the name, nor a small silver tray on which to
place the caller's card. Butlers, cards and formalities are all
omitted, and the call drops into a delightfully intimate visit.
It would be ridiculous to attempt to set down a definite time limit for
these calls. They may be as short as twenty minutes or as long as two
hours, depending entirely upon the individuals and the circumstances.
Refreshments may or may not be served as one pleases. Formal greetings
and farewells are dispensed with, and in their place are cordial
"hellos" and "good-bys" that are entirely conducive to good friendship.
If you feel that, because you are not fortunate enough to own a
pretentious dwelling and to hire impressive butlers and maid-servants
to welcome your guests, you should not make calls and have them
returned, you are depriving yourself of a pleasure infinitely greater
than all elaborate display and ostentation. Simple, informal calls made
for the purpose of creating and developing friendships, and made with a
feeling of genuine cordiality and friendliness, are even more
gratifying than the stiffly formal social calls.
Do not feel that you are obeying etiquette's decrees when you neglect
your friendships merely because your home and facilities do not warrant
extensive social intercourse. True etiquette is universal in its appeal
and reaches the country-woman in her little cottage as directly as it
reaches the stately dowager in her city mansion.
CHAPTER IV
VISITING CARDS--AND OTHERS
YOUR CARD A REPRESENTATIVE OF YOU
An interesting anecdote we have in mind will illustrate better than
anything we can say, the importance of the correct card, whether it be
in business or social activities.
A rather eccentric gentleman discovered an amazing new commodity for
which there had been considerable demand for many years. He became
immediately famous. Reporters besieged his home and office in quest of
interviews, but the reports in the newspapers were of the vaguest and
most indefinite. He shunned publicity, and absolutely refused to see or
speak to anyone.
Then a brilliant young chap who knew and understood the eccentricities
of the inventor, conceived the idea of having a special card engraved
to send in to him. The others laughed at his "foolish idea" as they
called it, but he had absolute faith in his plan. He had a neat white
card engraved with his name and address, much the same form and size as
the ordinary social card. But in the lower left-hand corner, in tiny
italics, these words were printed: "Wishes to tell the people the truth
about your discovery."
The card went in to the inventor. The reporter was admitted. And his
paper boasted headlines and columns of startling facts the next day
that no other paper in town had. The very appearance of the card, its
neatness and its obvious originality, commanded the attention of the
man who hated publicity, and caused him to submit to an interview.
Of course we cannot all have special cards printed for certain
occasions. Nor can we be original to the extent that we do not follow
the rules of etiquette regarding correct forms for social cards. But we
can make our cards so distinctive, so representative of ourselves, that
the recipient will find as much pleasure in receiving them as we in
offering them. And by distinctive we do not mean the fancy or
embellished card, but the one that is strictly in accord with the rules
of good usage as outlined in the following paragraphs.
GENERAL RULES REGARDING CARDS
Social and professional cards should be engraved either on copper or
steel; plain, readable type should be used. Ornate scripts that are
hardly legible should be avoided. Ordinary script type is permissible,
but it must not be fancy or comprised wholly of swinging flourishes. A
plain letter is always preferable. The ordinary Roman type, or any new
modification of it, or Gothic lettering, is always in good taste.
When a large quantity of cards is desired, the copper-plate should be
requested, as the greatest number of clear impressions can be taken
from it. Requests may also be made of the stationer to use an embossed
plate so that the letters stand out in relief. The color should be
white or cream. Other colors are in bad taste, although sometimes buff
and pale blue cards are used by professional men and women. The stock
should be thin; not as thin as paper, but much thinner than that used
for other kinds of cards.
Cards are engraved with the owner's name and address, or with the name
alone. If it is a professional card, the word "Artist" or
"Attorney-at-law" or whatever the profession happens to be may appear
in the lower left-hand corner. Military men may also print their rank
or position in this corner, as may also professors and others holding a
title of distinction.
The engraving of names and addresses should never be in any color but
black. Black engraving on a pure white card is the best form for the
social card. Gilt letterings are an indication of ignorance, and so are
brightly colored engraving or highly tinted paper.
SIZE OF CARDS FOR WOMEN
Each new visiting season brings with it new fashions in cards--fashions
that chiefly affect the size of the card. Thus it would hardly be
practical to state definitely correct sizes. But we will give here the
approximate size for the woman's visiting and social cards, and exact
information can be acquired from one's personal stationer or from one
of the current magazines which run special departments to take care of
matters of this kind.
When a lady's card bears her name only, it should never measure more
than two and seven-eighths inches in length and two and one-eighth
inches in width. No card should be smaller than two and one-half inches
in length and one and seven-eighths inches in width. A double card, on
which the names of both mother and daughter or both husband and wife
appear, should be about three inches and a half in length, by two and
one-half in width. No decorations of any kind should be used on a card.
Polite society at the present time favors pure white, unglazed bristol
board about two and two-thirds inches in length by two and one-eighth
inches in width.
SIZE AND MATERIAL OF CARDS FOR MEN
It is usual for a man's card to be narrower and the least bit shorter
than a woman's. The ordinary size is two and five-eighths inches by one
and three-eighths inches, but like the woman's card is subject to
change. The stationer will be able to give definite information
regarding the size of the man's card at the present time.
A man's card is as severely simple and unadorned as the woman's. No
ornamentation, no flourish in the lettering. Just plain, readable type
or script engraved in black upon white. The card itself should be of
polished, but not glazed, bristol board, the kind that is flexible and
thin. Some gentlemen have their cards made of especially thin stock to
avoid bulky card cases or waistcoat pockets.
A bachelor may have his home address engraved in the lower right-hand
corner of his card, with the name of his favorite club opposite. If he
resides entirely at his club, the name is engraved in the lower
right-hand corner. It is bad form to have a business address engraved
on one's social visiting card. An at-home day is never given on a
gentleman's card, but appears in the lower left-hand corner of his
wife's card. A bachelor is not expected to devote a definite day to the
entertaining of callers unless he is an artist with a studio.
TITLES ON CARDS FOR WOMEN
A woman's visiting card should be engraved solely with her name,
address and day at home. Any decorations such as gilded edges, crests
or superfluous engravings are an indication of bad taste.
In America a lady never assumes any title other than Mrs. or Miss on
her social card. There is only one exception to this rule: a
professional woman may use her title of doctor of medicine, etc. In
this case, even though she is married, she drops her husband's
Christian names and signs herself Marian M. Browning, M.D.
A woman does not share, on her cards, the honorary titles of her
husband. For instance, the wife of our president has her cards engraved
"Mrs. Warren Gamaliel Harding." The wife of a secretary, judge, general
or admiral does not use any title other than Mrs. Even the woman who is
a successful physician should not use her title on her social cards,
unless, as explained above, she is elderly. It is wise for a woman
physician to have two sets of cards, one with her name and title, and
with her office hours in the corner, the other with her name alone, and
her house address in the corner. A physician's social card should be
engraved simply "Miss Marian Mansfield Browning."
It is always better form to give in full the Christian name or names,
as well as the surname. It is not tasteful to indicate by an initial
only the husband's first name, and engrave his middle name, thus: "Mrs.
J. Henry Williams." Both names should be given in full. It is not
considered dignified to use abbreviations of a husband's name, as Frank
for Francis, Alec for Alexander, Joe for Joseph. Nor should an
unmarried woman use such abbreviations of her name as Polly, Sally,
Dolly, etc.
The wife who is the senior matron of the senior branch of a family may
drop both her husband's first and middle names from her cards, and have
them read simply: "Mrs. Robinson." Her eldest unmarried daughter is
entitled to use a card reading: "Miss Robinson." When the name is a
very ordinary one like Brown or Smith, it is always wiser to use the
Christian names to avoid confusion.
A spinster, or as the modern woman likes to call herself, the "bachelor
girl," may not use cards engraved merely Miss Gray, unless she is the
oldest daughter of a family. She has her cards engraved in either of
the three following forms: "Miss Mary Hammond Gray" or "Miss Mary H.
Gray" or just "Miss Mary Gray." The first initial should never be used,
except when the young lady is known by her middle name, unless
professional purposes demand it.
_Mrs. John Jay Holmes
12 West Street_
_Miss Helen Holmes
12 West Street_
CARDS FOR WIDOWS
A widow is privileged to retain her husband's Christian name on her
card if she wishes, unless her eldest son is married and bears the full
name of his deceased father. In this case, of course, there would be
confusion, and it is much wiser for her to have her cards engraved with
her own Christian and middle names, in this manner: "Mrs. Lucille May
Hopkins." If there is no reason for her to drop her husband's Christian
and middle names after his death, she may sign herself: "Mrs. Henry
Waltam Hopkins."
At the present time, it is good form for the woman who has been
divorced to use her maiden surname with the surname of the divorced or
deceased husband, dropping all Christian names. Thus a woman whose
maiden name was Harris would have her cards engraved "Mrs. Harris
Smith" if she is divorced from her husband. The name, even if she
resumes her full maiden name, should be prefixed by "Mrs.," never by
"Miss." A widow should avoid following the style prescribed for a
divorced woman, since it is likely to cause embarrassing ambiguity.
It is fully permissible for a widow to revive her maiden name after
several years of widowhood. The divorced woman, however, may not use
her maiden name on her cards until there has been a legal annulment of
her marriage, in which case, as was stated above, she uses it with the
title "Mrs.," not "Miss."
THE YOUNG LADY'S CARD
When a young lady has been formally introduced to society by her
mother, she uses for her first year of calls, cards that bear her name
below that of her mother. She assumes a private card only when she is
no longer a _débutante_. The joint card, as it is called, should
be larger in size than the card her mother ordinarily uses, and the
young lady's Christian and middle names should be used unless she is
the eldest daughter of the family. A model card appears below:
_Mrs. Robert Cole
Miss Jean Evelyn Cole
Tuesdays South Street_
When mother and daughter pay calls together, this one card serves for
both. But when the daughter makes calls alone, she runs a pencil line
lightly through her mother's name--unless, of course, she is merely
leaving cards and not making formal calls. The mother does not use the
double card when calling alone, unless she is leaving cards for herself
and her daughter. Very often the double card, with the name of mother
and daughter, is used even after the daughter has emerged from her
_débutanteship_, when both are visiting together. In less formal
society the daughter has her own card bearing only her name, with or
without title, which she uses whenever the occasion demands it, and in
many instances, even when she makes her _début_ she has a card of
her own which she uses instead of or in addition to the one which she
shares with her mother.