ENGAGEMENTS
OF SPECIAL IMPORTANCE
There is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette need to be so
strictly observed as during the period of courtship. All the world
loves a lover--but this does not keep the world from watching closely
and criticizing severely any breach of good manners, especially on the
part of the young lady.
Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly
unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude
comments of strangers. The young couple should conduct themselves with
quiet dignity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endearment or
caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so as to create the
impression that they are not, after all, so very much in love. There is
no reason why their conduct in public after they are engaged should be
any more demonstrative than it was before.
At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it is their privilege to
be with each other more than they are with anyone else, but this does
not mean that they should neglect the other guests. If the occasion has
been planned especially for them they are in part responsible for each
one present finding it an enjoyable one. And each one should be very
cordial to the friends of the other.
Many an engagement that held promise of golden happiness to come was
abruptly broken because one or the other was not sufficiently
circumspect in conduct. A young lady must remember that while she is
not exactly expected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of the
opposite sex, she must not receive them as guests, or go to the theater
or ball with them, without the knowledge and consent of her fiancé. He
is, of course, expected to be equally considerate of her with regard to
his own relations with other women.
The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater freedom than the
engaged couple of our grandmothers' time. The chaperon has been almost
entirely dispensed with, except in a few individual cases. Although it
is still considered rather poor form to attend the theater or opera
together, without other friends in the party, it is often done without
any very serious consequence to the young people. Perhaps it is because
the young men and women of this country have that instinctive grace and
dignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct practiced abroad have
been deemed unnecessary.
THE PROPOSAL
At one time, not so very long ago, it was considered an irrevocable law
of etiquette that a young man obtain the formal consent of a young
lady's parents before asking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs
have almost eliminated this formality, and modern mothers and fathers,
by the welcome which they accord him in their home, show a young man
whether or not they think him eligible for their daughter's hand. And
it is really a much wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first
begins instead of waiting until it has developed into something more
serious. If the young man wishes to proceed upon the old-fashioned
formula he may do so, first assuring himself insofar as he is able that
his attentions are welcome to the young lady.
The time for the proposal depends upon attending circumstances. Someone
has said that there would be fewer divorces if more proposals were made
in the middle of the day under ordinary conditions, but the timid or
romantic youth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and the magic
of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincere and earnest. Glowing
terms and impassioned emotion are, indeed, very bad taste; and often
the more simple a proposal is the more forcibly it expresses the
suitor's ardor.
If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immediately seek the
young lady's parents and impart the happy news to them. At this point,
if it has not already been disclosed it is customary for him to reveal
his true status, financially and socially, and answer politely any
questions that her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions he
must explain calmly and carefully, making sure all the time to keep
complete control of his feelings and not to allow himself to become
either angry or impatient.
THE ENGAGEMENT RING
It is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a ring. As soon as
the prospective bridegroom has won the consent of the young lady whom
he wishes to be his wife, he places the engagement ring on the third
finger of her left hand. The convention is that the ring be a diamond
solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it is preferred, a diamond
set with other stones. It is always wise to consult the individual
preference of the young lady in determining the choice of the ring, and
it is her privilege to choose whatever kind she wants regardless of
tradition or convention.
ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT
After the proposal has been accepted announcement of the fact is made,
and it is here that the young lady takes the leading part.
There are several established conventions in announcing the engagement.
Each one is good form, and the choice is merely a matter of taste and
convenience. But always the initiative must come from the family of the
future bride. The young man must not even announce the engagement to
his best friends until he is quite sure that his fiancé has already
made it known to her friends.
It has always been a popular custom in better society to give the
announcement of an engagement as nearly an appearance of "leaking out"
as possible. Perhaps it is because it adds to the interest of the
occasion. To obtain this effect, a number of intimate friends and
relatives are invited to a dinner party--really the engagement
dinner--where, in the course of the conversation, the news of the
engagement is casually imparted to the guests for the first time. It is
usually announced by the father of the young lady; sometimes by her
older brother, and in some cases by her mother.
The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere congratulations. The
happy couple mingle among their guests and receive their good wishes
with modesty and smiles of thanks.
Sometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her friends, at which the
announcement is made. It is always very pretty to make the announcement
in some novel way, and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity
equal to it she will find her stationer her best guide. He has various
novelty cards, etc., specially designed for such occasions.
Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement, the young lady
gives the news to several of her closest friends, depending on them to
spread it among their friends and acquaintances. This manner of
announcement is usually followed with a little informal reception, to
which are invited the members of the prospective bridegroom's family
and the relatives of both families.
THE MOST USUAL METHOD
Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement is for the young lady
and her mother to send small engraved cards to their circle of friends
and relatives, making the announcement in a simple statement, and
mentioning an afternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. The
young man may also send notes or cards to his friends, having first
made sure that his fiancé has already announced it to her friends. The
"at home" offers a splendid opportunity for each one to meet the
friends of the other, and for the families of the two young people to
become better acquainted. Care must be taken that there is no
constraint, no drifting into "circles." The young lady must welcome her
future husband's friends with sincere cordiality, and see that they are
properly introduced to her own friends. He must mingle with her friends
and make himself companionable and agreeable. To be constantly
together, selfishly enjoying each other's company while the neglected
guests are left to their own devices is a breach of etiquette and must
be conscientiously avoided if the "at home" is to be hailed a success.
If this last method of announcing the engagement is decided upon, the
home should boast no decorations except flowers simply arranged. The
young lady and her mother, in conservative afternoon frocks, receive
together. The young man is usually presented to the guests by his
future father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music and dancing, may be
provided for the occasion if it is convenient. Simple refreshments may
be served--dainty sandwiches, cake, tea and sweets are appropriate when
served in an attractive manner.
It is also customary to place an announcement in the society columns of
the newspapers simultaneously with the giving of the dinner party. It
should always be written by the parents about their daughter, or by the
guardian if she has no parents--never by the engaged girl herself.
ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPERS
The vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engagements in the newspaper
rather than through the issuing of announcement cards. Such items of
announcement should be sent to the society editor of the paper
selected, and should be signed with the full name and address of the
sender. Brief items are always better than long ones.
Here are two typical newspaper announcements of recent engagements:
_"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their
daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the
wedding will be announced in this paper later."_
_"The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is
announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take
place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."_
ENGAGEMENT GIFTS
It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts to be presented,
even by near relatives. In fact, the mode of the engagement gift has
been gradually disappearing until to-day congratulations are considered
sufficient. However, the close friends of the young lady may send her,
with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware, glassware, and
sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-à-brac and quaint, unusual
gifts, and antiques are always acceptable. Markings on gifts are
usually in the maiden name of the bride--but if any doubt is felt as to
which she herself would prefer, it is best to ask her.
There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an
engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended
sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to
drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the
cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring over the sides will
crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith." The
custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of
a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies
faithfulness--and it may mean faithfulness to friendship or love as the
case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are
partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in
presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets.
Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during an engagement, barring
of course the engagement ring. The young man may present his
prospective bride with books, flowers or candy, but articles of wearing
apparel are considered bad taste.
To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engagement, to continue
one's social duties faithfully, neither neglecting one's friends nor
becoming self-consciously enthusiastic, to be self-possessed and
unaffected even while one is the center of much lively interest and
animated discussion--this is the end to be desired, and the young man
and woman who have accomplished it are indeed fortunate.
BRIDAL SHOWERS
A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be
married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an
offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing
that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them
together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time.
Then and there the idea of the "shower" was born.
The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a
special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the
book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would
seem too trifling if they were presented alone.
Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually
a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The
gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all
sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and
one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is
greatly to be desired.
The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally,
and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her
gratitude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one
and the gifts were expensive.
LENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENT
The question of how long an engagement should last is usually governed
by attendant conditions. There is, however, a marked tendency for
engagements to be short; in fact, fashion now demands that the
wedding-day be at least tentatively fixed before the engagement is
announced.
Many times there are excellent reasons why it should be of several
years' duration. It is best not to announce the fact formally, though
it may be understood among one's friends. Matters of this kind are to
be determined by the two people who are most concerned, and if a young
man and his fiancé have decided that they would like to have a long
engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing to say against it.
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WEDDING
The father and mother of the young lady who is about to be married
assume all responsibility for the preparation for and the celebration
of the wedding. The groom is not expected to pay for anything except
the ring and flowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for
the bridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and other attendants.
The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him, but all other expenses are
paid by the bride's parents or guardians. Indeed, it would indicate a
great lack of tact or delicacy on the part of the groom to offer to
provide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of the other expenses
incidental to the occasion.
Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers and other decorations
for the church, the preparations for the breakfast or reception to
follow the ceremony--all of these are paid for by her parents. The
wedding should never be more elaborate than the parents of the bride
can afford.
FAMILIES AND FRIENDS
It is always very delightful when the families of an engaged couple
find themselves congenial, and every effort should be made by the young
people to bring about, if it does not already exist, a harmonious
relationship between their immediate families. It is almost equally
desirable that each shall like the friends of the other and heroic
efforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bring friends together
is by means of an informal reception. The invitations should be cordial
notes written by hand. The following indicates the usual form:
_Bayside, April 4, 19--_
_Dear May:_
_No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to
Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is
giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both
hope that you will be able to attend._
_Cordially yours,_
_Helen Hall._
For the members of the immediate families or for very close friends a
dinner is suggested but the most important point for the family which
is doing the entertaining to keep in mind is the style of living to
which the other has been accustomed, and nothing should be done which
might embarrass them. If the family has been accustomed to great
elegance the one that is acting as host need have no fear for people
who are worth knowing appreciate simplicity wherever they find it; but
if they are in very moderate circumstances it is the cruellest kind of
discourtesy to attempt to overawe them with ceremonious hospitality.
It is ordinarily the family of the groom that is first to approach the
other with an invitation of some kind, but extenuating circumstances
make the convention vary. Often a young girl is invited to visit in the
home of her fiancé before her marriage. It is an invitation which she
may accept with perfect propriety.